Stepdaughter help please!

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

Wow. Poor SD. She has her home taken over and her life disrupted and with what sounds like little support. I feel for her.

Thank you for all of your replies, they're all very helpful.
I think @SeaDad you make a certain number of negative judgements about me. Yes obviously I moved into her and her father's home but I did this so that there was never any suggestion that she would have to leave home or move school at as you mention a young and vulnerable age. And yes of course she needed support but the support she always seems to crave was from her father not from me. I would pick her up from school frequently, she wouldn't speak to me or interact with my son (who was a baby at the time), she wouldn't say thank you. Then she would only speak to her dad and ask when he was going to take her to ride her horse. I would leave my son in the room with and ask if she would mind watching him for a few minutes and she would just ignore him. As she was so hostile so me and only seemed to want her dad (natural given that was what she was used to and as you mention we had invaded her world) I tried to give her that as much as possible and I never ever demanded his time away from her. My son demanded most of my time to be honest, he was a difficult baby. Quite often my stepdaughter would walk into a room and just ignore me. When she was older she started stealing from me and lying to me, but that's a different more complex story....
My stepdaughter was my bridesmaid along with my sisters. She also came on our honeymoon with the other children (she wouldn't speak to me during this time and was very hostile). She has never been excluded. She came to my wedding dress fitting with me.
What I'm trying to say is that I always found her hostility very very difficult to cope with, I always just thought she wanted her dad and I tried to enable this. I sought counselling some years ago to help me deal with all of this and the general consensus was to allow her to develop relationships in her own time at her own pace. Now I feel this has all gone wrong, that she harbours deep resentment of me and I have handled things badly. When I sat down with her yesterday I basically apologised that she felt I hadn't done enough and explained how I had just always thought she wanted time with her dad but she just seemed so angry towards me. I feel some of her recollection of events is very different to mine but realise this is often the case between people and obviously I didn't challenge her on this as I didn't want to upset her more. I don't and wouldn't expect her to know what it is like to have children and move house, I never really knew what that was like until it happened to me. I just worry that this resentment of me is never going to go away and going to keep resurfacing in the future.

@littlebird
yes I think her mum leaving when she was young has caused a lot of underlying emotional issues. She had a very strained relationship with her mum as a child I believe but her mum over the years has tried to rebuild this. When I became involved with her dad her mum lived 5 minutes away from her dad. They now have generally a good relationship and I find her (my husband's ex) to have been helpful and supportive over the years. My stepdaughter always had her mums house to go to whenever she wanted to but she always chose to stay with her dad as that was her main home.
To be honest I don't think my husband has been very helpful with any of these issues and when I have raised concerns over the years I have just been told 'you're an adult, you deal with it' which to be honest has made me feel a bit rubbish! I think my stepdaughter does now recognise that perhaps her dad didn't deal with things as well as he could have done so hopefully she doesn't put the blame 100% on me....

Sounds like you have a DH problem. It sounds like he left you to do everything and didn't take pick up the flak when it got too much. What attempts did he make to integrate you into his daughter's life and how did he support you when she was rude and hostile?

Sorry OP - I don't read much in your posts about your SD's needs. They are all about you - you don't really, honestly, seem to be acknowledging that she had/has needs.

Although I agree you have a DH problem.

Poor SD - let down by so many adults in her life.

Your update just confirms how little you have to apologise for. Having already (very kindly I would say) apologised to your DSD I wouldn't dwell on it much more. She has a lot of growing up to do and responsibility to take for the attitude she had and continues to have, it sounds like she was so strongly and blatantly hostile that she cannot be reasonably surprised you didn't put even more effort in with her than you did. But I wouldn't make her road to this realisation your problem.

You should be focusing on your DH and how he's going to support YOU, because actually you have more valid qualms to explore with him than she has with you. He hasn't supported you either in terms of your joint children, or in dealing with his daughter, in fact he's been pretty cold and dismissive on the toll being with him has taken on you. There's only so much extended effort you owe him for the sake of him and his daughter in those circumstances. Focus on him. What does he plan on doing about it? Does he plan on just allowing SD to move back in and continue to be outwardly hostile to you without offering any apologies to you or support on his part? And if so, is he really worth staying with?

