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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

326 replies

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 20:41

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

OP posts:
me4real · 30/09/2021 22:36

Not always (probaly most times) but in a way it isn't relevant @Curiousityiskillingthiscat . I've been involved with several MMs/men in relationships and either way they are arseholes and probably lying to their OWs one way or another, and definitely liars to their wives most times.

Looneytune253 · 30/09/2021 22:38

Surely if he's just back to help with the children he won't be hiding you? If he is hiding you then yes he's just having an affair with you and she's still his wife in every sense of the word. Cut ties now and get on with your life

Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:38

I think I probably need some space from him. I don’t really want to give him an ultimatum , he shouldn’t be leaving because I’m forcing him to. He should want our relationship and all the joy that it has brought in the same way I do. Space from him to think and for him to realise he can’t have it all. I can’t wait here like this anymore. I’m forty fucking seven - I wasn’t supposed to leave my marriage and feel like this 10 years later. I wanted a chance to do things over to find the right person and to be happy 10 years after my divorce. Not in a worse place than I can ever recall being in during my shitty marriage.

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 30/09/2021 22:42

It sounds like they are still very much married and not just in name. With him continuing to declare all this love for you and ask you to wait, well, it’s very cruel. Not just to you, but to his wife and children because he’s lying and cheating and keeping you as this secret on the back burner. That prevents his wife from moving on and perhaps finding someone one day who truly does love and respect her, his kids from having parents who are happy and settled together, and of course keeping you in limbo for half a decade. Also preventing you from finding someone who could actually be good for you.

After everything you went through before with your ex husband as well! He must know about that but has kept you hanging on, lying to you, lying to her - it’s cruel.

Peope like him give it this grand romantic ‘noble’ narrative - oh we are meant to be, written in the stars but I must do the ‘right thing’ for my kids and my wife blah blah etc. But doing the right thing would have meant separating from her and being a decent co-parent or if he was determined to stay to not keep you hanging on. It’s not ‘the one’, and if you keep hanging onto a memory of a ‘perfect’ time you won’t ever move into a happier phase of your life. Maybe it was an amazing time but that time is gone and it isn’t coming back. Even if he left tomorrow how can you ever heal and have this ‘perfect’ relationship with a man who did this to you for so long, and to her and to his children?

How can you possibly believe he is ‘the one’? How can a man who does this to you over and over again ever be your perfect man, the one meant to be with you? Even if ‘the one’ existed, this is not it.

You CAN start again because right now there is nothing to lose so really you already have started again. It’s hard to let go of so many years of yearning and I imagine fantasising about how amazing your life would be together if he just left. But you must let go of that idea, get rid of this notion he is the only man for you.

You’re not old OP, there’s a lot of life left for you. Is this how you want to spend it?

me4real · 30/09/2021 22:42

I have a feeling my last MM and his wife genuinely weren't having sex, for various reasons, probably mainly that he's awfl at it and every woman would have enough of his iimpotent micropenis 'sex' eventually.

He's pretty awful to her for all accounts, and her money/inheritance is maybe somehow part of why he's wiith her, plus she does everything for him (but still he finds reasons to bitch about and be awful to her, many of them horrific and ludicrous.)

But even if he wasn't lying about the lack of sex, he still lied/exaggerated with things like claiming they had separate rooms due to her snoring.

PeterPomegranate · 30/09/2021 22:42

@Ginger1982

Why on earth have you wasted 5 years of your life waiting for crumbs from this twat? Dump him and find someone who's available.
Yes. I think whether he’s having sex with his wife is a red herring. And to continue the analogy there are plenty more fish in the sea.

I’m sorry OP.

NoNever · 30/09/2021 22:43

Of course he’s still having sex with his wife. Why on earth any woman would trust a man who is cheating on and lying to the woman he stood up in front of all his family, friends and God and promised to be true to for life is beyond me. He’s lying to her. He’s lying to you.

This should be you:

SquarePeggyLeggy · 30/09/2021 22:46

My father spun this line! I have siblings 3 weeks apart in age…

me4real · 30/09/2021 22:47

I wanted a chance to do things over to find the right person and to be happy 10 years after my divorce. Not in a worse place than I can ever recall being in during my shitty marriage.

This man will and has made you miserable OP. As to 'space,' no contact is the most healing way to go (or as little contact as you can if you work at the same place etc.)

You'll be a lot happier eiither immediately or eventually than you are sittiing around thinking of him, I promise you. Realise fully that you are being used.

