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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

326 replies

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 20:41

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

OP posts:
Finallydonewithhim · 30/09/2021 22:09

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat almost certainly yes.

Please don’t wait another day.

KateofGhent · 30/09/2021 22:10

Oh, and I should add, the women involved are often speaking to their hairdresser! What do they tell their hairdressers for? They are not their friends, they are just cutting their hair!

ManifestingJoy · 30/09/2021 22:12

Oh boy. At best he's a very weak man. At worst he's entitled to cake and eating it. No, worse than that, he just feels entitled to waste five years of your life cos he likes you kind of.

I think you need to get turned off at a really visceral level so that it's not even a decision never mind a difficult one.

He has wasted five years of your life. And even if he loves you up to a point he doesn't love you Enough to disentangle himself from his old life, have those difficult conversations etc... If he's not weak then he's wasted five years of your life because he could. Get. Turned. Off

Mateypotatey · 30/09/2021 22:13

Ugh so many red flags. IME any man who tries to claim their wife is sick, physically or mentally, is waving a MASSIVE red flag. If he wanted to leave her he would.

Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:14

I think I’m relieved in some perverse way that no one has come on here and said there is some prospect he is telling the truth. I don’t fully understand why I feel this relief though. I hoped so badly that a raft of people would say they did lead separate lives for their children to be under one roof.

I’m probably just so fed up and miserable of waiting that I know I need out.

I’m also horribly sad at the number of women who’ve posted who have also wasted years waiting.

I don’t think I necessarily thought I was wasting time until tonight. It always felt like there was a purpose at the end of this. But if they’re not leading separate lives and sharing the same bed which from everyone’s experiences looks like they are then I’ve fallen for the oldest like in the book. What is wrong with men like him? Why? Why do this? So angry and tearful and full of sadness at the complete waste my post-divorce years. I can’t start again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:16

@Cruiser11 yes, I have heard the suicidal line too. 2 years ago when he supposedly tried to leave again. Didn’t even occur to me that this was a “line”. What is wrong with these men?

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 30/09/2021 22:16

Maybe the wife did become ill though? Ground down by a cheating husband! You sound very unsympathetic towards her illness but has it occured to you that you and her husband contributed towards her illness through your affair? Maybe it was more mental than physical but her and her children are the victims here.

Bagamoyo1 · 30/09/2021 22:17

Is he claiming they’re not a couple? That they’re still separated and only cohabiting for the children? Because if so then he is a free agent, and she will know that, and therefore you could ask her if they still have sex.
However, my interpretation is that they had a trial separation, he loved it and met you, she hated it and became depressed. The kids were miserable. So they worked in their marriage and got back together. Only he kept you on in the background, without telling her. So purely by accident you became the OW.
I feel for you because you obviously love him, and he probably loves you too, but he loves his family unit more. You need to call his bluff and stop seeing him.
My Mum played the waiting game. 35 years. And they only became an official couple then because his wife died.

Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:19

Did I ask the wrong question? Is the question, is anyone in a sexless marriage just for their children? And are they having an affair? I’m Just clutching at straws here now aren’t I? Why do I care. This is by far and away the lowest I’ve ever felt. Used and disgusted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:20

@Bagamoyo1everything you said. All of it sadly is spot on.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 30/09/2021 22:21

Yup, me and my now exdh were having sex, we had a healthy sex life whilst he was also enjoying a healthy sex life with the OW

SheSaidHummingbird · 30/09/2021 22:21

I think you need to have a conversation with him. Tell him how you feel, and, if you really do want to be with him, give him an ultimatum.

Cruiser11 · 30/09/2021 22:23

I think block him and go non contact. Book a few sessions of counselling and arrange nice things with your friends or better still book a little trip away.

ManifestingJoy · 30/09/2021 22:24

I agree with the poster who says it's just a different kind of abuse.

I had an abusive x and it was so clearly AWFUL that it was simple. He was just so AWFUL to me. And it was five whole years after leaving him until I dated again. I thought I was sensible. But unfortunately I met this man who started out like a match made in heaven boyfriend but then quickly relegated me to something beneath girlfriend, and I was hooked by then. And I felt rejected, not good enough, sad. But he just wouldn't go away.. And even though he made it clear he wasn't my ''boyfriend'' he acted like my boyfriend. He rang me and said nice things and we got on so well and I felt like I loved him Confused I realise now i just formed an attachment.

It was abusive. He knew exactly what I'd been through. He didn't discourage me from accepting his sloppy breadcrumbs. He should have felt that I deserved more than that crap. But he ignored every boundary between a friend and a girlfriend even though it depleted me and eroded me and compounded my feelings of worthlessness. He did that just because it SUITED HIM. wow.

