Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

So... this probavly isn't the time for me to be having a new haircut.. I'll no doubt regret it and feel ugly... but i still booked it for tomorrow. .lol

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think talking badly about exes so early is a bit of a red flag. It sounds like he lost his filter and was still annoyed by this woman, definitely too early but at least you saw this. Its good you pulled him up on it.

@SortingItOut you're definitely not monopolising the thread. I would probably feel aggrieved too in your situation as he doesn't appear to be mirroring your actions and you are giving a lot. That said, you've explained your concerns so it's up to him to allay these if he thinks they are valid.

@Shayelle2009 good luck with Bumble! Any decent potentials there?

@Sugaspunsista hope the hairdo brings you joy!

You are the compromiser and I don’t see much compromises happening on his side….that way leads to resentment i think this is such a good sentence and very much what happens when your a people pleaser. It comes so natural to make compromises so the other person is happy but its at your own expense really and that does lead to resentment. I think @BelladiMamma also had a good point though with him just being a 'man' (sorry for the generalisation) and agreeing then forgetting. I'm also wondering perhaps @HairyArsedMan can comment whether men find these 'events' that they get invited to where friends/family will be there as important as we do. For me they really offer insight to how committed the men are and how much they prioritise us/our plans. I suppose in a way these are like mini tests to see whether you're both on the same page or not. But perhaps to a man it's 'just a party no big deal, they'll be others'
I remember last year with magnet man, i told him i'd be quite close to his city as i was on a trip with my family and he'd said to let him know as we'd make a plan to see each other on one of the weekend days. Logistically it would have been a nightmare to make work as i was far further away than i thought but he had his phone off the entire weekend. And i let it ruin my family trip. He text first thing monday apologising for 'forgetting' and said he'd make it up to me... this did happen but many months later. I never want to be in that position again where i'm hanging on to someone who really isn't giving me back what i'm putting in. I'm not saying this is what MrK is doing but i think it's defnitely worth asking yourself what would make YOU happiest going forward.
Good luck @SpringlikeBunk so you didn't get on your bike then? This reminded me of MrE when he met me by bike in the pouring rain then called me cold/selfish for not offering him a lift home after we'd had our coffees. I've never been called either of those things ever, this should have been a red flag and i should have run for the hills. Anyway hoping for some interesting matches that are worth your time. Are they only getting your burner phone number? If they pass your approval to move on from the app?

@Naimee87 I wonder if men get called cold, it seems to get thrown at women a lot for various reasons. I also wonder if men get unwanted boob pictures?

I also wonder if men get unwanted boob pictures?
No such thing as an unwanted boob picture 😂😂

Seriously, i have never been sent a boob picture by a stranger, online

A woman I was seeing for a while used to send me the odd one as we didn’t get to see each other that often,

Still catching up with the thread (I can tell SM has been down!) but wanted to add to those saying not to worry about thrashing this out on here @SortingItOut I know many of us would be lost without your input!
I think @SpringlikeBunk has got it- the compromise issue. And if you're used to being the one that does all the compromise, it can creep up on you as it seems to have. Personally, where you say you're not sure if it's good boundaries or head in the sand, I think it's good boundaries. Maybe this is an area you could try to detach from the personal nature of the situation and think how you'd advise me if I said this.

Also: "Right now I'd like to downgrade to FB or FWB as the sex is great and I'd have way less expectation but I need someone to tell me if that's right (hopefully my counsellor will help me work through it)"

You don't need me to tell you that you can change or end a relationship for any reason that is making you unhappy without permission from anyone. I can't help but think that by downgrading this relationship with Mr K, you're making his lack of effort with priorities and compromise 'acceptable' because it's 'just fwb'. And that makes your mind happier because it's how it is.

Lastly (sorry, long) I'd be mindful of the sunken costs thing here. It's not a failure on your part if this relationship doesn't work out, and it's not from lack of trying either. I know you cite emotional unavailability but I think you've let Mr K in (meeting loved ones, invites to events) and he hasn't reciprocated which is bound to make you feel uncomfortable.

