Stepdaughter help please!

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

OP have a read of this. The parallels are uncanny.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4177035-Uninvited-to-family-wedding

Sorry - but you had a 11/12 year old step daughter who didn't want to engage with you or her step siblings, only wanted to spend time with her father and was hostile. That is a sign of a child I distress and OP your response was inadequate. To say 'well you never asked her to leave'? It was her home - the one you moved into and turned her life upside down and expected to be welcomed with open arms? But you included her in the wedding plans - the plans that cemented this change for her life - that was 'kind'. But you didn't form Amy kind of relationship with her, or try to understand her or recognise how hard it was for her having already been left by her mother - you just accepted that, and didn't express love to her - while loving the other children. And now all that anger lives in her, you are upset because she has expressed the hurt she has experienced for her entire childhood. It is right that you didn't take a discipline role- but it seems clear that you didn't take a nurturing role either. Yes?
And you have posters on here want you to belive she's just a brat, projecting their own judgement on her.
I've never said I don't understand or sympathise with the situation you found yourself in. I can only assume your pregnancy was unplanned and it would have all been traumatic.
But you have to see that her life would have been far better without you in it - and you didn't recognise or seek to address that, or compensate.
Of course it's not a one way street and damaged people can be very hurtful. I'm saying you need to own your failings- and if you hear that as derogatory or negative - well - they are failings that you don't want to accept. From what you have said I feel sorry for you in that situation- genuinely - and can fully understand how you came to behave as you did. But your situation was a consequence of your adult choices. I feel desperately sorry for your SD because she was just a child and never had any choices.

@Seadad Are you hearing yourself??

Sorry - but you had a 11/12 year old step daughter who didn't want to engage with you or her step siblings, only wanted to spend time with her father and was hostile. That is a sign of a child I distress and OP your response was inadequate.

• Didn't want to engage with OP or step siblings
• Only wanted to spend time with her father
• Was hostile

Those are all signs of a child who wants OP to leave her the fuck alone! On what planet would the correct response to have been to not respect that? Are you a step parent? Because what you are saying makes zero sense at all to anyone with any experience. If the step child gives you strong signals that they want you to back off, you bloody well do it, and if you don't, you would very obviously be called "inadequate" for overstepping and not giving them the space they obviously want. SD may have retrospectively decided that she wanted nurturing by OP but it sure as hell wasn't the signal she was giving out at the time. It would have been very, very odd for OP to respond to the above behaviours by trying to be MORE involved.

Honestly, read back your own summary. What you are saying makes absolutely no sense.

I think you need to step right back OP. She sounds like a very damaged young woman who had her two primary parents let her down spectacularly. Her mum quite literally abandoned her and her father was quite happy to bring his pregnant girlfriend into his daughters house and then have another baby 15 months later when it was clear the situation was already a disaster. She isn't mature enough to realise most of her anger belongs to them although it doesn't sound like you were really able to give her much. At any rate you are going to be the primary target here. I'd apologise and say you did your best and really she should speak to her father as he is her parent and all decisions that were made were HIS. You never overruled him. He moved you in. He had two children in under 2 years. Just keep pointing her back to him.

I'd honestly keep your contact with her minimal and polite. You aren't going to be able to make this better. But I absolutely wouldn't allow her to move back in. You owe your two children an environment that isn't toxic.

@aSofaNearYou "On what planet would the correct response to have been to not respect that?"
On the planet where healthy relationships are formed in a family unit? No - you don't get in someone's face in the moment - of course you give them space- but over weeks and months...and years!... you try to engage and offer friendship, discuss the difficulties she is facing, show understanding, offer to help them, show an interest in their interests, offer to take them somewhere they'd like to go or do something they would enjoy, sit and chat with them and try to ask them about their feelings. Recognise that they feel hostile toward you and offer to talk about it openly.

These are just some ways, starting with baby steps, that you try to engage with and support a child in distress. It really doesn't take a great deal of imagination, does it? But it does take time care and effort which OP was short on.

I suspect from what OP says that she was horrendously busy with other children, exhausted, stressed, unsupported by Dad and unsure where to start, so waited for opportunities to include her in OP's life rather than in SD's life, avoided conflict and let things drift. So that they never formed a relationship. And that isn't usual, isn't normal, isn't healthy, was damaging and left resentment and a bad relationship into adulthood didn't it? So it obviously wasn't the '100% right approach' - and if that makes zero sense to you, I can't help you.

