Stepdaughter help please!

[starofandromeda]

Would really value some of your help and advice. Sorry if a bit long!
My stepdaughter is nearly 21, I've been with her dad for 9 years, married for 5. We have two children together age 6 and 7.
My stepdaughter was brought up by her dad after her mum left the relationship when she was 18 months old. She now has a (quite) good relationship with her mum, but has always been extremely close with her dad. I realised this early on in my relationship with her dad as she was always seemed very jealous/angry if I sat next to him or held his hand. I found this very difficult to deal with but tried to realise it was due to her close relationship with him and that it would hopefully improve over time.
I moved in to their home just before the birth of my first child. Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family. I could see really resented me being there and I withdrew a lot. I was too exhausted to confront the issue and tried to just maintain a relationship. I was never ever unkind, this is not in my nature and I never have been to her. 15 months later I had my daughter and again I know she found this difficult but I hoped over time she would bond with them if I let relationships develop on her terms over time with no pressure. Unfortunately this didn't really happen and she has always projected a lot of anger and hostility towards me and sometimes the children....
Without going on too long and fast forward to the current time! Essentially she came back from university during lockdown and brought her boyfriend too. During this time she did very little, getting up at 11am most days and doing nothing around the house apart from some days clearing up all the kids toys and throwing them in a heap. Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all (I work four days a week and do literally all of the childcare and don't sit down from 7am to 10pm every day, I have no free time) I was so taken aback by her messages I literally cried all night. I asked her to apologise and she wouldn't so I didn't speak to her for a number of weeks. After no communication (and minimal support from my husband) I suggested we sit down and talk about what she had said to me which we did today. It basically all came out about how resentful she feels about everything I have ever done - how I didn't do enough with her when the children were baby's, how I didn't include her enough (I thought I always had) how I didn't talk to her enough (I am very introverted but I thought I had tried my best) She just seems to have so much anger all directed at me and because of things that I haven't done since I moved in. I know it's been hard for her of course having lived her just with her dad and then having me move in and two children in quick succession but I was so surprised at the level of anger and resentment that she seems to have towards me. I don't know where to go from here with things. Would family counselling help? She is currently living at her mums with her boyfriend whilst we have the house renovated but is keen to move back in here asap and I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with it now...
Thank you for your help and sorry for long post!

It's your home too, what happens if you say no to her permanently moving back, after all she said she was unhappy before?

BTW I'm a mom not SM, but still think you've had the rough ride here.

*Mum

I wouldn’t allow her back as I think your mental health would be crushed. She is 21 mow and I’d tell her to get a private let or move in with the boyfriend.

You say you've had minimal support from your DH. What's his take on it all? Does he take sides or ignore the problems?

She has basically said everything you have said about your behaviour in the early days. You withdrew from her when she was what 11/12 and allowed the relationship to develop, is that right? How does a 12 year old know how to develop a relationship with her dads new partner. Then back to back half siblings, no wonder her nose was/is out of joint. Curious to know what her father has been doing all these years to smooth the path of your relationship?
Despite being an adult she is clearly still troubled by the change in her home situation at a young age and needs these feelings validated. You can’t use the excuse of being to tired/ introverted to develop a relationship unless of course this has been your approach with your biological children as well.
She’s needs support not chucking out of her home. She is just as important as her half siblings

Why’s it your job to be responsible for keeping the house clean and tidy? What’s her dad’s responsibility?

If she doesn’t feel your home is up to scratch then the answer is for her to live elsewhere, permanently. She’s an adult, she can find her own place.

Don't have her back, OP. She's poison.

“Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family.”

could be

“Obviously this was a very rough time, my Mum left when I was a baby and I was really really close to my dad. Then my stepmum moved in and had 2 babies quite close together. My world was turned upside down.”

I don’t think things have been dealt with well and she obviously holds strong resentment. This is down to you and your DH.

Whilst I don’t condone the shitty messages, her world literally changed overnight and he feet probably haven’t touched the floor

Then one day a few months ago she sent me some messages saying how disgusting she thought the house was, how I don't tidy up after myself, how she can't bring friends round because it's so disgusting and how disrespectful I am to her dad who works so hard for us all

Yeah I'd not be having any adult move into my house who spoke to me like this.

If she finds your home so disgusting and resents you so much, why does she even want to move back in?

I'd say no. It's your home, she is an adult not a child.

If you could trust your husband to be supportive of you then MAYBE I would think differently but it seems you cannot so her moving in would just be a recipe for disaster and I wouldn't even be surprised if it ended your marriage eventually.

No, she needs to live somewhere else. You do get a say in this, not just her and your husband.

