Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

[Curiousityiskillingthiscat]

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

You gave been the OW since he moved back in with his wife (as far as she's concerned they're back together, right? Otherwise why would you have to be kept secret)?

There's no point pretending you're not.

You've built up a fantasy about this man, about being with him in future; you've been waiting for 5 years so far. You need to deconstruct that fantasy and let it go, I'm afraid.

I’ll look out for your thread in another five years time saying you’ve wasted even longer waiting for a married man.

He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him.

Why, why do you have to trust him?

What has he done to prove himself trustworthy?

When he kept seeing you and sleeping with you after he moved back into the family home (and hid your relationship) what timescale did he give you for leaving?

Was it 5 years and counting? Doubt it.

What is trustworthy about covering up the relationship to his wife, wider family, friends (?) Etc for 5 years ... all that lying, lyimg by omission, making excuses, covering his tracks etc. I'm absolutely amazed he's managed to do that for 5 yrs without his wife finding out, he's clearly very good at it.

What's trustworthy about him?

He has sworn he is moving out again imminently

When? What date?

Ask him for a date, a definite date and see if he sticks to it.

This guy wants to have his cake and eat it, just like he's been doing for 5 years so far.

OP, people can tell you their specific scenario but they can't tell you what happens 'in general' as none of us know fear goes on in other people's relationships. Fact is, some people having affairs will be having sex with their spouse. Some won't. Some will be staying for the children, some won't. It's irrelevant really as all that matters is what is happening in your situation for you. And it's not working for you. So move on

Anyway, to revisit a lijnt that's been raised numerous times here; what does it actually matter if he's not having sex and "only" cohabiting.... most people wouldn't be satisfied with a relationship where their partner was cohabiting with a former partner (which she's not really) for more than a very short, temporary amount of time. Add hiding the relationship on top of that ...

It's not a reasonable, fair, equal, sustainable, acceptable situation; totally regardless of whether he and his wife are intimate or not!!

It's still scraps for you.

You're just having an affair with a married man OP and he loves this! He's not going to leave her, they are having sex. Wake up and find your self respect.

My ex-h told OW we weren't having sex and hadn't done for six years. She was too lacking in grey matter to question where our 2 year old had materialised from. Thin air maybe? We were having sex right up until he buggered off.

I have a friend whose husband kept coming back for 2 years for sex while living with OW. My friend was so mentally battered she allowed this to continue because she thought he'd come back. In reality, he just liked fucking two women. Made him feel big and special didn't it .

Go and find yourself somebody single.

Sex does not equate to love or intimacy. We don't necessarily love those we sleep with or not love those that we don't. Believing it does can be protective because it stops you questioning the rest of your relationship in terms of trust, having the room to grow, commitment, them having a genuine interest in who you are, the ability to resolve conflicts and to support your emotional and physical needs. I have been in a very intimate relationship for 10 years, 5 of them sexless. I loved him the whole time and him me.

Your MM knows how much the waiting has hurt you. If he truly doesn't then he has serious problems with empathy and compassion. He might be choosing to not see your hurt but then again that's also unacceptable. It's your right to be seen, heard and listened to. You don't have to be kept in the shadows.

He will bring out more and more excuses. If he leaves his wife he will pull out all the ways in which it's your fault he can't be with his children. He clearly has a massive issue with taking responsibility for his actions. He has had many choices throughout the last 5 years and none of them seemed to consider your wants or needs.

Why do you believe you deserve so little?

Yes, they all lie

Just to add to this, one of my school friends Dads had a mistress for 23 years. He did eventually leave and marry her but by then she was in her late 50's and her dream of motherhood was lost. I literally cannot fathom why somebody would do this for such a large part of their life. You say you have to trust him, are you mad? What possible reason has he given you to trust him?

Can in point, what do you actually tell people if your relationship status or evennwgat you did at the weekend or for a break/holiday comes up (and who you spent ot with)?

Do you say you're single? Do you say you're inna relationship abd you don't live together
but omit all details about where and with whom he lives?

If your family abd friends know about him, what do they say about the situation? Ate they happy to see you spent Christmas alone (or without your partner at any family events) while you theoetically have a partner?

And somehow he hasn't realised that this would be dusattisfactory for you in any way, while spends every holiday etc with his wife and family - he's either spectacularly lacking in empathy and selfish or hes lying. He doesn't give much of a fk as long as he's alright, it seems like... no matter what he says. Words are cheap.

How does he spend his annual leave? Does he spend the night with you?

*Case in point

Imminently? I'd give him a fortnight.

OP ask yourself what sort of person would not realise that asking their "partner" to sit around indefinitely for YEARS wouldn't make them feel shit? Second best, ignored, sidelined, hidden from family and friends... that would make NO ONE feel good and if he's so selfish and consumed by his "family life" that he's ignored your needs for half of a decade is he really worth waiting for?

Where's your self worth? Why are you only worth this half a life being kept a dirty secret?

I understand you weren't the OW when you got together, but you very much are now.

He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much.

He's either thick or a liar. Spoiler alert - he's a liar and he thinks you are thick.

He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him.
If that's the case why can't he be openly in a relationship with you but live with her? Why can't she know? Because he's made you the OW, that's why. And though he did so sneakily at first, you now know full well you're a secret but have stuck around.

