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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband and prostitutes from the AW site

127 replies

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:19

Found out that husband had sex with prostitutes from the website Adultwork over a period of about two years. He says he stopped this activity about three years ago. Very long marriage. Would you forgive him?

I'm not asking for advice about what I should do (as I've already separated from him). I'm asking because there are some relatives who think I could (or 'should'?) forgive him and stay with him because by their reasoning this is 'the only bad thing he has done'. I have a vague feeling of being gaslighted by them, but not sure.

OP posts:

thesearelaughterlines · 28/09/2021 17:53

No I would not forgive
You deserve better 💐

Marineboy67 · 28/09/2021 17:57

See a solicitor...time to move forward without him. New adventures new you & no looking back.

leavesthataregreen · 28/09/2021 18:11

Imagine the reverse. A wife has spent £££ sleeping with more than 55 gigolos over the years while the man keeps family and home together. I bet those same relatives wouldn't be pushing him to forgive and forget.

MMmomDD · 28/09/2021 18:25

I personally would be moving on too.
And It’s not because he sees women as commodities. I think it’s possible for people to compartmentalise. (Equally I do believe in freedom to chose. Women on AW have chosen to be there. It is a website where a commodity is offered and purchased)
But that has nothing to do with your marriage.

He clearly has issues with sex or relationships. Possibly both. And, more importantly you aren’t compatible.
I am sorry. Long marriage ending this way is a tough way to go.

Muttly · 28/09/2021 19:10

the only bad thing he has done

Just on that

it is a huge irreconcilable bad thing
it happened at least 55 times
the only bad thing you know of ....and back to 1) it is a huge irreconcilable bad thing

TopBlogger · 28/09/2021 22:38

So the prostitutes give reviews on the clients? What sort of things do they say I wonder

Plumtree391 · 29/09/2021 01:21

I was wondering the same, TopBlogger :-). I'd never heard of an AW site before this thread but I am not going to delve.

Op, forgiving your husband doesn't automatically equate getting back together. I would probably forgive what he did, especially as he is sorry, but wouldn't want to live with him again.

However only you can make a decision about this; you know the man, we don't.

timeisnotaline · 29/09/2021 01:28

So Hes slept with well over 50 prostitutes, put your health at risk, AND has a big gambling problem? And his family think that’s his ‘only’ mistake? Tells you a lot more about them, mainly that you are well rid of them all.
I’d call their partners over and say sweetly helen just said you can sleep with up to 100 prostitutes (it’s got to be that many) and gamble away the kids college fund and your marriage will be fine, just so you know.

me4real · 29/09/2021 02:35

Ughhhh.I wonder if they would really forgive and carry on with a prostitute shagger who caught a disease. They're likely to support him as they are his family. But no, it's not just morally repulsive it's repulsive in every way, sleazy and gross. I don't think we should feel any pressure to forgive major violations like this, even just 'for ourselves.' How we actually feel and where we actually are is what we have to work with, not trying to feel the 'right' feelings.

me4real · 29/09/2021 02:38

On phone so can't tag. But I like Amillionicc's suggestion :)

Callixte · 29/09/2021 03:30

No, I would not stay with him. The issue isn't just the activity, which perhaps he has stopped, but the belief system that made him think of doing it in the first place.

What does it matter if you "could" have forgiven him or stayed with him? You've decided not to, and it's your decision alone. Case closed.

SaltySheepdog · 29/09/2021 03:39

You deserve better

IrishMel · 29/09/2021 04:48

No stick with your gut instinct and don't let those people try to gaslight you into doing what they want. I could not be with someone who paid for sex and while they were with you. The lies and deceit and putting you at risk. You will never be happy if you stay as will always feel on edge and if he lied so freely he would do it again. The peace of mind been away from that and the strength you have shown, keep it up and do what you want in your life.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 29/09/2021 07:21

@timeisnotaline

So Hes slept with well over 50 prostitutes, put your health at risk, AND has a big gambling problem? And his family think that’s his ‘only’ mistake? Tells you a lot more about them, mainly that you are well rid of them all. I’d call their partners over and say sweetly helen just said you can sleep with up to 100 prostitutes (it’s got to be that many) and gamble away the kids college fund and your marriage will be fine, just so you know.

