Dating thread 214 - the no rules one!

[BelladiMamma]

Here are the only rules what matter!

As for anything else OLD not listed here - make your own ❤️

This is a really important thing I think needs to be unpicked in counselling @SortingItOut
"I now need to work on why what Mr K has done hurts so much and if I'm irrational by verging on ending things because I want to run away and not solve issues."
Is it running away and not solving things or is it that you've tried to solve it and it essentially backfired? You're (rightly!) unhappy with the resolution to never invite Mr K out on a Saturday again, but I think that's a sledgehammer/nut thing and a more suitable resolution is out there. Perhaps the jumping to ending things is your emotional unavailability but it's not irrational to question your relationship when these serious issues of priorities arise.
IMO you gave Mr K plenty of notice for the party and he chose to sandwich it between fishing trips- it's not unreasonable to be hurt that the person your are in a relationship with chose fishing over a rare Saturday night out at what sounds like a pretty special party.
I agree with pp that he's sending you very mixed messages and I'd want some clarification over what he feels the difference is between a relationship and a fwb.
I do hope this comes across with the good intentions it's meant with!

@Shayelle2009 it gets better (I had to behave myself with my replies) he told me he had just bought a bed and mattress.🙈🙊 I really had to stop myself but the odd little comment came out from both of us about needing a good mattress and bed🤣🙈.

@BelladiMamma yes he is only going to be 15 minutes from me. I'm not getting involved with his house bits otherwise I'll want to get stuff for mine and I don't need anything.

@JustAnother0ldMan did you break Facebook by signing up to the dating part?! that combined with supporting NCFC, you really are going through a tough time...!

Anyone feeling odd without WhatsApp?!

@Misty9 yes I want to find out about the cinema. I know I can text or call but it's not WhatsApp.

Feels super odd without whatsapp? wonder whats going on…

Facebook WhatsApp, Instagram and messenger all down and all owned by Facebook must have problems with their servers. I feel lost.

@Heartbeats0708 Its definitely running away, whether that's because I'm emotionally unavailable or because I'm fed up of having to work at relationships I'm not sure.
I spent 17 years putting up with so much crap and ignoring my needs I feel like I'm all out of energy to do it again.
I'm not sure if that is good boundaries or head in the sand mentality and running away helps.

The fishing trip the other weekend was only organised 3 weeks before and this potential one this week was organised 4 weeks ago.
I told him that I felt by giving him 8 weeks notice that I had claimed dibs on him and barring his son being poorly then I expected this party to take priority.
He says it didn't cross his mind that the first fishing trip was the week before the party or that his son might miss him and want to see him. I'm not sure if he's just thinking one week at a time or whether he just doesn't consider me.
He has said in the past that he has a terrible memory and I have no reason to doubt that.

I think he has FOMO and says yes to everything and he cant do it all, I know fishing is important to him and he's picked it back up since last year because he's in
a good place and can be alone with his thoughts.

I didn't even ask whether he tried to negotiate with his son, I only wanted Mr K from 5pm to 10am so that gave them plenty of time together still especially when most of that time his son would have been asleep.

I agree that me telling him I won't invite him to anything ever again is using a sledgehammer to crack a nut and it was totally toys out of the pram but I was so annoyed and I wanted him to know that. I need grown up ways of dealing with things.

I appreciate your thoughts (and everyone elses) while I get my head round this.

I'm having to text people which feels very old fashioned.

Mr K was quite sweet, he text earlier to say he has internet issues and so his WhatsApp messages won't send and he wanted me to know. I told him its a Facebook issue as he hadnt seen the news.

@SortingItOut I think the fact that he never organised an outfit says to me he was never going to go anyway. Perhaps he didn't have the heart to tell you. However only you can tell whether its worth pursuing. From what you say, he has more to lose if you split up with him as you always seem amazing!

[quote Misty9]@Languidleopard I think we're in similar situations - has Mr breadcrumbs (or you) said anything about exclusivity?

So Mr Scot and I had a very good time again (the man has serious skills) and we chatted openly about where we're both at and what we're doing. He wouldn't exactly say he won't go looking at what else is out there... But I'm still on tinder too. He did admit being scared that he likes me. So, we'll keep doing what we're doing for now I think. I'm confident I would walk away if I needed to, it just sometimes takes me a bit of time. And I may as well have great sex in the meantime will I get hurt? Possibly. Am I having fun? Yes.

As for messaging, I love it. A bit too much sometimes but I couldn't cope with one message every few days. It wouldn't sustain my interest mainly.[/quote]
@Misty9 We haven't had the exclusivity conversation, no. However, I've told him I've snoozed Bumble and he's been off Tinder and OK Cupid for a while now.

I've made it really clear to him how important honesty is to me and double really clear I do not want to be part of anyone's harem. He's agreed to tell me if he wants to go back on the dating scene so I can decide what I want to do at that stage.

I guess I'm just trying to enjoy what's happening now while accepting I don't have much control over what he's going to do in the future. I know I'm taking a risk with this one.

@SortingItOut, you are always very logical and straightforward when sharing your thoughts on others’ situations on here. Do you feel able to disengage from it being your problem and look at the pros and cons objectively ? Firstly does it feel like a one off that Mr K has not prioritised a special event/time with you ? When you meet is your time together fulfilling? Is he providing most of what you feel you need from a LTA relationship? There must be something more than sex and good food that makes you want him in your life because you could have those things with other people too - if that was all you were looking for.