Hi @starofandromeda - I'm sorry if you think I've been negative - please note that I have said that it must have been very hard for you also - and I know you will not have been an instigator of the hostility you received from your SD. I genuinely appreciate that you would have struggled with your relationship, and based on all the demands you faced - who can blame you for just avoiding conflict? You had so much on your plate.
I just think that for all the many reasons, your inability to become a mother figure to your stepdaughter will have left scars - and those scars are there because you couldn't be what she needed. You must know that being included in plans, or picked up from school and catered for, are not a substitute for genuine connection, affection, nurturing and love. And you didn't love her as your child...because she seemed to have rejected you.
You are still wanting to paint over this - as if it was just mutual, just easier - and perhaps it was? But it doesn't make it OK, and unless you can acknowledge now that it wasn't OK then (whether that's negative or not) you are still invalidating her experience. Anyone would have said that you need to find a way to connect with her and see that her responses were those of distress.
So unless you can validate that - there is every chance that her resentment will continue for the rest of your lives. It's not that she has nothing to apologise for - or that it wasn't horrendous at times for you - it's that your indifference to her needs was damaging - and you seem to only want address the things said or done - which conveniently leave her in the wrong more than you.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Sorry OP - I don't read much in your posts about your SD's needs. They are all about you - you don't really, honestly, seem to be acknowledging that she had/has needs.

Although I agree you have a DH problem.

Poor SD - let down by so many adults in her life.

How has OP failed her by making an effort with her, taken her to school etc whilst being blatantly ignored, and then eventually responding to the clear signals DSD was giving out that she didn't want to talk to her? What was she supposed to do, insist on conversation?

Honestly, I found the 'she was MY bridesmaid' 'she came to MY dress fitting' 'she came on OUR honeymoon', 'she wouldn't mind OUR baby' totally about the OP. The SD was a CHILD. Where has the OP acknowledged HER needs?

The husband sounds totally useless here. He needs to take the lead on this. He's been quite happy to sit in the background and let OP be the bad guy. It sounds rough on both the OP and the daughter.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Honestly, I found the 'she was MY bridesmaid' 'she came to MY dress fitting' 'she came on OUR honeymoon', 'she wouldn't mind OUR baby' totally about the OP. The SD was a CHILD. Where has the OP acknowledged HER needs?

They're just examples of the ways in which she was included by OP, relevant given she claims to have been excluded, no?

@starofandromeda It sounds like you have done all you can, and your husband has not been very supportive in all this. The fact she is now 21 and still has this resentment toward you shows it has just been left to fester but when you are not supported by your husband that was bound to happen. It needed to be nipped in the bud a long time ago, however her behaviour has been allowed to carry on so now, as a 21 year, she still thinks she has the right to treat you like this. In all honesty I’m not sure how you have lived with this so long. I would have moved out of that toxic environment a long time ago.

Would it be worth having a proper conversation with her?

One where you agree that there will be no raised voices, insults or, "Ypu always/never" accusations but one where she gets to air her feelings, you air yours, you accept that withdrawing from her might not have been the best course of action, where you both acknowledge the difficulties and things you got wrong?

You would have to lead it of course. She is an adult but you were one of the the adults who contributed to her experiences as a child.

Most people just want to feel that they've been given the space to speak and have been heard and this can go a long way towards healing rifts.

@YetAnotherSpartacus
Sorry how would you prefer me to phrase that she came to my wedding dress fitting and on our honeymoon? And she was 18 then so no she was an adult. And the comment about the baby wasn't about her minding the baby it was about giving her time with my son on her own without me there incase she felt I was looking over her shoulder (am I even allowed to say 'my son' or is that the wrong terminology too?) I think my comments are being misinterpreted a bit
@Seadad no I realise I haven't loved her as my own child. I honestly don't know how someone loves a teenager as their own child that is so hostile but like I said I have never been unkind, I have always included her, I have had counselling to try to help deal with the relationship better and I thought by sitting down with her yesterday and apologising for everything she says I didn't do that would help as you say validate her feelings and help with her distress. I'm not sure how this is painting over things. I allowed her to speak , vent at me and get quite angry. Surely love comes with time, compassion, understanding and communication, not with hostility, anger, jealousy and resentment. I completely acknowledge the failings on my part, I really do and I regret not having done things differently.