In a grim thread this made me chuckle! 😊

Sympathies OP, hold your head high and shame on his relatives.

ILoveJamaica · 29/09/2021 08:15

My first husband cheated on me multiple times, and also tried to have sex with every friend I had. Most rejected him, but my very best friend shagged him.

When I left him, his deeply religious family told me that "what he had done was just a bit of fun, whereas me leaving him was breaking up a family", and I was thereafter the villain of the piece.

His parents and his 3 sisters, whom I had been close to for 20 years, never spoke to me again. It's amazing what lengths family will go to, to protect their own.

I hardly ever see my Ex now, as the children are grown, but if I do see him, he cannot look me in the eye, it is the most bizarre thing ever. I don't know if it's shame or anger because I left. So weird.

He cheated on the woman he lived with after me and I have heard through a reliable source, that he's cheating on his current Partner. I have only met her once, quite recently, and the sadness in her eyes was haunting. I don't think I've ever seen someone exuding such sadness, like it was from the toes up.

Anyway, you KNOW you have done the right thing. If anyone suggests otherwise, I would ask them "Does your Partner use prostitutes?" They are being ridiculous.

Onwards and upwards. I have a lovely DH now, who is the polar opposite and has morals!

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/09/2021 08:41

When I left him, his deeply religious family told me that "what he had done was just a bit of fun, whereas me leaving him was breaking up a family", and I was thereafter the villain of the piece.

And if you'd had sex with his best friend repeatedly and come on to all his friends - what would this religious family have had to say about you, and the marriage?

Would they have been enthusiastically advocating for him to stay with an adultress and be a cuckold, and possibly not even know for sure if any kids were his?

Why do I think not .

Sidehustle99 · 29/09/2021 08:41

No forgiveness - he chose to repeatedly lie to you and do what he did. You found out - he didn't offer you the information. That wouldn't have changed anything for me anyway. He's crossed a line.

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/09/2021 08:43

Religious people (and people in general
) only ever seem.to advocate that women accept infidelity, that women put their head down and take whatever they're given; no matter how disrespectful or hurtful or humiliating or inappropriate.... never men.

ILoveJamaica · 29/09/2021 09:23

SleepingBunnies21

I know! 2 of his 3 sisters are married, and I am 100% sure they would not be okay with their own husband's cheating, but it's perfectly fine for their brother to be a serial adulterer. okay then

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/09/2021 09:40

@ILoveJamaica

SleepingBunnies21

I know! 2 of his 3 sisters are married, and I am 100% sure they would not be okay with their own husband's cheating, but it's perfectly fine for their brother to be a serial adulterer. okay then

They stick to their religious principles of treating others as they would themselves very strictly, I see.

More like - you can take any shit my dear brother gives you, as long as you don't divorce him, cause a scandal and let it be known why you're splitting from him (and our family reputation is affected).

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/09/2021 09:43

People also seem to stuck closely to the age old "men are not responsible responsible their sexual behaviour, but women are .... if he didn't leave, Dudbridge mean to break up the family, then he should be given a pass for pecadillos, cause he a man and well, he can't help it. You, as a woman, can help it and would the whore of babylon, mental and an unfit mother if you did anything similar however".

SleepingBunnies21 · 29/09/2021 09:44

*didn't mean to break up the family

Plumtree391 · 29/09/2021 10:58

@SleepingBunnies21

Religious people (and people in general ) only ever seem.to advocate that women accept infidelity, that women put their head down and take whatever they're given; no matter how disrespectful or hurtful or humiliating or inappropriate.... never men.

Not true.

Original poster

Feelingparanoid · 29/09/2021 11:20

Thank you @SleepingBunnies21 and others who have pointed out the issue of family shame which I hadnt even thought about.

OP posts:

ILoveJamaica · 29/09/2021 12:06

The shame is all his.

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