What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[CheesusWept]

He is an abusive bastard. He is absolutely vile.
Phone the police and report him for assaulting you. This is only going to get worse.

[Fluffycloudland77]

You need to go to the police, one day you might need proof he’s done this.

We knew a woman who stayed saying he’d never hurt their kids so it was ok but he did start to abuse them too so she left.

He’s not safe to be around the baby either, violent men kill babies.

He’s definitely not your soul mate and he’s very likely shagging someone on the side now your not putting out.

[HollysBush]

Wow. Have my first LTB.

[ChargingBuck]

Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together

No you are NOT.

Does your best friend cheat on you, give you an STI, lie to you, deliberately goad you about your appearance, value you only for your weight, sulk at you about physical contact, refuse to accept let alone sympathise with your pregnancy tiredness, force you onto scales in order to castigate you for pregnancy weight gain, demand to cruelly assess your naked body in the shower, tell you how much they dislike it, grit their teeth at you in rage ...

... & then hit you, repeatedly?

Do you have family or friends close by?
Can you go to them, tell them everything, & decide if you want to call the police?
That's my advice - & that's ALL you need to do for right now.
You need people in real life to look after you for a night, & you need someone to talk to & be comforted by xx

[Feelinglow27]

I've read many things on here but this is one of the only ones that have made me gasp out loud.

Please leave.

[OrangeTortoise]

He smacked you three times in the face and then spat on you. He has not an ounce of love or respect for you

[Ellarain]

Oh my God, he is disgusting, vile and violent. Leave now please.You need to protect you and your unborn baby. It will get worse.

[LastGirlSanding]

This is awful and i’m very sorry you’re experiencing this. Other people have pointed it out but while soulmates is a nice romantic notion it’s really a terrible concept to have in your situation as it will absolutely keep you stuck. A soulmate would never do this to you, would never feel it ‘deep down’ or underneath - hell, just a decent, non-abusive man wouldn’t be someone you think is a good man and truly cares ‘deep down’. They’d just treat you with respect and consideration through the hard times as well as the easy times. Please don’t let this belief you are ‘meant to be’ blind you to what is really happening.

[Wizzbangfizz]

This makes for absolutely horrific reading - do you have support? Imagine this was your daughter who wrote this - what would your advice be to her?

Leave, this man is an abusive, violent cheat, this is not love.

[Itstimetoquit]

Get out and stay out,he's a horrible man x

[CatalinaCasesolver]

I gasped out loud at your OP, I'm so sorry if this is real that this is the situation you are in. This man is abusive and abuse often escalates during pregnancy. Personally I would have left at the comments about weight but to HIT you and spit at you is just awful. Trust me I've been there myself, it will not get better, you need to leave ASAP.

[LittlePearl]

@HollysBush

Wow. Have my first LTB.

And have mine too.

He sounds utterly repellent.

[CatalinaCasesolver]

Also please, please report him to the police for this. You may need this as evidence he is violent and abusive if he takes you to court.

[SisterAgatha]

I used to believe in soul mates but the older I have got the more I see this description used by abusive people to tighten their grip.

Whenever I see the word soul mates used, I instantly think oh right, that ain’t healthy. And you know what, this situation isn’t. Leave now before the baby comes and there are other things in the way and “reasons” to stay.

[optimistic40]

Oh God, no, he is an absolute dick. Abusive and revolting. You and your child will be happier without him. I'm sorry.

[Cuddlemuffin]

It will only get worse when the baby arrives. It is widely known that babies put stress on a relationship and considering the state of yours currently I don't even want to think about what your husband will be like after endless sleepless nights and his needs being put second after the baby. If you stay with him after this you are sending a clear message that you think it'd acceptable for him to behave this way towards you. You deserve better. Good men exist and they do not do this. The reason you don't want to tell your friends and family is because you are ashamed of his actions, but they are his not yours. Maybe they will tell you to leave, if they do it's because they love you more than he does.Tell them and see how they react and support you. I really hope you get out for the sake of your child. You have the opportunity to save a child, you child from being witness of or victim in an abusive relationship.

