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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stepdaughter help please!

142 replies

starofandromeda · 29/09/2021 23:16

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

OP posts:
HappyMeal564 · 30/09/2021 15:30

I think your husband should have definitely done more to sort this.

I also get the impression neither of you are too keen on each other. Her being like that is ridiculous, and your comments about being too exhausted and thinking you've done your best despite being an introvert suggest you may have been quiet/stand offish

Original poster
starofandromeda · 30/09/2021 15:32

@YetAnotherSpartacus
I don't think I need it pointing out that my SD was a child. However I think your posts are unhelpful, not to mention very judgmental and I'm looking for help in trying to improve what has been a difficult relationship for the future. I'm not looking for abuse for mistakes that I am well aware I have made

OP posts:
Cameleongirl · 30/09/2021 15:35

I just think that for all the many reasons, your inability to become a mother figure to your stepdaughter will have left scars - and those scars are there because you couldn't be what she needed. You must know that being included in plans, or picked up from school and catered for, are not a substitute for genuine connection, affection, nurturing and love. And you didn't love her as your child...because she seemed to have rejected you.

@Seadad I'm not fully understanding "your inability to be a mother figure" argument. Her SD has a Mum who lived 5 minutes down the road when the OP moved in. How/why would the OP need to become a mother figure - her Mum was literally around the corner.

I know you're saying that they didn't form a strong bond and the OP could've tried hard, that's fair enough, but I don't see how she could ever be a mother figure really when the parents are right there. There's countless threads on MN complaining about SM's overstepping the mark.

Cameleongirl · 30/09/2021 15:36

As for the Dad's role in this, he sounds pretty useless, tbh. Hmm

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/09/2021 15:38

Maybe you need to acknowledge those mistakes to her OP? You do, actually, sound very self-centred, crying, giving her the silent treatment, complaining you do all the childcare (how is this her concern?).

cabingirl · 30/09/2021 15:46

I suspect she's angry at all the parental figures in her life but you are the easiest one to let it out on - her Dad is her rock so she probably feels guilty about being angry with him, and she's probably scared of losing her Mum again.

She's probably been holding on to a lot of strong and difficult emotions for a long time - not having a Mum for years, dealing with the abandonment, fear that if one parent leaves you the other could, worry it's her fault, stress of another adult moving into her space, two new siblings taking some of her Dad's love and attention etc etc)

I think family therapy (the combined type where DSD has individual therapy sessions plus group therapy) would be an excellent idea - if she's open to it - and the best scenario would be if Mum and Dad are also willing to take part too.

cabingirl · 30/09/2021 15:50

Also - try to start thinking of her as loved family member who you want to nurture and protect. The more you do internal work on your feelings towards her you'll start projecting a more loving and welcoming vibe towards her.

Think of how deep and precious your love is for your bio children and imagine enveloping her in that same love.

It's weird but it works.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2021 15:50

@YetAnotherSpartacus

I'm emphasising and not 'screaming' and the SD was a child - and one subject to the trauma of abandonment. But so magnanimous of the op to 'be kind'.
Why are you so antagonistic in your assumption that OP is expecting some kind of gratitude for being kind? OP has said nothing of the sort, this isn't about her harbouring resentment towards SD, she hasn't indicated that she does. She has simply said that she was as kind as she was allowed to be in the face of SDs hostility, because SD is stating HER resentment. This is nothing about seeking praise for being kind. She's just painting an accurate picture of her own behaviour to defend herself.
aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2021 15:53

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Maybe you need to acknowledge those mistakes to her OP? You do, actually, sound very self-centred, crying, giving her the silent treatment, complaining you do all the childcare (how is this her concern?).
Bloody hell your comments are just ridiculous at this point.

Why is it SDs concern that OP is "disrespectful" towards her husband, and disgusting, by not cleaning enough? How you can twist that around to make it sound like OP is the unreasonable one is beyond me.