They're just examples of the ways in which she was included by OP, relevant given she claims to have been excluded, no?

Included in the OP's life and plans. This is about the OP and not the SD!

@YetAnotherSpartacus

They're just examples of the ways in which she was included by OP, relevant given she claims to have been excluded, no?

Included in the OP's life and plans. This is about the OP and not the SD!

You're trying hard to twist perfectly normal terminology into "a thing". SD says she feels excluded by OP, OP mentions that she was her bridesmaid and went on her honeymoon, as examples. Should she have said she included her in their wedding and their honeymoon? That would be weird, they were not her SD's wedding or honeymoon. OPs language there is totally normal.

She wasn't talking about SD not feeling she took an interest in HER life, she was talking about how she was included in things by OP. So of course she was talking about her life and plans.

You're really building a straw man for absolutely no reason here.

No, I'm not. I'm simply saying that the OP has been all about me, me, me and has not given even one small indication that she was interested in the SD WHO WAS A CHILD'S life (except to complain that the SD wanted her FATHER to take her horseriding, you know, after she was abandoned by her mother).

To be honest I don't think my husband has been very helpful with any of these issues and when I have raised concerns over the years I have just been told 'you're an adult, you deal with it' which to be honest has made me feel a bit rubbish!

Your husband sounds like such a prick and he's made a 'him' problem everyone else's to deal with.

It has a whiff of chauvinism to it too, that he is a man and therefore can't possibly be expected to navigate complex blended family dynamics and all the females involved should just deal with it... it's HIS family being blended, it was predominantly his responsibility to do everything he could to make the transitions and compromises as smooth as possible for everyone.

He's been quite happy to sit in the background and let OP be the bad guy. It sounds rough on both the OP and the daughter.

I agree with this. He's done nothing to bridge or mend your relationship with her over time. Yes, she's an adult now but she spent her childhood with him not doing that.

Be honest OP - do you really think he's a great dad and a great partner? Without ifs / ands / buts... or is he just selfish and a bit rubbish? Sounds like the latter to me.

Honestly, I think what you are experiencing is mothering a teen! I realise she is 21 but their brains don't fully develop until they are 21 and at the moment her decision making part of her brain is in the place without impulse control! I have younger teens - but honestly they just don't get what parents do for them and their role in things. Its me me me. I think if I was you I would continue to do my best (as you have done) and wait for her to grow up a little. If she agrees to family counselling thats also a good idea but she might not.

sorry brains don't fully develop until they are 25! not 21

Sorry how would you prefer me to phrase that she came to my wedding dress fitting and on our honeymoon?

These were about YOU. What did you do to acknowledge HER and HER life? It reads a little like you have given her crumbs from the high table even though you don't really like her and you expect her to be ever so grateful.

She was a CHILD when you entered her life and she had experienced trauma. You were the ADULT.

*These were about YOU. What did you do to acknowledge HER and HER life? It reads a little like you have given her crumbs from the high table even though you don't really like her and you expect her to be ever so grateful.

She was a CHILD when you entered her life and she had experienced trauma. You were the ADULT.*

Why do you keep screaming CHILD and ADULT? OP was kind to her SD when she was young but was met by hostility and being ignored. She still was not unkind to her, but let her have the space with her father she was very clearly indicating she wanted. What else do you actually expect from her? Was she supposed to follow her to her hobbies and ask her loads of questions, only to be ignored by SD? Would that have been a better approach?

SD was giving every indication that she did not want her to be more engaged with her life.

@YetAnotherSpartacus stop trying to antagonise the OP. You are trying to twist things into something it’s not.

I'm emphasising and not 'screaming' and the SD was a child - and one subject to the trauma of abandonment. But so magnanimous of the op to 'be kind'.

What did this girls dad do to help her when her mother left her? She was 18 months old when the mother left and OP came into her life when she was twelve, so what happened in the years between? Has she had counseling to deal with her abandonment, did the dad have other romantic relationships in that time and how was that handled? He really needs to step up here, but it sounds like he finds it easier to just blame OP and wash his hands of it all.