He was ridiculous. It carried on until I challenged him on his theories about not putting a label on it and how it had been nice for him and harmed me. He was just defensive. A bit defensive. But not that much because he was more like 'shrugging' over it.

I felt thoroughly duped by a confidence trickster at the end of our relationship that he would never even admit was a relationship.

It was a headfuck.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/09/2021 22:25

A friend of mine whose husband left her for a much younger woman was having sex with her (his wife) right until he moved out. She knew he was leaving, I think she liked the idea he was cheating on the OW with her.

DFOD · 30/09/2021 22:26

I am not clear how you / he or his the wife are defining your status?

They were separated - you started dating so you were not the OW.

He went back to live separate lives as she was unwell - is this when you became the OW?

Did your RS go underground from here?

Hathertonhariden · 30/09/2021 22:26

Have you had any contact with his wider family since he moved back in? Obviously Covid will have stopped a lot of physical meet ups but contact on social media, WhatsApp, zoom, phone?

I suspect in the same way that he's told you he's not sleeping with his wife, he's told his family that you split up when he went back to her. Did you ever witness her behaviour or was it all reported to you?

Men who have affairs generally need to convince themselves and others that they are the good guy and that leads to creating the impression that their life is so bad that they deserve a chance of happiness with their affair partner. Telling the truth makes it obvious that they aren't the good guy.

maffhew · 30/09/2021 22:27

There are people in sexless marriages. We know from threads on here that there's plenty of women no longer interested in sex and if their husbands have affairs then yes they are telling the truth.

Onthedunes · 30/09/2021 22:27

Give him an ultimatum.
Tell his wife.

You will soon get your answers.

Babochan88 · 30/09/2021 22:29

Curiousityiskillingthiscat…please tell me you’re joking? I’m sorry, the way you describe it, it sounds like he got back with his wife 5 years ago and they’ve been together ever since. Please move on with your life, he deffo has

NowEvenBetter · 30/09/2021 22:30

No point pondering why. Because they enjoy it. It’s a game, it’s entertainment, they even ‘double dip’ -shagging their lover/s and wife in the same day and spin the same old pathetic cliches, yet are believed. Mistresses humiliate themselves and throw years of their lives down the toilet for low quality, dirty men. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 22:33

@DFOD I didn’t even become the OW after he’d moved back in. He moved to help and to look after children. They were living separate lives then. He would stay over at times, she would phone and he would clearly say he was with me.

At that point I didn’t doubt that they were leading separate lives under one roof. But as time has gone by (the last 2 years really - not helped by covid) I’ve been relegated to non-existent.
And I am struggling to believe that in all this time they aren’t sharing a bed and that they haven’t gone from leading visibly separate lives to at the very least having sex.

5 years under one roof post separation - of course they’ll have slept together. This entire thread has just cemented that fear.

OP posts:
DFOD · 30/09/2021 22:33

Why had he separated from his wife originally? Did he have an affair with someone else?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/09/2021 22:34

[quote Curiousityiskillingthiscat]@Lightisnotwhite I’ve been slowly erased. First year Christmas was together, second year Christmas he popped over, third year his children needed him and subsequent years the expectation he is staying home.

This is making me so angry even writing this out. I’m so mad at him at the moment. Because clearly only 1 in 10000000000 men are actually in sexless marriages.

I need to walk away from this. In so many ways this is worse than my divorce. I hated my husband so it was easy to leave him in the end. It’s a damn sight harder to walk away from someone you love.[/quote]
What's his excuse for this? If they're just living together for the sake of DC and they're effectively seperate why isn't he open about this relationship with you? Have you seen his family and friends since he moved back in for his children? Why would he hide you from his wife and family if it was all above board. He's lying to someone, probably everyone by the sounds of it. If he's sleeping with you and his wife and family unaware he's lying to them all. You shouldn't be a lie, you deserve more than that. Him lying and I expect gaslighting his wife about his affair will not be helping her mental health. He could have gone back honestly if he felt he really needed to go back for his DC sake, but he chose to lie to all of you instead.

Bagelsandbrie · 30/09/2021 22:34

I don’t think the question you need to be asking is about sex. Plenty of marriages continue happily without sex. It isn’t the be all and end all that people think it is, especially when one party is ill. The question is whether he loves her and wants to stay with her. That’s irrespective of the sex.

When my now ex dh left me for his ex we were having the most sex we’d ever had before he left. It was very odd. It was like he was excited by the whole thing.