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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

999 replies

BelladiMamma · 29/09/2021 23:31

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!
OP posts:
SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 17:30

Have you Fabbed yet @BelladiMamma ?

SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 17:31

*FabSwingers

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 17:32

@SpringlikeBunk

*FabSwingers
Yes I hated the interface. Went in Feeld and the UX plus the blokes were better quality. No women sadly
OP posts:
JustAnother0ldMan · 09/10/2021 17:35

you heathen, heathen !
Gary Newman, The Jam, The Police, The Specials, early Elvis Costello & the attractions (really showing my age now as that’s late 70’s really)

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 17:56

@JustAnother0ldMan ok, I'll give you The Specials and we can call off the indie battle 🤣

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 18:06

MrAccountant is nice looking. The pub is nice. He's got a slightly strange voice which makes me realise we never spoke on the phone before meeting. Wish I'd brought a coat as it's freezing now the sun has gone in

OP posts:
Sugaspunsista · 09/10/2021 19:04

@BelladiMamma

MrAccountant is nice looking. The pub is nice. He's got a slightly strange voice which makes me realise we never spoke on the phone before meeting. Wish I'd brought a coat as it's freezing now the sun has gone in
Oooh hope the date goes well
SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 19:54

Tonight's date zero looked great but mucked around with schedule a bit too much - I didn't mind whether or not it happened tbh but just changing at last minute was Angry

I offered him about five chances to reschedule, kept getting back "no it was Ok, he was on his way", then finally he wanted to talk on the phone...

Reminded me a bit of arranging a meet with MrMilitary:

  1. "I have to see you! Tonight! Looking forward to it so much."
  2. "Oh no, my mums dog is ill have to cancel!"
  3. "I can come out after all"
  4. "Oh you're busy now so you DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL"

And that flakiness is a real turn-off so sent a quick "distance too much of an issue" message

Got one back saying he'd finally found someone he had stuff in common with in me, and was upset!

Nutter....

SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 19:56

I ignored his last message as I didn't want to "feed the flames" and got "so I guess proximity is more important than personality"

(no, it's the flakiness that's more important). At least he's unmatched so no nutty messages hopefully.

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 19:57

Well it's a hmmmm 🤔 from me.

Will update later.

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 20:24

So threaders, it’s always worth the half hour coffee. But always good to video chat or phone chat beforehand. In the end I was out for an hour and a half: lovely pub, an old favourite but hadn’t been for a while. Can’t even remember how long I’ve been chatting to this guy now - 2 months or so? But I’ve never really invested in him as he’s been a sparse communicator which is a tick ✔️ in my book. Communication was always sensible, respectful, zero flirtatiousness. I’d matched with him because he had a nice profile, good photo, a professional and lives nearby. On WhatsApp we’d mainly focused on our ever changing timetables and when we could meet. Some political chat. Slightly obtuse reference to why I wanted his full name and a way to ID him when we were meeting in a pub but I let that pass …

First hour is fairly nice, I know immediately he’s not for me but chatted about where he lived, London marathon and just general low key nice smiley chat.

Literally on the hour, still smiley and not aggressive at all, decides to tell me why he doesn’t understand Black History Month is a thing or Black Lives Matter is a thing. Then wonders why they don’t have more black people on Gogglebox because that’s a great way of showing people that actually black people are fine? And also why do women get upset about security. Mixed in with this he’s still saying some fairly sensible things. I suggest maybe women are upset / sensitive about their security because they’re rarely perpetrators of violent crime against men … and it’s quite shocking how low the rape conviction rate is. Everything still very low key and like a gentle exchange of views.

‘But,’ he says, ‘the fact is that low conviction rate is because actually many of those accused were probably innocent.’

At this point I just switch off and when he pauses to take breath, I let him know I need to go. He carries on for a bit, as if he’s surprised by all these facts about crime against women and that really everyone should calm down. Because otherwise women will end up alienating men, who might otherwise support them better.

Christ alive. Does he ever wonder why he’s single?

And now I’ve come home, checked on MrActor’s profile on Feeld and he checked in even though he’s about to go onstage. Not that I expect anything from him but somehow this exchange with MrAccountant just makes me feel … ugh 😑. Guys. Please. Try to improve.

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 20:58

@SpringlikeBunk

I ignored his last message as I didn't want to "feed the flames" and got "so I guess proximity is more important than personality"

(no, it's the flakiness that's more important). At least he's unmatched so no nutty messages hopefully.