@Seadad Read OPs comments again. She did those things. The SD continued to ignore her and give out strong signals she wanted to be left alone. You are determined to think otherwise.

I am not the one who needs "help" here, you are not the majority on this thread and might want to reflect on that.

I notice you've dodged my questions about your experience of blended families...

@aSofaNearYou - I think it absolutely isn't clear that OP 'did those things' and is here to discuss the resentment of her SD because she didn't, and acknowledges that she didn't- and given reasons at the time why, and what actually happened and what she did do and whether it was adequate on reflection. You have spent the entire post saying its OK that she didn't- so make your mind up!

And in answer to your question- I am a parent, I've had a brief step parent role (2 years) and belonged to two blended families from two marriages into my family home.

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - I think it absolutely isn't clear that OP 'did those things' and is here to discuss the resentment of her SD because she didn't, and acknowledges that she didn't- and given reasons at the time why, and what actually happened and what she did do and whether it was adequate on reflection. You have spent the entire post saying its OK that she didn't- so make your mind up!

And in answer to your question- I am a parent, I've had a brief step parent role (2 years) and belonged to two blended families from two marriages into my family home.[/quote]
OP has expressed surprise that SD feels this way as she gave a very strong impression she wanted OP to leave her alone. She has also talked about trying to maintain a relationship in the face of her hostility, about including her in important events, about doing school runs for her. I don't know about you but I wouldn't be keen on doing school runs for a child who was blanking me and stealing from me. By all accounts it sounds like OP made effort with her despite being treated appallingly, and backed off when she was making it abundantly clear she wanted her to back off.

I think all of the above is more than "adequate" in the face of a child who was hostile to her, stole from her and blanked her by default. Most would have been far less giving and forgiving.

Being a step parent is not like being a parent. It is not a given that when a child lashes out at you, they actually want you to keep pushing and pull them closer. A lot of the time, they actually want you gone. Everything OP has described about this girl's behaviour sends that message very strongly. The fact that she's changed her mind now doesn't mean she actually has a valid complaint. OP was wise to respect her actual feelings at the time.

Some excellent posts Seadad!

The reason my relationship with my stepmother improved was precisely because she didn't force herself on me, she recognized that I was hurting, and she gave me time and space to recover. As I said I never felt quite 'at home' again but enough to feel 'good'.

@Seadad
Thank you for your comments. I believe I have recognised my own failings, well hopefully I have and I have tried to address these.
Again you make judgements and negative presumptions about me - stating that my pregnancy was unplanned which it wasn't. I had been in a relationship with my partner (now husband) and known his daughter for two years prior to moving in and having my son. It wasn't a sudden, traumatic and rushed thrown together family. I think your comments about having instant love for a SD are profoundly naive. This was a 12/13 year old girl who had been brought up by her dad and au-pairs. Her relationship with her father was very intense and she was always visibly jealous of me if I even held his hand or sat next to him and that was before I moved in. When I moved in she saw me essentially as another au pair and I used to hear her complaining to her dad about how I hadn't done a good enough job of cleaning up etc and unfortunately he wouldn't challenge her on this and me not wanting to discipline her wouldn't either. She could be very unkind about me and often essentially seemed to look down her nose at me. When I would question her about the disappearance of my things she would lie to me and show no signs of remorse. She never presented any signs of distress. I'm not sure how sitting down with her and saying 'why are you so hostile to me and stealing things from me, let's go and see your pony together?' would have really helped this situation?? And yet over time I think we have developed a much better relationship - until obviously recent events. Unfortunately when her father is around she is still very different and shows a lot of jealousy toward my children when he hugs them etc but perhaps counselling may help her with these emotions.

I do think your comments show a very judgemental naive attitude which seems to presume that stepparents should be some kind of inherent childhood counsellors whilst also suggesting that just because someone is an adult that they should be immune to the negative effects of a child's behaviour. This shows a real lack of understanding of mental wellbeing.

Her dad is the problem, did he talk to her about her about her jealously and reassure her when he got a girlfriend, then making sure she was happy enough for you to move in (making sure she was happy and he was clear with moving his life on), then making sure there were boundaries on behaviour.
You would have been able to build a respectful relationship together if he had stepped up to support his DD.

