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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/09/2021 10:06

The dick-pandering and apologism for rude and entitled male behaviour on this thread are really concerning. Why would you reach so far to attempt to excuse this guy?

I personally would have made the same comment irrespective of the sexes of the people involved (albeit I RTFT, typed my comment, hit 'send' and then there were suddenly an extra 100+ comments).

What?. He’s her boyfriend, he’s not entitled to her money. They have seperate finances. He doesn’t get a say in how she spends it, and he doesn’t get to eye up her money thinking he’d have it. She can waste her own goddamn money on whatever the hell she pleases.

As I said, he should not have made that comment at all - it was completely out of order. All I'm saying is that any 'waste' of money on OP's part was ostensibly for his benefit on his birthday. They've already established a relationship whereby they treat each other quite extravagantly (when they're able to) and he may have seen this as her 'upping the ante' for when it comes to her birthday.

If she'd bought herself a designer bag or something, it would make no difference to him or any perceived implications; but if he is really struggling at the moment, he may have interpreted this as her way of showing that, when her birthday comes around, she will be expecting/wanting/hoping for an extra £50 to be spent on 'celebrating' her birthday (with very little to show for it) long before it comes to finding the money for the actual present.

peachgreen · 29/09/2021 10:07

What a shithead.

ginghamstarfish · 29/09/2021 10:09

OP You sound lovely and kind-hearted, and he was very rude to say that. I can see that some might THINK it but any decent person would never say it aloud to the one who took all that trouble. For future reference though, most men are really not bothered about all the frilly bits though, so save your money (for yourself) next time with your new boyfriend.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 10:10

So after typing on and off for about 10 minutes he decided to call me whilst we are at work.

He said “I’m sorry if my message upset you, you know I’ve been broke for a while. It was a nice gesture he appreciates it. Can I see where he’s coming from? If I would of asked the money would of been great and eventually he’ll be back on his feet and we can do those things like nights out or nights in” I said if you wanted a loan you should of asked instead of making me feel I had done something wrong, and now I see him in a completely different light. He had nothing to say so I ended the call.

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 29/09/2021 10:12

On the face of it it's pretty rude. I would sway towards giving him the benefit of the doubt, but depends on what he replies with...

darklindor · 29/09/2021 10:13

Well he's made things a lot worse now OP. Idiot!

HollowTalk · 29/09/2021 10:14

So money is tight, yet he did immediately spend your £200 on his present? If he was broke, why didn't he ask you if you minded if he used it for living expenses and then he'd buy the present later, when he could afford it?

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 10:14

Jesus, OP. So he really does think you should have given him more than £200 in cash. Plus an “I’m sorry if” apology.

Original poster
Disapoint · 29/09/2021 10:14

Prior to this I asked him if he wanted to go away for his birthday my treat, he declined and said he would probably spend it with family. He couldn’t due to money so it already felt like I was the second resort. I think I’m done here really, I’m sad that he’s struggling but he went about everything in the wrong way

OP posts:
Rainbowshit · 29/09/2021 10:14

ah cross posted, hmm not great is it...

couchparsnip · 29/09/2021 10:15

@DFOD

But you wanted to SHARE in the celebrations - you wanted to ENJOY his birthday with him. You wanted to have drinks, cupcakes, fun and a takeaway ….. does he only want “his half” of the £50 you spent on him? Or does he want to deprive you as well?

Sounds like a miserable and ignorant man.

I would be looking closer at why he had to move for work, why he lost his job, why he can only get a lower paid job …..

This is a really good point. He's not understood how birthdays work when you're an adult. You're supposed to share the celebration!
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/09/2021 10:15

Personally I don't even think getting a fave takeaway and a fave drink is particularly 'all the frills'. And some cake. The only 'frilly' thing was the banner and you were just trying to give him a nice time on the day and that was probably pretty cheap.

I'm not sure what he wants you to do- not see him on his birthday, not get a takeaway? I mean you have to eat, and even if you are quite hard up, one person treating the other to a takeaway is pretty standard stuff.

I think it's opened your eyes OP and perhaps there's no going back. It's probably better to have this conversation face to face though to really see how you both feel.

FatBettyintheCoop · 29/09/2021 10:15

@Sarahlou63

Balloons, banners and cupcakes?? Wonderful for a 6 year old girl. Not so wonderful for a grown man. I can absolutely see what he meant. The text was awkward but probably less awkward than saying it.
I agree with you.

