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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:

diddl · 29/09/2021 07:56

Banners, balloons & themed cup cakes aren't my thing either & I would see that as a waste.

However, he had already had money for a present, so being given extra instead of the balloons etc was never an option anyway so it is a really odd thing to say.

If he decides to use the 200 for something else then he might have asked if that was OK?

douliket · 29/09/2021 07:57

Well firstly text and ask him was he drunk when he sent this.

And secondly tell him this is a game changer, how ungrateful..This changes everything and I would tell him straight

Namechangehereandnow · 29/09/2021 07:57

He’s either one of two things -

He’s a selfish twat. (Doesn’t sound like he is though given your posts)
He’s struggling MUCH more than you realise financially and he’s actually totted up the treats spend and he’s thinking how much that physical cash would actually help him. (More likely he’s this option)

Fwiw, my late teen dc tell me they’d prefer if I either buy an extra gift, or extra money instead of the ‘nice thoughtful’ smaller things I buy. I see the bits as nice and thoughtful as they describe, they see them as a waste of money 🤷‍♀️ (I can see their point of view though)

IndecentCakes · 29/09/2021 08:00

I want balloons and banners and £200 and cake! It sounds like a dream

I don't get it after ten years of marriage and pushing his son out!

MacMahon · 29/09/2021 08:02

The early hours is not the time for thinking straight. You were wise to leave your reply until today.

I would take his message as him saying how worried he is about money and worrying about it being spent on being cherished. (I wonder what the money situation was in his childhood).

When you see him in person, let him know that you felt criticised by his text. That you felt you'd tried to show him appreciation with some extra effort and that you felt rejected by his criticism.

Redwinestillfine · 29/09/2021 08:02

Just tell him that you wanted to spoil him and were upset about his message as it came across ungrateful. Say you understand he may not like cake and may be struggling but manners cost nothing. Then leave it. How he responds will be telling.

Jumpingintosummer · 29/09/2021 08:03

You are far from the joint finances stage, it’s not like he will see a saving out of the joint pot. You kindly gave him a £200 gift plus birthday treats. These were not in place of another gift, just kindness. I would not be impressed

Bentoforthehorde · 29/09/2021 08:04

Threads like this really make me angry about the shitty behaviour people encourage others to 'understand'.
Yeah, fine, some people don't need all the celebratory tat and that's not a bad thing.
But there's a bloody difference between 'you don't have to make a fuss on birthdays' and 'don't make a fuss on birthdays, I'd rather have the cash you would spend on that as well as the cash you already gave me'
He already had 200 quid! Even if you're hard up its bloody rude. I've been so poor I had to choose between food and electricity and I still wouldn't have accepted money from someone and basically said "thanks, but you could have given me more".
I'm not saying LTB but I would at the very least keep this in the back of your mind as you might not be compatible. He's pissed you off, it was rude and grabby, some people are fine with that kind of behaviour but you don't have to be.

museumum · 29/09/2021 08:05

You need to talk this through going forward. If you next offer to treat you both to takeaway is he going to ask you to eat along and just hand over what his would have cost in cash?
I’d probably say something like
I appreciate how difficult things are for you right now. While our finances are separate, what I can give you is emotional support and pay for the occasional treat that you wouldn’t otherwise have. I had hoped you’d enjoy and appreciate this but if you’d rather I didn’t in future then I won’t.

flamingphoenix · 29/09/2021 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2021 08:05

What a rude, ungrateful toad.

Benefit of the doubt would be that he's feeling more desperate than you've realised. Still no reason to say that to you unprompted though. Perhaps it's his clumsy way of telling you what position he's in and how he feels about it - taking you into his confidence because he's confident that you're close enough to be honest.

The giver gives for the pleasure of giving. The recipient just has to smile and say thank you, whether they really enjoy the gift or not. (Then dispose of it quietly if not). Perhaps he's too badly brought up, or self-centred, to have recognised that?

(Personally I think banners, balloons etc is a load of wasteful tat but would have loved the takeaway and drinks. I've found that when I'm on a tight budget, having someone richer treat me, is lovely, it lifts my life a little bit).

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 08:07

Agree, @Bentoforthehorde. The cringy over-reaching for acceptable explanations and ‘I don’t like balloons either’ (so?) is so odd.