@aSofaNearYou - I think what you describe is at the very heart of things! Others have commented that including her in the wedding plans was not a particularly good example- somewhat insensitive and all about OP, not SD. And doing the school run is not exactly going to be experienced a nurturing activity either.
If OP has examples then it would really be worth reflecting on those with her SD - discussing the efforts made and the attempts to offer love and support. My interpretation of what OP has said is that there aren't very many examples and the ones given don't really show 'more than adequate' - the wedding being insensitive, and the school run being perfunctory.

The OP reflects herself that she could have done more, and behaved differently. But perhaps there were genuine efforts and, if true, SD should be willing to acknowledge those times and her response, and find a mutual understanding of where things went wrong.

But what you've defended as 'more than adequate' really isn't. You think it is - I think it isn't. I can give you many reasons why I think it isn't enough, why becoming a step parent is a major undertaking and why no-one should expect to just set off as a happy family without a lot of foundation building.

Step parents don't get a let off because they aren't the biological parent. Of course it's a different relationship, but it requires no less care, attention, nurturing, teeth grinding, patience and effort.

The Dad has a lot to answer for, for sure! I'm not sure where to start! But it's OP that is now suffering the hostility of SD - much of which lets him off the hook!

I suspect that if OPs efforts had been more than adequate, she wouldn't be here. She would have been able to reflect back on all those times she attempted to engage and forge a better relationship, and SD would remember her inability to reciprocate.

My advice remains the same - OP needs to recognise and be open about the failings she made, validate the emotional hurt that her SD experienced from not being loved like the other children, and find a mutual understanding of the difficulties they both faced.

@altiara - agree 100% with you there!

@Starofandroneda

1. I know you don't want to hear this (you've repeatedly avoided the point) but your husband is the problem here. He allowed a 12 year old child to walk all over you and treat you like a servant.

2. read this link. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4177035-Uninvited-to-family-wedding

@Seadad When you say others have commented on including her in the wedding being insensitive, you mean you and one other poster (Terry), because it's absolute bullshit. What is insensitive about including her in her wedding? What would you say if OP had said she DIDN'T include her in her wedding? Lord give me strength.

I would love to know what you thought about OPs latest post detailing what her SD was actually like, her strange attitudes about women and au pair's, her stealing and her attitude around it. Because tbh, she sounds like an absolute piece of work. Like hell would I have done half of the things OP did for her, and I don't think many would. You are completely ignoring the fact that OP WAS showing a great deal of patience and teeth grinding - by following her very strong, hostile signals and backing off, leading to very little support from her husband with their younger children, something not many would do. This was done FOR HER BENEFIT. Not to avoid her. It was a direct response to what she wanted.

You are clearly just one of those people with delusional ideas about what step parenting is. It absolutely does entail less than being a parent, and as many people more experienced than you have said on this thread, it often does include backing off completely. Additionally, school runs are NOT the job of step parents and are a big favour. Yes SD wouldn't recognise that, but any rational adult should. It's obvious that nothing OP could have done would be enough for you because you have dismissed the many kindness' she did out of hand.

Tbh I'm absolutely sick of talking to you and your horrible, judgemental, apologist attitude at this point and hopefully if I stop doing so, you'll stop giving OP grief.

I appreciate your response @starofandromeda - and the more you reveal the clearer it becomes that her Dad is very largely responsible for what unfolded. I'm surprised that you planned your pregnancy, and to move in together, when his daughter was so fragile and jealous.
As for "I'm not sure how sitting down with her and saying 'why are you so hostile to me and stealing things from me, let's go and see your pony together? would have really helped this situation??" - I genuinely and honestly think it would have helped - but there you go.
I really don't mean to underestimate the impact of children's behaviour on adults, which can be extremely painful. But as has been said before- she was a child with a traumatic history and needed more, not less, support and love. And yes - step parents should take their role seriously- and be prepared to develop parenting skills, and develop a thick skin like biological parents, and do the best they can.
It's a shame if you thought you had a better relationship with her eventually and this feels like regression. And certainly counselling will help her.
But I'll just keep saying that unless you can acknowledge that you failed to develop a relationship with your SD and that there are things you might have done differently (not to mention her father) then I don't think this can be repaired. It sounds like an incredibly difficult environment all round.
All the times you did attempt to forge a relationship, all the times you tried to support or help her, or offer love, or affection, or sympathy or understanding, all the times you tried to level with her and find a mutual appreciation- every one of those times count - and should count with SD too.
I don't have anything more to add. Good luck OP.

