Stepdaughter help please!

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

@starofandromeda

I think things have spiralled into "could have, should have" past judgements on this thread which is all very well with hindsight and not being in the thick of it emotionally.

I believe the reason you started this thread was to look for ways to move forward with your blended family.

I believe you still have time to mend and move on with your DSD and have a more nurturing role in her life. It's not going to be easy and I think you'll face quite a lot of anger still coming your way from her.

As I said before she's angry at all three parental figures in her life but she can't dare let that anger out at Mum and Dad because she's scared they will abandon her again. You are an easy target because you are representing the trauma she's carrying from her childhood towards the adults in her life.

If you can flip the way you perceive her inside your head and recognise her anger as pain. Try to imagine one of your bio children in pain and how even if they acted badly because of the pain you'd still want to gather them up and hold them till they felt better.

I do think therapy - individual and group would be a good way forward but I also think you will help her, and her relationship with her siblings and you by being a patient, nurturing and kind to her especially in the face of her anger and pain.

@cabingirl
Thank you for your reply that is all very helpful. I have mentioned counselling to her and said that I would be happy to go with her. I think it may turn out to be a good thing that this has happened as it has helped her express all of her anger rather than internalising it. However I do think her anger tipped over into bullying recently which hopefully is something counselling would help her with.
I think the fact that we haven't spoken over the last few weeks since arguing has made her realise that she does actually want to have a more normal relationship now with me and the children. She has a lovely boyfriend who has a good relationship with his half sister and I don't think he can understand why she doesn't have a better relationship with hers. Unfortunately this is something she blames me for too... However this is something easily fixed, they are still young and she can easily build a relationship with them now.

I am going to take all of your advice and fingers crossed things will start to be be better for the future. Thank you

I haven't rtft, but just one thing I would like to say, as both a mum and step-mum, is that 21 year olds are often very opinionated and idealistic when looking at the behaviour of the adults around them. Life tends to come along and knock that out of them as their 20s progress and they face into complicated decisions and realise that hindsight is a great thing. It is tough when you are in the midst of dealing with it

Best of luck OP, I really hope things improve!

aSofaNearYou Thank you! And thanks for your help too x

@Larabananas - thank you too x

Op I haven't read all the replies but I think you've been very badly let down by your husband. As I have step parents myself, I understand first hand the sensitivities and vulnerabilities involved but believe your husband should have nipped her, frankly appalling, behaviour in the bud years ago.

There's a difference between respecting the child in this situation and not teaching them to behave with respect.

We really can't comment on your failings in this situation as we don't have details but it sounds like you've done your utmost and been treated very badly. I have enormous admiration for how you've handled it.

My advice now is don't be a doormat.

Massive dh problem. The girl sending abusive messages about how your efforts in the house aren’t good enough is outrageous! What is she doing to help? Her dad has let her be hostile and abusive. I don’t think her moving back in is ideal. Yes, it’s her house, but if she going to hostile, abusive and unhelpful, she can move out.

I agree with everything @Potentialscroogeincognito said.

What does her father say? I cant imagine how tough this has been for you @starofandromeda. You sound lovely but no way would i be having an adult child speak to me like that. Stay strong!

There is no manual on how to be a good step parent, just advice forums. I met my widowed now husband when his little boy was 8 and he had always had his dad to himself. I was met with hostility, nastiness, downright surprisingly cruel comments from an 8 year old. It was hard. I felt like giving up many times. I stuck it out, swallowed my hurt and we worked together to give our boy the best childhood. We love each other to bits now, I’m a proud step mummy. However, I think it’s the partnership with your husband that has not been there to ensure a good transition. This relationship has never been allowed to develop and improve as there is no buy in from dad. Instead of pushing her away and being angry, she has been honest and opened up lines of communication long buried. Take this opportunity to apologise, along with your husband and also allow her to see that maybe her behaviour made you put up barriers. She is an adult now and maybe, just maybe you could be friends? It is very very hard being a step parent to a hostile child xx

Your husband is effectively colluding with her and deep down they both secretly consider you as a kind of au pair or housekeeper. Your husband is the problem.

@SunflowerTed Sounds like you've coped amazingly well and I'm sure your son appreciates everything you've done for him now.
Yes I think it's good that she's been honest and she obviously feels better for having vented at me as she has declined my offer of going for any counselling together at present.

I do feel to some extent that her blaming me for her lack of relationship with myself and the children perhaps fits her own narrative and is a bit more socially acceptable than her saying she never wanted us in the house but now she realises she would actually quite like to have a normal relationship. Like I said she never showed any signs of wanting a relationship with any of us, she would hardly speak to or interact with the children. When I had counselling previously it was generally suggested I should allow relationships to develop at her rate in her own time, particularly with the children and not force things. I think it is only due to her current boyfriend and his close relationship with his half siblings that has encouraged her to be more proactive with the kids and look to blame someone for her lack of relationship with them.
Anyway it doesn't matter the reasoning now as long as things improve for the future. And like I said they had already improved a lot so I'm sure we can get back to that stage!

I agree my husband hasn't been supportive. I won't go in to details but there were times for instance when my SD was taking things from me and his advice was 'hide your things so she can't find them' That is just one example..... She was the apple of his eye and he couldn't see or accept any suggestion that her behaviour was unacceptable. He used to blame it on the fact she was brought up by au pairs (some of whom actually left as they couldn't cope with her) I was too exhausted with young children and overwhelmed with my SD's behaviour to really comprehend everything what was going on. But I'm not now. I've told my SD that I want us all to have a better relationship but that I thought some of her recent messages were bullying. I think I'm a lot stronger now and will be able to assert myself more and at least she feels listened to and has had her feelings validated as people mention so fingers crossed.....

