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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 10:29

So it sounds like he actually is so stupid that he's spending the £200 on the unnecessary gift that he wants, while complaining that he doesn't have enough for bills and making out that OP got it wrong.

A decent person would realise that they have hurt OP's feelings and would apologise for that.

diddl · 29/09/2021 10:30

@Disapoint

Prior to this I asked him if he wanted to go away for his birthday my treat, he declined and said he would probably spend it with family. He couldn’t due to money so it already felt like I was the second resort. I think I’m done here really, I’m sad that he’s struggling but he went about everything in the wrong way
Wow!

So you couldn't have gone with him to visit family?

Not sounding great is it?

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2021 10:31

OP wouldn't have spent that money on him otherwise, she'd have spent it on herself. That's the alternative. The fact he's already trying to spend and allocate her money is worrying.

It could be he sees them as 'partners, moving towards cohabitation and marriage' whereas OP sees him as 'boyfriend, or partner who's ok at a distance, future undecided.' But, it's very, I'd suggest more likely that he's just keen on getting his feet under the table and benefiting from everything partnership has to offer, without thinking towards marriage and long-term commitment at all.

Shellfishblastard · 29/09/2021 10:34

What he needs to realise is that, the £50 you spent on the treats / takeaway, wouldn’t have been given to him had he not spent his birthday with you.

What is that shops say - this voucher is not redeemable for cash?!

You also shared in the experience - and that’s what being in a relationship is all about. Experiences together.

I’m not sure I would be getting into the habit of offering cash loans to him either. I think after this I would be a little bit wary tbh. Not a dealbreaker but it would leave me feeling a bit unsure

starskey80 · 29/09/2021 10:34

Ouch, that hurts OP, also his comment about the birthday being 'different'..... he should have been delighted to spend it with you.

His ingratitude is very unattractive.

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 10:35

If you'd have asked whether he wanted the money or a nice evening in with you, he'd have chosen the money. That's literally what he's telling you. After you already feeling second best to his family.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/09/2021 10:41

@NoSquirrels

the balloons and banner cost about £2. It wasn’t huge I just wanted to acknowledge the fact it was his birthday. I got cupcakes for free

Tbh, I’d text him this.

“I got the cupcakes free and the balloons a d banner were about £2. The takeaway was about spending time with you on your birthday. Your text has made me feel a bit shit, actually.”

This is a good shout.
FatBettyintheCoop · 29/09/2021 10:41

@SparklingLime

It’s not OP’s job to pay his bills, *@FatBettyintheCoop*.
Of course it isn't the OP's role to pay his bills. I never suggested that.

However, if he's skint, surely it's far more insensitive for someone to 'waste' money on frivolous items when you're worrying about paying bills?

I had a female friend that wanted to splurge money on a meal out at a nice restaurant but I viewed it as a complete waste of money and refused. Some of us don't view spending money in pubs, restaurants and coffee shops as nice treats but see it as wasteful indulgences when money is tight.

It's obvious that this relationship isn't going to last because the OP views on spending money are quite differently to her boyfriend's.

That's what's shouting out loud to me anyway. Smile

GrandmaSteglitszch · 29/09/2021 10:41

If you'd have asked whether he wanted the money or a nice evening in with you, he'd have chosen the money. That's literally what he's telling you.

Wow.
It does come down to that, doesn't it.

burnoutbabe · 29/09/2021 10:47

@OnwardsAndSideways1

Personally I don't even think getting a fave takeaway and a fave drink is particularly 'all the frills'. And some cake. The only 'frilly' thing was the banner and you were just trying to give him a nice time on the day and that was probably pretty cheap.

I'm not sure what he wants you to do- not see him on his birthday, not get a takeaway? I mean you have to eat, and even if you are quite hard up, one person treating the other to a takeaway is pretty standard stuff.

I think it's opened your eyes OP and perhaps there's no going back. It's probably better to have this conversation face to face though to really see how you both feel.

exactly this. I bought loads of cakes for partners birthday, but we BOTH eat the cakes.

And both enjoy the birthday takeaway and drinks.

So we are quibbling over £2 on ballons and banners!

