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Original poster

Husband and prostitutes from the AW site

127 replies

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:19

Found out that husband had sex with prostitutes from the website Adultwork over a period of about two years. He says he stopped this activity about three years ago. Very long marriage. Would you forgive him?

I'm not asking for advice about what I should do (as I've already separated from him). I'm asking because there are some relatives who think I could (or 'should'?) forgive him and stay with him because by their reasoning this is 'the only bad thing he has done'. I have a vague feeling of being gaslighted by them, but not sure.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 28/09/2021 16:38

@Plumtree391

Just to add, whether you get back with him or not, in your place I would certainly forgive him; it is a horrible thing to have done for all sorts of reasons but I don't see it as an unforgivable sin. Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Forgiving him doesn't have to equate staying with him.

I haven’t….

Don’t lump your own feelings in with statistics.

thefourgp · 28/09/2021 16:42

As others have said, your husband’s family want what’s in their best interests, not what’s in your best interests. I was close to some of my ex DH’s family and it was incredibly painful when they minimised his abuse, made excuses for him and tried to lecture me that ‘I expected too much because men just don’t do housework, cook meals, take care of their children’ etc. I realised his attitude and lack of morals was enabled by them and I had to completely cut all ties. People often want an easy life and are much more likely to tell a victim to stop complaining than tell the perpetrator that their behaviour is unacceptable.

rwalker · 28/09/2021 16:47

I think only the people directly involved can answer this .

Rainbowheart1 · 28/09/2021 16:48

Only bad thing his done, no, he done it repeatedly!! Over two years!!

So basically you can do whatever you want as long as it’s only once and your a good person, does murder count?

leavesthataregreen · 28/09/2021 16:48

The 'only' bad thing he's ever done? That 'only' includes lying to you, cheating on you, wasting money and worst of all, risking your health and exploiting vulnerable women without caring why they are selling their bodies or who gets the proceeds.

Muttly · 28/09/2021 16:52

It startles me how, particularly women who are so conditioned not to be alone, try to gaslight others to accept damaging/abusive behaviour as well. Him visiting prostitutes is putting your health at risk, disrespecting you and really all women and anyone creating a situation suggesting you should accept that behaviour from your husband is psychologically and emotionally damaging you. Not having a spouse who visits prostitutes is a totally appropriate boundary.

Men engage is gaslighting behaviour too around prostitution but usually they minimise, rationalise and justify the behaviour and the impact it has, whereas women accept the enormity of the events but gaslight you to accept abuse/damaging behaviour. You have done the right thing OP

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 28/09/2021 16:55

No I couldn't forgive that at all

TableFlowerss · 28/09/2021 17:00

Absolutely not. I’d be requesting the divorce papers faster than he could request which prostitute!

Doomscrolling · 28/09/2021 17:00

If my DH had stuck his penis into 55 commodified women he'd be damned lucky if I left it attached to him.

What he's done is obscene and utterly without morals. He also put you at risk of STDs, and not only betrayed your trust but exhibited a disgusting view of women.

Like hell should you forgive him.

PermanentTemporary · 28/09/2021 17:06

I'm trying to imagine saying something like this to a female in-law who was divorcing a male relative of mine.

I might choose to stay in touch officially with the relative and not rock the boat - can't think I'd be sending him Christmas cards though. However, I really can't imagine telling the woman involved that 'it wasn't that bad'. To my aunt, who has herpes given to her by her ever loving husband before he fucked off for good with one of his women, for example?

I'm not sure about forgiveness. I wonder if it was heavily promoted by Christians in times when blood feuds were common and there were minimal legal structures available to most people? I can see that it promotes community functioning and may not always operate to oppress women, in fact, but given that you can divorce him and leave him to live his own life without penalty buying the consent of prostituted women that's all that practically is required. Christianity now is constantly focused on the emotional content of a decision, that it's no good if you don't REALLY MEAN it. In Judaism, for example, the focus is far more on what you do, not what you feel about it. A dignified withdrawal from the marriage and his life seems very forgiving to me.

