Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

Also waiting for Feeld update from @BelladiMamma...

@Heartbeats0708
Sorry, Yes, you are right of course, things have been a bit shit IRL recently, with work and dates and mental health, ( I’m been alone and unhappy for a while, string of crappy relationships ) so was in bit of crappy mood yesterday and feeling a bit suicidal, I think I need to step away from here for a while
Sorry 😢

@JustAnother0ldMan please try and talk to someone even if not here. We all go through peaks and troughs, be it online dating or other aspects of life. Best of luck

[quote JustAnother0ldMan]@Heartbeats0708
Sorry, Yes, you are right of course, things have been a bit shit IRL recently, with work and dates and mental health, ( I’m been alone and unhappy for a while, string of crappy relationships ) so was in bit of crappy mood yesterday and feeling a bit suicidal, I think I need to step away from here for a while
Sorry 😢[/quote]
Aww @JustAnother0ldMan hope you feel better soon. And please don't step away if you find the thread helpful. FWIW I didn't take your comment that way - I took it to be sort of shorthand for "3 hours is a long way to travel for a date (full stop) - and that would be fine if you met the love of your life / perfect match, but if they only gave you a peck on the cheek then maybe they didn't see it as a good match"...?
Having said that, I met a really great guy for a date zero recentlyish and yet we only had a peck on the cheek (and it did evolve further on later dates, and I still think he's a great guy) - and I totally agree with @Heartbeats0708 that there shouldn't be any specific expectations/pressure re how quickly things should go on date zero/1 etc. As Heart says, it should be at your own pace and on your own terms.
Anyway, hope things feel better for you soon. And I hope you're talking with people IRL too...? Sending virtual hugs 🤗

@JustAnother0ldMan I'm sorry your mental health is not very good at the moment.

What is your life like aside from online dating?
Online dating and its foibles are not great for anyone and if your mental health is low then its even worse.

I hope you have good friends you can talk to.
Have you ever had counselling?
It sounds like you need some extra help to bring your mental health up🤗

@Nahnahnah

Thank you! I have unknowingly turned into a bumbling Bridget Jones. He blasted me for it and his comments really got to me. I've had a sleepless night thinking that someone thought I had no integrity and was rude. He was a copper BTW. Guess I have a lot to learn!

Copper......explains it!

Block him. His bullying will only escalate.

Well I’m still at MrActor’s place. We’ve had a very lovely night, I’d be up for staying to have a repeat performance- ahem - but like most actors he’s completely hyperactive and I can see he needs to get to the gym, prep some of his work for press night this week etc etc.

So it has been lovely and just what I need but that will probably be that. Great guy & just my type but keeping expectations at zero.

Good to know I can have sex again after my accident too 🤣

@BelladiMamma Yay🥳
Let's hope a repeat performance is on the cards soon😊

@JustAnother0ldMan i echo @Eesha do make sure you've people to chat to IRL. When you're in a low place it's hard to see a way out. And we have all been here. Any chance you can get some social activities on the go with friends, sounds like you need a bit of a distraction from OLD as this really does your self-esteem and MH no good at all. Perhaps a break from the apps may be needed but definitely don't leave the thread because it's a great place for support! I can definitely say i've been in some pretty crappy relationships too and coming on here has helped me see that although i'm not entirely innocent in all of them, the issues were mainly that the other person wasn't ready/emotionally available and that they hadn't dealt with their emotional baggage properly. It's a bit of a generalisation but i really wouldn't be too hard on yourself.
@BelladiMamma nice update! Happy to hear you seem to be all recovered from your accident and can pull off some 'moves' again! I'm definitely looking forward to a night like that someday soon!

@JustAnother0ldMan I echo everyone else, I do hope you have someone to talk to in real life. Don't go thinking you're too much trouble because your friends don't care about that. I know from experience that you may think you're being a pain but you're not to your friends.

Hi, I've heard from JustAnother0ldMan and he wanted me to let you all know that he's okay and he'll be back in a few days.

As for me, I'm a bit of a mess emotionally. Mr Scot went quiet for a bit but has now said he needs space to sort himself out. Which I knew but wasn't strong enough to enforce :( he hasn't closed the door and we're going to speak in a few days, but it's made me reflect on how alone I feel sometimes. I have an objectively great life, and great friends who love me. But I am terrified of being ignored and, despite lots of therapy, this is still very easily triggered it seems. It doesn't help that my job is very emotionally heavy... So I'm feeling a bit spent right now.

@JustAnother0ldMan so sorry to read that you're feeling bad.

