Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

Haha - yes that makes sense!
We are meeting for dinner & as I am a single parent the sheer logistical effort involved means I will be having at least a couple of drinks and a nice meal - we are also relatively rural -thankyou for the different perspective!

@MarrymeTomHardy

Don’t beat yourself up too much about it, it’s all a learning journey and we’ve all had situations where we’ve fallen for total twats (or been total twats ourselves )

I think with the apps it’s easy to get emotionally caught up with good photos and good chat and “who someone is on paper or on their LinkedIn or social media”

but until I’m regularly communicating with and dating someone in person it’s not real at all.

Also don’t feel you have to go for someone you’re not attracted to and doesn’t bring anything to your life - there’s no obligation to settle for someone for the sake of it?

I think there is a lot of patience needed on online dating

the good guys get snapped up very quickly and often it feels you’re either chatting with arrogant entitled sex-mad players OR guys who are nice but you’re not that into.

But some threadies have met really decent guys so it just takes time

@SortingItOut I have supervision yes, but not really peer support. It's all just been a bit much recently with Mr runner and now Mr Scot. Feeling raw about it all. I do genuinely believe Mr Scot is a good man and I hope we will reconnect in the future. In the meantime I need to reflect on my fear of being alone. Although as my friend said, it can be when the rest of your life is good that the gaps show most. The gap being a special person to share it all with. One thing I've learnt - as soon as a guy says casual only, stop chatting!

Thanks everyone. I am loving the support on here. I have a coffee date on Thursday evening with a lovely guy so hope that goes well. Absolutely bricking it!
What does one do at the end if there's no spark please. Do you tell them thanks a lot but I don't think this is for me or something along those lines. Or is it a courteous text after?
You can tell I am clueless at this.

@Misty9 aww i feel your pain. You sound very similar to me. I keep trying myself i have a full enjoyable life but then i realise i still want a connection ... its disappointing when people don't meet up to your expectations isn't it?? Have a bar of chocolate or a glass of wine

It is tough @Misty9 - I think it's a good decision to step back a bit.

Maybe this isn't your social style but I'd retreat myself as well - don't run your emotional life according to his schedule?

I definitely agree the longing for a man increases when I'm lonely or feeling unsupported myself! Craving a cuddle here.

have to remember to try to "support myself holistically" as well through all the boring stuff like exercise and meditation!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

Is it worth delaying contact for a few days, if it's casual I expect there's no rush/need to connect/check in straight away?[/quote]
Yeah maybe. But I'm not one for carrying around thoughts and feelings anyMore without sharing them ... so long as it's all done in a polite and respectful way that is.
I can certainly wait 24 hours

@Nahnahnah

Thanks everyone. I am loving the support on here. I have a coffee date on Thursday evening with a lovely guy so hope that goes well. Absolutely bricking it! What does one do at the end if there's no spark please. Do you tell them thanks a lot but I don't think this is for me or something along those lines. Or is it a courteous text after? You can tell I am clueless at this.

I prefer to send a polite text afterwards

And I also prefer to have a set end time for the first meet which is usually a white lie that I can then ignore if I choose to

@Nahhannah How would you like to be treated in that case ? I think a text afterwards with a further proposal (or not, as the case may be) is fine. Usually if I would like to meet someone again, I say so but also say that of course they should take some time to think about it and let me know what they think. Sometimes I might want some time away to think about it too, so I'll say let me get in touch with you about meeting up again.

Oh god. I have caught feelings for MrActor.

It will pass. I don't want a relationship. Just sit tight Bella and it will all go away ...

Sorry you're not feeling too good right now @JustAnother0ldMan Hope you have someone irl you can lean on, but please carry on posting here too. I've found it to be a great source of support during my dating journey.

@Misty9 also sending you some love. I actually think it's a positive thing that Mr Scot has stepped back. In the kindest sense, he seems all over the place emotionally and not in the right place for getting back out there. But hard for you. Sorry 😔

I'm so glad I found this thread; I was going to ask what Nahnahna did..
Also, is it Ok for me to offer to pay half? I havent had a date in 17years!

@BelladiMamma

Oh god. I have caught feelings for MrActor.