Billandben444 · 30/09/2021 16:03

Wow, you're getting a bit of a battering on here. My advice would be that what's done is done and can't be rewritten but you both need to clear the air and try and build a new relationship as two adults. Would it be viable for the two of you to sit down, with someone neutral who she trusts as a mediator, and open up all the wounds and hurts, let the poison out and then heal the situation? She is your husband's daughter and wants to feel precious and valued but this shouldn't happen at your expense. Good luck.

GreyCarpet · 30/09/2021 16:03

Tbh, I suggested that the OP talk to the SD too and I do think she has to lead with I dont think I got things right. And I'm sorry for that.

Because the SD was a child at the time although she isn't now.

It's clear that the dad isn't going to do anything. He's spent 20 years being a bit useless in this respect. The only way ofoving this forwards, with family therapy or otherwise, is by talking about it. Not by escalating it by automatically banning the daughter from moving back in.

Such a shame that the stepdaughter's been let down in this way but the OP has a chance to make amends.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/09/2021 16:07

You seem very invested sofa!

And yes, grey carpet, I agree. Starting with an apology is the way to go.

Original poster
starofandromeda · 30/09/2021 16:08

@GreyCarpet
Yes I have already done that, that's what I did yesterday. I suggested we all met after no one else had done. I have written above what I said but I let her talk and I apologised for everything I've done wrong. To be honest I've had a bit of a verbal battering and I feel I'm getting that a bit on here too from some people. I'm going to suggest having therapy with her. She is a strong confident, outspoken person, she doesn't hold back in what she thinks of me so it isn't easy to hear but I am willing to go through with counselling if I think it will help her. Thank you for your posts

OP posts:
Buttons294749 · 30/09/2021 16:09

It's easy for her to take her anger out in you than her mum and dad. If she confronts her mum with her feelings what if she leave s again. She can't tell at her dad in case he leaves too. I would inisit SD and DH went to therapy together

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2021 16:15

@YetAnotherSpartacus

You seem very invested sofa!

And yes, grey carpet, I agree. Starting with an apology is the way to go.

No more than you, but I see I'm not alone in thinking your comments on this are unnecessarily harsh.
Marjoriedrawers · 30/09/2021 16:22

[quote starofandromeda]@GreyCarpet
Yes I have already done that, that's what I did yesterday. I suggested we all met after no one else had done. I have written above what I said but I let her talk and I apologised for everything I've done wrong. To be honest I've had a bit of a verbal battering and I feel I'm getting that a bit on here too from some people. I'm going to suggest having therapy with her. She is a strong confident, outspoken person, she doesn't hold back in what she thinks of me so it isn't easy to hear but I am willing to go through with counselling if I think it will help her. Thank you for your posts[/quote]
One aspect you seem to keep avoiding, what exactly does your husband say about the way his daughter speaks to you in those texts? What is HE doing about it?

Seadad · 30/09/2021 16:36

I agree with you @YetAnotherSpartacus about the examples given and the hostility of indifference when aimed at children who need love. Unfortunately there is often a lack of emotional intelligence from posters, even on pages like this - so that @aSofaNearYou almost takes pleasure in refusing to recognise that children need nurturing,
or that issues like abandonment, isolation, instability, insecurity, should have any influence on how children behave or that anything can be done. It's desperately sad how distressed children are blamed or ignorred - and or what people think 'kindness' looks like.

Marjoriedrawers · 30/09/2021 16:38

Do a search for 'Uninvited from family wedding' and 'John learns to adult'. Similar demanding SD wanting to be centre of attention. In the end the poor woman just walked away to raise her kids alone and left daddy and his little princess to crack on with their warped relationship where she controlled his every move (including his marriage).

Seadad · 30/09/2021 16:41

@starofandromeda - my last comment wasn't aimed at you - I totally understand you are struggling with your relationship with your SD and that this stems from a history you can't change. It's not beyond repair but it needs you both to recognise the hurt and difficulties you've experienced.

