Stepdaughter help please!

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

You should reflect on who has the power, who has the maturity and who has the responsibility in a Child/Parent relationship.

@Seadad Didn't the Dad really have the maturity and the responsibility in the Child/Parent relationship though?

I know you think some of us are being emotionally unintelligent, but it's really the Dad (and the Mum) who have caused this situation, not the OP.

I'm not a step-parent myself, but I know a few who have great relationships with their step-children. None of them are parental figures, the biological parents do the real parenting and they are more like aunts or uncles.

1. Serious talk with husband. She’s said her piece and you have graciously apologised for her opinion of your behaviour. He backs you up and enforces general niceties and no rudeness - she cannot continue to treat you like this.

1. She does not get to be rude to her half siblings - end of conversation. Husband needs to remind her she is an adult and that if she wants to wail on about how badly she’s been treated she needs to have a long hard look at her own behaviour to her half siblings and how much damage she is causing them.

1. She does not get to treat the house like hotel and do fuck all. She’s a grown up now. Don’t like it, go to mums or back to uni.

1. Husband starts sorting this out or I’m sorry to say it’s probably the end of your relationship also, what a wet lettuce to let his daughter behave like that. Would give me the ick.

1. Any more abusive messages like that then she’s gone. A swift reminder about the fact you work and run a household and care for younger siblings whilst she’s done nothing. A non starter if that carries on. And is she 5? She wants to invite friends round for a play date. Get your own place then or go to a park/ bar/ restaurant/ pub or someone else’s place.

I don’t mean to be unkind OP, but you need to take responsibility for protecting your child from not only her behaviour, but from living in what I’m sure is not a great atmosphere. Does your husband class their happiness as well as yours below that of his daughter?

I say this all as having divorced parents young and having to navigate step parents etc. I was vile sometimes and I was pulled up on it immediately. Nothing gives anyone the right to be purposefully rude, aggressive and generally unpleasant to anyone else. Especially not to an adult who is providing care. Any failings for what happened as a kid land squarely with her father. And she’s now an adult. Not a child.

This is why we have ended up with a generation of lots of pandered to snowflakes because they get away with this frankly appalling behaviour at home.

[quote starofandromeda]@GreyCarpet
Yes I have already done that, that's what I did yesterday. I suggested we all met after no one else had done. I have written above what I said but I let her talk and I apologised for everything I've done wrong. To be honest I've had a bit of a verbal battering and I feel I'm getting that a bit on here too from some people. I'm going to suggest having therapy with her. She is a strong confident, outspoken person, she doesn't hold back in what she thinks of me so it isn't easy to hear but I am willing to go through with counselling if I think it will help her. Thank you for your posts[/quote]
How did she respond?

I think the mistake here was suggesting you all meet.

I think it needs to he you and her. Two women. Not including anyone else. Not her boyfriend; not her dad; not her mum (or whoever all encompassed). The two of you.

Putting myself in her shoes, I would respond better to that than feeling i was being ganged up on and sidelined.

She's lashing out because she is still a vulnerable little girl inside that gobby 21 year old body.

The message she sent about not being able to bring friends back and criticising your housework? That wasn't a well adjusted 21 year old speaking, that was the frightened and hurt little girl who still doesn't know her place within the family.

@Seadad

It's not about blame - *@aSofaNearYou* - and OP has not been berated - but it has been pointed out by me and others that she doesn't fully appreciate the harm she caused. It's about recognising that the relationship went wrong when one person was an ADULT and the other was a CHILD. You should reflect on who has the power, who has the maturity and who has the responsibility in a Child/Parent relationship. OP wasn't 'awful' and I sympathise with her circumstances- but she absolutely did the wrong thing in avoiding any meaningful relationship with a child she was a step mother to. She has said she was indifferent and she didn't persevere with the things that matter - trust, affection, interest , support, engagement, understanding. All that parent stuff! Children can be difficult- it doesn't make walking away OK. You can't objectively say it's OK as a step parent to opt out - while giving such things to other children in the same household. Anyone can understand how and why - but it's not OK.

We are reading a totally different thread. From what OP has said she did not avoid a meaningful relationship with her, she tried hard to forge one, did a great deal for her, and it was firmly rejected at each point. OP feels she always did include her, and tried with her, but the avoidance and ignoring came from SD, not her. I would love for you to quote me where OP has apparently gone out of her way to avoid a relationship with her. I see no evidence that OP did not act in a mature way, or actively caused any harm. The SD may FEEL harm, but it wasn't actually caused by OP from her account here.