[JoeyMuzzo]

Are you in Australia? There is a hotline 1800respect. You can talk to somebody there who should be trained to best help. Most women, even if they do decide to leave, can find this emotionally overwhelming. More often than not they do return time after time, it's no defect in them it's a well known phenomena in these situations. What often happens is everyone says "you are an idiot if you stay", the woman knows she shouldn't stay, but does, so then she not only has her original problem but also feels judged for staying. Find someone that understands domestic violence as is patient with what is going to be a massive emotional turmoil, not a support person that becomes exasperated that you emotionally may not be able to let him go as easily as they expect you should. Find someone experienced in the area of domestic violence, whatever course of action you take you are going to need support and guidance on your journey. Family and friends may have to best intentions but may not fully understand the emotional grip he has on you and how powerful that is. A good professional will be empathetic to your battle and help you reduce risks (whether you stay or go). I had a similar incident in the past and his me answer scared me so much I feared he could kill me. I loved him and couldn't give up on him. I went to the police and said I had been assaulted, I didn't want to name the person but wanted to make an anonymous statement as proof in case anything else happened in the future. The policewoman agreed to document what had happened and said she couldn't put it on the system without me telling her who did it but she would keep it in her drawer. I don't know if it's something they would do as standard practice but it might help if you get murdered or attacked again. It sounds dramatic but most murderers are just garden variety men so please don't think it can't happen to you, whatever you do please get professional help. Best of luck with things xx

[SteppedOnBloodyLego]

OP I could’ve written your post 8 years ago, please leave!
I stayed (eventually left after baby was born) and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

[QueenBee52]

this is appalling abuse... yet you still believe this STI ridden unfaithful fat shaming his pregnant wife is your Soul Mate...

OP you have been conditioned to believe he is the best you can do..

he is Abusing Scum

[Firetimeagain]

It goes something like this:

"It was an open hand .. I've seen people in old movies slap each other across the face .. is it really that bad? How can I let go of my dream of a family?"

Next time will come round sooner (if you stay) because now you realise there has been no perfect.

You are already sad and fearful and have lost trust in him.
There will be more tension between you. He will feel guilty but will look for ways to blame you. The verbal and emotional abuse will step up.

You're pretty sure he is seeing someone so he will be secretive and will get angry if you question him.

You might kid yourself you are being strong by standing up to him - you mentioned giving him a shove, when you couldn't take any more verbal abuse.

He will continue and increase the verbal and emotional abuse. You cannot win. Say nothing and he will despise you more, try to stand up to him and it gives him the perfect excuse to beat you up.

Did I mention the constant tension?

Next time it will just be that you looked at him the wrong way, or you've done something he doesn't like. It will start with "I've told you not to .." so that you will believe it's your fault. You've set him off.

Next time it will be a closed fist, or he will grab you by the throat

By then any confidence you started out with when you met him will have evaporated.

Time after that he won't be able to stop himself from kicking you.

Your strength and resolve will have gone by then, and you might have a baby to consider.

On here we know the way it goes OP.

It's a very sad day and realisation, but now you know you have to find the strength to leave.

[HateJudgmentalPeople]

Leave and don’t look back, funny how he controlled himself from violence the whole time in the past yet then when you are at the most vulnerable stage then he hits you! He sounds like a complete and utter bastard even before the violence and many boys that seen their father hit their mother turn out this way, I blame the father for doing it and the woman for putting up with it, it’s a shitty message to send to your boy and the cycle will keep getting repeated if it doesn’t stop.

Leave and never go back.

[TheAverageUser]

I would leave.
This was such a hard read, he sounds like a cruel man and your child deserve better x

[Dillydollydingdong]

If he's done it once, he'll do it again. And it's not just you, there's the baby to think of. What a disgusting abusive piece of shit. Get out now, before it's too late

[PaterPower]

The cheating, the abusive comments about your weight and body shape, the moodiness, gaslighting (the phone) and now physical abuse.

That’s one hell of a lot of red flags OP.

Report the physical abuse, tell your family, and get out of that ‘marriage’

[Queenie6655]

@Mumoblue

Call women’s aid, call your family, call whoever you can. Get away from him.
He has done it once, while you’re PREGNANT- he will do it again.

He is not your soulmate. He is a creep with no respect for the mother of his child. You are not “meant to be” with someone who hits you and spits on you.

Get out as fast as possible.

Yes

This was me not so long ago
It gets worse

Much worse

So woman's aid
Police
Restraining order

So so sorry for you

I wish I had the strength to leave
Right away

Plus the good people on here tried to warn me too


Please stay safe xxxxxxxx