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Original poster

Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

326 replies

Curiousityiskillingthiscat · 30/09/2021 20:41

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 18:37

Do you know how you could resend this whole thing op - tell his wife he's been having a relationship with you avd sleeping with you for 5 years, ask her if they truly haven't been intimate since they went back tk cohabiting. Ask her if she had someone else, like he does.

Then you'll know for sure if he's been lying, and there'll be an end to this farce he's making g of your life (either way, either she throws him out and lucky ol you gets him, or she keeps him, he stays and you finally know whether he'd ever leave or not. Of course him leaving through being thrown out is not the same as him leaving voluntarily).

You won't do that though .... because he uses exactly the same mechanism most married cheaters use - that if you cause him shot, blow up his situation, break his confidence, drop him in it etc. You won't get the prized, long awaited relationship with him you've had dangled as a carrot in front of you for years. That's how much men like him truly love and adore their mistress; she'd never too scared to step out of lune for fear he's throw her over/not forgive her for blowing things up abd telling the truth.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 18:39

The only reason I said 3-6 months is that it’s realistic - the op hasn’t left in nearly 6 years. She’s not going to leave in a day or even 2 weeks.
3-6 months gives someone a chance to organise a flat, get the kids organised etc etc.

I personally think op needs to see that he’s had enough time to sort all the practicalities and if he still can’t do it then, he’s never going to do it.

If you say 2 weeks, then he will say I can’t possibly, and op will end up thinking she’s in the wrong and nothing changes.

I say all this from seeing it happen. Leaving and going back is extremely common and op has to realise for herself what he really thinks of her. One way or another.

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 18:40

*She's always too scared to step out of line for fear he'll throw her over/ not forgive her.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 18:40

I can tell you if he’s as manipulative with the op as he obviously is with his wife. Then it’s extremely hard to leave a narcissist. Extremely

Antonia2021 · 01/10/2021 18:41

OP just so sorry for you .similar thing happened to a female friend of mine except they were both in relationships (both had kids ). She left her husband and kids and moved into a rented flat , he had said he would do the same but stalled and stalled ... the wife pulled out all the stops to keep him . Used the child to manipulate him into at staying. He couldn’t leave . He didn’t want to enough . He kept telling my friend he loved her but wouldn’t leave his wife . My friend ended the relationship in the end . Listen to what he is telling you with his actions not his words .

You are wasting your time on him I’m afraid (

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 18:42

You haven't mentioned children of your op; I seriously hope you haven't wasted 5 years of your fertile years in an illicit half relationship, waiting for him to leave his marriage??

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 18:42

*of your own

rosed1008 · 01/10/2021 18:52

My husband and i started out as an affair. And i know for 100% that he wasnt having sex with his former wife when we were having our affair. In fact it was put as one of the divorce reasons that they were no longer intimate.

My husband was truly trapped in an unhappy marriage though... and i think that is a rare occurrence not the norm! And our affair was extremely short lived, he left her very quickly- we didnt let it go on.

I know a couple of people who have been the OW and for sure the men they were seeing were spinning a line or two! But every circumstance is unique just make sure you are protecting yourself physically and emotionally. Affairs are horrible on all parties.

SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 18:58

Affairs are horrible on all parties.

GrinHmm

LizzieSiddal · 01/10/2021 19:01

He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him

No you do NOT have to trust him for a second longer.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 19:08

Affairs are horrible on all parties.

... far more horrible on the party that isn't aware of what's going on though, no? Far, far more horrible.

And i know for 100% that he wasnt having sex with his former wife when we were having our affair

You'll never, ever 100% know that I'm afraid. One of the prices you pay for being with a man capable of lying consistently and believably.

At least it worked out for you I suppose so it wasn't all for nothing.

SweeneyToddler · 01/10/2021 19:11

He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him

It sounds like you’re beyond help.

