Affair question - does a MM still have sex with his wife?

[Curiousityiskillingthiscat]

If your DH had an affair, were you still having sex before you found out? Basically, do they all lie to the OW about being in a sexless marriage to justify what they’re doing / to make the OW think it’s ok? Or are a lot of men who have affairs really in sexless marriages?

@Tiredofbs123

The two narratives at play in this thread are quite clear:

Narcissist, controlling, manipulative man who is playing the poor wife and victim other woman. They both ‘deserve’ better blah blah blah.

Or
Manipulative, controlling, bullying WIFE who has used the kids against him and he’s too weak to leave for his twu luv/soulmate/the one, so they part ways star crossed lovers.

It’s so tiring pointing out that we ALL have free will and OP is choosing her path. She is forcing herself into another woman’s family. Discussing another woman’s children with this cheating man, and now we’re helping her make decisions about another women’s children and their future (wait till after Christmas ffs). She is, in fact an active and willing participant in this man’s abuse of his wife, putting her at risk mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually.

There is only one party who has had the privilege of personal agency ripped from them, and that is the betrayed. Stop trying to pretend these two women are on an equal footing. They. are. not.

I read this thread with absolute shock. I’m not sure half the posters on here, would be putting on their soothing voices and stroking OP metaphorical hair IF this were their husband or their children who had been deceived for five bloody years!

She is forcing herself into another woman’s family

You have forgotten the bit where he is inviting her into his marriage . This however is not the point of the thread . @Curiousityiskillingthiscat for goodness sake wake up to all of this . You have wasted FIVE YEARS of your life to this .I know every OW thinks it is different for them but for most of them it isn't and for those that it is , it tends to happen very quickly .

Do not insist in being blind OP.
He may have seemed to be nicer than other blokes you dated before him. That is how he got you where you are. In the shadowy waiting room, for 5 years!
Open the damn door and walk out, and do not look back.
Listen you are in the left room, his wife in the right side room. He is with his children in the sunny hall. He still manages to look quite the hero in all this, because he does this for his children. Meanwhile, he is making his wife misarable, and you miserable.

At no point did I OR has anyone said this man is not responsible and an absolutely awful human being. This is the go to argument to try and negate any culpability of other women. My comments are in response to some of the comments on here by other posters AND her own comment about not wanting to be the other woman. As such I think they’re totally justified. They’re not irrelevant, just because they’re the moral no mans land that no one wants to go to.

The wife and children are a huge part of this thread, whether anyone likes to think that or not.

Does he pick up your calls when he's at home with his wife and kids? Could you drop something over to him unannounced? Do you still get to spend time with him and his wider family?

If no to the above, you are a complicit bit on the side.

Will you stick to your ultimatum? It sounded in your last post as though he has topped you up with some more bullshit and you are good to carry on business as usual.

From what you say hasn’t he been swearing things will change for years? And now he is saying he didn’t realise how much this is hurting you? Christ on a bike he’s pulling the same old shit he’s been pulling for what sounds like almost the entirety of your interaction.

I don’t really know how you can accept that and wait and see - you’ve been telling him he has to choose for so long. Maybe you prefer this half life to the possibility of change. Or perhaps you’re a walking embodiment of the sunk cost fallacy on steroids.

I hope you get what you want from this guy but I rather suspect you’ll be in the same position in another five years. But it’s your life so ultimately up to you.

Unfortunately I think this will be her lot for the rest of her life.

Op said she is 47 years old and believes he's 'the one'.

She hasn't answered questions about his age, his children's ages or any of the dynamics of how they continue to act as a couple.

I'm guessing he's older with grown up children and I'm guessing she's going to be waiting in the wings hoping the wife dies before he does.

Speculation, as the only info op has given was about previous abuse within her last marriage (he was easier to leave as she had fallen out of love with him)
Well this man is abusing you and you don't seem to have fallen out of love with him.

She's not going to listen.
Very depressing and for all the talk of who is right or wrong and who should accept blame there is a poor woman who is being lied to on a daily basis, every hour, every second year in year out.

