Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

@Misty9

I know what you mean - the general flaky vibe is horrific

and that feeling that any "ok looking guy" online tends to get really arrogant and entitled and you have to be a "cool girl" who is Ok with any behaviour to stand any chance

(Like the flaky guy I had today did ask about parking...wonder if he was fishing for me to say he could park/crash at mine?)

I'm feeling a bit disheartened today.

But also (my fault) the guys who have been weird/pushy, I've let them have WhatsApp rather than the burner phone and text only?

So I need to stick to my own boundary here.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Misty9

I know what you mean - the general flaky vibe is horrific

and that feeling that any "ok looking guy" online tends to get really arrogant and entitled and you have to be a "cool girl" who is Ok with any behaviour to stand any chance

(Like the flaky guy I had today did ask about parking...wonder if he was fishing for me to say he could park/crash at mine?)

I'm feeling a bit disheartened today.

But also (my fault) the guys who have been weird/pushy, I've let them have WhatsApp rather than the burner phone and text only?

So I need to stick to my own boundary here.[/quote]
I'm not bothered about giving people my WA, if I get anxious about hearing from them I mute them so I only see them when I decide to look anyway (MrWG currently muted, so that every ping doesn't set me on edge thinking it might be him).

And if they get annoying I just block and delete. I don't usually bother blocking on the phone but I would if they then tried to call or text. Or if they had been particularly annoying or unpleasant.

Not sure what the deal is with fuel and MrWG @VanGoghsDog, I’ve been filling up all over the Midlands. He might just feel a bit shit and sorry for himself being ill, easy enough for that to bring out hermit mode in the emotionally unavailable personality type.

@VanGoghsDog

Did you ever clarify the dating/not-dating thing with MrWG?

Maybe he felt if he'd been honest about not wanting to have a relationship/encouraging you to date others then he felt that he'd been clear enough?

The "FWB" set-up adds another level of complication!

@HairyArsedMan

Not sure what the deal is with fuel and MrWG *@VanGoghsDog*, I’ve been filling up all over the Midlands. He might just feel a bit shit and sorry for himself being ill, easy enough for that to bring out hermit mode in the emotionally unavailable personality type.

It has been pretty rubbish round here, though fine this week. The fuel one last week, when it was all at its worst I got completely as he had to go to Scotland. This week - nah. And "running on fumes" doesn't make any sense because his home is not a petrol station so as soon as he goes anywhere he'd have to fill up. I get it with the cold (and I don't want to snog someone with a cold anyway), suspect I gave it to him and I was really wiped out for a couple of days, and I haven't had the long drives he's been doing. But he was pretty dismissive of my sympathetic texts last week ("I expect I'll survive my cold" and lo, not a week later he is apparently laid out by it).

He won't be being a hermit, I would lay money that he's done other things, seen other people, been to his parents etc. On Tue last week, with no fuel and a cold, he went to a pub quiz night. For example.

I don't expect to be a priority in this "friends" thing but I won't be disrespected. And he doesn't seem like much of a friend to me.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@VanGoghsDog

Did you ever clarify the dating/not-dating thing with MrWG?

Maybe he felt if he'd been honest about not wanting to have a relationship/encouraging you to date others then he felt that he'd been clear enough?

The "FWB" set-up adds another level of complication![/quote]
We're not dating, no.

I think the two things were "submissive friend to come round and cook you dinner......(etc)......sometimes, just say" and "I know I'm not good boyfriend material because I have a hectic life, that's why I prefer the friends option" (note: this was not an "option" I gave him, and I did not agree to it. All this is by text though).

But later it was all "I can see you as much as you want, just say, just tell me if you want me to come over, once, twice a week.....".

I suspect I'm not "dominant" enough for him. But it feels a bit pointless to demand that he comes round and sweeps the leaves on my drive (plenty of other chores are available) when he'll say "I'm busy", or only has half an hour.

The things that I have asked that he do, he's never been that keen on! He's keen on the idea of it but it doesn't feel like he's very keen on the reality.

@VanGoghsDog

It does sound a little bit psychologically complicated, no wonder you're detaching a bit!

Like does he actually want to see you or are you fulfilling some fetish for him?

Isn't "submissive" meant to actually be the person in control of the situation, so the "submissive role" is more play-acting and the other party has to behave in a certain way to make the submissive party feel good?

I have male friends who are very nice and service-orientated and helpful but I don't think they bring the "submissive" element in!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@VanGoghsDog

It does sound a little bit psychologically complicated, no wonder you're detaching a bit!

Like does he actually want to see you or are you fulfilling some fetish for him?

Isn't "submissive" meant to actually be the person in control of the situation, so the "submissive role" is more play-acting and the other party has to behave in a certain way to make the submissive party feel good?

I have male friends who are very nice and service-orientated and helpful but I don't think they bring the "submissive" element in![/quote]
I'm definitely detaching. It's my own emotional unavailability coming into play a bit there too.