@Partey

“Obviously this was a very challenging time, I was completely exhausted and had moved home and left my career to live with them and was near no friends and family.”

could be

“Obviously this was a very rough time, my Mum left when I was a baby and I was really really close to my dad. Then my stepmum moved in and had 2 babies quite close together. My world was turned upside down.”

I don’t think things have been dealt with well and she obviously holds strong resentment. This is down to you and your DH.

Whilst I don’t condone the shitty messages, her world literally changed overnight and he feet probably haven’t touched the floor

Hang on, the OP said she had been with her partner for 9 years, so the stepdaughter would have been almost 11, and she moved in with him just before having her first child, who is 7. So they had been together for almost 2 years when she moved in. Her stepdaughter’s world didn’t change overnight. OP, it’s good that your SD was honest with you about how she feels, and I hope you were honest with her about how you feel too. I’d suggest she has some counselling to help her come to terms with her feelings, because its not healthy for her to feel such resentment. However, I’d expect her father to have this conversation with her. He should be supporting both of you to repair this relationship.

With her mum leaving her so early on in life she probably has abandonment issues. Her Dad was all she had.
I understand this is difficult for you, but l think what comes across in most of these posts, is that she felt she had no choice in it. Stepchildren are forced into a situation , to go along with it to keep the adults happy. I don't think l would have been over them moon in her shoes either having a very pregnant stranger moving in, then two new babies. realistically things that are forced, rarely work out.

This is why l would never in a million years blend my family. It's way too complex.

It sounds as though she has issues reating to her parents splitting and perhaps feeling abandoned by her mother. It doesn't sound as though you've done anything wrong at all, but she's taken her anger out on you alone.

It can of course be de-stabilising to a child / teen when a step parent comes along. If she struggled to deal with that then it was up to her dad primarily to help her deal with it. He is her parent and should have ensured she was OK with it at every stage.

From your op it feels as though he has just let everything happen and let you bear the brunt of her anger and bad behaviour. At this stage, she is 21 and being unreasonable and rude to you, and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Her dad should be taking the lead to ensure a) she understands she's as important to him as ever and, b) she knows she is being unfair on you and you've done nothing wrong, c) if she has a problem with the house that isn't your fault - she didn't clean, her dad doesn't clean, why does it come down on you? and d) if she is going to live with you she has to be polite and friendly.

He needs to step up.

Did she acknowledge her messages were unfair? Does she want a relationship? Do you?

I'd suggest you both apologise for the mistakes you've made and agree to a clean slate, to be honest.

Yes she's been awful but it sounds like she felt abandoned by everyone as a child so it's not surprising she's holding a lot of resentment.

Why’s it your job to be responsible for keeping the house clean and tidy? What’s her dad’s responsibility?
What's the SDs responsibility as well? Surely everyone in the household bears responsibility for the housework and upkeep, or do adult children get a free ride?

I think that what is missing from your account is an appreciation that, at a very vulnerable age when she needed support and nurturing (not least from another female) - you entered and turned her life upside down. You took her father's attention (after being left by her mother) - introduced babies to her home, and shared her space while 'withdrawing' - avoiding a relationship with her to focus on her father and your children.
You need to remember she was 12 when this happened - and you were the adult. Of course she carries resentment- how would you feel?
I think you need to acknowledge that 'not being unkind' doesn't mean your moving into her home and her life was not distressing for her. You then failed to develop a relationship where she could see you as supportive, caring or nurturing, leaving her father to divide himself between you. I know you think you've done nothing wrong - but that is the defence of absent fathers- you haven't done the right thing either, and for children that counts. It's about time you recognised what happened to her childhood, her home and her life because of your relationship with her father and see if there are ways to make up for your part.
As an adult she is wrong to have been so hostile to you - but that is the anger and resentment that she has felt since childhood. Perhaps if you can acknowledge the mistakes you did make and apologise- she might see things from your perspective too. You've left it a bit late - but it isn't impossible to build a better relationship if you are both willing?

Where is your DH in all this OP? You didn't move into a random house and self impregnate, what has he done to make the transition smoother for both his DD and you?

If you had tried to force a close relationship with his dd people here would have told you you are not the childs mum, she has a mum to back off. When you do back off and try to be led by the family unit of your dh and his dd you're still wrong. The problem here is not the dd but your dh, he needs to be the one smoothing things over, not sitting back and allowing you to take the blame for everything.

I feel it would be best to go to some counselling because I think she has very valid feelings from the past that have never been validated, it would help you all move on. Her message to you was hurtful and upsetting, and she may apologise in time, but I do think the first step is acknowledging her feelings and not dismissing them.

@Seadad Your comment is very irritating, what is missing from YOUR account is any acknowledgment that SD was hostile from the start. OP withdrew in response to that, as anyone would do. Step parents are not superhuman, if step children are hostile to them all they can do is give them space. There's only so much you can take. SD is 21 now, time for her to appreciate that.

