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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
lovebuggers · 29/09/2021 08:19

F

Warmduscher · 29/09/2021 08:20

There is something deeply unattractive about a person being grabby. It would be enough to put me right off someone for good.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 29/09/2021 08:20

Maybe I'm too blunt but my only response would be "YOU'RE WELCOME"

He's shown his colours and that would royally piss me off.

PegasusReturns · 29/09/2021 08:21

Either he’s a dick or his financial position is much worse than you know.

If it’s the former then there have probably been red flags. If it’s the latter his telling you is still poor behaviour but it’s an explanation.

FWIW years ago my parents were very extravagant with me over Christmas. I was so skint we were struggling to pay bills and I came home and cried. I had cashmere and crystal and gold but what I really needed was to climb out of my OD and fill the fridge.

I didn’t say anything and years later those items are ones I enjoy but at the time I recall feeling like I wish they’d just written me a cheque.

toobusytothink · 29/09/2021 08:22

Communication is so important in a relationship. Be honest and tell him that his message hurt your feelings and see what he says

Tavelo · 29/09/2021 08:22

OP in what context was the message sent? In response to something? Not that context could save this to be honest it is very concerning however he meant it.

Journeynotdestination · 29/09/2021 08:22

Hmmm, am inclined to think it’s clumsy wording. But it would be a red flag for me. I’d reply saying ‘the cash was your gift, the extras were for us to celebrate together - Are you struggling financially because that’s a really odd thing to highlight’.

daisyducky · 29/09/2021 08:22

Sorry I've not read all the responses but do you think your bf is in any debt with having being out of work and now in a lower paid job.

Sometimes birthdays get us down, another year and not exactly where you want to be in life.

It was a shitty text but it could have been his misery and worries coming out and somehow trying to tell you he's struggling more than he is letting in. He could be stressed about having to reciprocate for your birthday and also Christmas is not far away.

Whydidimarryhim · 29/09/2021 08:23

Just say you will remember next time but don’t give him any more money. He’s a cheeky F!!!
Being grateful is what’s needed.
I think you’ve been too generous.

Laila747 · 29/09/2021 08:24

Wow. That is beyond rude and ungrateful.

I don’t think I’d be able to come back from that.

HollowTalk · 29/09/2021 08:24

But he has spent that £200 on the present so he can't be desperate for money and unable to pay his bills.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 08:25

Everyone saying he may be in worrying financial trouble - OP has said that he is using the £200 for the non-essential gift he wanted. If he was desperate for cash to pay bills he would not be buying this gift.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 29/09/2021 08:25

I think he's feeling resentful, that he's given up home, support system and security to be close to you and his life has gone to shit. Meanwhile, yours is great, to the point where you can blow £50 on frivolous things while he is stressed out about just getting by. I think maybe he feels you are being a bit tone deaf?
Now none of his situation is your fault - he's a grown man who made a choice, took a risk and it hasn't panned out, in a career sense. And he had no right to be mean and lash out at you when you'd tried to do something lovely.
While I can see where his thinking might come from, you don't want to be with a man who responds to hard times by lashing out at you. It's easy to be generous when times are good, but the true test of a relationship is how people behave when times are not good.
My instinct is that on some level he's blaming you for his life being how it is and that's not something you can easily come back from imo.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 08:26

OP said he moved for work, @MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/09/2021 08:27

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously he didn't move to be with the op

HailAdrian · 29/09/2021 08:28

Oh fgs just reply.

Jumpingintosummer · 29/09/2021 08:28

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think he's feeling resentful, that he's given up home, support system and security to be close to you and his life has gone to shit. Meanwhile, yours is great, to the point where you can blow £50 on frivolous things while he is stressed out about just getting by. I think maybe he feels you are being a bit tone deaf? Now none of his situation is your fault - he's a grown man who made a choice, took a risk and it hasn't panned out, in a career sense. And he had no right to be mean and lash out at you when you'd tried to do something lovely. While I can see where his thinking might come from, you don't want to be with a man who responds to hard times by lashing out at you. It's easy to be generous when times are good, but the true test of a relationship is how people behave when times are not good. My instinct is that on some level he's blaming you for his life being how it is and that's not something you can easily come back from imo.
OP says together less than a year and he relocated for work. That could easily have been before they met.
NOTANUM · 29/09/2021 08:29

You gave him £200 for his birthday and made it special with another tenner's worth of stuff and a takeaway, yet he complains?

Proceed very carefully. He sounds rather entitled basically and very rude. He didn't even have the guts to say it. It sounds like he had been drinking when he wrote it. What a joy suck.

I can't imagine given £200 cash to any adult for a birthday present. He should be immensely grateful.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 08:29

He did move for work, me being nearby was a perk. Then he lost his job, got a new one because he likes the area. I don’t feel indebted to him because he moved here. I understand if some people saw it this way.

I just text him and said I think you should apologise for the incredibly rude and ungrateful message you sent last night. It really hurt my feelings. He’s been typing on and off for a bit

OP posts:
holrosea · 29/09/2021 08:29

You have enough people on here telling you that he's rude (even if he's under pressure and feels a bit resentful about moving to be with you - although I might have misinterpreted that).

I just wanted to say that if someone sorted me out cakes and drinks and silly party bits and a take away for my birthday, I'd be over the moon. I think that's a really nice thing to do for someone and I can understand that you'd be hurt and disappointed by his response.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 08:30

Good for you for communicating how you feel clearly, OP.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 29/09/2021 08:30

Sorry OP. I must be half asleep. I read that as him getting a job to be near you. No idea why!

ApolloandDaphne · 29/09/2021 08:31

I wonder if he has woken in the night fretting about money and sent that message without really thinking about it. I would give him a chance to explain himself and go from there.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 08:33

Then say you are happy to help him look at expenditures to see where improvements could be made
Oh sure, put yourself out further to do something he can criticise later.

I’d reply with “wow, I don’t really know what to say to that, genuine question - what were you hoping to achieve with your text?”
Great response.

LadyDanburysHat · 29/09/2021 08:33

Good for you not letting him get away with it. Unless he makes a fully groveling apology I would be rethinking the relationship.

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