Cruiser11 · 30/09/2021 22:47

Get yourself checked out for STD you don’t know how many other women he isn’t sleeping with.

thecatsarecrazy · 30/09/2021 22:48

Some happily tell the ow that they're still sleeping with their wife

Tiredofbs123 · 30/09/2021 22:48

I’m sorry OP but no one here wants to say this but really you need to take some responsibility for YOUR choices here.

You knew he left to repair the damage their separation had caused their children yet you chose to continue a relationship. You knew he was lying to his wife about you but you chose to continue the relationship and deceive the woman he is MARRIED too. You know he is lying to his wife and children but chose to believe he would not lie to you.

The victims here are his wife and the children this will devastate if/when it comes to light. You had and continue to have your personal agency, she has none, because she doesn’t know the truth of her own life.

Get out, stay out, and work out why you believed this abusive situation was love.

GreyGoose1980 · 30/09/2021 22:49

Op stay strong. You need space from him. Explain to him the relationship is not what you want anymore and go no contact. It’s the only way you are going to move on. I’m not saying he’s necessarily done it deliberately but he’s manipulated you so be prepared for him to try and ‘win you back’ but don’t fall for it. 47 is not too late to start again, I know a number of people who have found love in their mid forties and fifties but you need to give yourself a chance to find the right partner and that will not happen whilst you are being duped into playing the role of OW.

ShuddaBeenMe · 30/09/2021 22:50

He's still having sex with her and enjoying it.

He'd be with you full time if he wanted to

Stop waiting Thanks

DeeCeeCherry · 30/09/2021 22:52

Why are you only worried about sex, OP? A relationship is about so much more than sex and he is in a relationship with his wife. Theyre together, in all that a relationship entails. Thats the main thing.

me4real · 30/09/2021 22:53

This is another song that reminds me of being an OW. Such a shame for any woman to live this way.

I have a whole playlist 'wanker' you might enjoy when you bin him www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLARsNIw-A8NTS0pG77spSnqNukozHJwK_

Maze76 · 30/09/2021 22:57

Five years waiting for him to do what? He’s not left his wife and it doesn’t sound like he plans to. Don’t waste a second more of your life on him. I know it’s easier said than done, but right now you are young enough to find someone who will love and appreciates you full time with no excuses. Better to cut ties now than waste 5 more years.. waiting for him.

HappyDays101010 · 30/09/2021 22:59

Surely when his wife got sick, the sensible response would have been for him to have custody of them more, not move back in?

Onthedunes · 30/09/2021 23:02

How old is he op?

How old are his children ?

Happymum12345 · 30/09/2021 23:03

You don’t sound at all kind.
Men who have affairs lie. He is lying to you and to his wife. You sound like you deserve it, his wife, raising young children doesn’t.

me4real · 30/09/2021 23:03

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat - @Tiredofbs123 is right, it is immoral what you are doing and you should stop, that reason alone is enough without all the others.

I had a moral blind spot about it too, but read all the other threads where mumsnetters are firm with women going with MMs. And the threads by devastated wives who've found out their husbands are betraying them. It made me see the relevance of the 'girl code' and that we shouldn't act this way towards other women.

And also see that you are being used.

Malena77 · 30/09/2021 23:05

Never, ever, wait for a man to be ready to be with you. If they show that they are not ready (ex wife, life circumstances, problems at work - you name it) - believe them. Tell them to find you when they ARE ready. In the meantime - be free and live your best life.
Im sorry OP but I can assure you that this relationship is going nowhere and will end up in a heartbreak for you. Don’t waste any more of your time, you are worth so much more that that x

LastGirlSanding · 30/09/2021 23:06

I think also that you say this - ‘I wanted a chance to do things over to find the right person and to be happy 10 years after my divorce.’ - And you probably meant it at the time. But your actions and choices have given the lie to that desire. Because it’s very clear how to go about getting that life and you have to know staying in this toxic situation really this isn’t it. So why are you denying yourself the opportunity to try for it? I can understand a few months of waiting maybe but half a decade?

If you truly still want that life for yourself then letting him go can be the first step towards that. It doesn’t have to be a tragedy, it can be you giving yourself your own freedom. Something positive. That’s entirely within your own power. I hope you do make that choice for yourself. Flowers

me4real · 30/09/2021 23:15

It doesn’t have to be a tragedy

Yep it wasn't a tragedy for me to block the MM, it was a realization, liberation from the B.S, and assertion that I deserved more.

Mamanyt · 30/09/2021 23:23

The ONLY man I've even known who was honest about a sexless marriage was married to a woman who was in a permanent coma. He stayed married until she died, to keep her on his insurance. The ONLY man. EVER. I am almost 70 year old.