@Marjoriedrawers No I did see the link thank you , I haven't had chance to read it but I will do later. Thank you. Yes I don't necessarily disagree about my husband.
@aSofaNearYou Thank you for sticking up for me. It's been a difficult journey but I'm glad there are people on here like yourself who seem to understand and have a more grounded less judgemental perspective.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you for sticking up for me. It's been a difficult journey but I'm glad there are people on here like yourself who seem to understand and have a more grounded less judgemental perspective.

No problem OP. I really feel for you here. It's very obvious you've been very patient and tolerant of your SD and are dealing with someone whose feelings are not exactly rational right now. Some people on here have a strong feeling of sympathy towards step children and their plight, which is fair enough, but they seem incapable of looking beyond that to apply actual logic or reason to the behaviour of those around them, such as yourself.

You've done the right thing letting her say her piece and hearing her out, but I really wouldn't dwell on it anymore. Just leave her to slowly grow up. It's your DH that needs tackling!

@aSofaNearYou - I could explain in detail why the wedding of her father to OP is somewhat insensitive - but let's just say was probably the very last thing she wanted to happen. It might be erceived as horrible an judgemental to offer a full explanation. I've not been horrible at all - (and I can be when provoked). I've also met and known horrid children- I've not met one who received the love they needed, or who could not have been helped to relate better with more support at the right time.

And step parents really don't get to opt out of ever doing the school run because 'it's not their job' and it's not a 'big favour' - but we seem to disagree on most aspects of parenting.

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - I could explain in detail why the wedding of her father to OP is somewhat insensitive - but let's just say was probably the very last thing she wanted to happen. It might be erceived as horrible an judgemental to offer a full explanation. I've not been horrible at all - (and I can be when provoked). I've also met and known horrid children- I've not met one who received the love they needed, or who could not have been helped to relate better with more support at the right time.

And step parents really don't get to opt out of ever doing the school run because 'it's not their job' and it's not a 'big favour' - but we seem to disagree on most aspects of parenting.[/quote]
The wedding was happening regardless. Are you genuinely saying that step parents should take care NOT to include their step children in their weddings, because it's insensitive? Never heard that one before. Generally there is enormous pressure for them to be front and centre.

Step parents "really don't get to opt out" of school runs? Are you having a laugh? 😂 Step parents have to be asked if they are willing to opt IN to school runs, because they are not their responsibility at all. Being a step parent is not the same thing as parenting. You need as big a reality check as OPs SD.

@aSofaNearYou - um - it's insensitive as an example of how you made someone feel included and involved when it is something that would permanently negatively their lives - as something they were welcomed to celebrate! Of course that doesn't mean they should be excluded - you are just being obtuse! It means that if you are looking for examples of how you tried to bond with someone- find another example!

I'd love you to tell more Mumsnetters that step father's can opt out of having to do the school run for their children because it's not their responsibility- and that's just reality. Is there anything that step parents can reasonably be expected to do with step children - or is it more of a title than a job?

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - um - it's insensitive as an example of how you made someone feel included and involved when it is something that would permanently negatively their lives - as something they were welcomed to celebrate! Of course that doesn't mean they should be excluded - you are just being obtuse! It means that if you are looking for examples of how you tried to bond with someone- find another example!

I'd love you to tell more Mumsnetters that step father's can opt out of having to do the school run for their children because it's not their responsibility- and that's just reality. Is there anything that step parents can reasonably be expected to do with step children - or is it more of a title than a job?[/quote]
Not really, OP was demonstrating that she had included her in all major events, it's a direct response to her saying she felt excluded. I am not being obtuse in the slightest. YOU are the one trying to twist perfectly normal, logical responses to suit your own very blatant bias.

I do tell Mumsnetters that all the time, actually. Step parents can reasonably be expected to be kind and non obstructive to their step children. Anything else, they cannot be "expected" to do, no, they need to be asked and the favour appreciated by their spouse. Yes it is more of a title than a job. It just means you are married to a parent.

@Seadad

You don't have enough experience of being a step-parent to make the rules for other people. I'll tell you this for free - if the Dad doesn't step up, set boundaries, instill discipline and respect, then you will be climbing Mount Everest daily to make the tiniest bit of forward progress with your stepkids.

Speaking as both a stepchild and a stepmother.

@SpaceshiptoMars - totally agree!