Page 6 | Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

Onthedunes · 30/09/2021 23:27

I reckon if you tell his wife exactly what happened, he would become totally available.

I don't think she actually got to the bottom of really finding out about you five years ago.

He will have denied it and said you were just a friend, crisis over, he's back in the home with his financials back on balance and you are still in the background for sex, that he may or may not be getting from his wife as she still hates him for having an affair which she never had absolute proof of.

Maybe, his initial separation sounds like she found out about an emotional connection with someone and he went for a while with all the bravado of a cheating git wanting his own way.
You were infatuated at this time and I hope you didn't leave your husband for him, as in your earlier post it sounds as though you are very angry at him for your possition after your divorce.

Infatution fades and if he had a long marriage it seems he really forgot what love means, it's so much more than sex and false promises and future faking.

Youv'e been had, you've been used whilst he had his mid life crisis, you are now useful because yes maybe his wife does not put out, yet he still chooses her and his children above you, he loves her and everything they shared over the years.

And her mental illness, I,m sure she was fine until he met you.
Both of you have acted very selfishly, you knew the score, his separation was not real, it happened because of you.

Tell his wife, she has a right to know the full facts.
I honestly don't know why you wouldn't.
5 years this woman has been lied to, that poor woman.
You have made a mockery out of this woman's life and you refuse to take any of the blame, only seeing your own losses.

He was never yours to fall in love with and I think you know this, this is why you do not wish to give him an ultimatum.

k1233 · 30/09/2021 23:31

He's either married or he isn't. If he wants to stay married, for whatever reason he uses, then that's it. You are the OW. He sounds like he has reconciled with his wife. As long as they continue to live as a family unit, I really think your best option is to cut and run. As you've said, you aren't his priority. You're not even second fiddle. Is that what you want for the rest of your life? Being an afterthought?

theleafandnotthetree · 30/09/2021 23:35

[quote Curiousityiskillingthiscat]@SweeneyToddler sorry, I don’t think I was really looking for advice. I was just thinking that there were people out there who did live in sexless marriages and whose OPs were having affairs. That there was some chance he might actually be telling me the truth.
You are clearly right.[/quote]
I have a number of friends living in effectively sexless marriages (i.e. a couple of times per year). If any of them had affairs and said this, they would be telling the truth. Aren't there threads here everyday from people living in such marriages, it's hardly uncommon. I actually find the 'no sex' bit of the equation totally credible and can see how the situation has developed.

GAHgamel · 30/09/2021 23:37

Even if they're not having sex, there'll always be another reason for him not to bite the bullet and leave his wife. Stop putting your life on hold, and go and find someone who makes you a priority in their life.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 30/09/2021 23:39

I was in a sexless marriage for 7 years before calling time on it. I think my XH started seeing the OW in that time so I guess it was an affair. So yes, it's more than possible for someone not to be having sex in a marriage while having an affair. Of course.

theleafandnotthetree · 30/09/2021 23:49

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat

Did I ask the wrong question? Is the question, is anyone in a sexless marriage just for their children? And are they having an affair? I’m Just clutching at straws here now aren’t I? Why do I care. This is by far and away the lowest I’ve ever felt. Used and disgusted.

I know someone very well who absolutely did stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of his children and family unit and because of his belief in marriage per se. He did have an affair at one stage and finally left for the OW many years later. The last I heard they were happy as a couple but of course the wider collatoral damage is significant. I know a fair few people, male and female, muddling through in bad enough marriages and staying put for reasons that haven't got a whole lot to do with love or sex. I find that entirely credible OP so please don't ASSUME he's some kind of calculating bastard stringing you along as others here would have it. My sense is that he does love you, wants everyone else to be ok too and just doesn't have the balls or the stomach for what would lie ahead if he were to follow through. But in some ways, it doesn't matter the reasons, the end result is the same for you. You're unhappy in your relationship and it doesn't look like he can give you what you want and you have to decide what you are going to do about that.

earthyfire · 30/09/2021 23:53

I know someone who told the OW he wasn't having sex with his wife but then got both pregnant at the same time!

Mamanyt · 30/09/2021 23:54

I will say this...What someone will do with you, they will do to you with someone else. And many men are drawn to the OW because they do not have the responsibilities to her that they do to the wife...which means that if they do leave the wife for the OW, and take on responsibilities, they'll be looking for the "no pressures" relationship again, and the OW becomes the "sexless marriage" wife. Just a caution, there.

Cut him loose, and be sure that the next man you allow yourself to get close to is fully available.

poonypoony · 01/10/2021 00:09

I wasn't having sex with my H while having my affair.

WildRunner · 01/10/2021 00:14

I think ultimately it doesn't matter whether or not he's having sex with his wife. Over 5 years, he's failed to commit to you. You're worth better.

me4real · 01/10/2021 00:17

I find that entirely credible OP so please don't ASSUME he's some kind of calculating bastard stringing you along as others here would have it.

@theleafandnotthetree It's a far more likely scenario than that he is, going on the balance of probability of what these men are usually like. Either way, he is immoral and untrustworthy.

coffeeschmoffee · 01/10/2021 00:28

I've been involved with a MM for a few years. He tells me he only "occasionally" has sex with his wife. I don't really believe him.

Kanaloa · 01/10/2021 00:29

Does it matter either way? If he’s in a sexless marriage and doesn’t want to be he needs a divorce, not an affair.

user1481840227 · 01/10/2021 00:36

Of course they're not ALL having sex.

