Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

[Curiousityiskillingthiscat]

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

If you were the ‘one’ for him he would move heaven and earth to be with you. He would not be still living with his wife 5 years on.

How often do you actually see him on a weekly basis.

Stolen moments during the day, conversations whilst he returns home from work.

Late night texts when his wife is in bed.

Please don't do this anymore, his poor wife, who brought up his children, cared and supported him throughtout the years is being humiliated and crapped on in the worst way possible.

How could you carry on with your rediculous fairytale of insisting he is the one.

@LizzieSiddal

He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him

No you do NOT have to trust him for a second longer.

You have been completely brainwashed havnt you. Look if he hasn't left after 5 years then he never will. He is treating you like a fool. And of course he is sleeping with her he wouldn't be there otherwise Wake up

He's gone back to his wife and stringing you along. Maybe because he can't give you up, who knows, but it's shit for you and he doesn't care as all his needs are being met.

Please don't continue this thing you have. You only have one life and it doesn't come with a time machine.
(From another wise Mumsnetter)

Tell him you need to move on with your life and finish it

I think you are operating at a terribly high level of denial.

You say this man is 'The One', a term usually understood to mean your 'soulmate', someone who gets you at a deep level, who matches you perfectly.

Yet this man has just told you that he did not realise that waiting for him to leave his marriage and commence a full relationship with you for five years was causing you to suffer deeply.

Ask yourself if someone who is so blind to your feelings could truly be called your soulmate. The One. Whether he actually understands who you really are at all.

the ow was very surprised I was pregnant.....

They are a couple in the eyes of the world. You are a woman on the sidelines who waits for him.

OP I think it comes down to this. I really think he's just keen on preserving his position in his community but doesn't want to let go of the hot sex.

Same old...

@Limejuiceandrum I agree. The timeframe has to be realistic otherwise OP will just keep extending it. I highly doubt he will leave now as it will ruin Christmas for the kids (that'll get trotted out as a reason for sure). Give him 6 months - that's end of March next year. If there's no change and more excuses for not leaving, you need to end it for you. You need to move on and find the type of relationship you actually want. Not a shadow of a relationship.

[quote k1233]@Limejuiceandrum I agree. The timeframe has to be realistic otherwise OP will just keep extending it. I highly doubt he will leave now as it will ruin Christmas for the kids (that'll get trotted out as a reason for sure). Give him 6 months - that's end of March next year. If there's no change and more excuses for not leaving, you need to end it for you. You need to move on and find the type of relationship you actually want. Not a shadow of a relationship.[/quote]
Ffs give it 6 months till the end of March !

Has everyone forgot she's screwing another woman's husband, you know the one who he walked up the ailse and promised to love, honour and definitely not obey, in sickness and in health.

Op has managed to manipulate posters into thinking she is the victim in this sorry scenario.
The fact is he was a married man when she met him and he continues to be one and she is intruding in their marriage.

Ruin Christmas for the kids (that'll get trotted out as a reason for sure)
[shocked]

Poor wife and children, nobody gives a shit.

Fail

OP, I feel the reason why your initial question refers to sex, is that’s the only thing he offers to your relationship.

Family days out, future plans, financial support, taking the bins out - they all belong to his wife and you’re left with the sex thinking it’s something the wife doesn’t get and somehow makes you special.

Please get out now and save everyone further heartbreak. You sound vulnerable and have obviously been in a difficult relationship before.

If this shit storm eventually surfaces (and I don’t think it will come to light because he is ‘leaving’ his wife) then you will be hated. Children are involved here - get out before YOU help with any further damage.

Thousands of people separate and give their children the love , care and a good life they deserve. These kids grow up to be well-rounded adults. His children aren't an exception to this.

Seeing your parents in a loveless relationship is more detrimental than separation.

It is impossible to act like you are a couple , are a happy unit all the time when you're not.

And now you are no further forward except you have more empty promises which are slowly destroying you.

People's thoughts can be manipulated. You are so desperate to believe him that you can no longer step back and see what's happening.

I really feel for you as you sound so sad and beaten down by this. Please go to counselling if you can afford it. Talk you thoughts, feelings and past with someone who can help.

