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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

326 replies

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 20:41

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

OP posts:

SweeneyToddler · 30/09/2021 21:16

Isn’t it often cited as an indicator of an affair- a husband who is suddenly looking for more sex with his wife?

Anyway, OP, not sure what you want to get from this thread. It’s very clear that this man has been making a fool of you. He’s having his cake and eating it as two women are stupid enough to fall for his bullshit.

It doesn’t sound like you’re willing to change anything though so not sure what advice people waste their time giving you?

littlegiant · 30/09/2021 21:17

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I think in a few cases it's true, but the vast majority are still having sex.

Ime it's more likely men in sexless marriages are more likely to see sex workers.

Oh, I find this really interesting! Wonder why this could be???

Moonface123 · 30/09/2021 21:17

You need to find someone else, he's having his cake and eating it.
I don't think your ever going to meet a truthful married man whose chosen to also have an affair. They know how naive some women are, and will tell them exactly what they want to hear. Actions speak louder than words and five years says it a ll. Draw a line and move on.

MushMonster · 30/09/2021 21:18

Just leave him OP.
Too much drama, and wasted time and feelings.
Bresk free, and open your wings. You need some time for yourself before finding the one that would make a life with you. This one will be free, and will not make you wait.

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:20

@SweeneyToddler sorry, I don’t think I was really looking for advice. I was just thinking that there were people out there who did live in sexless marriages and whose OPs were having affairs. That there was some chance he might actually be telling me the truth.
You are clearly right.

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 30/09/2021 21:22

Yes. Having sex several times a week. When single I met a married man who wanted an affair who told me he was having sex with his wife and his reasons for wanting an affair had nothing to do with sex or their marriage at all really. This was on a website before apps like Tinder and I was completely naive!

BaileysforBreakfast · 30/09/2021 21:22

A man who lies to his wife with impunity is very likely lying to his OW too.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 30/09/2021 21:22

@starrynight21

Yep, they do. My ex got me pregnant while having a passionate affair with my "friend" . My DS was 9 months old when I finally found out about it. Up until then I'd thought everything was fine, normal sex, loving relationship etc.

If your partner is still there after 5 years....come on, they are not living separate lives. You know that. They are living as a family , you're the affair partner.

Move on - there are nice normal men out there who are not still living with their wives and children.

Totally agree with this

Ginger1982 · 30/09/2021 21:23

Why on earth have you wasted 5 years of your life waiting for crumbs from this twat? Dump him and find someone who's available.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 30/09/2021 21:23

And sorry that happened to you @starrynight21

OverTheRubicon · 30/09/2021 21:23

He's not the one. Your 'one' is not going to be a spineless cheating liar who is still living with his wife and kids after 5 years.

You deserve better than this. Is there perhaps something in your past that would make you set your self esteem and expectations from a partner so low?

mobear · 30/09/2021 21:24

My ex-DP lied in this situation. I know because I saw the messages.

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:24

@MushMonster I did break free. After a dreadful marriage and what felt at times even worse dating for years in my late 30s/ early 40s. And then I met him and it was pretty perfect. Was.

Now I feel like what a wasted decade. I was hoping other people’s experiences would reveal that perhaps he isn’t lying. Probably is by the looks of everyone sharing their experiences.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 30/09/2021 21:24

Plus, his wife won't be 'ill' at all. Having his cake and eating it and you're helping him.

toocold54 · 30/09/2021 21:25

After 5 years are you not planning to move in with each other?
Have you met the children yet? Or any of his family? Have you met or spoken to her?

Honestly it sounds like they’re still very much in a “committed” relationship and she has no idea about you.

Starseeking · 30/09/2021 21:28

You need to forget about the 5 years of sunk time and move on from this man.

He is still married, always has an excuse for why he cannot leave, and strings you along. You are his affair partner, and need to muster up more self-esteem than this; you are worth so much more than this. Your 'one' is out there, but it most definitely isn't him.

Lucked · 30/09/2021 21:30

So she doesn’t know about you? You are not openly dating? If they had been separated for 5 years then why not? Oh that’s right- they aren’t separated.

How does your relationship work?

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:30

@OverTheRubicon yep, an awful emotionally abusive marriage where gaslighting was order of the day. And the fact that every man I dated after my divorce was just weird. Except for him - he was perfect, we were wonderful together and still are. But there’s always some reason he can’t leave again now he’s “stuck”.

I’m feeling really over it all and this entire thread is just supporting my suspicions rather than helping me believe there is even a tiny chance he is telling the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:31

@toocold54 when he was separated I met his brother and his wife, his mum and all of his friends. It was no secret he had started dating again.

OP posts:

operativeextra · 30/09/2021 21:32

Absolutely yes!!!
Can I jump in and ask if the wives ever let the ow know when the timing was right ??? And how did that work out???

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 30/09/2021 21:35

I once knew a man who I did not have an affair with (I hasten to add) but he would have liked to have one with me and he was constantly giving it all the 'my wife doesn't understand me, it's a sexless marriage, we've all but split up'
I told him to piss off and stop complaining to me about it because I know that game

Only a few weeks later I happened to see his wife who was rather obviously pregnant with their 3rd child. I congratulated her and she told me she was very happy because they had been trying for a while.

Next time I saw him I congratulated him and he didn't even try to make any excuses just looked very sheepish.

BurntO · 30/09/2021 21:35

You are an absolute fool OP. I know it’s cliche but you only live once. Literally, this is it - this is your life and you are hanging around for a married man??? Who cares if he is having sex or not, you are at the bottom of his list.

Get some self respect and move on.

BSideBaby · 30/09/2021 21:36

My ex wanted more sex when he was having affairs.

grapewine · 30/09/2021 21:37

Don't waste more of your life waiting for this man. He'll keep finding excuses not to leave.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 30/09/2021 21:38

In every but one experience I know about (all the wives except for, that was the ow who said she spoke to the wife who confirmed they hadn't been sexually active), yes the couple had been sexually active while the husband had been having an affair.

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