I've been reading a lot about submission and I'm not sure he's quite got the hang of it. I suspect he's just a guy who likes a strong woman (fine, and I am) and likes to be a bottom in bed (also OK, I'm pretty clear about what I do and do not want, and I hate being told what to do) but for some reason has decided this is submissive because he also likes a bit of dominatrix play acting (which I'm also OK with).

There are a couple of other kinks.

But he's not able to be properly submissive due to his lifestyle.

He's definitely service orientated, all his jobs and volunteer roles are that.

But I have no desire to be a kink dispenser. He will always say "whatever you want to do, whatever you enjoy, as long as you enjoy it" to be fair. And I don't mind experimenting.

But I've really disliked this Wednesday thing as I feel like part of a to-do list.

I'm new to this thread so hi!
Where did you guys meet your current dates??

Interesting to read how you all are getting on, I find this thread very helpful.

I had a second date with Mr Cars this evening. We had a nice snog and we seem to be on the same page with not wanting a live-in relationship with someone. However he has revealed what seems to me to be a bit of a chip on his shoulder about women. He said something about feminism having destroyed the family unit and men losing out in divorces. He had said earlier he wasn’t bitter about things but I’m not sure about that.

Hi everyone,

Just checking in.

Not much from me. Having a few chats on Bumble, but things are going painfully slow.

Still trying to get over my crush on Mr Gambit. I still like him, even though he ignores me half the time.

I feel a bit confused about how we ended things. Even though I wrote here that we both wanted to be friends, it was him that backed away, really. I was trying to chase him up to arrange our coffee date, and he was busy guess what... prepping! So it was obvious he didn't have time for me. Then he suddenly said that 'things had run its course'

I think I see a pattern emerging here.... 🤔🤣❤️

@JustAnother0ldMan

Let’s call her Ms NHS She also said she was going to see the new Bond film tonight with her ex as they are still good friends

@JustAnother0ldMan having that level of contact with an ex would be an amber flag for me.

On the positive side she's told you about it, so is being upfront. It could show that she's a decent and secure person who doesn't have any hard feelings towards her ex.

On the negative side it may mean she's got poor boundaries, or that she hopes she can resurrect the relationship.

I would proceed with caution.

@BelladiMamma

So threaders, it’s always worth the half hour coffee. But always good to video chat or phone chat beforehand. In the end I was out for an hour and a half: lovely pub, an old favourite but hadn’t been for a while. Can’t even remember how long I’ve been chatting to this guy now - 2 months or so? But I’ve never really invested in him as he’s been a sparse communicator which is a tick ✔️ in my book. Communication was always sensible, respectful, zero flirtatiousness. I’d matched with him because he had a nice profile, good photo, a professional and lives nearby. On WhatsApp we’d mainly focused on our ever changing timetables and when we could meet. Some political chat. Slightly obtuse reference to why I wanted his full name and a way to ID him when we were meeting in a pub but I let that pass …

First hour is fairly nice, I know immediately he’s not for me but chatted about where he lived, London marathon and just general low key nice smiley chat.

Literally on the hour, still smiley and not aggressive at all, decides to tell me why he doesn’t understand Black History Month is a thing or Black Lives Matter is a thing. Then wonders why they don’t have more black people on Gogglebox because that’s a great way of showing people that actually black people are fine? And also why do women get upset about security. Mixed in with this he’s still saying some fairly sensible things. I suggest maybe women are upset / sensitive about their security because they’re rarely perpetrators of violent crime against men … and it’s quite shocking how low the rape conviction rate is. Everything still very low key and like a gentle exchange of views.

‘But,’ he says, ‘the fact is that low conviction rate is because actually many of those accused were probably innocent.’

At this point I just switch off and when he pauses to take breath, I let him know I need to go. He carries on for a bit, as if he’s surprised by all these facts about crime against women and that really everyone should calm down. Because otherwise women will end up alienating men, who might otherwise support them better.

Christ alive. Does he ever wonder why he’s single?

And now I’ve come home, checked on MrActor’s profile on Feeld and he checked in even though he’s about to go onstage. Not that I expect anything from him but somehow this exchange with MrAccountant just makes me feel … ugh 😑. Guys. Please. Try to improve.

@BelladiMamma well, I suppose by making his thoroughly repugnant views known on date zero he's made it easy for you 👋

Pub sounds nice though 😁

@Stayingstrongish

Interesting to read how you all are getting on, I find this thread very helpful.

I had a second date with Mr Cars this evening. We had a nice snog and we seem to be on the same page with not wanting a live-in relationship with someone. However he has revealed what seems to me to be a bit of a chip on his shoulder about women. He said something about feminism having destroyed the family unit and men losing out in divorces. He had said earlier he wasn’t bitter about things but I’m not sure about that.