Please be kind to yourself and let someone know how you're feeling.

@Misty9

Hi, I've heard from JustAnother0ldMan and he wanted me to let you all know that he's okay and he'll be back in a few days.

That's good ❤️

@Misty9 I think like Computer Geek, Mr Scot's emotions will be all over the place. I think men tend to not deal with their emotions the same way women do, they don't tend to take time out to work out what they want or deal with things. It's hard when they drag you into it and it's unfair as they don't consider how it affects you. Computer Geek hurt me so much by dragging me into his shit, then meeting, getting what he wanted and disappearing with a I'll be back when I'm sorted out.

My ex is the same, he never takes time to heal and jumps from one disaster to another.

It's shit and unfair but it's them not you so be kind to yourself.

@Misty9

As for me, I'm a bit of a mess emotionally. Mr Scot went quiet for a bit but has now said he needs space to sort himself out. Which I knew but wasn't strong enough to enforce :( he hasn't closed the door and we're going to speak in a few days, but it's made me reflect on how alone I feel sometimes. I have an objectively great life, and great friends who love me. But I am terrified of being ignored and, despite lots of therapy, this is still very easily triggered it seems. It doesn't help that my job is very emotionally heavy... So I'm feeling a bit spent right now.

Sorry to read this.

It's so hard to navigate single life and attempting to be with anyone whilst adulting.

Love to you and look after yourself ❤️

@Misty9 Do you have peer support at work so you can off load all the emotional stuff your clients offload to you?

I'm sorry that Mr Scot has triggered deep emotions, it's good he has been honest about his need for space although of course that doesn't help your feelings.

I'm mentally going through all the options with MrActor and thinking how I want to take things forward.

Last night the vibe was very keen, this morning I definitely felt him clock watching.

I might just leave him a voice note later & tell him I'm happy to meet up again but no offence if he isn't. Because when it comes to it that's basically how I feel. Even with a FWB arrangement I'm absolutely not going to push things to make them happen

@BelladiMamma

Is it worth delaying contact for a few days, if it's casual I expect there's no rush/need to connect/check in straight away?

👋 Hi, i'd like to join in, but first need to know- what is Date 0 please?

@MarrymeTomHardy

It's an online dating term referring to the fact that the first meet shouldn't really be a "first date" as you haven't met face to face (you don't want to be stuck with dinner with someone you have nothing in common with)

so more of a drink or a coffee just to get an idea of the other person IRL, and if it's worth moving forward?

So date zero before the first date.

(it's not a "hard and fast" rule by the way, of course a lot of first meets extend out naturally if you get on).

Thanks SpringlikeBunk
Being new to this it seems I have probably broken most unofficial rules already
First up, Sailor boy - 6 wks of daily contact, all online followed with being Ghosted (probably went home to his wife/gf I have decided).
2nd up - BoyRacer- significantly younger, very keen, hooked-up having talked through seeing where it goes etc...Suddenly he has shit going on that he needs to focus on; so thanks for the experience from me...
3rd Up - Mr Normal - seperated parent of 3 kids, steady if low-paid job; chatted for a wk online, & he is now taking me out...Unfortunately this is a Date 1 and not a Date 0 ...
He seems lovely, but I have a thing for badboys (see #1 & #2), so I am worried I may not find him exciting enough?
I know what I actually need is a nice stable, steady man...
Also i'm fat & I think my profile pics are flattering (although not filtered or anything)
Any advice from you more experienced people?

You didn't have to go all in for a big "taking me out" type date with MrNormal, you can suggest you just meet for coffee first to see how you get on. That's pretty common.

Beware fuckbois and wannabe cocklodgers. ..I spy both potentially in your list, sorry!

I hear you on the "bad boys" though :(

Thanks
#1 Definitely a fuckboi & I knew it!
#2 was cleverer, but I had my eyes open wider
#3 Cocklodging is my concern - having booted out ex cock-lodger after 15yrs in January (& prob 5yrs to late) I deffo want to avoid a repeat
Have also blocked at least 15 other fuckbois in the last 2 weeks (fresh meat influx)

@MarrymeTomHardy

Think Date 0 might be more of a thing for the childless in London who have got potential to go on loads on dates. Perhaps not so relevant for those of who live in the sticks and/or have kids.

I can see the advantages but other side of a coin is that if you meet for coffee or walk in the park and there is no spark then it is an hour of your life you will never get back. Whereas if you go to restaurant or pub then there is at least consolation prize of a nice meal or getting slightly drunk.