Yes, much easier if they just unmatch >sighs a jaded sigh
OP posts:
SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 21:14

@BelladiMamma

I know, you can't really argue with that level of lack of self-awareness? So glad he took the dismissal at face value.

He suggested meeting today with him driving down which was unexpected but fine

then asked if I could come to his city, then I politely said "possibility for the future, but not today"

Then "no worries, of course he could drive to my city", then gave me a time for him coming down (and his bumble location showed as moving Hmm).

Then at the last minute "he didn't fancy it but wanted to speak on the phone".

Then he rang and I got him off the phone ASAP, and then I messaged to say politely I thought "the distance might be an issue, but all the best for the future"

then got this long message about "how I had to be joking, and how he really thought we'd be a great match!"

It's a shame as he looked really physically attractive, clearly intelligent and well-spoken, but from bitter experience flakiness does NOT ever work out. No point really enjoying someone's company if I'm having anxiety attacks in the lead to it.

VanGoghsDog · 09/10/2021 21:19

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, how’s things going with Mr WG? Have you been able to see any more of him recently? Has Mr Decorator stayed in touch?
@Isitreallyme177, well done for 6months NC with Mr CG. I would suggest deleting all photos or at most keep one as bella suggested. I find happening upon random pics in my photo roll a bit unsettling and personally in general I prefer to look forward not back. You’ve done the hard work and he doesn’t really deserve much more of your headspace.[/quote]
Well.....

MrWG has got on my nerves and I'm not talking to him. I doubt he's noticed though!
He has this "thing" about coming over Wednesday lunchtimes. Three weeks ago I had a cold, sister and her dog her (though she went out) so I asked him over to just walk away he dog with me, which he did and hung around a couple of hours chatting and having coffee.

Roll on the following Wed, he's nervous to use fuel as he has a long drive and a site throat, fine. So I phone him for a catch up (I'm kind like that). Got pissed off because I could hear him typing in the background, so said goodbye, not in a pissy way. Then didn't hear from him for a week. Texted him following Tue (the one just gone) to check in, as it's nearly Wed again (I'm actually not down with this Wed thing tbh) he replies "am in a meeting", then "tired and almost out of fuel" (getting excuse in early), then "weekend was good but long drive" (yeah, that can happen when you drive from the midlands to Scotland, no surprise). I didn't bother to respond.
Wed texts to say "running on fumes and cold has got worse so not heading over". I didn't bother to respond.
I'd like it if he sounded disappointed, or picked up the phone to me. Or kept in touch a bit more (I have told him that last one)
Then Fri he texts "cold turned into cough/chest infection. How's your week been?"
I haven't bothered to reply.

Am I being too mean? I find it hard to say anything if I don't really have anything to say. I didn't want to be arsey with him but I need to set out by expectations.

Meanwhile Tinder has been ridiculous, so many one line every three days conversations. One guy asked to meet up, looked ok so I agreed, moved him to WA, he was terrible at responding, so after three days of nothing from him deleted and blocked.

Joined Feeld. Oh my horsey god. Men twenty years younger than me wanting to shag me (apparently).

One married, asked if that was an issue, I told him it was. He chatted a bit then said something like "if we never meet we'll never find out" and I said "so we'll never find out" and got called stubborn. Called him out on it ("a woman asserts her boundaries and you call her names?") and get told it was a perfectly reasonable character analysis which is normal in life and I should get used to it. Then this pass agg shit about how someone must have hurt me and "good luck on these apps". This a guy nearly twenty years younger than me. So I said "talk down to me some more baby it really turns me on", waited til it said read and blocked him. Anyway, I have seven conversations on there currently. Assuming I don't want to shag a child, maybe three look sensible.

Losing my nerve slightly on just shagging though (HRT should start soon which might resolve that).

Other guy from walking group is coming over for take away after walk tomorrow because I can't go out as looking after a dog for someone. I don't fancy him, just friends I think. Hope he's ok with that and doesn't think it's more.

But, on balance I'm feeling a bit flat tbh.

VanGoghsDog · 09/10/2021 21:24

I've had two with distance issues recently, one told me "you know if I come to you I'll need to stay at yours, is that ok".
I said no, it's not ok. Trains and roads go in both directions.
And I got "OK don't shout at me, I'll buy a one way ticket and see how it goes". (In what way did I shout?). Deleted.