And OP didn't invade her space or "take" her dad's attention, her dad invited her in and gave her his attention. He was the one responsible for that decision, he was the one responsible for making sure she was comfortable and well adjusted as a teenager. Your comment levels way too much responsibility on OP and not nearly enough on her dad, or indeed SD herself.

It sounds like she needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoiled brat. It also sounds like her father needs to grow a spine and stand up to her for speaking to his wife like shit.

@aSofaNearYou - I don't know if I can put this any better on a Mumsnet page than answer - she was CHILD!! She was not even a teenager - and that was her life experience - regardless of your adult rationalising!

[quote Seadad]@aSofaNearYou - I don't know if I can put this any better on a Mumsnet page than answer - she was CHILD!! She was not even a teenager - and that was her life experience - regardless of your adult rationalising![/quote]
Alright Helen Lovejoy.

Yes she was a child, hence why OP is not seething with resentment for HER attitude, and sharing her grudge about it years later.

But she's not a child now. Time to start letting go of the idea that people won't withdraw from you if you are hostile to them, and recognise her own part in it. It was her dad who (rightly or wrongly) brought this situation into SDs life, and it was SD herself who caused OP to withdraw from her. No blame needs to be placed anywhere, but it certainly shouldn't be placed with OP.

@Moonface123

With her mum leaving her so early on in life she probably has abandonment issues. Her Dad was all she had. I understand this is difficult for you, but l think what comes across in most of these posts, is that she felt she had no choice in it. Stepchildren are forced into a situation , to go along with it to keep the adults happy. I don't think l would have been over them moon in her shoes either having a very pregnant stranger moving in, then two new babies. realistically things that are forced, rarely work out. This is why l would never in a million years blend my family. It's way too complex.

I appreciate how hard it is for stepchildren but adults should be allowed to have a relationship or to have more children (as long as done reasonably) without asking a child for permission. Parents have a duty of care and protection towards their offsprings and of course if a child struggles they should get support and validation but in the end of the day adults cannot sacrifice everything for their children and shelter them from all uncomfortable feelings.

OP if your stepdaughter suffered in childhood or if the situation wasn't handled in a appropriate manner then she deserves validation and to be heard but you also need to have strong boundaries in place. I don't think as an adult she has an excuse to talk to you the way she did. It's rude and unfair. I'm also wondering where is her dad in all this?
Seems like you're the one getting all the blame and hard time when he was the main person responsible for his daughter.

I think it’s important to acknowledge how she feels, but the most important thing to talk about is how to actually move forward from here. The past can’t be undone, but in order to have some form of relationship going forward, you’ve all got to be in agreement of what expectations are.
I have a sister who will not move on from the 1970s because of baggage that she clings to and throws up on a regular basis. Literally everyone has moved on from that, but despite many discussions, attempts at reconciliation etc she is unable to do so and it has really spoiled our family situation.
It’s so important to try and resolve things now, even if what comes out of it is an uneasy truce, it’s still better than harbouring resentment on both sides.

@aSofaNearYou - yes - her father was very unwise to bring a pregnant partner into his house without first building relationships between all involved - utterly stupid! But her father couldn't build the relationship between OP and SD - and under the circumstances, hostility from SD was entirely predictable, understandable and never overcome. I've not said as an adult SD shouldn't now reflect - and see that things must have been hard for OP too. But one of the problems of CHILDHOOD trauma is that it shapes us and has a lasting impact. So blaming children for their trauma - or adults for not just letting go of it - is not a good look for people when offering advice.
I'm pointing out the trauma that OP caused her SD- and how that trauma wasn't handled well by her father or OP - leads them to where they are now.

To address it - OP can't just skip over the damage that she caused and didn't repair by reference to that person now being an adult. She is still only 21 and still unlikely to fully understand how hard it must have been for OP too - understanding which only really comes when you become a parent perhaps? Either way - I'm not saying it's all one way now - I'm saying that the history paints a poor picture of how a young girl was affected by the approach of the adults in her life - at a time when she had no choice. And the hostility comes from that place - and while it isn't good to express it in the way she has - who can blame her?
OP absolutely needs to own HER role - or there can't be resolution - and it is bad advice to pretend otherwise.

Sorry OP this is one very angry SD. It looks like she needs professional support to deal with this. Poor thing loses her mum who abandons her then just as she is coming through the shock of this dad brings another woman in to live with them then has 2 babies in a short space of time. Thats an awful lot for a young developing mind to deal with. It does not justify her rantings but it may help you pave the way to heal this rift. So.....where the hell is your husband in all of this? What is he doing to help around the house? What is he doing to support you and the SD? Finally, are you ok? Apart from this episode, are you ok in your marriage....it just feels like your husband is absent.