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Original poster

He said he would rather the money

493 replies

Disapoint · 29/09/2021 04:07

I know it’s early but I woke up to this message and now can’t sleep. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year, it was recently his birthday and he moved away from family and friends to be here for work so he was basically alone for his birthday.

He lost his job here and got another lower paid job, we don’t live together but I knew he was really struggling. He really wanted a certain present, I knew he couldn’t afford it so I decided to give him the money for it for his birthday. £200, I earn more than him and he always always treated me just because when he was working. He said he was spending the day with me so I brought some balloons, banners, some cupcakes with his football team, a bottle of his favourite alcohol and a takeaway. Not expensive but at least another £50. We had a lovely day, or so it seemed. He said thank you and all the right noises when I gave him his gifts and money. He wasn’t expecting it.

I just woke up to a text saying it’s really awkward but he’s struggling he would rather the money that I spent aswell! He said the cakes were nice but he also doesn’t really like cakes. I honestly am just…. He’s never been like this before. I don’t know what to reply

OP posts:
MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 09:31

@SparklingLime

The dick-pandering and apologism for rude and entitled male behaviour on this thread are really concerning. Why would you reach so far to attempt to excuse this guy?
I think I have now realised how women end up treated really badly in relationships
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/09/2021 09:32

This is someone who doesn’t value lovely gestures from decent people. He doesn’t deserve what you gave him.

He was absolutely out of order to share his thoughts in this way, but I can potentially see where he was coming from. If he's really massively struggling, although the intention was exactly the opposite, it probably seemed like a bit of a slap in the face to him, to see you 'wasting' money that was ostensibly given to him/for his benefit.

Maybe a bit like taking a delicate, exquisitely presented posh canape to present to a person sleeping in a shop doorway, when they would have found half a loaf of sandwiches made with Aldi basic bread and cheese costing the same far more helpful to fill up their empty belly. Sometimes, when you're on your uppers, 'special' takes a firm back seat to 'essential'.

You were trying to do a really kind thing and he most certainly shouldn't have said that, but it sounds like you're currently on very different pages financially. I'd talk to him and ask him what his present financial position honestly, truly looks like.

Kuachui · 29/09/2021 09:33

Thing is if he said it before you'd done it then it would have been better BUT the fact he did it after means what was the point of it? To make you feel bad?
He should have said thank you and left it he's not entitled to your money :S and your entitled to do as you wish with it....
Bet if you hadn't of done anything and just gave him an extra £50 he probably would be complaining about that.

I would LTB

DottyHarmer · 29/09/2021 09:36

Why do we have to “listen to people’s feelings” and “reflect back with our own” if someone is being incredibly rude?

This non-judgemental “be kind” stuff is manna from heaven for those who want to wipe their feet all over others. If you have any objection to incredibly unreasonable behaviour it’s you who are the bad person. Whilst the cf/scammer/abuser laughs all the way to the Excuse Bank.

SparklingLime · 29/09/2021 09:37

Oh give over, @johnd2.

Fluffymule · 29/09/2021 09:38

I think you sound like a thoughtful and generous person. I hope he has reflected on his text and realises how poorly it reflects on him, not to mention how it hurt you, and makes a genuine apology.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2021 09:39

@Disapoint

He did move for work, me being nearby was a perk. Then he lost his job, got a new one because he likes the area. I don’t feel indebted to him because he moved here. I understand if some people saw it this way.

I just text him and said I think you should apologise for the incredibly rude and ungrateful message you sent last night. It really hurt my feelings. He’s been typing on and off for a bit

That sounds like a very reasonable response, @Disapoint. You went to some trouble to make his birthday special, and what he said was rude and ungrateful.

I don't do banners and balloons for birthdays - but if a friend did them for me, I would be so touched and happy.

JustAnother0ldMan · 29/09/2021 09:39

He was absolutely out of order to share his thoughts in this way, but I can potentially see where he was coming from. If he's really massively struggling, although the intention was exactly the opposite, it probably seemed like a bit of a slap in the face to him, to see you 'wasting' money that was ostensibly given to him/for his benefit.

This is what I was thinking, reading this thread, but @WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll has worded it much better than I could, he should have have kept his gob shut and been appreciative of the gesture, no matter what.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/09/2021 09:39

@Disapoint

Honestly I gave him the money to do what he wants, I know he can cover all his bills but no money for treats. He’s mentioned this for ages but I didn’t buy the item just so he had the choice to do whatever
You have a grown man cash for his birthday?

You do that with kids who are saving for a big item.

You give partners, friends, spouses a present.

He has lost his job, you were giving him a treat, that he didn't have to worry about paying for. You werent' offering to cover his bills for a month - though I suspect that is what you have actually done.

He has responded to you as though you are somehow his keeper/parent and have got it wrong. It's ons thing you offering to help woth his bills whilst he is unemployed, but this is more of a correction, a reminder of your place, a place you didn't know you inhabited.

Whatever prompted it, debt, anxiety, annoyance, childish pique, he was rude and that isn't easily excused in the circumstances you describe.

johnd2 · 29/09/2021 09:41

@DottyHarmer

Why do we have to “listen to people’s feelings” and “reflect back with our own” if someone is being incredibly rude?