RampantIvy · 29/09/2021 08:07

@SilveredPinkPetal

Don’t do anything rash. My husband hates fuss, and would say the same. In fact probably has said the same. Don’t break up, over someone’s throw away comment, as some posters have advised. You’ve said he’s been thoughtful and generous to you in the past. His current circumstances have changed, and it’s not easy. Give him a break.

I agree.

My husband is the same. He hates having a fuss made over him for his birthday. It doesn't help that his birthday is just after Christmas.

He sounds rude and ungrateful, and it came across badly, but I think he just doesn't like a fuss made of his birthday. DH would feel the same about wasting money on balloons, a banner and other fripperies.

curiouslypacific · 29/09/2021 08:10

Very churlish, particularly as the frivolous bits barely cost anything. Given the takeaway was the main 'extra' there it's incredibly rude to say he'd rather have had the money for it, particularly as that was a meal for you to.

Can you imagine inviting a mate round and treating them to a takeaway as you know they're a bit skint and they turn round and tell you you should have just given them the money instead? Can't imagine we'd be friends for long.

He's not even that skint by the sounds of it as he's spent the £200 on ordering something already (ie not on bills).

Original poster

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 08:10

I honestly didn’t do balloons and banners as a massive thing. Some people may not like that but I love birthdays and making a fuss. It was very low key, I made his favourite cocktails and we got his favourite takeaway. To say rather than that experience he would rather the cash….

He has text me this morning just to say hi, I think he realises he messed up. I’m going to steal a response from here but I do feel differently of him now.

Again I know what it’s like to struggle so if someone got me all these little things I would be in heaven, because I couldn’t do it myself.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2021 08:11

the balloons and banner cost about £2. It wasn’t huge I just wanted to acknowledge the fact it was his birthday. I got cupcakes for free

Tbh, I’d text him this.

“I got the cupcakes free and the balloons a d banner were about £2. The takeaway was about spending time with you on your birthday. Your text has made me feel a bit shit, actually.”

Lollipop444 · 29/09/2021 08:11

It is rude and ungrateful of him. It’s one thing to secretly dislike fuss but another thing to send a rude text like that, especially saying he’d rather have the money, as if you haven’t been generous enough.

Is your birthday coming up and he’s worried he won’t be able to match that?

It would send some alarm bells ringing for me tbh.

Original poster

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 08:11

And I said he could spend the money on whatever he needs. He brought what it was intended for so I can’t see that he was struggling to get a food shop? Not that he should have but just saying

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2021 08:12

He’s being honest with you, apparently, so I’d be honest right back. Not sure why you have to ‘consider his feelings’ particularly in response.

MagnoliaBeige · 29/09/2021 08:14

For me, if he’d not said the “as well” bit, I’d be a bit more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s the implied criticism that you had a total budget of £250 for his birthday and should have allocated it ALL to his present that would bother me - it’s your money, you get to decide how you spend it and he has no entitlement to suggest otherwise. I’d reply with “wow, I don’t really know what to say to that, genuine question - what were you hoping to achieve with your text?”

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 08:15

If he can’t even apologise now he’s had time to realise how crass he was, well that’s even worse.

diddl · 29/09/2021 08:15

@SilveredPinkPetal

But Op had already given him 200 for a gift.

The balloons etc were extra-never an option to be given as money instead!

You just say that was very thoughtful but it's not really your thing.

Not "I'd rather have had that as money as well"!

Lollipop444 · 29/09/2021 08:15

Oh and from experience. Little things that annoy you at this stage of your relationship tend to become bigger a few years down the lube and you wish you’d nipped it in the bud earlier.

HalzTangz · 29/09/2021 08:19

I think he's probably said that because he is struggling financially, however, it is rude of him.

I would have a frank discussion with him about his finances, maybe you could help him cut costs somewhere, however, I would reply and say I got you that gift and made those treats available so you could have a nice day and try to forget your worries for a few hours. Then say you are happy to help him look at expenditures to see where improvements could be made

BaconMassive · 29/09/2021 08:19

Next time he comes over, i would send a text later saying that you had a nice evening but could he just send you the petrol money that he spent to get across next time.

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