Christ I would not do that to my worst enemy.

I know of someone in a similar situation to you. Affair with a married man who won't leave his wife as she has "mental health issues ", wants the children to be older blah blah. Well it's been at least 8 or possibly 10 years now. Children are grown up. He has also cheated on her too and she took him back. Has spent every Christmas without him, never taken him to a social event her family don't know he exists . Her takes her out to a pub now and then and that's it. Have never been away together etc .

If he wanted to be with you he would leave truly he would.
You will.end up.like the woman I have described above. Is that the life you want?.

Guaranteed he is playing happy families at home. It's not just about sex with his wife,it's intimacy, eating together, being parents watching TV together.... what are you doing when he is at home? Does that not eat you up? He is a liar and I am afraid you are a fool. The only way he will end up with you is if the wife kicks him out and he has no where to go.
Sorry to be harsh but you need a reality check.

@doitwithlove

YES YES YES YES

They MM do have sex with there wives, a fool who is also having sex with them is just feeding there ego.

Considering how many people on MN profess to never having sex in their marriage anymore, I think your assertion is shaky. They may be having sex. They may not be having sex. None of us have a clue. What I do wonder though OP is whether he will never leave his wife for the simple reason that most men even in sexless marriages don't leave. Now he is getting sex with you, he really can convince himself that he's got all he wants. Stability and family life at home and sex and fun with you. Wouldn't do it for me.

He's told you what he is willing to share with you...

His willie and a few sound bites that keep you hooked.

You're a port in a storm, that is all, plenty of ports

I think your problem OP - is trying to deduce the particular circumstances of your OM from things in general. No one can tell you for sure. But if general rules apply then a few things to consider..

• men in genuinely sexless marriages tend to wish they weren't sexless. The fact that they are makes them lose self esteem, confidence and joy. So they enter an affair tentatively, with huge amounts of guilt and resentment over their marriage. They aren't the 'players' - the confident ones.

• If the man is wanting the marriage sexless - it's either because he has very low libido (and unlikely to be engaging in affairs) or he is no longer attracted to his DW but still wants sex - and then more likely to seek out variety of partners with a stable home life to return to.
• most marriages involve sex (even 'sexless' marriages. So it's very unlikely that a marriage stays sexless for very long - and very unlikely that no sex ever takes place in the marriage (other than scenarios above). But how much could be once a week, once a month or a few times a year.

I don't know if my take helps? But rest assured that (in my view - obvs) people in a sexless marriage don't fight to stay if they have somewhere else to go.

Just read a bit more of thread - OP - are you bothered that he's been lying to you or jealous? It seems a bit of both of course- but suppose he admitted he was still having sex with his wife occasionally- what actual difference does that make? Sp suppose he agreed to stop for you? What kind of person would that make you? That would be horrible- not only to carry on this deception but to control him and deny his wife?
You have my sympathy but I think you are being a mug - and what's holding you there is you are sexually possessive - and kidding yourself that if he isn't having sex then it's OK he's still married? It isn't! He's having an affair! With you!
Youu really can't afford to be possessive if you are having an affair with a married man can you? Not unless there is already motion to leave said marriage and be exclusive - and there isn't.

Hi OP
Here’s my opinion, if he really wanted to be with you, he would be. His children will always be his children, so when exactly would be the right time to leave the marital home? As for not being able to leave for financial reasons, a court can decide what’s fair, it does not automatically mean he will be far worse off financially.
I don’t see you as the OW, I see you as someone who fell in love with a man who, probably intended to move on from his marriage when you met, but got pulled back in again.
Please think long and hard about YOUR future and what you want it to look like.

You only have to look at the many 'sex isn't a big deal id be happy to never have it again' threads on here to see it's perfectly plausible

There's a thread on here about an 'open' marriage gone wrong that involved a sexless marriage, but the DH is clearly quite devoted to the OW.
It happens but it hasn't happened for you.

