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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
ssd · 29/09/2021 11:47

Well it sounds like hes skint and would much rather have had the £50 you spent on cake and ballons .

Men are big on balloons,cake,banners, all the trivial shite we buy to make it a special day. They just dont care about it. So to him that's just a waste of your money. And hes felt like he could tell you straight. If you are shocked and hurt maybe hes not for you. If you see it for what it is and walk past paperchase next time and save your money, then you might have a future. But id say if you felt the need to get advice about it from strangers on mn then it's probably the former and you should call it a day.

ssd · 29/09/2021 11:48

Sorry men arent big on cake etc.as above

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2021 11:50

He thinks of your money as joint money. 'We can do takeaways when we're better off'. It's about different perspectives on the relationship - plus massive hypocrisy on his part, if he wouldn't naturally have been taking his partner to his birthday weekend with his family.

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 11:51

I agree his sorry was Sorry, not sorry. In other words it’s OP’s fault.

He got his greedy paws on £200 and wanted the OP to put £50 or whatever on the table as well and not even share a chicken biryani or slice of cake…. This man is the pits.

Tellmewhat · 29/09/2021 11:51

But if op hadn’t done the cakes, banners, takeaway and alcohol, she wouldn’t have given him £50 instead. I don’t understand why he is seeing it like that.

diddl · 29/09/2021 11:52

"So to him that's just a waste of your money. And hes felt like he could tell you straight."

But what he said was that he would rather Op had given him that money as well.

Not that he wasn't really into all of that so thanks but not to do it in future.

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 11:53

@ssd , so maybe men don’t like cakes, but show me the man who doesn’t like takeaways…. He wanted the money OP spent on that!

diddl · 29/09/2021 11:54

"He thinks of your money as joint money."

I think he thinks of Op's money as his money!

Pemba · 29/09/2021 11:54

If you'd bother to read properly you would see the OP says she got the cakes free, banners and balloons were about £2. The extra money was mainly on a takeaway they shared and a drink he liked.

So he is basically saying that rather than spending his birthday celebrating with his girlfriend he'd rather she had just handed over even more cash to him. He had no compunction in taking £200 from her already. Not a nice guy.

brollybush · 29/09/2021 11:55

@ssd what an absolute load of utter nonsense.

OP I hope you have done yourself a favour and kicked this ungrateful would-be cocklodger to the kerb.

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 11:56

Gosh that response. Two hundred wasn’t enough for him? He wanted more?

I’d bin that. What a using git.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 11:57

For those saying he's skint and needs the money, why wasn't his response then "I love that you wanted to give me XYZ thing I'd love to have, but Im really skint right now, would you mind if I used the money towards bills and food and when I'm back on my feet I'll get XYZ thing?". Instead he bought XYZ thing costing 200 pounds, then had a go at OP for buying them dinner because he could have used the extra 50 pounds. This isn't about him being skint, this is about him being a jerk.

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 29/09/2021 11:57

What a tosser! I’m not sure what he was even hoping to achieve other than to try to make you feel bad? He’s not got a birthday for another year?!

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 11:58

As a pp observed, this was money well invested to discover that this man is a cheeky, greedy rat.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 12:00

I know some men don’t like the fuss but honestly I got it as just a little extra effort because he was away from family and friends. I didn’t expect him to be blown away by it. Luckily a family member makes cakes so did them for free. The food and drink wasn’t even a big deal, I would understand if he didn’t get any other presents and I brought a balloon arch.

Some posters have really said it for me, he’s text me several times since but I think he’s just panicking that he is losing his cash cow Sad

OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 29/09/2021 12:01

There's a big difference between him saying to OP, "it's lovely what you did but I'm not really into cake and decorations and she could save her money next time" versus him saying you shouldn't have spent that money on our shared dinner because you should have given me an extra 50 instead.

frozendaisy · 29/09/2021 12:01

I have never heard of anyone, ever,asking for the money instead of the treats. Never mind you had already given him £200.

It's just uniquely weird.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 12:01

I also told him I was giving him the money so he could choose. It wasn’t even that he had to ask my permission. I made it clear it was for the present but it’s his to do as he wishes

OP posts:
Shellfishblastard · 29/09/2021 12:01

Do you subsidise him quite a lot OP?

Runnerduck34 · 29/09/2021 12:08

Sounds like he is in a low place, but thats a hurtful and unproductive thing to say.
You tried to make his birthday special and I get that if he is living hand to mouth he might have preferred £50 towards petrol etc, he probably didn't mean it to sound ungrateful, maybe just factual and was trying to say how much he is really struggling right now?? But yes its not a nice thing to hear when youve gone to so much effort.

fumfspos · 29/09/2021 12:08

Oh just bin the twat already.
Such a fucking cheek.
He wanted a specific present, couldn't afford it, at some point you decided to give him the money for it. He goes out and orders it immediately - so not like he thought oh fuck, I need to pay the bills or I have nothing to eat for a month, so i'll have a chat with OP and make clear how dire the situation is etc.
No... entitled fuck orders the item and then says he'd rather have had another 50 quid than the takeaway, alcohol, balloons etc.

You are not financially compatible. Bin.

Calmdown14 · 29/09/2021 12:09

I suspect his money troubles are greater than you believe and he has struggled seeing what he regards as waste.
It was rude and badly worded but the lack of wanting to go away etc points to this. Because when you have no money, even if someone treats you, there are still extras to be spent and that thought caused him stress.
I would struggle to enjoy all that nonsense when calculating how to stretch every penny. It changes your mindset in a way you can't explain to those who haven't experienced it.
I think that if he apologizes for the way he said it you could move on. I'd be using it as a reason to get him to open up about his true financial situation before making a final decision on the relationship if it is otherwise good and this doesn't reflect past behaviour

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 12:09

@Runnerduck34

Sounds like he is in a low place, but thats a hurtful and unproductive thing to say. You tried to make his birthday special and I get that if he is living hand to mouth he might have preferred £50 towards petrol etc, he probably didn't mean it to sound ungrateful, maybe just factual and was trying to say how much he is really struggling right now?? But yes its not a nice thing to hear when youve gone to so much effort.
But she’d already given him two hundred quid. Which is a very generous birthday offer, and the bastards saying it wasn’t enough he wants more. It’s not her place to throw cash at him. He’s an adult. No matter how skint he is asking for an even bigger present is beyond appalling.
Incredibad · 29/09/2021 12:10

Tell him no you can’t see ‘where he’s coming from’ because you aren’t a rude, entitled, ungrateful prick and you actually have some manners. Gobsmacked at the audacity.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 12:10

Read the post immediately above yours, @Calmdown14.