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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
Rubyrebel · 29/09/2021 08:33

Glad you called him out on it op. You said he spent the £200 on what he intended to buy - so he can’t be that financially struggling or surely he would have spent it on bills etc
£200 is a lot of money and he should be grateful for it! Most people wouldn’t give presents like that. It was so rude of him to not be thankful for that in the first place and then to knock your lovely thoughtful efforts to make his Birthday special. I would not be impressed

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 29/09/2021 08:34

I can see his point. I find all the landful tat a waste of money and resources

HailAdrian · 29/09/2021 08:34

He's disgustingly ungrateful, no wonder you're put off.

trumpisagit · 29/09/2021 08:35

Does he not like waste and frippery?
My DH would consider banners, balloons and cupcakes a waste of anyone's money.

montysma1 · 29/09/2021 08:37

I would tell him that me wasting money on him isn't something he will have to worry about moving forward.

LIZS · 29/09/2021 08:38

Hope he apologises, it was incredibly ungrateful after the event. If he wanted no fuss he should have said so and presumably he happily ate the takeaway. Hmm

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 08:38

Just saw your response, OP. Well done.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 29/09/2021 08:38

Your text sounds exactly what I would have said.

IntermittentParps · 29/09/2021 08:38

I just wanted to say that if someone sorted me out cakes and drinks and silly party bits and a take away for my birthday, I'd be over the moon. I think that's a really nice thing to do for someone and I can understand that you'd be hurt and disappointed by his response.
So would I. Even though I don't really like birthday 'fuss', I'd be so pleased and touched that they'd made the effort.
And even if I didn't really enjoy it, I'd NEVER tell someone I'd rather have the money.

Aprilx · 29/09/2021 08:39

I think he was rude and should have kept his feelings to himself. But considering he is struggling for cash, I can understand why he would think balloons and banners and cupcakes were a waste of money. Many adults would think that, other than on mumsnet, nobody does that for an adults birthday unless it is one ending in a zero perhaps.

PinzQueen · 29/09/2021 08:40

Being in a tight spot can make us unashamedly desperate. And that kind of desperation can make us stoop so low.

He might be struggling more than he is letting on, and doesn't know the right way to hint at it with you. This is it.

Ask him directly.

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2021 08:43

Again I know what it’s like to struggle so if someone got me all these little things I would be in heaven, because I couldn’t do it myself.
But, this is you and how you react. Have you read others saying they couldn’t deal with presents when they were struggling to pay the bills? So others think differently, you can’t assume everyone is the same . I probably think more like you and would enjoy the treat.

CaMePlaitPas · 29/09/2021 08:44

Cut your losses, ltb.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 08:45

You said he spent the £200 on what he intended to buy - so he can’t be that financially struggling or surely he would have spent it on bills etc

Unless he's incredibly stupid and is buying the thing he wants while still sort of money for bills.
This is possible and not a good sign, if so.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 08:46

*short of money

reesewithoutaspoon · 29/09/2021 08:46

Has he just clumsily worded it. financial stress is no fun. I remember birthdays when I was skint and struggling and often thinking I could cry at the waste because it was invariably stuff I didnt really need even if it was a nice treat. Its no fun sitting with your nice candles and wine and slippers when all you can think of is ' God that £100 or so of stuff would have made a massive difference to me at the minute'. Dont underestimate how much financial difficulties can take the shine off normal everyday stuff.

Though I agree he should have kept them thoughts to himself. maybe he just felt comfortable enough to be able to share that with you.

Callixte · 29/09/2021 08:46

If he’d even said "you shouldn’t have spent the money on me" or "I’d rather you’d saved the money" that would be less bad, but “I’d rather have (had) the money as well” is a bit forward when you don’t have shared finances or even regular shared expenses.

There were really two separate things here: the gift, and the other things - which weren't just a present for him but a way for the two of you to celebrate his birthday together. It sounds like the add'l cost was mainly the takeaway and alcohol, but if you’d gone for home-made rice and beans and tap water, that still doesn't translate to a £250 rather than £200 gift for him.

If you're not happy with his response, it might be better to talk face to face rather than through text.

BeepingBB · 29/09/2021 08:48

@Wallywobbles

I'd reply with "what did you want the outcome of your text to be?"

Yes this.

frozendaisy · 29/09/2021 08:50

Our children have better manners.

It's just plain rude OP.

Has he muddled together a response yet?

MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 08:55

@timeisnotaline

Again I know what it’s like to struggle so if someone got me all these little things I would be in heaven, because I couldn’t do it myself. But, this is you and how you react. Have you read others saying they couldn’t deal with presents when they were struggling to pay the bills? So others think differently, you can’t assume everyone is the same . I probably think more like you and would enjoy the treat.
I don't think anyone is saying that he doesn't have a right to his feelings but part of being a grown up is knowing when is ok to share how you feel and when that is rude and ungracious.
DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 08:57

Wholeheartedly agree with others that the money was the gift and the takeaway, balloons etc was a mutual celebration.

Rude and greedy person, and the OP’s text very good.

VividImaginationAgain · 29/09/2021 08:58

I realise this is a really “Mumsnet” thing to say but could he be on the autistic spectrum. It’s the sort of thing my boys might say, or even my husband. They think they are only being truthful but seem to be missing some sort of filter.

ArrrMeHearties · 29/09/2021 08:59

He is probably trying to think of something to say to worm his way out of what a monumental prick he was by sending that text to you. I'd be absolutely raging if I were you op

Balonziaga · 29/09/2021 08:59

Well done for a straight and honest response.

He was rude & ungrateful
He should be made aware of that fact
He should apologise.

And now he will need to accept that you have seen a side of him that you don't like very much, and work very hard to prove to it was a 'one off blip'

HermioneKipper · 29/09/2021 09:02

What an ungrateful swine. I’d dump him over this OP. I’m not sure I’ve heard of something this rude in a long time.

It must feel like such a kick in the teeth after you made such a lovely effort for him