What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[madmumofteens]

Oh OP I'm so sorry to hear what has happened you have to leave for your sake and your unborn child!! Get support from your family or friends report him to the police you do not deserve any of this 💐 you are braver than you think x

[Firetimeagain]

BarbedButterfly

[Skatastic]

Leave. He gave you an STI and assaulted you. Report to the police so you have it on record and leave.

He spat on you.

[Crystalvas]

It dosn’t look like OP is comming back on here. Hopefully shes ok.

[Beelzebop]

@ncneedadvice I'm so sorry and sad for you. I hope you are OK at the minute and safe. I bet it was a dreadful shock for you and you probably feel very let down. Remembering it was his decision to act like that. You had no influence on that at all

[Lili132]

You know what you have to do and as much as I understand how scary it is to leave now you need to understand it will be more scary to stay. Inform the police and leave.
You should not give people second chances - abusers always take advantage of that and push boundaries even further.
Sometimes it's scary and uncomfortable to do the right things in life but if we don't we pay tenfold later.

[Lili132]

Also OP and I mean it kindly - you sound like an abuse victim. Talking about soul mates, second chances, seeing best in people rather then looking at what is.
This kind of thinking will make you stuck in abusive situations because it will stop you from leaving.
Your husband sounds like someone who is stunted emotionally. Intentional bulling, cheating and lack of empathy are signs of someone with high narcisstic or antisocial traits. Those people are extremely toxic but can be very charming (perfect "soul mate" material)!

If you have any family, friends - lean on them. You need space away from it all to see clearly what is happening.

[me4real]

A size 8-10 is pretty slim BTW OP (not that that's particularly relevant, I just meant try not to take to heart his B.S.)

[oatmilk4breakfast]

OP just wanted to check in - are you ok?

[Justilou1]

Oh my god, I am so very angry on your behalf. He is trying to make you responsible for his bad behaviour. There is absolutely NO was he hasn’t done something wrong, or isn’t planning to. He is setting you up to be the fall guy because he’s trying to break up with you in the most toxic, psychologically damaging way possible. Get him to leave. Today. He is not your soulmate. He is a misogynistic, weak, gaslighting, spineless coward. I hope you and your child are safe and have lots of family and friends to support you. Now here is some advice that you need to take very seriously. You need to tell everyone. A) about the fact that he cheated on you. That wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have to protect him or his feelings. He isn’t a fragile little flower, and he was responsible for his own behaviour. He needs to acknowledge this and he needs to admit this to people other than you. B) You need to tell everyone you know about his behaviour today. Everyone will see it for what it is and support you. I suspect they will also recognize other examples of this and feel more confident discussing them with you and help you remain strong.
Do the Freedom Program.
Don’t put him on the Birth Certificate.
Don’t allow him at the birth.

[1forAll74]

It's a one sided love, with nothing of the sort coming from your Husband. You are being deluded in your thoughts about him. Have you conveniently forgotten about all the other horrible things he has done, as in being controlling about your weight, not to mention his cheating and giving you a STD some time ago. It sounds like you have a Husband, who is not to be trusted in any way, It's not going to be a happy ride for you if you stay with him.

[Toutsain]

It will get worse. You need to get some people around you. Tell everyone- do NOT keep this to yourself. Your main decision is whether to walk out or change the locks. Either way, report to the police. I’ve been there and it’s not easy, but next time he loses his temper he could kill your baby or you or both.

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

The op has posted twice
The last time being 3 days ago

[layladomino]

There are some issues you read on mumsnet that have an element of 'grey area' about them. A matter of opinion. Different people might think different things.

BUT your situation is not one of those. This man is a vile abuser. He doesn't love you. He had an affair after 6 months?!! That is the exciting new relationship time, when you said you were ridiculously happy together. You shouldn't have taken him back then. He showed you who he was very early on.

He tells you to lose weight. He tells you he doesn't like big women when you're pregant. He slaps you. He spits in your face. He won't share his phone details with you when he previously agreed he would. And that is a certain sign he's up to no good.

Think about it - if he was innocent and there was nothing incriminating on his phone, he would have been only too keen to show you, as he was being so vile to you in that moment he would have been very happy to show you you were wrong.

So he is having an affair again. The only other possible reason for refusing to show you would be that he WANTS you to feel insecure, which also fits with him telling you you're fat.

Whatever, he is vile. He is no catch. You deserve so much better than this monster.

Please look after you and your baby, and leave him. He will only get worse. He has shown he's happy hitting you, next time might be worse. Think of your child. They need a strong, happy mum. They don't need a loser for a dad making their homelife miserable.

[Queenie6655]

Hope all ok OP

Lots of good advice on here xxxx

[NCkitchen]

Please leave ❤

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I am so sorry. What an appalling man. Get support from wherever you can. You need to move out asap and go to family or if needs be a refuge and start divorce proceedings.

[Jesskir89]

Ltb please. For yoj and tour baby

[Jesskir89]

You and your baby so for typos x

[pollyroo]

"Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath"

OP you are deluded. Very deluded.

Get away from this man ASAP, far far away.

[PopcornPeacock]

He's not your soulmate, he's an absolute fucking bastard of a violent twat.....and he won't change.

Don't be deluded. Leave this relationship and run far, far away. FOREVER.

[hopesndreams210310]

He got you where he wanted you, now leave before it gets worse. He will do it again, and you will likely struggle to trust him with your child. He sounds like an absolute waste of space. Please please get away from him.

[Tryagainplease]

You need to leave him OP. NOW. Do not stay with this man any longer than is absolutely necessary. You and your unborn are in danger here.

[Bonbon21]

I am sorry sweetheart..but this IS his character.
Better you see it cleary NOW.. than after the baby arrives and you are even more vulnerable..
You need to send him on his way.. you are so strong for yourself and the baby you carry... he will NOT get better with time.
There is NO excuse or reason for a man using physical violence.

[romdowa]

This is not how a husband should behave, especially to his pregnant wife. Domestic violence often starts during pregnancy and continues to escalate. Please get yourself away from this man and somewhere safe, he is not your soul mate or your best friend. Your soul mate would not assault you or berate you for gaining weight during pregnancy. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I've gained a stone and a half and my dp tells me I look amazing every day. Don't subject your child to a life of abuse.