I can absolutely 100% say it is acceptable for a SP to withdraw. In the face of the SC being openly hostile and ignoring them this is not only the only thing they can do (again, what was she supposed to do, follow her around until she spoke to her? Can anybody answer that queation?), but it is also recommended for the sake of the child not only a great deal on this forum, but also by the sounds of things by professionals. "They want a relationship with their parent, give them that space, don't overstep" are all common, firm messages sent to step parents whose step children make it clear they don't want them around.

It's been conveniently glossed over that SD also stole from OP habitually. So this child was openly hostile to her, continuously ignored her, stole from her, and OP continued to do school lifts, make efforts to include her in all aspects of her wedding, made a conscious effort to ensure the children she had with their father did not take up any of his time with her, overburdening herself in the process, and generally spent years mulling over this issue and feeling deeply concerned by it. And yet I'm supposed to objectively deduce that she was indifferent and immature? I think that's absolutely farcical!

@Cameleongirl

You should reflect on who has the power, who has the maturity and who has the responsibility in a Child/Parent relationship.

@Seadad Didn't the Dad really have the maturity and the responsibility in the Child/Parent relationship though?

I know you think some of us are being emotionally unintelligent, but it's really the Dad (and the Mum) who have caused this situation, not the OP.

I'm not a step-parent myself, but I know a few who have great relationships with their step-children. None of them are parental figures, the biological parents do the real parenting and they are more like aunts or uncles.

That is true. It is the parents who have caused it but the dad doesn't see an issue and the mum isn't directly in the picture.

If the OP wants to improve her relationship with her stepdaughter, that needs to come from her and away from anyone else. That's the only dynamic she has any hope of changing.

@GreyCarpet I agree, but some posters seem to think she's responsible for the whole unhappy situation. She's clearly not.

As you say, she can only focus on her relationship with her SD going forward. The actual parents don't sound bothered.

aSofaNearYou

The point is that the OP doesn't want to continue like this. Whatever the wrongs of the past, if she wants to at least try and improve things going forwards, that has to come from her.

Being able to identify who started it is great but pointing the finger isn't going to resolve things now.

@GreyCarpet

aSofaNearYou

The point is that the OP doesn't want to continue like this. Whatever the wrongs of the past, if she wants to at least try and improve things going forwards, that has to come from her.

Being able to identify who started it is great but pointing the finger isn't going to resolve things now.

I know that, I even said similar to your sentiment in my initial comments. My recent comments have been specifically in response to the school of posters who have been very firmly laying blame at OPs door that I don't think is at all justified

aSofaNearYou

Ah sorry! Missed that! 🙈

I am a stepdaughter; my mother died when I was young and my dad later remarried which resulted in another sibling. Do you know what? I felt traumatized because my mum had abandoned me by dying, my home was taken over by another woman and some of mum's things put away, and then they went and had another baby. Why couldn't we just go on as we were? why did I have to come home after school to a totally different house (it was to me)why did the bloody baby get all the attention, why was my room no longer mine once the bloody baby could walk and come in and take/ruin my things, why was the bloody baby ALWAYS right and me ALWAYS wrong?

When I was being a moody teen why did they coo over the bloody baby?
I'm sure you can see what is going on, can't you? Eventually it did get better, but truthfully I never really felt at home in the same way as I had when mum was alive. BUT my stepmother left the discipline to my dad, she left the talks to my dad, and she treated both my sibling and me fairly. She always tried, she didn't interfere, and I have to say I did grow to love her.
She was good for my dad as was my sibling, and in the end I appreciated what she had done.
In your SD is the frightened little girl, she lost her mum, her dad is no longer 100% hers, and she has to compete with, what I am sure are, two sweet little kids.
It might not make much sense, but that is how she feels. She probably is still angry with her mum too, so who does she rely on, and who is going to make that little girl feel better? I know she is 21 but inside she is still angry.

@Cameleongirl - yes - ive already said I think it was stupid to rush into living together before any relationship had begun. The Dad absolutely had a responsibility to his daughter, and to his pregnant partner, to make it work.