@WeWantTheFinestWines love your comment about him just being a man, I nearly put that in one of my posts but didnt as I was worried I would offend the men on the thread plus is it just another get out - that because he is a man he doesn't have to consider things.
He definitely agrees to far more stuff than he really has time for🙄

@Naimee87 Thanks for your thoughts, I think if this had been a family thing he would have come.
What my family think of him is important to him - he said that him going on a 4 day fishing trip with my brother was 'doing right' by my brother and my family as it was a kind of stag do.
I told him that was a pathetic excuse but actually he couldn't see that this wouldn't make me happy as it made my brother happy.

@Heartbeats0708 By downgrading our relationship his lack of effort would be acceptable because we are FWB.
Reading that back makes me sound like I place no value on myself....actually why should he get all the good bits of me without any commitment?

I'm fine to end things if need be, I just don't want to be too rash as I don't trust my own decisions.
What it will teach me is that we should have stayed FWB and I shouldn't have got into a relationship without having therapy to sort myself out.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and opinions🤗

It’s so weird
Maybe it’s my cycle , maybe it’s the onset of winter, maybe I’m a bit depressed but my horns gone
Which means I totally can’t be arsed with OLD

I want to go disco dancing with friends or have a drunk karaoke night instead

I can’t even wank
It’s terrible this SAD

No such thing as an unwanted boob picture

So true 😂😂
Sigh
I miss my libido

@SortingItOut agree with others in that I always find your feedback really insightful and helpful so don't think you are in any way monopolising the thread

I think there will come a point with Mr K where the effort required to compromise and be the reasonable one outweighs the joy the relationship brings you.

We're all a bit selfish and thoughtless from time to time and a bit of give and take is inevitable. But you've made your very reasonable needs clear and if I were you I would be expecting to see some compromise and reasonableness on his part now.

He needs to step it up a bit basically. No grand gestures of everlasting love, just showing he values your needs and is able to meet them.

What it will teach me is that we should have stayed FWB and I shouldn't have got into a relationship without having therapy to sort myself out

You are being really hard on yourself
I’ve been reading your posts and you appear to not have much faith in your own judgement
It’s totally ok to be confused and upset
And it’s hard to make yourself vulnerable

And it’s totally ok to walk away if it’s not making you happy

I wish the men in my life had therapy to clear their heads
Ha ha ha , I wish !!!!

love your comment about him just being a man, I nearly put that in one of my posts but didnt as I was worried I would offend the men on the thread plus is it just another get out - that because he is a man he doesn't have to consider things.

This really doesn’t bother me, I’m used to it really after been told for the last 50 years that men have no feelings, it sinks in.
We do have feelings and thoughts (honestly we do), but (personally), I don’t scrutinise every single thought of feeling I have or decision I’ve made, that’s probably a pretty male trait TBH, I remember being married and my wife agonising over every decision and if so and so would be upset about it, used to drive me bonkers,

Yes, love a party, (don’t we all ? )
Meeting friends and family, maybe not so important what they think, you cannot alter what someone else thinks so why worry about it.

(Waiting for the flaming, better make sure I have my asbestos pants on)

@SortingItOut I haven't much advice which is why I've not said anything but one bit of advice I've been given is if it doesn't make you happy then do something about it. It doesn't make you a bad person to walk away from a relationship that makes you unhappy. I wish I had done that years ago then maybe I wouldn't be 43(very close to 44), single and childless with my dreams of having that happy family life fading fast.

@SpringlikeBunk urgh just hearing you talking about being back on there is triggering those shitty feelings! Matches that look nice but remain silent, creepy entitled twats expecting you to run up to them with your vag on a little silver plate.. all reminds me why I'm not bothering.

On my way to art class so will hopefully see MrSound today! Maybe we’ll chat 🤣 if not I can just give him eyes haha!

@WeWantTheFinestWines he probably did something to deserve chucking his crap out! Not sure I’d be waiting to find out what it was..