@Eesha He said he could sort his outfit quickly, too be fair 1920's male outfits are much easier than women's and he probably has most of it in his wardrobe anyway but that's not the point.
1.5 weeks before he hadn't even thought about his outfit or tried it on which surely you would have done.

Right now I'd like to downgrade to FB or FWB as the sex is great and I'd have way less expectation but I need someone to tell me if that's right (hopefully my counsellor will help me work through it)

Thank you, without being big headed he has quite a lot to lose, I am pretty great and I've got my life pretty much together (save the emotional unavailability), he's told me in the past that I'm the first girlfriend who's got her life together properly with a good job, a house, who's clever and funny - this was when we were newly boyfriend/girlfriend but I'm not a status thing because he hasn't introduced me to friends (another issue🙄)

@Misty9 oh man, tell me about it, 1 pt out of a potential 21 is an appalling start to the season, I’m not sure which I’m more upset about, my love life or NCFC current form, being rooted to the foot of the PL is not good.

I bought some petrol a few weeks ago, so I’ll put my hand up 🙋‍♂️ for that one as well

@SortingItOut

I agree with @Heartbeats0708 - it seems that you’re taking responsibility/attributing a lot to yourself

when actually it does seem like most rational people would be pissed off if a partner did the same to them with scheduling?

Plus bringing up his contact with his son (which you clearly do everything in your power to encourage) seems a bit of a dick move designed to avoid responsibility and make you feel bad.

And the “solution” seems to be maintaining the status quo, with you compromising more?

@Eesha

sorry, meant to say when it hasn't been defined yet, would we be OK with the other person seeing others

@Eesha I would find it very hard to deal with him seeing others!

On Saturday I clocked the women at the table next to us checking him out when I arrived a bit later than him for lunch so he was already waiting. I felt a definite pang of possessiveness, which surprised me tbh.

@Onesmallstep67 Thanks for your thoughts, I do need to look at it from a different viewpoint because there is so much entwined with this one thing which probably isn't a big deal to some people and probably not to Mr K whereas for me I'm questioning everything but then that is the problem with coming out of an emotionally abusive marriage.

This is the first time because I've only invited/asked him to things a few times over the last 2 years.

Our time together has been more limited due to my new job, when we are together we are like most couples although I put a lot on having sex when we meet as for me its what helps our connection - I know its i intimacy I crave and not necessarily sex.
Our evenings together are usually meet at 5 or 6pm, bed by 10, asleep by 11, awake at 6 and he's off to work by 7.15am so not that many waking hours together.

I think he gives me everything I want in an LAT except we don't discuss finances and I'm happy with that as I'm independent without him.

I'm not sure what else I get from him, sex and good food is important to me. He's funny, kind,caring and until last weekend I'd say we got along great (aside from the meeting his family issue).
I know I could get all this from someone else so not sure what keeps me in the relationship right now....apart from trying to be a grown up and deal with issues instead of running away.

@Isitreallyme177

Facebook WhatsApp, Instagram and messenger all down and all owned by Facebook must have problems with their servers. I feel lost.

I feel like I've been teleported back to the nineties 😁

Back on the bumble!

Similar situation really - lots of nice looking matches but none of them really “taking” - and I don’t want to fall into the trap of trying to make scintillating conversation to someone who isn’t really engaged!

One spectacularly pushy twat (surgeon) who has just “told me” that I easily can cycle in the rain to meet him for a drink tonight as that’s the only night he can do

Will remember that it took a few weeks to connect with MrC so will just be patient.

@Languidleopard we'll all be back on MySpace!🤣

@SpringlikeBunk Thanks for your thoughts, I hadn't thought that I am compromising, I mean I knew it still doesn't feel right after our chat but didn't know why.

I compromised a lot in my marriage to keep the peace and regret it immensely, why is it always me that has to compromise?
I'm too much of a people pleaser for my own good,no rocking the boat and ensuring everyone else is happy ☹

@JustAnother0ldMan what about climate change...? You too?! to be fair, you must be used to NC yo-yoing by now...? are you still living here then?

@SortingItOut do you think that although you say you are emotionally unavailable, you are resentful about him not introducing you to his family/friends plus putting himself first. It sounds like you've been chilled/the cool person yet almost waiting to get annoyed with him/for him to let you down. I'm not sure what the solution is but maybe he has to make it up to you big time.

@SortingItOut you have always given great advice to me and others on here. If feels to me as if you are feeling a nagging sense that your chat with Mr K didn't actually resolve any issues.

You sound like a great person... dunt geek like Me K is your only option... you'd be a catch for many guys . I hope you can work through this with your counsellor and feel better about whatever decision you make.

@Eesha I am emotionally unavailable (self diagnosed with the Mr Unavailable book😂).
I do resent him hugely about not meeting friends and family because I had already let him meet my friends and family and expected the same in return.
I did meet his mum a few months ago and he says I can pop and see her whenever I like (she lives in the same town where I work) but no mention of meeting anyone else.

Fear of being let down has been there from day one hence the FWB and not wanting a relationship, I knew it would happen eventually which is why I've kept my expectations low and rarely asked him to do anything that didn't fit with our schedule of meets plus of course his son must come first.

I resent him a lot for breaking down my barriers and persuading me that he should be invited to things with me and for him to decide if he gives up time with his son, and then he lets me down.
I'm embarrassed I fell for it although I'm sure he never thought this would happen.

Such a shame my Counsellor was not able to see me today, I want to get it all offmy chest.

Good luck at @SpringlikeBunk back on the bumble, hope some decent ones crop up!