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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and prostitutes from the AW site

127 replies

Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 14:19

Found out that husband had sex with prostitutes from the website Adultwork over a period of about two years. He says he stopped this activity about three years ago. Very long marriage. Would you forgive him?

I'm not asking for advice about what I should do (as I've already separated from him). I'm asking because there are some relatives who think I could (or 'should'?) forgive him and stay with him because by their reasoning this is 'the only bad thing he has done'. I have a vague feeling of being gaslighted by them, but not sure.

OP posts:
ManifestingJoy · 28/09/2021 15:27

@Feelingparanoid

These are the responses I would have expected.

The relatives are his relatives, not mine, and I'm wondering if there's some familial narcissism going on and that's why they haven't responded in the way I would expect.

Ah, I wondered if they were his relatives or yours.

Once my x grabbed me so hard across the face just before his mother arrived that she could see the finger shaped red marks on my face but she still blamed me for leaving. She was still convinced I was ''mentally ill'' and that I'd had everything I'd ever wanted................ (surely I was the judge of that)

Don't doubt yourself Wine

The day I left my x he grabbed me by the hair and dragged me to the ground and I ended up with a very bloodshot eye. I took a picture. When I later sent it to his mother (I shouldn't have got in to this game but I was young) she said ''that could be faked''. Confused

I hope YOUR relatives support your right to have a reaction and to make a decision.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:27

@Feelingparanoid

These are the responses I would have expected.

The relatives are his relatives, not mine, and I'm wondering if there's some familial narcissism going on and that's why they haven't responded in the way I would expect.

I think most people, especially those bothered about reputation and image, would much much rather their in law stayed and (presumably) kept quiet about their relatives infidelity and used of prostitutes.... than that the in law left and perhaps answered questions honestly about why they left.

Even in today's society, it makes someone look like a scum bag and degenerate.

I'm sure they'd much rather you put up and v Importantly, shut up. They'll probably eel their reputations are soiled by association.

Also the may be thinking about his finances, and don't want you "waltzing" off with half his assets, pension etc since its a long marriage.

Whether, underneath all those selfish, expedient readibs they truly believe its only one bad thing that shouldn't be a deal breaker, who knows. I bet they'd feel differently if it was their spouse who done it though (unless they're absolute door mats).

dworky · 28/09/2021 15:28

God, no! He's not only betrayed you & your marriage you selfishly exploited an impoverished woman.
You don't need a person like this in your life.

AdmiralCain · 28/09/2021 15:29

Wow, what Recyclemeee2111 said, 55 affairs!! Unprotected sex and STI's he could have passed on to you. Ask his family if they could have forgiven that.
I doubt they were all independent escorts, some of them may have been sex traffic'd girls.
1 is a mistake, I'm pretty sure by 55 times he knew what he was doing. I'm glad to hear you're separated from him

ManifestingJoy · 28/09/2021 15:30

Omg, 55 reviews? I'm sure not every woman reviewed him every time so that number is probably much higher.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:32

I'd be tempted to test it for an experiment; if any if then are women; tell them actually you can't keep it to yourself any longer, it's not right ... that you know their spouse visited brothels and booked appointments with prostitutes alongside yours; watch their faces before you tell them you're picking them.

If it's men who said that, well its self explanatory why they'd minimise and discuss. One has to wonder what they get up to, given they've been raised in the same household or raised someone who crossed the line not only into mariral infidelity but into the deepest end of the sex industry.

RosieCockle · 28/09/2021 15:33

FIFTY-FIVE reviews!!! Good God.
Despicable behaviour.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:34

*you're punking them

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:34

@RosieCockle

FIFTY-FIVE reviews!!! Good God. Despicable behaviour.
And you don't you don't if he reviewed every prostitute he used.
girlmom21 · 28/09/2021 15:36

He's outrageous and they're worse for telling you to forgive him.

You've done the right thing.

Chocaholic9 · 28/09/2021 15:37

55 times. My God. 1 is bad enough. So disgusting that he put your health at risk. You could have caught HIV. What would the family have said then? That you should forgive?