My DH would absolutely not want any of those items or consider them as birthday treats as he hates fuss. He wouldn’t even be bothered by a takeaway either as he’s not remotely interested in food other than for survival. A book by a favourite author or something for the garden would be his preferred present.

The fact that he was happy to treat you when he was working makes it far more likely that he is very worried about his lack of income. Have you ever been seriously skint OP?

Maybe your boyfriend has a big bill coming up and as he’s skint, he’s thinking he’d rather have had cash that he can put towards a big bill?

jeannie46 · 29/09/2021 10:16

He's awful - rude and entitled. This is just the start of your relationship and this is the best he can do?

Go, go, go. You can do better - much better.

annacondom · 29/09/2021 10:17

My DH would absolutely say that. He would see the banner etc as wasting money - thanks, but no thanks. He will say he doesn't want anything for his birthday but the one year I didn't do any he was upset. So now he gets a bar of chocolate, or similar :) He does make an effort for mine, bc he knows I want that. In your situation it sounds like a lack of communication on this, as things so often are.

DFOD · 29/09/2021 10:17

@Disapoint

So after typing on and off for about 10 minutes he decided to call me whilst we are at work.

He said “I’m sorry if my message upset you, you know I’ve been broke for a while. It was a nice gesture he appreciates it. Can I see where he’s coming from? If I would of asked the money would of been great and eventually he’ll be back on his feet and we can do those things like nights out or nights in” I said if you wanted a loan you should of asked instead of making me feel I had done something wrong, and now I see him in a completely different light. He had nothing to say so I ended the call.

Wow he really is ignorant.

He’s doubling down.

He is “apologising” for upsetting you - but still believes he is right and that he is entitled to your money and how you choose to spend it!!!

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 29/09/2021 10:18

I just can't believe the entitlement. You gave him £200, he's telling you he's broke, but he still spend it on a non-essential item anyway. And from his reply I don't think he wanted a loan anyway - he just wanted more of your money.

He doesn't have a point, regardless of what people think. The takeaway, alcohol and cakes was an experience you could share together. It was your treat and it was kind. So he wanted to deprive you of a nice evening together so you could top up his funds whilst already taking a significant sum of money from you.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/09/2021 10:18

Just for the record, I would never give someone £200 in cash for a first birthday spent together as a couple. I think it's the kind of thing you do when you are very well established and decided not to waste money/need to save the joint pot. I would buy a 'token' gift even if I was loaded. The fact he bought the expensive item then moaned about you getting a takeaway to eat together and wanted extra cash...

I really can't think of an excuse for all this, there just isn't one, it's fantastically rude!

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 10:18

It’s not OP’s job to pay his bills, @FatBettyintheCoop.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/09/2021 10:19

For those saying my husband wouldn't want a takeaway/banner and balloons- do they usually ask for the money instead? I think not. They just want a no fuss birthday without fleecing their loved ones for the cash!

EmmalineC · 29/09/2021 10:22

Bin him and move on. Complaining about cupcakes when you'd gone to the trouble of buying them in his football team theme? Moaning about banners and balloons which probably cost less than a fiver?

It's not your fault he's skint. That being said, he sounds like the kind of man who keeps his change in a coin purse and checks every single item on the till receipt in case he's been overcharged by a few pennies.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/09/2021 10:23

I'm not sure I could come back from this. So unbelievably rude and ungrateful. Even if he thought it, he should not have said it. You've done nothing wrong OP and you deserve better Thanks

lottiegarbanzo · 29/09/2021 10:25

What people's DH's would think about the way joint funds are spent, is a completely different thing from OP's experience.

sandgrown · 29/09/2021 10:25

Like you say I think he realises he messed up . Lack of money seems to affect men more badly as they are historically programmed to be the providers. My ex changed completely when he lost his job and had no money. You say he was generous when he had money so not all bad . It might take time to get over this but it depends if you want to stay with him . Maybe more open conversation is required .

DFOD · 29/09/2021 10:26

@Disapoint

Prior to this I asked him if he wanted to go away for his birthday my treat, he declined and said he would probably spend it with family. He couldn’t due to money so it already felt like I was the second resort. I think I’m done here really, I’m sad that he’s struggling but he went about everything in the wrong way
Here was your first red flag.

He chose his family over you on his birthday. He didn’t want to go away for a weekend with you - even if you were paying.

He’s not into you - but happy to take your cash - but wants some more - but doesn’t want to spend time with you - and continues to argue that he is right!

So his ideal birthday was:

Spending it with his family.

Taking £200 cash from you.

Not having a takeaway and drinks with you but taking all the cash (the whole £50 not “his” 1/2)