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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and prostitutes from the AW site

127 replies

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:19

Found out that husband had sex with prostitutes from the website Adultwork over a period of about two years. He says he stopped this activity about three years ago. Very long marriage. Would you forgive him?

I'm not asking for advice about what I should do (as I've already separated from him). I'm asking because there are some relatives who think I could (or 'should'?) forgive him and stay with him because by their reasoning this is 'the only bad thing he has done'. I have a vague feeling of being gaslighted by them, but not sure.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 28/09/2021 15:55

No I wouldn’t forgive, and certainly would contemplate staying with him

It shows a complete disrespect to you, and to women in general

He could have given you a STI

He’s does it once he will do it again

Your relatives are batshit

Babyghirl · 28/09/2021 15:55

@Feelingparanoid
I laugh at his family only one mistake he has made, like 55 mistakes prop more.

Don't go back tell his family they can deal with him your walking away with your dignity intact.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:56

Most prostitutes use condoms, and.most punters won't have sex with prostitutes who dont use them.

They're not perfect for hpv (and hsv) but much much better than without. You could have an hov test done and if you're negative maybe you don't have to tell partners.
You wouldn't be at higher risk of passing them hpv, probably even less than people who have multiple partners without condoms.

Prostitutes do tend to fmdo oral sex without condoms, and receive ot without dental dams etc. However infection is less common those ways. Esp the man getting anything from oral on him.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:58

Nobody would be guilting him over the decision he made to end a marriage based on his feelings if you had 55 reviews.

Yeah she'd be the whore of babylon, by default a bad mother/influence, and they'd tell everyone they could what she'd done. It'd be gossiped about for years.

Original poster
Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 15:59

@KimDeals

UGH!!!! The father of my children was also using prostitutes from AW. I have left him.

It is AMAZING how people minimise AW …

I do think they end up addicted to the process - the trawling/selection - checking availability - booking - the meeting itself. Rinse and repeat. But who cares. It’s wrong.

Fuck the relatives. They like to minimise and forget.

If it’s not a big deal, is it ok for their daughters to work on AW on the weekends maybe?

My ex had only one review … it made my skin absolutely crawl… making out like it was a fun filled date with fun sex…

I identify with the skin crawl xx

Yes, most of the women who reviewed him refer to their 'date', call him 'darling' and thank him etc. But I know that's standard as these women want repeat appointments from men they know are safe, so will flatter their clients.

I can only imagine some of the awful experiences these women have to endure, so to have an appointment with someone like my STBXH must be like gold-dust. (Although he's a lousy husband, he IS a clean, funny, generous, and friendly person).

The reviews acts like mutual ego massage IMO. Addictive in itself.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 28/09/2021 15:59

Sorry - cross-posted!
Ignoring and blocking is probably best. I would want revenge to send proof and to be vindicated, but that's me.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:59

In fact her mental stability would no doubt be questioned as well.

Plumtree391 · 28/09/2021 16:03

It is up to you how you proceed but I do wonder how the relatives found out. It's not something most people would talk about to their family.

Plumtree391 · 28/09/2021 16:06

Just to add, whether you get back with him or not, in your place I would certainly forgive him; it is a horrible thing to have done for all sorts of reasons but I don't see it as an unforgivable sin. Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Forgiving him doesn't have to equate staying with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2021 16:08

The relatives are his relatives, not mine

You don't say Hmm

It happened to me, OP, only the "once" turned out to have been repeated visits from the age of 17 and all through our 30 plus years of marriage
I'm sure the relatives are struggling to come to terms with what he is - they probably don't want to risk having to tell others why your marriage ended either - but you really don't have to listen to this nonsense. If pushed I'd just go with something like "Why would I risk my health with a user of prostitutes?", preferably in the hearing of folk whose opinion matters to them

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 28/09/2021 16:10

It’s hardly the only “one bad thing” he’s ever done when he’s done it 55+ times is it?! They just mean he’s only been caught the once!

Obviously you shouldn’t forgive him, leave this whole weird family.

Original poster
Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 16:10

@Plumtree391

Just to add, whether you get back with him or not, in your place I would certainly forgive him; it is a horrible thing to have done for all sorts of reasons but I don't see it as an unforgivable sin. Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Forgiving him doesn't have to equate staying with him.

You're probably thinking about the benefit to me of forgiveness - which is an entirely admirable line of thinking, and I do admit to having some admiration for religious teachings along these lines eg Christianity. I am not religious, and I expect what will happen is that I will get to the 'meh' stage, where I'm really not that bothered. I do not plan to actively forgive as right now that feels wrong. So, getting to the 'meh' stage will have the same effect as proactive forgiveness anyway so I'm not going to sweat it.
OP posts:
knittingaddict · 28/09/2021 16:11

No I couldn't. He wouldn't be the man I thought he was or wanted him to be, twice over. Once for being unfaithful and once again for using women in that way.