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2021 16:45

@Seadad

I agree with you *@YetAnotherSpartacus about the examples given and the hostility of indifference when aimed at children who need love. Unfortunately there is often a lack of emotional intelligence from posters, even on pages like this - so that @aSofaNearYou* almost takes pleasure in refusing to recognise that children need nurturing, or that issues like abandonment, isolation, instability, insecurity, should have any influence on how children behave or that anything can be done. It's desperately sad how distressed children are blamed or ignorred - and or what people think 'kindness' looks like.
It's funny you mention emotional intelligence because I see it as lacking in the other side of this argumen, determined to assume "blame" must be placed on one side or the other. OP has not talked about being indifferent to SD, she has not talked about SD coming to her and receiving a cold shoulder. She has talked about being kind to her, reaching out repeatedly, and being consistently met with hostility. She has talked about finding it hard to deal with and being busy with her son, but she has not talked about any hostility or indifference towards her SD from her. She has just given her space. When someone is literally ignoring you, there is nothing else you can do but that. What would you suggest?

I'm not here to insult the SD or say what lead to her emotional response was not understandable, or that she doesn't need nurturing, or any of the things you are attributing to me. I am saying that from an objective perspective, it doesn't sound like she is actually right in her assessment of OP, so OP does not need to be berated on here as though what SD says is actually right and fair. It isn't. She deserves support and nurturing, but that does not conversely mean OP is in the wrong and needs criticism for her conduct. There is a difference between advising empathy for SD, and saying what she's saying is actually correct and true, and OP must have been awful.

Seadad · 30/09/2021 16:51

@Marjoriedrawers - seriously? Wow - I hope you actually a parent?

  1. She was TWELVE
  2. She was abandoned by her mother.
  3. She had NO control over her life and the chaos brought on by the very sudden creation of a new family.
  4. She was traumatised and acted out her distress
  5. The OP obvs didn't walk away.
Sometimes it's clear who is warped!
Lorw · 30/09/2021 16:59

Counselling will probably be a good starting point, talk to her about it.

As for her moving back in, I think it’s your decision much as it is your husband but if your husband overrides you I would move out with your children and protect your mental health, I don’t think it would improve you and your SD relationship moving in (with her boyfriend?) when there is so much hostility at the moment tbh.

I must say in nearly every situation I see on here including stepchildren there is always a useless DH. In this case not only does she have a mum who abandoned her, she has a pretty useless dad too.

Marjoriedrawers · 30/09/2021 16:59

As adults we are all responsible for our own thoughts and feelings. Perhaps SD needs to understand her own finger pointing and blame may be misguided particularly as it was her own mother who walked out on here. If there's any abandonment issues it's her own mother she needs to direct her anger at, not the woman who was consistent in her life.

Marjoriedrawers · 30/09/2021 17:00

[quote Seadad]@Marjoriedrawers - seriously? Wow - I hope you actually a parent?

  1. She was TWELVE
  2. She was abandoned by her mother.
  3. She had NO control over her life and the chaos brought on by the very sudden creation of a new family.
  4. She was traumatised and acted out her distress
  5. The OP obvs didn't walk away.
Sometimes it's clear who is warped![/quote] She is not 12 now. She's an adult.
Seadad · 30/09/2021 17:07

It's not about blame - @aSofaNearYou - and OP has not been berated - but it has been pointed out by me and others that she doesn't fully appreciate the harm she caused. It's about recognising that the relationship went wrong when one person was an ADULT and the other was a CHILD.
You should reflect on who has the power, who has the maturity and who has the responsibility in a Child/Parent relationship. OP wasn't 'awful' and I sympathise with her circumstances- but she absolutely did the wrong thing in avoiding any meaningful relationship with a child she was a step mother to. She has said she was indifferent and she didn't persevere with the things that matter - trust, affection, interest , support, engagement, understanding. All that parent stuff! Children can be difficult- it doesn't make walking away OK. You can't objectively say it's OK as a step parent to opt out - while giving such things to other children in the same household. Anyone can understand how and why - but it's not OK.