Just about HPV and to help you make a decision about that. I wanted testing for it and was told by the NHS GUM that it was so common they no longer bother to test in the free range of tests they do. I was able to get a private test for absolutely everything that could possibly be passed on during sex, and HPV tested negative in fact (who knows how accurate that was) - they also found that I had a case of bacterial vaginosis and that was useful to get rid of. The cost was fairly eye-watering but just in case you want to think about it.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/09/2021 17:07

@PinkFootstool

Christ no. Especially whilst married. Absolutely unforgivable
This^
Amillionnc · 28/09/2021 17:10

I think I might have found his profile on AW and it's been going on far longer, with over 55 reviews left for him. The feedback left by the women describe him perfectly, some of the dates fit (including periods of no activity coinciding with life events) and the location and timing of the most recent visit are beyond coincidence.

I would want revenge. I would screenshot the reviews and send them to his relatives. Obviously he would deny it was him and his family won’t believe it but it will always be there in the back of their minds.

cookingisoverrated · 28/09/2021 17:11

Hard no.

NowEvenBetter · 28/09/2021 17:14

I’d be genuinely laughing in the face of his relatives. ‘ Na, you’re alright, cheers, you can have him back. Good luck with that’ and telling everyone you know exactly what the filthy man did.

MLMbotsno · 28/09/2021 17:14

Yuck, no way. Sick, lots of prostitution is trafficked. Vile man, I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

Amillionnc · 28/09/2021 17:15

@Plumtree391

Just to add, whether you get back with him or not, in your place I would certainly forgive him; it is a horrible thing to have done for all sorts of reasons but I don't see it as an unforgivable sin. Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

Forgiving him doesn't have to equate staying with him.

Shock you would forgive your partner for shagging 55 prostitutes?? Don’t you respect yourself?
NowEvenBetter · 28/09/2021 17:20

What on earth would any doormat be ‘forgiving’ such a dirty specimen for?! Victim blaming nonsense.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 28/09/2021 17:23

Sex with someone else (whatever there job) is a dealbreaker for me.

a friend went and he said that straight after he came she got up and wiped herself, put her clothes on and that was that

GoodnightGrandma · 28/09/2021 17:29

No.

Bookworm20 · 28/09/2021 17:31

No, I couldn't forgive this. I couldn't stay with someone who did this.
Bless you, I hope you're ok and you have support in other relatives - ignore those idiots minimising it - just block them.
I can't even imagine finding something like this out. What a horrible, horrible excuse for a man.

And as for the relatives. The apples clearly haven't fallen far in that family have they.

TintinIsBack · 28/09/2021 17:36

I think the relatives are minimising and want you to minimise too so it confirms their stance.
Because if you forgive, it cant be that bad right?

I have to say, it would tempt me to go the other way and make me want to tell everyone about what he did and how unforgivable it is.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/09/2021 17:39

His attitude to women is repellent. His family's attitude to his attitude to women - as if exploiting vulnerable sex workers is a minor misdemeanour akin to farting in public - is also repugnant.

They clearly think their precious boy is entitled to take exactly what he likes. And are willing to gaslight you, his ex partner, into also tolerating his hideous misogynist behaviour and beliefs.

Their attitude shows precisely why your ex is the way he is. I'd hit the 'delete' button on the lot of them.

Ellie56 · 28/09/2021 17:48

Plumtree

Most adults have committed some sort of sexual misdemeanour in their life.

How can you possibly know that? Hmm

Ellie56 · 28/09/2021 17:50

'the only bad thing he has done'.

Er no, he's done at least 55 bad things. Yuck what a vile sleaze he is. You do right dumping him.

candlelightsatdawn · 28/09/2021 17:52

Ignore any family member or friends who say it's ok to turn blind eye.

This people are the reason why men do this. Because no one has called them out on this shit.