Only the OP knows the reasons why he didn't intervene to say that OP needed a healthy relationship with his daughter- or intervene to support his DD in coming to terms with the changes in their lives - I can only begin to imagine! But the relationship between step parent and child can't be forced on either side and it should have been a red flag to both parents that it wasn't happening. I'm not sure what relationship or influence SD's Mother might have had, was she even in the picture?
And as for the OP and the cause? Well moving into the home was bound to be destabilising for SD - and both OP and Dad were responsible for anticipating and responding to a negative reaction to make things right.

@aSofaNearYou - are you a parent? - because I suspect not. But you are right that we view the early years of OP's relationship with SD as described totally differently. Although of course - so does SD, and OP has been mature enough to recognise her failings. No one thinks SD is an angel - and most posters recognise the distress and anger from childhood trauma.
Oh - and it really isn't '100% acceptable' to withdraw from children in distress - the exact opposite in fact.

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - are you a parent? - because I suspect not. But you are right that we view the early years of OP's relationship with SD as described totally differently. Although of course - so does SD, and OP has been mature enough to recognise her failings. No one thinks SD is an angel - and most posters recognise the distress and anger from childhood trauma.
Oh - and it really isn't '100% acceptable' to withdraw from children in distress - the exact opposite in fact.[/quote]
Yes, I am a parent and a step parent. Are you a step parent? There's no "oh" about it as if you're about to lay down some truth I haven't done my homework on. It IS acceptable to withdraw (which from OPs description is not what she did, she was not fully withdrawn at all) from a step child that is outwardly hostile and giving every indication they want to be left alone with their parent. Advisable, in fact. She gave every sign that her "distress" was OP being there, not the desire to have more from her. OP took the right course of action based on the child's behaviour. If she turned around at 21 and it turned out she was distressed by her step mother inserting herself into everything during her childhood, OP would be equally condemned by posters like you on here.

Unlike with parents, often what the SC want is for step parents to be around less, not more. It presents a unique situation where stepping back is often needed, where it would not be with an actual parent.

@aSofaNearYou - yes - I know that parents, and certainly step parents, can't do right for doing wrong - but in this case, SD has said she didn't involve herself, wasn't there for her, didn't persevere. It's a total red flag to have a DD hostile and SM withdraw and for noone to see that problems needed to be addressed much sooner. There are reasons for sure - but SD was let down by the parents in her life and there is no escaping that.

@LoislovesStewie Thank you that is actually very helpful to read your experience. I did the same with my stepdaughter, I left the discipline to her dad as I thought she would dislike me even more if I started disciplining her about things. The last few months we have got on massively better. We planned her dads 50th secret birthday party together and were getting on really well, I really thought things were on the right track for the future. One of the reasons her messages to me hit me so hard I think as I thought things had progressed so far. Hopefully we will get back to this stage again. I'm going to message her now about some counselling.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you for your comments. Yes I did have to withdraw to some extent, I am not made of stone, there was only a certain amount of her hostility I could take especially when I was so exhausted with a baby and lack of support from my husband, otherwise I wouldn't have coped mentally. And as I mentioned all she really wanted was her dad and time with her dad so I tried to actually facilitate that by taking myself and my son out of the way. Which is why it all comes as a slight shock now all this resentment that she has because she didn't ever show any sign of wanting a relationship with me or the children. She actually seemed to really dislike us all! Had she ever showed signs of wanting this I of course would have been more forthcoming. But as people say anger hides many different feelings and emotions.

@GreyCarpet - thank you, it was hard as I mentioned. Yes I had wanted to all talk together but actually it ended up just me and her. Essentially it was her ranting at me but I let her get it off her chest and I think she felt better for it.

@seadad I hope you are not a counsellor as you make so many presumptions about me which are mostly untrue. Yes I withdrew to some extent but I did persevere. I am still here after all, I sought counselling, I am writing on this site in order to understand and help improve my relationship with her. I would never 'opt out' as you say, nor suggest that she leave the family home and I never did, despite how hard things were and despite the fact that her mother lived round the corner. I think it's shame you speak in such derogatory terms and so judgementally when all I have given is such a short synopsis of the situation.

So you never really had a good relationship with her. I think it strange that you let this dynamic go on for so long. You have a DH problem.

[quote starofandromeda]@LoislovesStewie Thank you that is actually very helpful to read your experience. I did the same with my stepdaughter, I left the discipline to her dad as I thought she would dislike me even more if I started disciplining her about things. The last few months we have got on massively better. We planned her dads 50th secret birthday party together and were getting on really well, I really thought things were on the right track for the future. One of the reasons her messages to me hit me so hard I think as I thought things had progressed so far. Hopefully we will get back to this stage again. I'm going to message her now about some counselling.

