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Original poster

Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

326 replies

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 20:41

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

OP posts:
Dontbeamugallyourlifesucker · 05/10/2021 23:51

Come on OP! He is making a bloody fool out of you.... And you are letting him! Of course he still has sex with his wife!!!

Original poster
Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 06/10/2021 15:48

Sorry I’ve not replied since last week I’ve had a lot going on. I told him I couldn’t keep waiting and there’s always some reason he has to stay and on Sunday he moved out. I am in shock that he has done this and all of the conversations he’s been having with his wife since then make it so clear that she knew from the minute he moved back in after their initial separation (to stress , the one that meant he was single when I met him) that it was just for their children. He had been 100% telling the truth about them not having a relationship beyond one for their children.

I feel such mixed emotions so happy that he has finally done this for us but sad that it’s happened abruptly for him and his wife. She admitted she hoped he would reverse their decision to separate all those years ago but that she knew the reasons why they separated in the first place hadn’t magically disappeared over the last few years. It’s clear from their conversations that they hate each other and he didn’t lie about that either. I can’t believe it’s finally happening and actually it was the push from this thread that made me tell him I wanted to walk away.

OP posts:
Cruiser11 · 06/10/2021 16:00

Congratulations on ‘winning’ the prize.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 16:01

He may not have lied, but he's treated you very badly. Can you get over that?

DFOD · 06/10/2021 16:01

Why did they separate initially?

Was it his unilateral decision?

Where is he living now?

Curiosityiskillingthiscat · 06/10/2021 16:08

@ravenmum when I look at the reasons why he moved back after we met basically to look after his children then yes I can forgive him.

He stayed longer because of Covid and various other reasons that I understand which is why I carried on waiting. My struggles and trust issues were based on whether they were his only reason for staying. Everything I’ve seen and heard the last few days prove it was only for them. I don’t have children of my own but I understand why he stayed so long and yes I forgive him.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 16:12

I hope it doesn't make you feel as if you are "lucky" to have got him - he is amazingly lucky to have found two women prepared to put up with his mess - and that you don't let him get away with any more shit llike that in future.

DFOD · 06/10/2021 16:36

[quote Curiosityiskillingthiscat]@ravenmum when I look at the reasons why he moved back after we met basically to look after his children then yes I can forgive him.

He stayed longer because of Covid and various other reasons that I understand which is why I carried on waiting. My struggles and trust issues were based on whether they were his only reason for staying. Everything I’ve seen and heard the last few days prove it was only for them. I don’t have children of my own but I understand why he stayed so long and yes I forgive him.[/quote]
Covid has only been 18 months - if he has been gone home for 5 years then it was a further 3.5 years before that you endured this situation.

I don’t get that he said he had no idea how difficult it was for you during this time when you said he had been “begging (in tears)”? Sounds like there was plenty of drama?

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 16:41

Yes from first hand experience here OP. If you are having an affair with a MM anyway he is use to being a lier. Stay clear.

MaeD · 06/10/2021 16:41

Well, good luck, hopefully it will work out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/10/2021 16:42

He had been 100% telling the truth about them not having a relationship beyond one for their children.

And 100% lying to her that he was in a relationship with you, and sleeping with you, for the entire five year period.

Covid aside he spent 3.5 years not being with you properly.

It sounds like you're elated but you don't know someone as well as you think you do until you live with them.

You do know a few things for sure though - that he is capable of lying, that he is a coward who lies instead of facing conflict or having to make unpopular decisions unless his hand is forced, that he wouldn't have left her properly had you not threatened to walk, that he is so astonishingly thick he 'didn't realise' asking you to wait for literally years on end was upsetting to you... the list goes on.

Congrats. His wife will be feeling elated pretty soon I think!

DFOD · 06/10/2021 16:47

Your big test will be to get yourself invited out with his friends and family ASAP if he is so comfortable and transparent with this all…..

SleepingBunnies21 · 06/10/2021 16:49

Best of luck op.

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 16:53

OP I'm just reading everyone's comments here. I didn't realise how bad this situation is for you.

Don't waste anymore time on this man. He is just lying here. You will never know what is going on behind his and his wife's closed doors and you will drive yourself mad (and post on here) trying to work it out.

It's easy for us to say that I know but take it from someone who has been the OW for 2 years. I stupidly wasted so much time on a loser 20 years older than me. He eventually moved out for me apparently (he was actually kicked out!!) and I left my DP of 10 years to be with this OM. We lived together for 2 months and then ended!! You don't know someone until you live with them, pay the bills, sleep together every night, decide what to cook, wash the dishes and floors (and his dirty pants) !!

BIGGEST mistake of my life and lesson learnt. DP took me back. The part that hurts me the most is knowing what my DP and his wife and kids must of felt like. I put it down to being young and immature and moved on with my life (now TTC with DP)

The aftermath of realising what you are doing is almost worse than the act itself. If OM wanted you... why are you not together now?

ChargingBuck · 06/10/2021 16:55

He had been 100% telling the truth about them not having a relationship beyond one for their children.

Is he, aye?

