Page 3 | Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 2021-09-30T19:41:51+00:00

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:39

@Starseeking you are right. I know.

@Lucked she did know that’s when she became “ill” and incapable of looking after the children so he moved back in to help. The children were struggling a lot at the time - especially his son.

It was just supposed to be temporary. But here we are , 5 years of promises, and declarations of love.

He keeps begging me (often in tears) to wait just a bit longer - first it was his wife’s mystery illness, then covid and lockdown, then his business almost went under, it’s just always something. And I’m waiting a bit longer, a bit longer each time.

I don’t doubt him loving me or adoring me and wanting us to be together. But i have this awful fear he is sleeping with his wife again which turns the whole separate lives thing on its head and is making me feel horribly used and depressed.

OP posts:

Hen2018 · 30/09/2021 21:40

Yes. In the case of all the 6 partners who have been unfaithful to me.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/09/2021 21:42

Yes my ex was sleeping with me while having an affair (I now realise). I would imagine he told her our marriage was over (not as far as I knew), and that we didn’t sleep together (we did). They lie…

Lucked · 30/09/2021 21:42

Also if she is so manipulative to get him to stay in the family home and he can’t resist any of her schemes why would he grow a back bone when it comes to sex?

I would leave them to each other and hope their marriage really is as miserable as he makes out.

Lightisnotwhite · 30/09/2021 21:43

[quote Curiousityiskillingthiscat]@toocold54 when he was separated I met his brother and his wife, his mum and all of his friends. It was no secret he had started dating again.[/quote]
So does everyone know about you now or have you been erased from his life? That’s probably more telling. I mean people do look after sick exes and children, but they make sure the person they love and want to be with is still in their life.

Tempnamelady · 30/09/2021 21:44

@curiousityiskillingthiscat I could be writing your post, I have given up everything for nothing and I am absolutely devastated , but I don’t think I could be like this for 5 years. I hope not anyway as I am nearly 51.

Gumbomambo · 30/09/2021 21:44

With the greatest respect you are wasting your life waiting for him and I think you know that. Where are your needs on his list of priorities? I had one once who told me he had split up from his wife, he hadn’t, he was just a user.

Mrbob · 30/09/2021 21:47

They still have sex. They will tell you they don’t but they do.
If he hasn’t left at this point he won’t. Don’t throw another 5 years after him or you will be in the same position and will have wasted 10 years
As someone who has been in your position (I got out after 2-3) I can tell you your life will be immeasurably better once he is out of it. Take charge of your life and don’t be a passive passenger with someone else having control. My life is bloody awesome now after it destroyed me completely (and yes am FULLY aware it destroyed his DW life more and am not in any way proud of that and genuinely hope, probably because of my guilt, that they have a happy life together now)
Affairs are all consuming and cause nothing but harm and misery even when at the time you think it is love and great sex and destiny

Lilyargin · 30/09/2021 21:47

Of course they do! Getting it twice.

Tiredofbs123 · 30/09/2021 21:47

Yep! Mine was having heaps of sex with me, whilst complaining about his miserable marriage to the woman stupid enough to believe his lies. It’s cheater 101, but you know that deep down.

That poor wife, my heart goes out to her, what a betrayal, 5 years. I feel so sorry for her and their children.

Mumoblue · 30/09/2021 21:49

Why on earth would you wait around for a guy when the major fact that you know about him is that you can’t trust him?
He’s married, he’s clearly NOT separated, or he wouldn’t be making you “wait”.

So, yeah, I think he’s lying to you. Either way, why deal with a married guy? If he was committed to being with you he’d find a way. He’s not. He’s having his cake and eating it too and then crying if anyone threatens to take his cake away.

Original poster

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 21:51

@Lightisnotwhite I’ve been slowly erased. First year Christmas was together, second year Christmas he popped over, third year his children needed him and subsequent years the expectation he is staying home.

This is making me so angry even writing this out. I’m so mad at him at the moment. Because clearly only 1 in 10000000000 men are actually in sexless marriages.