@aSofaNearYou Thank you for your comments. Yes I did have to withdraw to some extent, I am not made of stone, there was only a certain amount of her hostility I could take especially when I was so exhausted with a baby and lack of support from my husband, otherwise I wouldn't have coped mentally. And as I mentioned all she really wanted was her dad and time with her dad so I tried to actually facilitate that by taking myself and my son out of the way. Which is why it all comes as a slight shock now all this resentment that she has because she didn't ever show any sign of wanting a relationship with me or the children. She actually seemed to really dislike us all! Had she ever showed signs of wanting this I of course would have been more forthcoming. But as people say anger hides many different feelings and emotions.

@GreyCarpet - thank you, it was hard as I mentioned. Yes I had wanted to all talk together but actually it ended up just me and her. Essentially it was her ranting at me but I let her get it off her chest and I think she felt better for it.[/quote]
You have no idea how similar that sounds to Rosemary and her SD in the thread Uninvited to family wedding. The SD on that one even had her stepmother help her choose a wedding dress before deciding to tell her how she'd never treated her fairly, always left her out and wanted her dad to divorce her.

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - yes - I know that parents, and certainly step parents, can't do right for doing wrong - but in this case, SD has said she didn't involve herself, wasn't there for her, didn't persevere. It's a total red flag to have a DD hostile and SM withdraw and for noone to see that problems needed to be addressed much sooner. There are reasons for sure - but SD was let down by the parents in her life and there is no escaping that.[/quote]
And OP has said she tried to involve herself and be there for her but was rebuffed. She could be lying but as so many have said, she was the adult. She's more likely to remember accurately. To me, it sounds like a classic case of a young adult not yet comprehending the reality of their childhood behaviour. She will need to slowly come to grips with that, and how little options she left her step mother, as she progresses into adulthood. But OP has already apologised for any hurt she has caused, in light of what actually went on, she doesn't need to grovel further. I completely disagree that she let her down. Her father, maybe, but OP did all she could within the confines of her role.

@starofandromeda I'm so sorry to read things have turned out this way. While you're here posting to ask for help, I don't think it's in your gift to solve this. Your SD was plainly impacted by her Mother abandoning her, and the changes in her life that followed. Her key relationship changed, she no longer had this very intimate relationship 1-2-1 with her Father upon which she likely relied very heavily emotionally. This was clearly hard for her. We all carry baggage, and I'm sure can understand the scars being abandoned could cause & the fear of losing the parent we have left. Like any child trying to deal with more than they can cope with (particularly a hormonal pre-teen) she found a child's solution, i.e. finding someone to blame (that's where you come in). Her Father could have picked up on this, and worked with his daughter to ease her through the transition, maybe she needed more help, perhaps more than he knew how to offer? Maybe, he didn't realize, maybe he did but didn't want to admit to himself she was finding it hard. Maybe he worried it would risk your relationship? We don't know. She is now an adult, who is effectively ''stuck'' as a child in this part of her life. You are a comfortable target for that angst, which sounds like it's built up for years (sucks to be a mother!) for the simple reason she has nothing to lose with you as you aren't emotionally involved. In short this isn't about what you did, or did not do over the years. Even so, I think you were right to acknowledge her feelings and apologize. This doesn't mean you are to ''blame''. It wasn't for you to become her ''Mum'' and who is to say trying would have made any difference?

I think all you can do is encourage her Father to work through how she feels about these changes in her childhood with her. For your own sanity try and remember that while she's 21 what you're seeing is the angry child who didn't get what they needed.. hard as it may be, it's not personal. Even though I absolutely must feel it is. Counselling is a very good idea.

Sorry last sentence should say ''even though IT must absolutely feel it is''

Can't type!!

I wouldn’t be hoping to improve this relationship. Your step daughter has treat you and your children terribly. She already sounds like a self entitled brat so any more bending to her needs would do more damage than good.

She needs to learn some boundaries and respect. I speak with experience, my mother left when I was young and had a step mum who’s wasn’t too pleasant. I would never have behaved this way. Because it’s life, shit happens. It doesn’t give her the right to treat you and your innocent children badly. It’s not your fault her mum left.

@pinkyxx thank you that is very insightful and helpful x

This

OP have a search for that thread

Sorry I mean @Marjoriedrawers ‘s comment