He has sworn he is moving out again imminently

What date did he give you then? What specific date did he give you, the woman he desperately wants to be with properly, for him moving out?

and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

He's told you outright how fucking arrogant he is. He didn't realise that him expecting a woman to wait FIVE YEARS for him would potentially mean he lost her?! He really thinks a lot of himself doesn't he

We will see.

You'll just keep waiting and waste even more years, if that conversation is wasn't enough for you to walk away.

He's lying to two women but at least you know he's lying to you. She has no idea.

Sorry but you need to grow up, bin him off, get yourself together, focus on your own mental health to stop this ever happening again and move on with your life.

Oh op. The only suggestion I can give is put a time limit on it. Say 3-6 months, you don’t even need to tell him, it’s just for you in your head.
That’s practical for you, it’s very hard to walk away from anyone, but eventually you have to realise they don’t mind too much if you’re not around in their lives. Which is hard to take. But sometimes we have to.
It will literally destroy you otherwise.

Say 3-6 months

I wouldn't give it anywhere near that.

If he moved in with op and she doesn't (initially anyway) expect him to contribute, there is absolutely no.change in his financial situation, he could sort it out relatively at his leisure.

He'll still hide his relationship with op on an ongoing basis though, she'll still not get to be his official, legitimate partner for ages, if ever.

@Limejuiceandrum

Oh op. The only suggestion I can give is put a time limit on it. Say 3-6 months, you don’t even need to tell him, it’s just for you in your head. That’s practical for you, it’s very hard to walk away from anyone, but eventually you have to realise they don’t mind too much if you’re not around in their lives. Which is hard to take. But sometimes we have to. It will literally destroy you otherwise.

3-6 months isnt 'imminently' it's an invitation for him to take the piss for ages longer!

I think op one of the problems you have is your refusal to accept you are not special.

I do not say that to be cruel, it is one of the reasons many married women cannot accept that their husbands have betrayed them. Everybody wants to feel as though they are special, otherwise what's the point of living.

Accepting that anyone can be decieved is ok when it's someone else but not yourself.
Hell even Beyonce thought she was special and look what Jay Z did, humiliating her in front of the world.

What I am saying is it doesn't matter how special you are if you trust the wrong person. This man is bad, bordering on evil I would say by his treatment towards his wife, he made her ill and you are complicit in that.

He knows full well you will not tell his wife, he has told you how fragile her mental health is and you would be terrified of being blamed if God forbid she decided to harm herself or anyone else.
No the responsibility is all on you to keep quite, keep waiting and convincing yourself this all happened by accident.

It wasn't, it was pre planned by him, once you were on board, he NEVER intended to leave his wife and you have fallen for an con man.

He is now making you ill, you don't feel special anymore and your confidence must be on the floor.
It's a disgrace what he is doing, you must stop trusting him.

@Curiousityiskillingthiscat

Sorry for the silence. I told him last night he had to decide and that I wouldn’t wait any longer, that I felt used and in “second place” and I need to move on. He didn’t realise me waiting like this was hurting me so much. He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him. He has sworn he is moving out again imminently and if had known that me waiting for him would risk losing us he wouldn’t have asked me to wait so long. We will see.

For everyone asking why the sex is such a big deal for me- it’s because that really is the basis of an intimate relationship. Sharing a bed means you aren’t just “doing it for the children” it’s for you. And your marriage. So yes, it shouldn’t matter, but the reality is I understood and forgave living together for the children and for financial reasons but the thought of them sharing a bed horrified me given the promises that were made to me. And whilst I wrote this I know so many people will see me as the other woman, I wasn’t when we met and have never been able to let go of that.

I know some of the responses are judging me as an OW but I didn’t set out to become this person. I never would. I was single, as was he at that point in time and for the couple of years that followed. It’s just been recent covid years I’ve doubted everything

How did he not realise that waiting like that was hurting you so much? That's a BLATANT LIE. He just played dumb but of course he realised.

3-6 months? No chance. Give him two weeks OP. From today. Then walk away with you head held high.

And a prediction I'm afraid OP. If he does agree to a date he will leave by / on... he will suddenly come up with a reason at the last minute that means he 'can't' leave. That reason will be one that paints him as a good guy, e.g. his wife has threatened to harm herself and he's just such a good guy he can't possibly leave until she's better, but he will eventually (he won't) or there's been an emergency with one of his kids and he's just such a good guy he can't possibly leave until it's sorted (he won't) etc etc

100% still have sex. It's the oldest tale in the book!

“He told me this morning again that they are merely co-habiting and I have to trust him.”

Wow that is some cognitive dissonance right there! You realise that IF they were merely co-habiting” your relationship would be an open book right? His friends and family would know. But that’s not your truth.

“I know some of the responses are judging me as an OW but I didn’t set out to become this person. I never would. I was single, as was he at that point in time and for the couple of years that followed. It’s just been recent covid years I’ve doubted everything”

You are in a privileged position OP. You are not at his mercy, you are choosing to stay with him knowing the truth. Knowing he’s cheating on his wife and children. It shocks me that so many are falling for your ‘victim’ stance. His wife is being lied to every day of her life, she is making plans based on her ‘truth’ every moment of every day and we all know that is lie. When she finds out the truth the lens in which she views the world will be shattered and it will take her years to get over the pain she will feel. Your heartbreak if you split is NOTHING in comparison to the pain of betrayal and the devastation of holding your broken hearted children. You show absolutely no concern for her and those children. None whatsoever.

Tbh I actually hope he does leave her, I hope you do ‘win’ this absolute prize of a man and that she moves onto a better future away from you both.