KimDeals · 28/09/2021 16:11

@Feelingparanoid you’re right I’d say the reviews themselves are all part of it. Now I think of it, I want a bit mad (as in, almost went mental) from reading so much on the site… putting myself into his shoes… seeing how commodified they women are.

I remember thinking, is this how he sees women? - as they walk past in a shopping centre - their size and stats, their sex likes, will or won’t do anal… the silly little ‘cute’ things on their profile about how much they love sex, but might be a little shy too!

My head was absolutely destroyed and a while I stopped logging into his account and looking, for my own sanity.

I’m really sorry you’re going through it too. The relatives are really not helping.

In our case, the relatives were absolutely horrified. However, and wow was this a shock - after a while they seemed to choose to “forget”… and the reasons for me leaving, were changed… and apparently I was “hard work” and his infidelity was whitewashed from history. It must be human nature, but it was absolutely baffling. His prostitute use (and his huge gambling problem) were deleted.

Hugs.

knittingaddict · 28/09/2021 16:14

This is one of the reasons I have given him - but he seems unable to comprehend it. It's almost like he thinks these women are in it for dates, for enjoyable illicit sex. When I mentioned commodification he just looked at me blankly or like he didn't agree with me.

He doesn't need to understand it, comprehend it or agree with you in any way. If you want to leave him, then you can. You don't need his engagement or permission. He would be beyond my consideration.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 16:15

Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

What sexual misdemeanors have most adult women committed in their lives?

knittingaddict · 28/09/2021 16:16

Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Have they Plumtree? I'm not sure that's true.

Original poster
Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 16:18

[quote KimDeals]@Feelingparanoid you’re right I’d say the reviews themselves are all part of it. Now I think of it, I want a bit mad (as in, almost went mental) from reading so much on the site… putting myself into his shoes… seeing how commodified they women are.

I remember thinking, is this how he sees women? - as they walk past in a shopping centre - their size and stats, their sex likes, will or won’t do anal… the silly little ‘cute’ things on their profile about how much they love sex, but might be a little shy too!

My head was absolutely destroyed and a while I stopped logging into his account and looking, for my own sanity.

I’m really sorry you’re going through it too. The relatives are really not helping.

In our case, the relatives were absolutely horrified. However, and wow was this a shock - after a while they seemed to choose to “forget”… and the reasons for me leaving, were changed… and apparently I was “hard work” and his infidelity was whitewashed from history. It must be human nature, but it was absolutely baffling. His prostitute use (and his huge gambling problem) were deleted.

Hugs.[/quote]
Absolutely. 100% of what you experienced, (apart from the gambling) I am also experiencing. It's bizarre, unexpected but reassuring to know that I'm having a 'normal' response in line with yours.

I caught myself looking at a young woman the other day as I drove past her and virtually seeing her in the way I imagine he views women - as a sex object, essentially. It's incredibly destructive.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 28/09/2021 16:18

I wonder how his family would feel if it was their husbands doing it though?

They can hardly leave honest reviews can they?

Bagamoyo1 · 28/09/2021 16:22

I can imagine forgiving an affair, but never someone going to prostitutes. It demonstrates such a fundamental lack of morals that I could never get past it.
I always find it baffling how so many men truly believe that prostitutes enjoy the experience, because they gasp and moan and say nice things afterwards. As if they’re actually going to say “you repulse me and I’m only doing this for the money” !

FWBNC · 28/09/2021 16:22

@Plumtree391

Just to add, whether you get back with him or not, in your place I would certainly forgive him; it is a horrible thing to have done for all sorts of reasons but I don't see it as an unforgivable sin. Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Forgiving him doesn't have to equate staying with him.

Sure you would.

Being male gives you a very different perspective I'm sure, but most decent men wouldn't even agree with you.

FWBNC · 28/09/2021 16:24

That came out wrong. I merged 'decent men' and 'most men'. NO decent men would agree with you. If they agree with you, they're not decent IMO

Irishfarmer · 28/09/2021 16:32

I 100% would have left him!! As others have said he has no respect for women, or you, also he has put your health at risk. Do you have the STD too?

I wouldn't worry about his family, a friend of mine separated from her husband a few years back. She found out he was having an affair for over a year with a woman she worked with! A lot of his family think she should forgive him! Can't see it from her side at all.

Standrewsschool · 28/09/2021 16:32

Once on a drunken stag night could be a mistake. 55 times, deliberate, and unforgivable.

TopBlogger · 28/09/2021 16:37

"Could" forgive him - yes of course you could, they are right in that.

"Should"? - Hell no.

Well done for standing your ground @Feelingparanoid