And you are the very definition of the Other Woman. Literally. You’re seeing a married man. He lives with his wife.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 19:11

@youvegottenminuteslynn
If you’ve read the whole thread the wife did know about op, as they were split up. If she now thinks he’s left the op and is fully back with her then she’s been lied to just as much the op. And he’s just been a cunt to both of them. Which I imagine is the case. I don’t think either women has been treated better or worse.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/10/2021 19:13

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@youvegottenminuteslynn
If you’ve read the whole thread the wife did know about op, as they were split up. If she now thinks he’s left the op and is fully back with her then she’s been lied to just as much the op. And he’s just been a cunt to both of them. Which I imagine is the case. I don’t think either women has been treated better or worse.[/quote]
Sorry my most recent post was in response to @rosed1008 rather than OP, I should have tagged it.

Onthedunes · 01/10/2021 19:21

[quote Limejuiceandrum]@youvegottenminuteslynn
If you’ve read the whole thread the wife did know about op, as they were split up. If she now thinks he’s left the op and is fully back with her then she’s been lied to just as much the op. And he’s just been a cunt to both of them. Which I imagine is the case. I don’t think either women has been treated better or worse.[/quote]
I find it hard to believe this man was separated when op met him, this man whose wife who was devasted, had a breakdown and whose children couldn't cope without him, when she found out about op. So they were separated without any real reason before she met him, I dont, think so.

He not the type to leave and be separated without having a replacement lined up.

Narcs don't work like that.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 19:28

@Onthedunes
Well we don’t know the truth. But I’m going to believe op and try and be kind so she doesn’t waste anymore time feeling like crap. If the wife came on I would do the same.

Limejuiceandrum · 01/10/2021 19:29

@Onthedunes
But I do agree he probably lied! And he’s a narc

Tiredofbs123 · 01/10/2021 19:47

Do we now just give every other woman a get out clause by shouting narc about the husband? Jeez some women need to take responsibility for their own actions and choices!

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2021 20:18

He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much. He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him. He has sworn he is moving out again imminently and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

Yep. What you'll see is that he'll come up with some more excuses for not leaving.

Do you really REALLY think he didn't know that waiting for a real relationship for FIVE YEARS wasn't hurting you?

Why do you 'have to' trust him? What foundation for trust is there in the relationship when he has been telling you one thing and doing another for FIVE YEARS?

The way things are now suits him just fine. You can know this because they haven't changed for FIVE YEARS. Anyone can change their circumstances in a five-year time frame if they really want to.

The only thing that will make a bit of difference and show you where his true priorities lie is for you to create some genuine consequences for him. You have to tell him, "Okay, well, I can't do this any more. I believe that you're leaving imminently, but until then, I need some space. I'll welcome you back with open arms when you leave." And then leave. Because when you tell him "I can't do this any more" and then go on doing it anyway, you're telling him that that your words are empty. You'll keep on accepting whatever crumbs of love he is prepared to offer, for as long as he's prepared to offer them. I expect you're afraid to draw a line in the sand because you know perfectly well that when push comes to shove, he's going to stay right where he is.

No wonder this has gone on for five years. You're probably so numbed out emotionally by this awful situation that the drama of an affair is the only thing that makes you feel alive.

Ginger1982 · 01/10/2021 20:34

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat

Sorry for the silence. I told him last night he had to decide and that I wouldn’t wait any longer, that I felt used and in “second place” and I need to move on. He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much. He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him. He has sworn he is moving out again imminently and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

For everyone asking why the sex is such a big deal for me- it’s because that really is the basis of an intimate relationship. Sharing a bed means you aren’t just “doing it for the children” it’s for you. And your marriage. So yes, it shouldn’t matter, but the reality is I understood and forgave living together for the children and for financial reasons but the thought of them sharing a bed horrified me given the promises that were made to me. And whilst I wrote this I know so many people will see me as the other woman, I wasn’t when we met and have never been able to let go of that.