Op doesn't seem.to be coming back, but if she does; Op, please ignore my posts about fertility/kids ... i hadn't rtft and seen your age. Not sure if you have kids from your marriage, but if you do and they're old enough to ask for an opinion, what do they think of the situation?

So, I was having an affair, we were both married and neither of us were having sex with our spouses. I know because of the amount of pain it was causing him and it was the reason he'd chosen to cheat, I wasn't the first. In the end I left my marriage, and eventually we split with him working in making his marriage tolerable to stay in for the children. He's happy, and I think they may be having some sex, although not what he'd like. I'm single and we are back in very regular contact and some flirting.. But I think we value our friendship over screwing it up with sex again.
I was waiting last year for him to leave, but I knew really he wouldn't. And now I can't imagine waiting him full time to myself, but I missed him horribly when we weren't talking.

Don't wait for him, if he says, with her say you'll start dating, and see what happens

@WanderingLost167

So, I was having an affair, we were both married and neither of us were having sex with our spouses. I know because of the amount of pain it was causing him and it was the reason he'd chosen to cheat, I wasn't the first. In the end I left my marriage, and eventually we split with him working in making his marriage tolerable to stay in for the children. He's happy, and I think they may be having some sex, although not what he'd like. I'm single and we are back in very regular contact and some flirting.. But I think we value our friendship over screwing it up with sex again. I was waiting last year for him to leave, but I knew really he wouldn't. And now I can't imagine waiting him full time to myself, but I missed him horribly when we weren't talking.

Don't wait for him, if he says, with her say you'll start dating, and see what happens

You say your affair partner has worked to rebuild his marriage. But you previously slept with him and are now back in contact and flirting.

Have some self respect and start showing some respect for his marriage, his wife and his children. You cannot be friends in this situation. You are behaving unpleasantly, but even you are worth more than the scraps off this loser’s table.

You only have to look at the many 'sex isn't a big deal id be happy to never have it again' threads on here to see it's perfectly plausible

This is true. However also possible it's the magic SCRIPT. I am a cynical old cow though especially given my recent (ish) experience. So I imagine the actual answer is depends which married man.

I went 6 years with my ex DH without having sex. So yes it does happen. And, as it turned out, it was absolutwly nothing to do with my libido, as that shot back up after we seperated. We were just incompatable. He was and is a nice man

Mine didn't when he had affair.
I was put on a sex ban due to pregnancy related issues, he then began an affair with a married woman at work pretty much a month to the day I was put on ban.
She was told we spilt up but he knew she was still married apprantly unhappily but after 4 months of meeting almost weekly they both ended it.

I'm living with my ex (it's complicated but it works for now). We haven't had sex for well over 5 years. Will never happen again. I don't know if he's got someone, I suspect not. Don't really mind if he does. Neither of us bring anyone home, ever. Our dc are here.

I was just pregnant when my ex walked out. Not planned,of course. Not really sure how it happened! Would have loved to have been a flat on the wall when he told her,

Depressed by wasting all these post-divorce years waiting despite still believing he is the one.

Oh come on now Curiosity. He is playing you like a fiddle.
If he wanted to leave his wife he'd move out, divorce her, & behave like a decent human being.

He doesn't, so he isn't.
Why would he? He's got his nice family set up at hime, & you on the side, calling him "the one".

"The one" is not the guy who is married to, living with, & sharing children with his current wife.

Stop thinking about the wasted 5 years & start looking at the next 5, 10, 30 years ... do you still want to be the bit on the side?

Also - forget about whether he has sex with his wife.
It's not really the issue. The issue is you, throwing your life away on an unavailable man who has spent 5 years getting you to do the Pick-Me Dance for him ...

I don’t really want to give him an ultimatum , he shouldn’t be leaving because I’m forcing him to.

A decision to split is usually unilateral, & you don;t need his permission.

I'm so sorry OP - you last update is just jam-packed full of "The Script" all married men use. He is still bullshitting you & Future Faking.