@Seadad

I think that what is missing from your account is an appreciation that, at a very vulnerable age when she needed support and nurturing (not least from another female) - you entered and turned her life upside down. You took her father's attention (after being left by her mother) - introduced babies to her home, and shared her space while 'withdrawing' - avoiding a relationship with her to focus on her father and your children. You need to remember she was 12 when this happened - and you were the adult. Of course she carries resentment- how would you feel? I think you need to acknowledge that 'not being unkind' doesn't mean your moving into her home and her life was not distressing for her. You then failed to develop a relationship where she could see you as supportive, caring or nurturing, leaving her father to divide himself between you. I know you think you've done nothing wrong - but that is the defence of absent fathers- you haven't done the right thing either, and for children that counts. It's about time you recognised what happened to her childhood, her home and her life because of your relationship with her father and see if there are ways to make up for your part. As an adult she is wrong to have been so hostile to you - but that is the anger and resentment that she has felt since childhood. Perhaps if you can acknowledge the mistakes you did make and apologise- she might see things from your perspective too. You've left it a bit late - but it isn't impossible to build a better relationship if you are both willing?

As a step parent, step child and partner of someone who is a step parent I completely agree.

It's not about who is right or wrong, it's an acknowledgment that it was a difficult time for everyone. However the child is the only one who doesn't at the time have the same choices as adults.

to presume that stepparents should be some kind of inherent childhood counsellors

I dont think anyone thinks that. I think people rightly assume that you, as the adult, should realise the life changing repercussions of a new relationship on a child. You altered her life because of your own desires. She had no say. When you enter a relationship with someone who has kids, you also enter into a relationship with the kids as they are a family unit. But the kids don't get to choose whether they want that relationship or not. I imagine if the fit isn't right then a great deal of hostility will be generated. You imposed your will on her (your relationship with her father), I think I'd be irritated by that too. Chikdren are so choiceless.

For your own sanity do not have her back in your home. You've got at least 2 other adults, her and her father that could have lent a hand with the tidying. You are not the hired help to be given a dressing down because your work is not up to standard. Family counselling is all very well but you need to be respected.

[quote starofandromeda]@SunflowerTed Sounds like you've coped amazingly well and I'm sure your son appreciates everything you've done for him now.
Yes I think it's good that she's been honest and she obviously feels better for having vented at me as she has declined my offer of going for any counselling together at present.

I do feel to some extent that her blaming me for her lack of relationship with myself and the children perhaps fits her own narrative and is a bit more socially acceptable than her saying she never wanted us in the house but now she realises she would actually quite like to have a normal relationship. Like I said she never showed any signs of wanting a relationship with any of us, she would hardly speak to or interact with the children. When I had counselling previously it was generally suggested I should allow relationships to develop at her rate in her own time, particularly with the children and not force things. I think it is only due to her current boyfriend and his close relationship with his half siblings that has encouraged her to be more proactive with the kids and look to blame someone for her lack of relationship with them.
Anyway it doesn't matter the reasoning now as long as things improve for the future. And like I said they had already improved a lot so I'm sure we can get back to that stage!

I agree my husband hasn't been supportive. I won't go in to details but there were times for instance when my SD was taking things from me and his advice was 'hide your things so she can't find them' That is just one example..... She was the apple of his eye and he couldn't see or accept any suggestion that her behaviour was unacceptable. He used to blame it on the fact she was brought up by au pairs (some of whom actually left as they couldn't cope with her) I was too exhausted with young children and overwhelmed with my SD's behaviour to really comprehend everything what was going on. But I'm not now. I've told my SD that I want us all to have a better relationship but that I thought some of her recent messages were bullying. I think I'm a lot stronger now and will be able to assert myself more and at least she feels listened to and has had her feelings validated as people mention so fingers crossed.....[/quote]
Some of the comments on this thread have been excessively harsh, with people being extremely judgemental. How to kick somebody when they’re down!? Unless you have been a step-parent yourself you don’t realise how difficult it is to build a relationship with a child who is openly hostile, who doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you there. How can love develop when you have to swallow your pride and feel hurt and inadequate?With grandparents judging you and you feeling that you can measure up to the childs mother?. Having no parenting experience and relying on your instincts and how you were brought up? step parents aren’t counsellors they just happen to have fallen in love with the dad\mother and don’t realise how hard it is to get into the psyche of a young child that they are getting to know
To those who thought OP shouldn’t marry and have her own babies? Why not? Why can’t she have the life she wants for fear of upsetting an already hostile child more? OP I can imagine how frustrating and how upset you are that she has been so mean to you. Again, I think honesty on both sides could really move the relationship forward. Maybe write her a letter - It’s how to do this without dredging everything up from the past but maybe just explaining things nicely and that you would love to have a better relationship.. I wish you and your family the best. As I said, I adore my stepson it’s been very hard but we have.a great relationship,now x

This is a Dad/Husband issue. He needed to assist the pair of you and show how even though non-bio, you could have some compatibility and like-minds. He’s allowed his daughter to form an unfair and inaccurate picture of you through lack of guidance. Her thoughts needed shepherding and your attributes highlighting.

Where was/is his voice of reason?