Putting your health at risk like that is also unforgivable.

timesachangin · 28/09/2021 15:37

Jesus. Don't forgive, dont forget, block and delete and totally avoid these people.

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:39

the only bad thing he has done'.

And if you'd fucked at least 55 male escorts in your free time behind his back over a couple of years (if true), would that be the o ly bad thing you'd done in theory marriage and something something should accept abd forgive?Hmm

RosiePosieDozy · 28/09/2021 15:41

No way would I forgive. What would forgiving achieve anyway? He clearly never loved you. What he's done is repulsive. I'd struggle to ever lay eyes on him again.

It's nothing to do with his family. Their opinions don't matter. It's your life and was your marriage.

KimDeals · 28/09/2021 15:41

UGH!!!!
The father of my children was also using prostitutes from AW. I have left him.

It is AMAZING how people minimise AW …

I do think they end up addicted to the process - the trawling/selection - checking availability - booking - the meeting itself. Rinse and repeat. But who cares. It’s wrong.

Fuck the relatives. They like to minimise and forget.

If it’s not a big deal, is it ok for their daughters to work on AW on the weekends maybe?

My ex had only one review … it made my skin absolutely crawl… making out like it was a fun filled date with fun sex…

SleepingBunnies21 · 28/09/2021 15:41

@RosieCockle

FIFTY-FIVE reviews!!! Good God. Despicable behaviour.
Quite the professional punter.

As for the "stopped a few years ago and not done it since" ... the prostitutes who've posted on here say once a punter, always a punter. He'd probably be back at it sooner or later, as long as his dick works (or possibly even if ot doesn't).

Joystir59 · 28/09/2021 15:43

Concentrate on living yourself, looking after yourself, developing yourself and let his family wallow in sleaze with him. Congratulations on breaking free Flowers

Joystir59 · 28/09/2021 15:43

Loving yourself

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 28/09/2021 15:46

Well done you for leaving this disgusting, lying pig of a man. Imagine how much family money he has spent ? Buying women is awful behaviour.

Do not let these people brainwash you into thinking you are wrong here.

You are right, so, so right!

Original poster
Feelingparanoid · 28/09/2021 15:47

I was initially terrified about any STDs I might have caught. It was a very emotional call I had to make to the clinic. Thankfully I'm clear although I feel I would have to disclose to any future partners the possibility of being a carrier of HPV. Somewhat kills any romance.
Feeling more positive now that I have some possible explanations about why the relatives are acting the way they are. To ignore and block is the best advice and I will stick to that.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 28/09/2021 15:50

No way- long marriage or not, he's disgusting and doesn't deserve you or another chance!

I hope you kept screenshots of all 55 reviews. They would make a nice "family" letter to those who expect you to forgive.

Flowers
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2021 15:50

I would be blocking all of his relatives. You have no need to ever hear from these lunatics again.

Imcatmum · 28/09/2021 15:54

As a wife, a feminist and as a human, hell no would I forgive him.

Forget about HPV, that's not something you need to disclose the possibility of any more than anyone who has slept with 1 or more people. I've slept with 3 people and have it. It actually wouldn't occur to me to tell a partner about it as it's so normal and not an issue when it's not active. Many many many many people have it and EVERYONE else has the possibility of having it if they've EVER been sexually active.

Opentooffers · 28/09/2021 15:54

Geez, if you noticed an STI, You m guessing Herpes as other things are pretty hard to spot, in which case he may well have that on/off for life, so best to stay well clear of the disgusting turd.
Can't be the only thing he's done, I'm sure he's also guilty of a v poor misogynistic attitude throughout his entire life, that and being entitled and valuing a woman's health and life below his needs for gratification, are more reasons to disengage from him.

ManifestingJoy · 28/09/2021 15:54

@SleepingBunnies21

the only bad thing he has done'.

And if you'd fucked at least 55 male escorts in your free time behind his back over a couple of years (if true), would that be the o ly bad thing you'd done in theory marriage and something something should accept abd forgive?Hmm

This is so true. Nobody would be guilting him over the decision he made to end a marriage based on his feelings if you had 55 reviews.
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