You're fooling yourself OP, & your cloud of elation will dissipate when he finds himself at a loose end because he's now only got one woman on the boil.

He took 5 years to come clean to his wife, & decide to be with you.
He's telling you they never slept together in those 5 years? Had no happy times, closeness, emotional intimacy, mutual support?

I'm prepared to bet he might "have to" occasionally sleep over at the family home on the odd weekend, "for the children". Attend family holidays, for the children". Why wouldn't he? - you've shown him you'll tolerate it.

Maybe I'm completely wrong & you will get your happy ever after OP.
But please walk into this with your eyes open.
Also, if he moves straight in with you, don't allow him to cocklodge off you, "because of the kids" i.e. he doesn't feel like making a fair contribution to your housing costs.

Onthedunes · 06/10/2021 16:56

Hope his childen are ok.

You sound better.

me4real · 06/10/2021 17:02

I agree. The timeframe has to be realistic otherwise OP will just keep extending it. I highly doubt he will leave now as it will ruin Christmas for the kids (that'll get trotted out as a reason for sure). Give him 6 months - that's end of March next year. If there's no change and more excuses for not leaving, you need to end it for you. You need to move on and find the type of relationship you actually want. Not a shadow of a relationship.

@k1233 There's no reason for OP to stay involved with him at all. If she really wants this untrustworthy, cruel guy, she can tell him he can get back to her whe he's left his wife and is living separately from her, and she'll think about it.

Sound like a plan @Curiousityiskillingthiscat ?

neither of us were having sex with our spouses. I know because of the amount of pain it was causing him and it was the reason he'd chosen to cheat, I wasn't the first

You don't know that though @WanderingLost167 . That's what 'my' MM told me but have no way of knowing. By all accounts he was obsessed wiith sex, that's why he was trying it on with/getting off with so many women (and anonymous men.) Even if his wife was shagging him and hadn't declared herself asexual as he claimed, he'd still be doing it.

As for OP's MM finally leaving... Biscuit

Pugmumm · 06/10/2021 17:02

OP I've just read your update (sorry). Good luck going out with his friend and family as that will all be new for you.

It was awkward from my experience to even say the least and you might always be known in the family as the 'other woman'. I wasn't called it directly but it was very clear there was an atmosphere and I was being called it indirectly from whispers.

I got the cold shoulder from his mother too and his kids never looked me in the eye. Mum of the kids always came first.

EmmalineC · 06/10/2021 19:02

This happy ending for you sounds too good to be true - he will have massive guilt over leaving the family home so close to Christmas. His wife will almost certainly have a relapse and he will have to return home 'for the children'. I think you are deluding yourself, sadly.

Tiredofbs123 · 06/10/2021 19:49

‘but sad that it’s happened abruptly for him and his wife’

AND his children right, you know the ones that really struggled the last time.

‘It’s clear from their conversations that they hate each other and he didn’t lie about that either.’

Yep I’m sure she probably rightly hates his guts after lying and deceiving her for all these years.

But tbh I think this is best all round. And she will finally have the chance of some happiness, either on her own or with someone of worth.

sjpiold · 06/10/2021 20:10

I think people are being unfair to you here, criticising you and telling you he is a bad egg - I am separated but still living under the same roof and so of course it happens - but what would bother me here is the fact that you didn't check all this with her years ago. If my oh lived with a woman for the sake of kids, I'd not be bothered as long as it was all out in the open and I had spoken to her to make sure we were all on the same page. Otherwise the doubt that everyone understood would feel too much like potential dishonesty.

If you had all discussed like adults it would have prevented this abrupt end which like others have said would not have been good for the children.

theleafandnotthetree · 06/10/2021 20:33

@EmmalineC

This happy ending for you sounds too good to be true - he will have massive guilt over leaving the family home so close to Christmas. His wife will almost certainly have a relapse and he will have to return home 'for the children'. I think you are deluding yourself, sadly.
So close to Christmas? It's the first week in October! FFS
Antonia2021 · 08/10/2021 13:08

Really pleased for you OP. Best wishes for the future xx

MushMonster · 08/10/2021 17:23

You sound happy OP.
I am going to rain a bit on your parade.
I am not fond at all of this type of man. He is reactive to the women in his life, instead of a leader and fair person, following his head and heart.
So if his ex makes some noise, he goes back.
If you make some noise he comes to you...
Ok, that could be the end, or not....
You could be put aside for one of his older children pushing the bottoms. His family. His work. You know what I mean. He sounds like a pushover to me.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/10/2021 17:53

@MushMonster

You sound happy OP. I am going to rain a bit on your parade. I am not fond at all of this type of man. He is reactive to the women in his life, instead of a leader and fair person, following his head and heart. So if his ex makes some noise, he goes back. If you make some noise he comes to you... Ok, that could be the end, or not.... You could be put aside for one of his older children pushing the bottoms. His family. His work. You know what I mean. He sounds like a pushover to me.
I think that's quite an astute observation. I have such a man in my life and you've described him quite well. He is a 'nice' guy but in trying to keep everyone sweet, ends up fucking it up with everyone.