It will pass. I don't want a relationship. Just sit tight Bella and it will all go away ...

@BelladiMamma wow, sounds like you had a very nice time with Mr Actor... I blame it on the oxytocin 😆 It certainly is addictive!

@MarrymeTomHardy I think it's fair to split the bill. Depends what you're doing. I don't mind standing for a couple of drinks/coffees if I'm the one that's done the asking out.

Have to say though if I'm doing a series of dates I will be keeping an eye on whether someone is sharing the expenses. That might seem miserly (and I am anything but). However I've had experiences of being with someone who was just insecure about money and it became obvious that when it came to paying for stuff there was always a step back.

@MarrymeTomHardy

I'm so glad I found this thread; I was going to ask what Nahnahna did.. Also, is it Ok for me to offer to pay half? I havent had a date in 17years!

I agree with @HairyArsedMan ... certainly offer and / or take it in turns. There is no hard and fast rules but financial solidity and transparency is always a must in any type of relationship.

I was 'brought up' to believe that women were the 'gold diggers' but it's just as prevalent in men...! Keep an eye out for it!

@MarrymeTomHardy we will muddle through it together! Date is Thursday evening, this will be my first date since my ex. it's been 26 years! (23years together and 3 years single by choice - we met at school).

@HairyArsedMan
Thanks, this is my concern.
There is quite a divide between our earnings (with mine being higher) & Im happy to pay my way but dont want to be taken advantage of longer term.
He asked me out for dinner, and he has chosen a mid-range restaurant where I imagine the bill will easily be £100+ for main course and a couple of drinks..

[quote MarrymeTomHardy]@HairyArsedMan
Thanks, this is my concern.
There is quite a divide between our earnings (with mine being higher) & Im happy to pay my way but dont want to be taken advantage of longer term.
He asked me out for dinner, and he has chosen a mid-range restaurant where I imagine the bill will easily be £100+ for main course and a couple of drinks..[/quote]
That's ridiculous!

This is a first date with a man you've never met? Nah, just go for a £15 curry/burger/pizza etc. There's no need to be spending that sort of money.

If someone chose somewhere that expensive I think I'd be expecting them to pay. I always pay my share but I'd feel a bit annoyed if it cost that much. You might not even like him and might spend the whole time wishing it would end.

What @VanGoghsDog said. That's a lot of pressure for a first meet

I agree with @VanGoghsDog - that’s like “occasion night out for long term couple” prices

Did he suggest the place?

Can you say “sorry you’re really really looking forward to meeting, but your schedule is a bit rushed for a sit-down dinner that night”

And meet in a nice bar (that serves bar food) instead?

So it’s easier to spilt the bill and do rounds and have a bit to eat if you get on well.

If he’s genuine he’ll be 100% fine with that. Maybe he did just want to splurge on you, but meet him first.

@MarrymeTomHardy echoing what others have said, choose something cheaper which you feel more comfortable with. I used to work with a good looking bloke who had lots of 1st dates where he picked lobster etc!

He asked what I like & I suggested 2 cuisines with a wide price range available.
He chose the restaurant.
I'm figuring we will have a drink first & then I have an escape point?

@Misty9 Sorry to hear you don't get peer support in your job, it must be incredibly tough some days.

What makes you continue with these men who only want casual when you want more?
Is it that you think you can change them?
Or is it that you're emotionally unavailable and so actually men who want casual suit you as you won't need to commit.

I hope you can get your head sorted with this whole relationship thing, it must be so draining for you.

@MarrymeTomHardy I think date 0/meet for coffee/walk are ideal for a first meet as you are then not over committed and don't have to spend too much time with someone you have nothing in common with.

I don't think they're just for those in London or childless, I think they're ideal for everyone.

If date 0 goes well then date 1 can be longer.

I'd love to know what cuisine you're eating to get 2 main courses and a few drinks for £100+

Aaargh I'm quietly building a log cabin for me and MrActor to go live in and finish writing our various creative projects and where we live off the land with only each other and the wilderness for company and then we travel the world and decide to live in New Mexico and then somehow in a miraculous feat of Benjamin Button-ness we grow younger by the day and live happily ever after.

Oh god I've got it baaaad 🤣