This non-judgemental “be kind” stuff is manna from heaven for those who want to wipe their feet all over others. If you have any objection to incredibly unreasonable behaviour it’s you who are the bad person. Whilst the cf/scammer/abuser laughs all the way to the Excuse Bank.

Well you certainly don't have to, but like i say if the behaviour is triggering and you can't deal with it then that would legitimately be a deal breaker. But what I'm saying is what's the point of everyone bottling up their feelings to avoid being rude, if everyone knows how everyone else feels then they can all be their real self And to be clear, just because you listen to someone's feelings doesn't mean you have to take any action, or even think that action needs to be taken. Also you are allowed to express feelings to someone even if you don't expect them to be able to do something about it. After all, i often see suggestions on here from people to talk to a friend who will just listen properly rather than trying to fix everything, which i think is good advice on both sides. Take care.
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/09/2021 09:41

I hope his eventual response is a good ne, not some mealy mouthed, self pitying blurb Flowers

diddl · 29/09/2021 09:42

@trumpisagit

Does he not like waste and frippery? My DH would consider banners, balloons and cupcakes a waste of anyone's money.
So would I (especially if spent on me), but it's Op's money to waste.

It wasn't as if there was a budget that Op bought the "frippery" out of-he still got 200 to treat himself with-not 200 less the cost of the frippery!

fumfspos · 29/09/2021 09:47

He was unbelievably rude.
Your idea was to treat him to a fun birthday evening with takeaway, drinks, cake etc. He didn't appreciate the effort you went to and said he'd rather have the money instead. So what was supposed to happen? He turns up for his birthday at yours or you go to his, you present him with 250 quid and that's the end of the evening?
You did a really nice thing and he is an ungrateful prick.

He's obviously not struggling that much - he went and ordered the item with the 200 quid straightaway.

I think I'd have to leave him for this. Sorry if that makes me a cold-hearted bitch when he's struggling.. but he sounds so entitled. Wants a certain present, you give him the money, then wants the money for the treats and complains about cake.
Obviously if he doesn't like cake maybe he should mention it at some point but not immediately afterwards and in such a tone as he took.

I think long-term he'd be a pain in the arse. This issue will come up constantly.

Aposterhasnoname · 29/09/2021 09:47

Knowing how much mumsnet loves a diagram, I’ve drawn a helpful illustration for what you should do OP

He said he would rather the money
Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 09:47

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

This is someone who doesn’t value lovely gestures from decent people. He doesn’t deserve what you gave him.

He was absolutely out of order to share his thoughts in this way, but I can potentially see where he was coming from. If he's really massively struggling, although the intention was exactly the opposite, it probably seemed like a bit of a slap in the face to him, to see you 'wasting' money that was ostensibly given to him/for his benefit.

Maybe a bit like taking a delicate, exquisitely presented posh canape to present to a person sleeping in a shop doorway, when they would have found half a loaf of sandwiches made with Aldi basic bread and cheese costing the same far more helpful to fill up their empty belly. Sometimes, when you're on your uppers, 'special' takes a firm back seat to 'essential'.

You were trying to do a really kind thing and he most certainly shouldn't have said that, but it sounds like you're currently on very different pages financially. I'd talk to him and ask him what his present financial position honestly, truly looks like.

What?. He’s her boyfriend, he’s not entitled to her money. They have seperate finances. He doesn’t get a say in how she spends it, and he doesn’t get to eye up her money thinking he’d have it. She can waste her own goddamn money on whatever the hell she pleases.
AuntMargo · 29/09/2021 09:49

He's ungrateful and rude !

EL8888 · 29/09/2021 09:49

Cringe. Can’t believe he actually said that. Awkward and rude

Bluntness100 · 29/09/2021 09:54

And she gave him two hundred quid!

fournonblondes · 29/09/2021 09:55

OMG that is so rude of him. You were brilliant and he is so tacky for saying that. This will be a big put off for many people.

Doggydoodah123 · 29/09/2021 09:55

What an ungrateful shit. Spending the £50 on those little extras was a lovely gesture and was your money to spend as you wished. I'd be saying " oh I'm really glad you told me now so that I know not to bother next year!"

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2021 09:56

He probably doesn’t know what to say but what he does respond will tell you a lot. Your message was assertive without being punitive.

DFOD · 29/09/2021 09:59

If he had said he felt it was an unnecessary waste of your money to indulge him further than the £200 cash gift and you should have saved the additional £50 for yourself …. That would be one thing ….. but to suggest that you should have given it to him is GROSS !

Herecomesspring1 · 29/09/2021 10:00

Hi OP - that seems like such a random text to send to someone after they have made a lovely effort for your birthday. I would also be upset - what has he said in response to hurting your feelings?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 29/09/2021 10:05

@Aposterhasnoname I love your diagram and think it could be used on multiple Relationship threads!

diddl · 29/09/2021 10:05

@Aposterhasnoname

Knowing how much mumsnet loves a diagram, I’ve drawn a helpful illustration for what you should do OP
I agree tbh.

It seems to me that he's trying to tell you what to do with your money.