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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and prostitutes from the AW site

127 replies

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:19

Found out that husband had sex with prostitutes from the website Adultwork over a period of about two years. He says he stopped this activity about three years ago. Very long marriage. Would you forgive him?

I'm not asking for advice about what I should do (as I've already separated from him). I'm asking because there are some relatives who think I could (or 'should'?) forgive him and stay with him because by their reasoning this is 'the only bad thing he has done'. I have a vague feeling of being gaslighted by them, but not sure.

OP posts:

Dullardmullard · 28/09/2021 14:27

Good god no I couldn’t stay he thinks women can be bought.

Plus does he know a lot of them are trafficked too but then he wouldn’t give a shit would he.

PinkFootstool · 28/09/2021 14:28

Christ no. Especially whilst married. Absolutely unforgivable

tootootaataa · 28/09/2021 14:29

Nope. Tata for me

ItsJustTheOneSwanActually · 28/09/2021 14:30

The only bad thing he's done? It doesn't get much worse though, does it?!

They can marry him if they're that bothered.

ShrillSiren · 28/09/2021 14:32

No, I wouldn't forgive him. And I would also view the people saying that I should put up with it differently too.

Mumoblue · 28/09/2021 14:32

No I wouldn’t. Not ever.

Tell the relatives to shove it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2021 14:32

Ignore these interfering monkey relatives; they are not married to your H after all and its not their business to interfere. They are acting in their own interest rather than yours and so their opinion is worthless. How do they know in their heads that this is the only "bad" thing he has done; if they choose to accept this from their spouse their own relationship bar is so low its on the floor.

user1471462428 · 28/09/2021 14:32

Fuck that

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/09/2021 14:33

The word flying should be inserted before the word monkey in my post.

ManifestingJoy · 28/09/2021 14:34

Wow, you are entitled to your reaction whatever that is.

It is ridiculous for other relatives to tell you what you ''should'' do. Your life is what you decide it is, not what your relatives decide it should be!!!

As for the ''only'' bad thing he's ever done, well, it was a big only.

Do they have no respect for what you want/what you don't want?

I think you're right that you're being gaslighted/lit!

If you want to end the marriage because your husband slept on prositutes then I get it and plenty of others will. Sorry that your relatives are minimising what is a really big betrayal and a horrible way to commodify women.

You get to decide. Not them. You don't need to submit your decision for their approval either!

You don't need to justify your decision to them but if they don't understand that, a simple ''I do not love him at all anymore'' will usually shut them down. That is a language most people understand.

Chocaholic9 · 28/09/2021 14:36

These people have such low standards, they're practically non-existent. What else would they be happy to forgive? Paedophilia? Murder?

Sleeping with someone for money is scummy. It's sexual exploitation.

TrampolineForMrKite · 28/09/2021 14:37

The only bad thing that Harold Shipman did was all of those murders. Still wouldn’t have stayed married to him. Fuck that. Leave him.

ArranMumma · 28/09/2021 14:37

This has happened to you and not to them so it’s not their decision. You’re well within your rights to separate from him, same way you’d be within your rights to stay with him. Go with what you feel is the right choice for you.
Your relatives seem like they are being unfair but if you firmly let them know that you’ve made your decision then they should back off.

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:47

These are the responses I would have expected.

The relatives are his relatives, not mine, and I'm wondering if there's some familial narcissism going on and that's why they haven't responded in the way I would expect.

OP posts:

Recyclemeee2111 · 28/09/2021 14:59

Has he told you why he was doing this and more importantly did he tell you or did you find out?

It’s completely unforgivable and you shouldn’t have to forgive him because that’s what other people think you should do.

mewkins · 28/09/2021 15:03

I would just totally ignore them. They are people who think paying for sex is fine....I don't think you will be able to reason with that.

StarCourt · 28/09/2021 15:08

How could you stay married to somebody who had that attitude towards women?

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 15:11

@Recyclemeee2111

Has he told you why he was doing this and more importantly did he tell you or did you find out?

It’s completely unforgivable and you shouldn’t have to forgive him because that’s what other people think you should do.

He had to come clean to me because I noticed he had an STD. He said it was only once, then the figure increased over the next few days to under ten.

The thing is, I don't think he's even been entirely honest. I think I might have found his profile on AW and it's been going on far longer, with over 55 reviews left for him. The feedback left by the women describe him perfectly, some of the dates fit (including periods of no activity coinciding with life events) and the location and timing of the most recent visit are beyond coincidence.

I think he might be addicted to it. Not my problem now, but just wish others could see him the way I see him because at the moment I guess he's just the poor man who had to visit prostitutes because he wasn't get enough sex from his wife.

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 15:14

@StarCourt

How could you stay married to somebody who had that attitude towards women?

This is one of the reasons I have given him - but he seems unable to comprehend it. It's almost like he thinks these women are in it for dates, for enjoyable illicit sex. When I mentioned commodification he just looked at me blankly or like he didn't agree with me.

OP posts:

Recyclemeee2111 · 28/09/2021 15:15

He’s put your health in danger 55 times - you do not need to forgive or forget

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/09/2021 15:15

Thank god you're shot of him, the misogynist arsehole. Disgusting. So sorry that happened to you but glad that you're free of him!

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 15:18

@Recyclemeee2111

He’s put your health in danger 55 times - you do not need to forgive or forget

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:

Sunshinebuttercups · 28/09/2021 15:18

Remember the family has heard his lies,

"It was only once"
"I was really stressed"
"Her behaviour made me do it"

Good thing about getting rid of an ex, you also don't have to deal with his family again. Ignore/block etc.

Booboo24 · 28/09/2021 15:26

That's one hell of a bad thing, blimey, what would make them leave a marriage I wonder. No op, i don't think you'll find anyone that agrees with his relatives. Sex outside of the marriage is a 'sackable' offence in my eyes, the added factor of it being a prostitute makes it worse in some respects. You've done the right thing in my opinion

Crikeyalmighty · 28/09/2021 15:27

His family don’t have to sleep with him or live a life with him. You are entitled to leave even if you just ‘fall out of love’ - never mind sleeping with hookers

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