So funny that people are losing their libido, just as I seem to have rediscovered mine. Haven't really been bothered for a while, but lately have really been missing sex and have just invested in a new vibrator! It will hopefully make up for real-life opportunities being nonexistent. I can't do sex without emotion so need the RS and can't do FB or FWB. And it's been well over a year, so the Satisfier Pro it is!

And sorting, your thoughts of downgrading your RS with Mr K to FB/FWB because of his lack of effort reminds me of a Friends episode where Phoebe is dating a guy who won't have sex because it has to be special, he doesn't want to let her down or something - and she is climbing the walls, so she tells him it doesn't have to be special, she won't put any pressure on him, they can just have no strings sex, so he agrees to have sex. When she later tells Joey, he recaps "so you told him it would just be sex, he wouldn't have to call you the next day, there would be no expectations (or however he summed it up) - that man is my hero!" And the longer Joey talks, the more uncomfortable Phoebe looks. So I guess my point is - don't be Phoebe. You have a right to have expectations in a relationship - removing those and calling it "just sex" is in no way going to make you feel better. You deserve someone who puts in as much as you. Although I can see why he thought hanging out with your brother might make you happy. That is really embedding in your family, which might seem like a commitment to you?

Thank you to someone who mentioned looking at who an iron follows on Instagram. I looked at Mr Single Dad’s Insta and he follows normal looking people and comedians so that was reassuring.

Mr Sci-Fi has been messaging saying sorry again for not making our date on Saturday (and not saying anything beforehand!), apparently his flu is now at a bad cold level but he thinks I’m very pretty and does want to meet. Don’t know whether to believe him but have left it as we’ll meet up when he’s feeling better.

So now I'm overthinking. I messaged Mr Cricket this morning to find out when he wanted to go to the cinema as a friend messaged and asked to meet. It's only fair that I check with him as he did ask first. Now I've had no response yet. It's only been about an hour but part of me keeps thinking he has changed his mind. Being such an insecure worrier is not good. 🤣

@Isitreallyme177

So now I'm overthinking. I messaged Mr Cricket this morning to find out when he wanted to go to the cinema as a friend messaged and asked to meet. It's only fair that I check with him as he did ask first. Now I've had no response yet. It's only been about an hour but part of me keeps thinking he has changed his mind. Being such an insecure worrier is not good. 🤣

Welcome to my world!! You don't want to stay here!!

He's probably out shopping... relax. He will message you!!

Oooh The Great Glitch was fun.

I got text messages and WhatsApp / Signal messages from - I decided - the people who really want to stay in touch.

Which are:

MrItaly - back in U.K. very soon and keeps saying 'we must get together' (I hate that phrase - actually just suggest a time and a place)
MrActor - now has his call times for the next two weeks so the only one who's stepped up (again) with suggested times. This is total hook up / FWB territory
MrTattoo - who can't seem to bring himself to organise anything with me but wants to stay in touch, so he's on the (active) back burner

I have 3/4 chats from Feeld where guys have suggested coffees but at times I can't do so I'm leaving it to them to suggest the next slots. Please let the FWB / dating gods be kind and let me get out there again!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated disco & karaoke sound excellent alternatives! I’ve recently pretty much ditched OLD as I’m fed up of scrolling through all the photos of a ‘rugged’ walks etc etc

Wondered if I can ask the lovely folk on this thread for some wisdom on a real life love who has re-entered my life. I mentioned him a while back: we had a v intense relationship soon after we’d both come out of long marriages. We’d both known each before, and had feelings for each other, it turned out, but didn’t act/speak on them while still with ex’s. After he separated from his ex last year he then started to have something of a breakdown about not living with his young son all the time. He ended up going back in and trying to make it work with ex. It hasn’t worked and he admitted to her he can’t stop being in love with me (though we had zero contact a while), plus they had other problems. Now they’re setting divorce in motion. He contacted the other day, me 6 weeks after he moved out. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times. Feelings of love still strongly there on both sides. I’ve kept texting to a minimum as I think it’s sensible he takes space and time to get through the break up before rushing back to me. VERY hard to resist though as the draw between us is magnetic. He asked me yesterday if I’d like to have a coffee with him. I was hesitant. Then afterwards sent a text apologising that maybe he shouldn’t have asked that. He acknowledges that he hurt me when he went to back to ex before, which he definitely did, and I am feeling cautious, though I do also feel some empathy re the very difficult decision to break up a family.

