Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 29/09/2021 09:02

@Disapoint

I honestly didn’t do balloons and banners as a massive thing. Some people may not like that but I love birthdays and making a fuss. It was very low key, I made his favourite cocktails and we got his favourite takeaway. To say rather than that experience he would rather the cash….

He has text me this morning just to say hi, I think he realises he messed up. I’m going to steal a response from here but I do feel differently of him now.

Again I know what it’s like to struggle so if someone got me all these little things I would be in heaven, because I couldn’t do it myself.

But someone that is struggling wouldn't see that as heaven, they would see that as food that they could put in the cupboard, or a bill they could pay.

Just because he says he can manage his bills (most people are to embarrassed to admit they struggle) doest mea he actually can.

I seriously wouldn't get upset about his text, (or look at him any different) I think in a way he was reaching out to you.

Talk to him (not text) about his message, talk about his incomings and outgoings.

I think your generosity (all be it well meaning) was just too much for someone struggling to cope

Tellmewhat · 29/09/2021 09:02

Good point that he could have said, you didn’t have to go to all that trouble, you could have saved yourself some money. Not you could have given that money to me! That’s the cheeky bit.

VeganCow · 29/09/2021 09:02

I'd get rid, imagine a life of this, get out now before he is a husband or live-in, would be awful to live with.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt though, if he is normally nice, might he be really struggling financially? I would be asking him to lay cards on table because if he isn't making ends meet, the stress and worry can make people behave desperately. If it isn't that, see first point and knock it on the head.

HalzTangz · 29/09/2021 09:04

@Disapoint

And I said he could spend the money on whatever he needs. He brought what it was intended for so I can’t see that he was struggling to get a food shop? Not that he should have but just saying
Maybe he felt pressured into buying the thing you gave him the money for
JustAnother0ldMan · 29/09/2021 09:09

@diddl

Banners, balloons & themed cup cakes aren't my thing either & I would see that as a waste.

However, he had already had money for a present, so being given extra instead of the balloons etc was never an option anyway so it is a really odd thing to say.

If he decides to use the 200 for something else then he might have asked if that was OK?

Yep, would agree with this,
Theunamedcat · 29/09/2021 09:09

Honestly I would feel as if this relationship was a bust if you can't do something nice for someone without hurting their feelings really what's the point?

HaveringWavering · 29/09/2021 09:10

Well done with your reply OP. Hope you get the outcome you need in exchange for being brave enough to be honest.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 09:10

The dick-pandering and apologism for rude and entitled male behaviour on this thread are really concerning. Why would you reach so far to attempt to excuse this guy?

couchparsnip · 29/09/2021 09:11

The classic mumsnet "Did you mean to be so rude?" would work here.
Glad you've responded in that way OP. His answer will tell you a lot. If he's not hugely apologetic or if he tries to justify his comments then you might need to have a think about your future with him. If he's angry with you then that's a red flag.

TidyDancer · 29/09/2021 09:13

Well done on confronting this OP.

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 09:13

@HalfTangz - how can you defend such rudeness? If the guy was uncomfortable with fuss or thought it a waste of money, even, then he should have kept his mouth (or phone) shut as the money had been spent. Asking for the equivalent spend is cheeky beyond belief.

I should think many of us have been short of a bob or two at some point and no way would we throw someone’s treat in their faces and ask for money. Make a mental note to forestall them next year if you think it’s a waste, but after the fact…. Noooooooo !!

johnd2 · 29/09/2021 09:15

Looking at it, it sounds like he is aware it's awkward but he has trusted you with his difficult feelings and been honest about them.
I don't read it as he's asking for anything or expecting anything, other than to share some feelings that must be extremely difficult.
Of course you are also entitled to have and share your feelings, even if they are also difficult or uncomfortable.
If his feelings are triggering for you and you are unable to deal with it (as they seem to be for a majority of posters on this thread) then it's ok to finish the relationship. But that's your decision alone.
Good luck!

DFOD · 29/09/2021 09:16

But you wanted to SHARE in the celebrations - you wanted to ENJOY his birthday with him. You wanted to have drinks, cupcakes, fun and a takeaway ….. does he only want “his half” of the £50 you spent on him? Or does he want to deprive you as well?

Sounds like a miserable and ignorant man.