There has been many threads on here where women admit all intimacy was gone from their marriage and then they found out their husband was having an affair.

Also a good few threads where women said their partner suddenly turned off sex and the first thing people say is that there's an OW with many posters saying that that's what happened to them.

There's tons of sexless relationships out there so obviously at least some of the cheaters are the ones in sexless relationships, unless all of the cheaters are still having sex with their wives, while all of the people in sexless relationships remain faithful. That doesn't add up!

user1481840227 · 01/10/2021 00:44

He sounds like an utter prick even if he is telling the truth.
How selfish could a person be to keep some stringing on for so long, if he cared about you and loved you he would have let you go to be happy if he knew he was going to be staying in that situation.

Also it's very possible his wife was in fact sick or ill, stress can do that to you and cause you to feel incredibly sick or manifest as physical issues.

me4real · 01/10/2021 00:44

I've been involved with a MM for a few years. He tells me he only "occasionally" has sex with his wife. I don't really believe him.

@coffeeschmoffee Wouldn't you want to bin? It's great I promise you. x

Also a good few threads where women said their partner suddenly turned off sex and the first thing people say is that there's an OW with many posters saying that that's what happened to them.

@user1481840227 That's a good point. It mightn't be that the 'poor' MM isn't getting sex from his wife so feels he has to go elsewhere for 'love' and sex. It could be that the husband just prefers to cheat on his wife for whatever reason (ego, novelty, excitement, kink etc or even sometimes being more into the OW) rather than make love to her to whom he made his vows.

Onthedunes · 01/10/2021 00:53

He may well not be having sex with his wife op, she may be denying him that.

Do you think he would still see you of you declined him a sexual relationship? or do you think he would still pop round because he's 'the one.'

I know of marriages where the husband has had an affair, stayed married and become obseesed the wife was going to return the favour, maybe he feels like this.
Doesn't actually want anyone else to have her.

Snugglybuggly · 01/10/2021 01:21

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

No they don't all lie about being in sexless marriages, some are some aren't some have different reasons

Nsky · 01/10/2021 01:29

Just confront him, and say you promise all these things you either want to be with me or you don’t, give 2 days .
If not block and call time, easy, you’ve wasted enough time

SadSausage44 · 01/10/2021 01:41

My ex husband and I were having fantastic sex even after 14 years of being together. We were on our third round of ivf when I found out he was having an affair with someone he met in the pub on the night we found out our second ivf failed...he still let me crack on with the third try. They went on to have twins a few months later. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, we had a beautiful house, a wonderful life, fantastic sex... but that ultimately meant nothing. So yes, they still have sex with their wife.

evelynhugo · 01/10/2021 01:57

Poor you op. To answer the question, my ex said we were sex less, we were not. We conceived having IVF he told her I seduced him while drunk and tricked him into the pregnancy. When I finally started to realise he was having an affair (I just couldn't prove it or who it was with at the time) and ended it he was distraught but told her he left me. He would have strung us both along if he could have. I found out her side through the grape vine when I worked out who she was. He really betrayed her as much as me. She can keep him! 😊

1forAll74 · 01/10/2021 03:09

I think that both scenarios happen, as in some men still have sex with a wife whilst having an affair, and some don't have sex, as they have gone off sex with their wives. But in lots of cases, the men will bend the truth about lots of things to the other woman.And in a few cases I would say, the other woman won't give a fig what the man says, as long as she is being kept happy by the cheating man.

MsLup · 01/10/2021 03:26

Mine told OW we were just 'business partners' and not having sex.

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2021 03:56

Honey, you're in very deep and I'm not sure how much certainty you can have about anything.

I think you should take a big, big, big step back and start asking yourself whether ANYTHING he has told you is true. Here are a few possibilities to consider.

Your initial incredible 'falling in love' experience was actually you being love-bombed by a narcissistic. Hanging on to a relationship that started like a dream but became a lot less satisfying is the classic narcissistic relationship trap
He may have been narcissistically abusing his wife for years, and she eventually threw him out or he discarded her. But the whole time he was courting you, he was also doing what's called 'hoovering' on her, telling her he missed her and wanted to get back together, keeping her on the back burner. Once he had you on board, he realised he could have his cake (family life) and eat it too (a devoted mistress)
Maybe she was never really sick. Or maybe she developed an autoimmune disease or mental health problems, which are both quite common in the wake of narcissistic relationships
Their shared custody arrangements were shambolic and bitter because he's a manipulative asshole who blames other people (or circumstances) for everything despite the fact that he's the real problem
The fact that you've already been in an abusive relationship means you are far, far more likely to fall prey to another abusive relationship unless you really, truly learned about how abusive relationships work and put a lot of time into understanding how you ended up in one in the first place.
Part of what has made your relationship feel good for the last five years is that it's just the exciting, romantic stuff, sex, missing and anticipating seeing each other, grand declarations of love, the thrill of the forbidden, without any of the boring, day-to-day practical bullshit, negotiations about chores and who is picking the kids up, seeing each other day in and out, snoring, annoying habits, etc.

Actions speak louder than words. Words only tell you how someone wants you to see them. Their actions are what show you what they're really like.

The fact that he's been cheating on his wife for five long years is a good action to sit with when you try to consider what he's really like.

Staryflight445 · 01/10/2021 06:25

You’re focusing on the wrong thing.
He won’t leave her for you, regardless of whether they’re together or not.
You’re not important.
Get some self respect.