And another who is miles away, I say relationships are hard if your more than an hour apart and got a word salad about distance and hearts and what's important....blah blah.

He's got a dog. I bet he'd pretty soon stop driving the two + hours if we dated!

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 21:31

@VanGoghsDog

I've had two with distance issues recently, one told me "you know if I come to you I'll need to stay at yours, is that ok". I said no, it's not ok. Trains and roads go in both directions. And I got "OK don't shout at me, I'll buy a one way ticket and see how it goes". (In what way did I shout?). Deleted.

And another who is miles away, I say relationships are hard if your more than an hour apart and got a word salad about distance and hearts and what's important....blah blah.

He's got a dog. I bet he'd pretty soon stop driving the two + hours if we dated!

Reading through your updates ... how disappointing that WG is seemingly fading out ... given that the Wednesday was his suggestion as well?

As for the tinder and Feeld interactions ... ugh. I'd also feel flat after those. Crossing my fingers that my next few dates work out ok as apart from tonight, I've been enjoying being back in the game again. And I'd like to keep that feeling! It's like a virtuous circle as the confidence feeds the Positive interactions.

I also know I don't want any major commitment for the next 3/4 years so I guess I'm happy just weeding anyone out that I don't fancy. And not getting too hung up on whether it's a long term option or not...

OP posts:
Stayingstrongish · 09/10/2021 21:31

@BelladiMamma holy shit good on you for getting out

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 21:32

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@BelladiMamma

I know, you can't really argue with that level of lack of self-awareness? So glad he took the dismissal at face value.

He suggested meeting today with him driving down which was unexpected but fine

then asked if I could come to his city, then I politely said "possibility for the future, but not today"

Then "no worries, of course he could drive to my city", then gave me a time for him coming down (and his bumble location showed as moving Hmm).

Then at the last minute "he didn't fancy it but wanted to speak on the phone".

Then he rang and I got him off the phone ASAP, and then I messaged to say politely I thought "the distance might be an issue, but all the best for the future"

then got this long message about "how I had to be joking, and how he really thought we'd be a great match!"

It's a shame as he looked really physically attractive, clearly intelligent and well-spoken, but from bitter experience flakiness does NOT ever work out. No point really enjoying someone's company if I'm having anxiety attacks in the lead to it.[/quote]
Oh god I hate that hot / cold thing. No loss if he's being that entitled this early on?

OP posts:
SpringlikeBunk · 09/10/2021 21:41

@BelladiMamma

I know, it felt like he was setting me up so that "I was being a demanding entitled type complaining as I was asking him to immediately drive to my city for a coffee"

When it was him who was pushing for it and I was quite clear it was no big deal we could just arrange another day or meet half way etc Confused

There were some amber flags on his profile - wanting to meet someone "zen" and I think that probably means he has form for intentionally winding women up by being flaky then claims they're hysterical needy types!

VanGoghsDog · 09/10/2021 21:42

Oh, Decorator - I had to ask him to stop sending me racist memes. He apologized, said they were "just a joke" 🙄
Inevitably they were not even funny.

Really, I'd like him to stop sending me any memes to be honest.

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 21:50

[quote Stayingstrongish]@BelladiMamma holy shit good on you for getting out[/quote]
Well, it was nice weather

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 21:53

@VanGoghsDog

Oh, Decorator - I had to ask him to stop sending me racist memes. He apologized, said they were "just a joke" 🙄 Inevitably they were not even funny. Really, I'd like him to stop sending me any memes to be honest.
This difference in politics is just a massive turn off for me. I think I need to subtly screen for it early on.
OP posts:
Misty9 · 09/10/2021 21:54

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this evening. Why is it so hard to just meet like minded decent people? :( I'm so tired of online dating but it seems like the only option. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty great - but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Wish I'd married the right person in the first place...

Okay, pity party done 😬

BelladiMamma · 09/10/2021 21:57

@Misty9

Feeling a bit sorry for myself this evening. Why is it so hard to just meet like minded decent people? :( I'm so tired of online dating but it seems like the only option. Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty great - but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. Wish I'd married the right person in the first place...

Okay, pity party done 😬

Yes I am there sometimes but actually - better to be single than with someone who's not adding to your life

I know you know that! Not sure how but I started to have fun with this dating malarkey again the last couple Of weeks

I think MrTattoo gave me the confidence that there are decent people Out there!

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 09/10/2021 22:00

I don't think blatant racism is politics, is it? It's just nastiness.