I would be looking closer at why he had to move for work, why he lost his job, why he can only get a lower paid job …..

darklindor · 29/09/2021 09:17

I'm wondering if he took any of the special alcohol present home with him. Hard to believe anyone would say such a thing whilst sober.

apalledandshocked · 29/09/2021 09:18

@Disapoint

I obviously can’t be 100% sure but he’s said he can pay his bills. Prior to this he would surprise me with spa days or little gifts so I never thought he was like this. I am seriously out off I just can’t believe someone could be so ungrateful
and did he ever ask you pre-surprise if you would rather the money? I am assuming not, and to be fair it would be weird! So there are some double standards going on. I bet if you had said you would rather the money than the spa day he would have thought you were a gold digger/with him for money (and to be fair...) But yes, its a weird attitude to money and also extremely rude.
IntermittentParps · 29/09/2021 09:23

@johnd2

Looking at it, it sounds like he is aware it's awkward but he has trusted you with his difficult feelings and been honest about them. I don't read it as he's asking for anything or expecting anything, other than to share some feelings that must be extremely difficult. Of course you are also entitled to have and share your feelings, even if they are also difficult or uncomfortable. If his feelings are triggering for you and you are unable to deal with it (as they seem to be for a majority of posters on this thread) then it's ok to finish the relationship. But that's your decision alone. Good luck!
How patronising. People aren't saying this man was rude because we're 'triggered' Hmm by his feelings. We're saying he was rude because most of us have or know children of about 8 who know not to say things like that to someone who's made a nice gesture for their birthday.
johnd2 · 29/09/2021 09:24

Oh just to follow on from my above post i read your other posts and your reply is a big contrast, he merely expressed his feelings and didn't judge you at all or tell you what to do, and you have fired back telling him what to do and judging him very harshly! Not exactly a great way to open up the conversation. If you acknowledge and accept his feelings but also share your own, it would be less combative and more productive.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 09:26

he has trusted you with his difficult feelings and been honest about them.
I don't read it as he's asking for anything or expecting anything, other than to share some feelings that must be extremely difficult.

Jesus Christ! This wins the thread for indulging man-babies, @johnd2. Congratulations!

johnd2 · 29/09/2021 09:27

Ok fair enough that was just my perception, but either way it's not a competition to work Out who's "right" the whole point of these clearly difficult conversations is to tell people how you feel and what you think, not to police behaviour. But like i say it's the ops decision about what they can deal with.

johnd2 · 29/09/2021 09:28

@SparklingLime

*he has trusted you with his difficult feelings and been honest about them. I don't read it as he's asking for anything or expecting anything, other than to share some feelings that must be extremely difficult.*

Jesus Christ! This wins the thread for indulging man-babies, @johnd2. Congratulations!

If listening to peoples feelings and reflecting back with your own is indulging someone excessively, i can see why this thread has gone the way it has
Kuachui · 29/09/2021 09:29

Wtf ungrateful prick

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/09/2021 09:29

is it at all possible that the previous 'treating' you was an investment in becoming a cocklodger?

The same thought occurred to me - whether he's now seen OP's good for a couple of hundred and thinks there's more where that came from

If that's correct, of course he'll be apologetic to stop the money tree dropping its leaves, so personally I'd have gone with the "what did you want the outcome of this to be?" I might not drop him just for this, but it's a huge red flag all the same

Oldraver · 29/09/2021 09:29

I think I would reply with...

I think the phrase you are struggling for, is thank you

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 29/09/2021 09:30

I hate all the bumpf that comes with birthdays. Banners, balloons etc, I don't see the point of as an adult. It makes a mess, it's not environmentally friendly, and I don't enjoy it.

As me and my partner share finances, then it is our money being spent, so I'd literally rather have the money. My partner feels like she has to make an effort, so it's taken a few years for that stuff to stop happening.

She also insists on making a cake every year. I'm not that fussed, I'm not a huge cake fan, I'd rather spend the time with her than be banned from downstairs for a couple of hours the day before my birthday. I haven't managed to get this through to her in 15 years though, every year a cake.

DP likes all the bumpf though, so she gets it for her birthday.

I think he's worded it spectacularly badly, but I think what your boyfriend is trying to say is that he doesn't care for all of the extras, and that he'd rather you hadn't spent the money on it.

Personally, I'd have waited till closer to next year to bring it up, but I think the giving him the money bit is a red herring. As you say, he's not like this usually, and is happy to spend his money on you.

DFOD · 29/09/2021 09:31

This isn’t about feelings though is it? It’s about pure ignorant bad manners.

He should be reflecting on his selfish feelings - and censoring his response to someone who has gone over and above in terms of thought, time, effort and money for him.

Ungrateful. Ungracious.