He was very rude. Unless he just did not want to see you at all on his birthday - you give him the cash in an envelope and leave maybe? Its weird you didn't even stay over for a birthday shag?

reesewithoutaspoon · 29/09/2021 10:52

Did he refuse to go away with you out of embarrassment?. If hes always been generous and thoughtful then maybe hes struggling with the disparity in income.
i can only speak of my experience of struggling financially and I would have refused a weekend away at someone else's expense because it was awful to always feel like the charity case.

theworldsbiggestcrocodile · 29/09/2021 10:52

I agree with pp that suggested your response we should be ' what did you hope to achieve with that message?' Because I can't see why anyone would send such a thing to someone who had just given them an expensive gift and made loads of effort on top of that.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 10:57

@reesewithoutaspoon

Did he refuse to go away with you out of embarrassment?. If hes always been generous and thoughtful then maybe hes struggling with the disparity in income. i can only speak of my experience of struggling financially and I would have refused a weekend away at someone else's expense because it was awful to always feel like the charity case.
He doesn’t sound the type to be embarrassed though does he? He literally told OP that he would have preferred more cash rather than a shared takeaway etc.
Violet869 · 29/09/2021 10:57

He was insensitive, he should have apologised and made it clear he was grateful, if I was you, I would struggle to move on from this but I’m sure whatever decision you make OP, is the right one.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/09/2021 10:58

Wow. I'm sorry op, but he's not coming across great.

FlippityFlippityFlop · 29/09/2021 11:01

Refusing the weekend away is understandable. I can understand not wanting to go if he was worrying about spending money.

Asking for the money that was spent on the takeaway is entirely different. That's just cheeky! How far does this extend - would it be applicable to any night in? i e. just give him the value of the food/drink you would have cooked for him if he had come over to yours?

Stormyequine · 29/09/2021 11:06

So I guess from now on he'd just like you to send him a few quid each time you would have got together, rather than spend the money on food, fuel etc and actually seeing him? No wonder you are upset. I'm not sure what more you can do or say to be honest.

Starblind19 · 29/09/2021 11:10

Get rid.

He sounds like a horrible person I would lit just say looks like we both got something we didn't want after all feel free to send my money back but you won't be seeing me again. I wouldn't even give him chance to explain himself. If this is the shit he's pulling this early in can you imagine how shit your life will be with him and his demands and thinking he's owed things he's not. Eugh no thanks mate. Don't be a doormat you are in a good position cut your losses and move on don't let him drag you down.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 29/09/2021 11:18

Thinking that he would rather have had the money is pretty rude but actually saying it to you, after you have already spent it on him is extremely rude and completely unnecessary. Why do some people feel the need to voice every thought?
He can’t help the fact that it occurred to him but he didn’t have to say it. Keep it in your head man!

CaMePlaitPas · 29/09/2021 11:24

He sees you as a cash cow OP. Once you're gone who will bail him out?

ImFree2doasiwant · 29/09/2021 11:24

I kind of get where he's coming from sadly. My mum has offered to pay fir a soa day for my birthday fir me, her, my sister. Minimum £300 . I was absolutely skint at the time. I really really didn't want the spa day. I needed the money. I didn't actually say anything though. I'd have rather had "my" portion of the money and no spa day.

MagnoliaBeige · 29/09/2021 11:28

I’d consider it £250 well spent to have found out what sort of person he is. He still doesn’t seem to appreciate how rude he’s been, it’s an unattractive trait for sure!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2021 11:33

It sounds as if he’s really struggling with his change in circumstances.

Pemba · 29/09/2021 11:39

It's not so much about the money (although that's cheeky enough as it is) but that he has thrown the OP's thoughtful loving gesture back in her face. That's unkind, not to mention spectacularly rude.

And he has now given one of those non-apologies ("I'm sorry IF you were upset"). He is greedy and lacking self awareness. I agree OP you are right to consider the relationship done with. Sorry he wasted your time. You are a nice person and hopefully you will meet a decent man.

Those falling over themselves to excuse him are interesting.

Starblind19 · 29/09/2021 11:46

@ImFree2doasiwant

Yes but would you have felt the same way If the spa had cost 50 quid and your mum had given you the 250. The OP had already given a cash gift.

A lot of people have been through hard times. But to expect any gift at all is cheeky then to throw someone's kind gesture back in their face is even cheekier and in this case completely would end the relationship for me personally.