I know some of the responses are judging me as an OW but I didn’t set out to become this person. I never would. I was single, as was he at that point in time and for the couple of years that followed. It’s just been recent covid years I’ve doubted everything

You're deluded, sorry.
Goingdriving · 01/10/2021 20:59

Yes. Sometimes on the same day. Gave me an awful case of thrush. Can’t believe I was ever in that stupid situation.

TheFormidableMrsC · 01/10/2021 21:08

@rosed1008

My husband and i started out as an affair. And i know for 100% that he wasnt having sex with his former wife when we were having our affair. In fact it was put as one of the divorce reasons that they were no longer intimate.

My husband was truly trapped in an unhappy marriage though... and i think that is a rare occurrence not the norm! And our affair was extremely short lived, he left her very quickly- we didnt let it go on.

I know a couple of people who have been the OW and for sure the men they were seeing were spinning a line or two! But every circumstance is unique just make sure you are protecting yourself physically and emotionally. Affairs are horrible on all parties.

Yeah my ex husband tried that "no longer intimate" shit on our divorce petition which he tried to get in to save OW's face. He got his timings terribly wrong though as he said for six long years we'd not had sex. He forgot our 2 year old. Even his solicitor thought he was a dick. Still his idiocy gave me enough time to petition on the grounds of their adultery.

Nobody knows 100% as you claim.

Goingdriving · 01/10/2021 21:20

I understand your pain. But his response sounds like another line. If he loves you surely he can understand the pain you must feel. Five years - he’d have to be crazy not to see thst. He doesn’t want to make a choice but for all your sakes he has to.
Maybe the situation suits him in some way - financially, emotionally?
The sex is irrelevant. They are intimate in other ways. They are a couple in the eyes of the world. You are a woman on the sidelines who waits for him. Do you meet his children? Do you go out with his friends and family?
My aunt and uncle lived in the same house separate lives and managed the children. But everyone knew about it. It was all above board. They divorced. There was no question of sleeping with each other. It was clear. This is not. This is an I happily married man but a married man staying with his wife nonetheless.
I think you need to leave. Tell him if he wants to come and get you when he’s disentangled he can. But you need to leave and rearrange your life around something or someone that actually gives back. At the moment your are holding onto nothing based on the memories of blissful long past days. Things have moved on now. He is a married man living with his wife and children and you are not his priority. If you were happy with the situation, then crack on. But you are not.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/10/2021 21:54

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat

Sorry for the silence. I told him last night he had to decide and that I wouldn’t wait any longer, that I felt used and in “second place” and I need to move on. He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much. He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him. He has sworn he is moving out again imminently and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

For everyone asking why the sex is such a big deal for me- it’s because that really is the basis of an intimate relationship. Sharing a bed means you aren’t just “doing it for the children” it’s for you. And your marriage. So yes, it shouldn’t matter, but the reality is I understood and forgave living together for the children and for financial reasons but the thought of them sharing a bed horrified me given the promises that were made to me. And whilst I wrote this I know so many people will see me as the other woman, I wasn’t when we met and have never been able to let go of that.

I know some of the responses are judging me as an OW but I didn’t set out to become this person. I never would. I was single, as was he at that point in time and for the couple of years that followed. It’s just been recent covid years I’ve doubted everything

Moving out imminently my arse
SleepingBunnies21 · 01/10/2021 22:18

Op if you don't already have children and would like to gave them, you've wasted a third of your (tyoical) child bearing/fertile years waiting on him already (I'm basing that on many women not having kids before 25, especially if they go to uni, up til 40 after which the minority (rather than the majority) of women find it easy to get pregnant; that's 15 yrs
That's not taking into account low reserve or other fertility factors). And if you've been married and divorced you're probably a good way into those years as well.

If you already have children or know you don't want them, it's obviously not a factor but if you don't, it's a v Important one. He's already got kids, he's passed on his genes; he can afford to be cavalier about time & fertility. He can also be more cavalier about it as a man. Women cannot.