@Stayingstrongish 😁 for getting a nice snog which is always a bonus.

However, his views on women and divorce do sound bitter. Any family unit which is destroyed by a woman wanting equality with her partner was probably on dodgy ground to begin with imo.

Hi everyone,

Fun date with Mr Retro Vintage again however pretty clear it's only an exclusive FWB or even FB thing as we don't have much chemistry other than sex. He's got an uber busy life, working 7 days a week in various jobs but loves that. Hes very pragmatic and chilled and enjoys seeing me. We had dinner and floated. We are both relaxed in that sense but I miss that genuine connection with someone. I've updated my profile on Tinder and got a 5 pound membership offer on Match so will see what's out there.

@Stayingstrongish Amber flag there. I know people who say the same and tend to be very stubborn men who can't accept their part in the breakdown of their relationships. Very old school.

@Misty9

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this evening. Why is it so hard to just meet like minded decent people? :( I'm so tired of online dating but it seems like the only option. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty great - but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Wish I'd married the right person in the first place...

Okay, pity party done 😬

Sending you a virtual hug @Misty9

Yeah, the apps are pretty brutal and the 3 or so months I spent on them over the summer was definitely starting to impact my self esteem. I found the random ghosting, weird convos, disappointment, penpalling etc gruelling to say the least 😐

I'm off the apps for now but actually re-drafted my profile yesterday If I decide to go back on I'm going to be much more brutal and honest in the hope of weeding out the fuckwits and time wasters early on.

I've listed my good qualities, been clear that I'm a divorcee with a teenager and stated clearly what I'm looking for. They can take it or leave it frankly!

@Stayingstrongish I would upgrade that to a red flag. I get it that people are disappointed and sad about their break ups, but to reduce it to a male vs female thing is not a good sign. It's also wrong headed because it's highly likely that his ex has suffered the double whammy of maternity penalty and now (as good as ) single parenthood which will hold back her earning capacity.

If he can't talk about his ex with empathy or show that he's looking at his part in the break up, it's a no from me. He's unlikely to be in a growth mindset ... and the whinging won't improve ime.

@Languidleopard yes you're right. I just feel stupid for not having pushed a bit more any political discussion whilst we were chatting. I've realised how important these issues are to me and I cannot sleep with anyone who's that ante diluvian

@Eesha

Hi everyone,

Fun date with Mr Retro Vintage again however pretty clear it's only an exclusive FWB or even FB thing as we don't have much chemistry other than sex. He's got an uber busy life, working 7 days a week in various jobs but loves that. Hes very pragmatic and chilled and enjoys seeing me. We had dinner and floated. We are both relaxed in that sense but I miss that genuine connection with someone. I've updated my profile on Tinder and got a 5 pound membership offer on Match so will see what's out there.

Lovely to have that connection and time with someone, and it's good to see it for what it is now. Then you can sort out what you want to do about it. I'm feeling affinity with your dating choices as once I've sussed out MrActor my profile may well be re activated too.

What's your take on tweaking your dating profile? My cousin was saying the same to me eg 'put that you don't want needy blokes on there or anyone who wants too much from you' but my thinking was that actually people don't recognise that about themselves and the best thing to do was to stick to my 'independent woman happy with life seeks same' type vibe. It would hopefully weed out the whiners and the freeloaders

@BelladiMamma leave your profile as is as I doubt anyone thinks of themselves as needy even if it's the case. You seem to get lots of matches so why fix what isn't broken.

@BelladiMamma I tended to swerve the negative profiles on Bumble. For example - no drama, if you're insane swipe left please - type comments from blokes.

I've kept mine positive but honest, hoping like will attract like 🙂

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma leave your profile as is as I doubt anyone thinks of themselves as needy even if it's the case. You seem to get lots of matches so why fix what isn't broken.[/quote]
Fair point.

With Feeld I didn't even bother with the profile, just stuck my (nearly) best photos up

I’d like to stay on bumble but also thinking of putting some limits on when I
use it . Maybe twice a week, hour each time?

[quote Languidleopard]@BelladiMamma I tended to swerve the negative profiles on Bumble. For example - no drama, if you're insane swipe left please - type comments from blokes.

I've kept mine positive but honest, hoping like will attract like 🙂[/quote]
Yes, I'm the same.

It's actually Bumble I feel most 'meh' about though. I seem to have found a bunch of polite flakes on there.

Although can't complain I got Mr Italy and Mr Tattoo from there, both of which are still real life options, it's just time constrained.

Talking of which I told MrItaly I was on a date tonight. He's a grown up and I would rather he knew. It will test how robust our connection is. We've actually grown very close and I am starting to think of him as a serious relationship contender ... but I need to make it clear to him that I'm not going to wait around for him.

@SpringlikeBunk

I’d like to stay on bumble but also thinking of putting some limits on when I use it . Maybe twice a week, hour each time?

Is that for swiping or responding to messages?