My question is how long do you think I should give it, re not meeting up with him/getting involved ? I will see him at work a bit, now we are back in the building, but only one day a week. I am feeling I’d like to talk on the phone sometimes, in the meantime, but not have an intense amount of contact while he is going through this process. He will need time to grieve the family break up etc before being ready for a new relationship— at least that’s how I see it.

he sent a text apologising, I mean

@Thisisworsethananticpated You're right, I don't trust my judgement.
I don't know what a normal relationship is, I'm used to drama and arguing and being gaslighted over everything so this is all new territory.
I'm not sure if this is normal and I should work through it or just give up.

@Isitreallyme177 I definitely can't be unhappy again, I wasted 17 years on my ex husband and I'm not doing it again.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think Mr K would see spending 4 days with my brother (and others) as doing something good for me and my family (although it helps that he likes fishing😂) whereas I would have preferred him to either do nothing/1 night and have attended the party with me.

I'm due to see Mr K tonight so we'll see how that goes.

I've also just seen burlesque classes advertised locally....hmmm, do I actually have time for them? Probably not but would be a lot of fun🙂

@Earlgrey19 I think light touch contact (occasional texts/phone calls) for a good few monthd before you get too involved.

What's to say he won't cope without his son again and go back?
Presumably last time he thought he could do it but then couldn't, what has changed this time?

This talk of love sounds very lovebombing, is it lust or infatuation?
How can he know he is in love with you if you didn't have much contact?

@Sugaspunsista you're probably right, he always replies and I'm known to read a message at the traffic lights when they're red or when I'm waiting at the petrol station and reply when I get home.

[quote Earlgrey19]@Thisisworsethananticpated disco & karaoke sound excellent alternatives! I’ve recently pretty much ditched OLD as I’m fed up of scrolling through all the photos of a ‘rugged’ walks etc etc

Wondered if I can ask the lovely folk on this thread for some wisdom on a real life love who has re-entered my life. I mentioned him a while back: we had a v intense relationship soon after we’d both come out of long marriages. We’d both known each before, and had feelings for each other, it turned out, but didn’t act/speak on them while still with ex’s. After he separated from his ex last year he then started to have something of a breakdown about not living with his young son all the time. He ended up going back in and trying to make it work with ex. It hasn’t worked and he admitted to her he can’t stop being in love with me (though we had zero contact a while), plus they had other problems. Now they’re setting divorce in motion. He contacted the other day, me 6 weeks after he moved out. We’ve spoken on the phone a few times. Feelings of love still strongly there on both sides. I’ve kept texting to a minimum as I think it’s sensible he takes space and time to get through the break up before rushing back to me. VERY hard to resist though as the draw between us is magnetic. He asked me yesterday if I’d like to have a coffee with him. I was hesitant. Then afterwards sent a text apologising that maybe he shouldn’t have asked that. He acknowledges that he hurt me when he went to back to ex before, which he definitely did, and I am feeling cautious, though I do also feel some empathy re the very difficult decision to break up a family.

My question is how long do you think I should give it, re not meeting up with him/getting involved ? I will see him at work a bit, now we are back in the building, but only one day a week. I am feeling I’d like to talk on the phone sometimes, in the meantime, but not have an intense amount of contact while he is going through this process. He will need time to grieve the family break up etc before being ready for a new relationship— at least that’s how I see it.[/quote]
I would rather, in this situation, meet face to face occasionally. You will have a better idea of how he's doing after the break up and if he's really moved on. I think phone and text can be quite artificial if you're not also seeing someone in person alongside that contact.

Pick somewhere neutral and make it daytime if you can?