I need to walk away from this. In so many ways this is worse than my divorce. I hated my husband so it was easy to leave him in the end. It’s a damn sight harder to walk away from someone you love.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/09/2021 21:52

Don’t walk, run

WhatDidISayAlan · 30/09/2021 21:53

I was you. I waited eight years for my “one” and was disowned by half my family. When I met him I was young, naive and had recently lost my mum. At one point my employers offered me the chance to relocate to London, and I thought he’d ask me to stay and he’d finally leave. He didn’t. So I left.

I was single for a long time - 16 years - I can’t believe that writing it down now. But I was so poleaxed by the whole experience, that I could give everything up for a man who, in return didn’t give up a thing, or acknowledge what I had sacrificed, that I didn’t trust my own judgement, or any man on earth. I didn’t have kids, because I didn’t trust a word any man said.

Then last year I finally went on an internet date, with someone who turned out to be the friend of a former colleague. And he’s still around 18 months later. I love him so much more than the OM. Everyone deserves to love and be loved, if that’s what they want. But you won’t be loved by this man. Please leave, and heal - don’t hang around waiting for as long as I did.

Mango101 · 30/09/2021 21:54

I guess both sexes cheat and lie about it to the same extent. Or there are some very busy women around !

Backtoblack1 · 30/09/2021 21:56

[quote Curiousityiskillingthiscat]@Starseeking you are right. I know.

@Lucked she did know that’s when she became “ill” and incapable of looking after the children so he moved back in to help. The children were struggling a lot at the time - especially his son.

It was just supposed to be temporary. But here we are , 5 years of promises, and declarations of love.

He keeps begging me (often in tears) to wait just a bit longer - first it was his wife’s mystery illness, then covid and lockdown, then his business almost went under, it’s just always something. And I’m waiting a bit longer, a bit longer each time.

I don’t doubt him loving me or adoring me and wanting us to be together. But i have this awful fear he is sleeping with his wife again which turns the whole separate lives thing on its head and is making me feel horribly used and depressed.[/quote]
Get out of it. I was in a similar situation - for six years and it destroyed me. I never thought I could not have him in my life but I hardly think of him now. Rip that plaster off and be kind to yourself x

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2021 21:56

You don’t love him, the man he really is. That man is disrespectful and a time waster. You love the idea of how he presented himself to you. The image he constructed, portrayed and let you believe.

OrangeTortoise · 30/09/2021 21:57

The thing is OP - does it even matter if they're having sex or not? If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be living with her.

SweeneyToddler · 30/09/2021 22:00

an awful emotionally abusive marriage where gaslighting was order of the day

This is quite a sad post.

This man is gaslighting you. You’ve moved from one abuser to another, it’s just a different type of abuse.

Djifunrsn · 30/09/2021 22:01

OMG op he is so full of utter dog shit.
Get rid immediately.
I know a woman who waited 20 years for a similar bastard who could never find the "right time" to leave his wife.
Then the woman who was waiting got cancer.
Well, MM cut contact sharpish.
Waiting woman died.
Don't believe a word that comes out of the mouth of this duplicitous pathetic cunt bag.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/09/2021 22:04

yep, an awful emotionally abusive marriage where gaslighting was order of the day.

This current bloke is gaslighting his wife and you. Telling her he's staying with her when he's cheating and telling you he's leaving when he's staying.

He's a wanker. You've wasted five years. Five years of your one, short, precious life on a man who is being emotionally cruel to two women. But at least you know the score whereas she doesn't.

Don't waste another day on this man.

Jigsawprison · 30/09/2021 22:05

Yes and lots of it because we were trying for a baby.

honeygriff · 30/09/2021 22:07

I wasn't having sex with my ex for two years before we split and it was always crap before that. However there was intimacy right up until the last day. Bet she doesn't know that. It feels worse to me somehow.

Cruiser11 · 30/09/2021 22:08

They often say their wife is ill, physically or mentally or if they a real sleazeball then she’s suicidal.

KateofGhent · 30/09/2021 22:08

OP, I have not read the full thread, but yes they do.
The amount of intelligent women I have heard saying:
"Nothing happens between him and his wife, she does nothing for him at all"
The women have heard this from their affair partner, and believe them!
If these men want their side salad, they are not going to admit they are having the best of both worlds. Greedy . . . .