You say you didn’t set out to become the OW, maybe not but that is the position he has put you in.
The chances of him not having sex with his wife considering the amount of time he’s been living back home are somewhere between fat chance and no chance.
As pp stated if she truly got sick surely he should have arranged temp custody of the DC, moving back in was never going to have a satisfactory outcome. If he is intent on leaving his family again, all he’s done is mess with his kids minds and made the whole thing much more painful for them. He’s a self absorbed cunt.
You’ve wasted 5 years of your life on him, I have the feeling you are wanting to believe his meaningless BS, so will prob waste a few more years yet, unless you get some self respect and find a decent man, one who is willing and able to be in a proper relationship. You certainly don’t have that now

The two narratives at play in this thread are quite clear:

Narcissist, controlling, manipulative man who is playing the poor wife and victim other woman. They both ‘deserve’ better blah blah blah.

Or
Manipulative, controlling, bullying WIFE who has used the kids against him and he’s too weak to leave for his twu luv/soulmate/the one, so they part ways star crossed lovers.

It’s so tiring pointing out that we ALL have free will and OP is choosing her path. She is forcing herself into another woman’s family. Discussing another woman’s children with this cheating man, and now we’re helping her make decisions about another women’s children and their future (wait till after Christmas ffs). She is, in fact an active and willing participant in this man’s abuse of his wife, putting her at risk mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually.

There is only one party who has had the privilege of personal agency ripped from them, and that is the betrayed. Stop trying to pretend these two women are on an equal footing. They. are. not.

I read this thread with absolute shock. I’m not sure half the posters on here, would be putting on their soothing voices and stroking OP metaphorical hair IF this were their husband or their children who had been deceived for five bloody years!

Yes

I don't think many of us have anything like full sympathy for the OP. She has certainly been used and lied to terribly by this man, which she doesn't deserve and people can find some compassion for that. She has her own significant responsibility for remaining in a clearly wrong situation here too, and hopefully she will wake up to both facts.

Assuming she does and dumps him, unfortunately there's no happy ending for the wife. She's still married to someone who's been willing to cheat on her for five years – do you think it's more likely that he's going to suddenly realise the error of his ways and recommit to his family, or do you think he's going to find a new willing sucker to cheat with? Yeah.

I'm sure there would be plenty of sympathy for the wife if she posted on here, but regardless of the wrong the OP has been complicit in, she's also a victim of long-term emotional abuse, which is well-known to weaken your ability to make good decisions.

He didn't know you were hurt by waiting?

Hahaha (that's him laughing to himself at how clever he is keeping you towing the line while waking up next to his wife this morning)

Separate beds not happening OP

If you can signpost me to one comment just ONE from her that alludes to any empathy for the betrayed wife and children she is involved in hurting, I’ll listen. But there are NONE. In fact she is dismissive, questions her illness and actually writes a throw away comment about one of the children who was STRUGGLING!!!

This is just one long pity party from her.

Being ‘Emotionally abused’ does not give you an excuse to not reflect and realise the harm you yourself are perpetrating on another.

And I have no idea where you get the idea that those calling all this out (I’m not alone) would want the wife with this man. She deserves better. The OP is welcome to him imho!

Stop press - cheating man lies to OW as well as wife, shock, horror!!

Did you think you were the only one?

I never ever will understand how gullible some women are, if he does ever leave his wife for you, once an adulterer always one, you'll be wearing the shoe on the other foot soon enough...

YES
YES
YES
YES

They MM do have sex with there wives, a fool who is also having sex with them is just feeding there ego.

OP ain't comimg back.

It's obvious she's deep in the "one" bullshit.

She doesn't want to hear any of this, she's still not ready to hear any of this.

If you can signpost me to one comment just ONE from her that alludes to any empathy for the betrayed wife and children she is involved in hurting, I’ll listen. But there are NONE. In fact she is dismissive, questions her illness and actually writes a throw away comment about one of the children who was STRUGGLING!!!

True.

She's also complicit in fucking around behind this "unstable" woman's back for five years and counting; what dies she think its going to do to her if/when she finds out.

I'd also be interested to know how, in this sexless marriage, his wife is having most peoples need for physical intimacy met. She's apparently not involved wothvanyine else; if she was, op wouldnt have to be a secret or hubbies could probably just leave. So this woman is happy to live in a sexoess, intimacy free marriage for 5 years a counting? She doesn't feel the need for cuddles, she doesn't get the horn, if she dies her the horn she doesn't turn to her husband, she what - sorts herself out? Hmm.

I should add the commebt about the wife illness abd the struggling child did refer, I believe, to when he was separated, and the reasons he went back.

But the resentment & bitterness is obvious, they ruined her relationship by forcing him to go back. In reality nothing abd boone could have forced him to go back. Many people have touched out similar situations.

*toughed out

Also she seems a little bit oblivious to his children's needs, I mean the bloke might be an utter rat to his wife, but his kids will always gone before the OW, or should do, mine would.