What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[Bellyups]

OH. MY. WORD

I actually think I’m fucking speechless. Do what the other posters have said

[forthelaughs]

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you've experienced this and genuinely cannot believe what I've read. Pregnancy can be one of the hardest time in a woman's life and your husband has constantly shamed your body and made horrible comments. The fact that he tried to humiliate you by getting on the scales is enough in itself but to slap you three times and spit on you?! Even if he slapped you once or spit on you, I'd be giving the same advice.

There's no way you can stay with him. This is not an 'accident' or a 'one time thing.' As some pp have mentioned, physical abuse has a pattern of starting once the woman is pregnant/had the baby. He's done it once and we need you to understand he will do this again. There's no 'underneath it all.' He has shown you what sort of person he is no matter how loving he's appeared to be in the past. It's one thing to accept cheating and a STD but you can't move past him putting his hands on his PREGNANT wife.

I'm truly sorry this has happened, please confide in friends or family and don't worry about 'tainting' what sort of person they perceive him to be as he is honestly a monster. Please stay safe and look after yourself during your pregnancy.

[sanmiguel]

Please leave. Have you any support? Pregnancy is a high risk time and I'm not surprised to hear the control has escalated to physical violence now. Sorry you're going through this. Please listen to the advice of all above. Best of luck.

[Crystalvas]

I agree with forthlaughs. Same thing happened to a friend of mine it started when she was pregnant and escslated from there. You need to tell him to leave. Call the police and report the assault and speak to your midwive. Rally support now. You’ll feel vunerable when babys born so you need to get rid. now before the babies born. This will not get better it’ll only get worse.

[ncneedadvice]

Thank you for all your comments. I know what I need to do. It's so hard

[StarsAboveMe]

I’m so sorry you have experienced this @ncneedadvice.

But you need to start giving yourself some tough love for your own and your baby’s sake.

He is not your soulmate or the love of your life: would someone who was either of those things verbally, emotionally and physically abuse you?

It sounds to me like you were love bombed by a manipulator who has used the idea of soulmates against you from the very beginning with the STD.

He will do it again. If he says sorry this time he will twist it to blame you and start to train you never to challenge him on anything.

He doesn’t love you or your baby : if he loves anything it’s power over you.

Tell a friend or a relative or anyone : start reaching out to people who will support you through this. Tell your midwife. Flag it now that this man is a danger to you and your child so that he cannot use threats against you to keep you and your child with him.

This will be hard. And heartbreaking. But it will be easier to do it now than further down the line when he has shattered every bit of self esteem you have and you have a small child to factor in.

[Moooning]

Jesus Christ, are you mad?? You are not soul mates or best friends. You should have left him the minute you found out he had given you an STI by cheating on you. What did you learn about relationships and self worth growing up?

Do your unborn child a favour and leave him. Now. It will be so mush worse once the baby comes along. Babies and children know when their mothers are unhappy and parental relationships are rotten at the core, like yours is. Trust me, I know this as the adult child of married parents who have resented each other my whole life. My dad was violent to my mother before I was born - she swiftly 'put her foot down' about that and it stopped. Only for him to start violently shaking/hitting me as a toddler until I was a teenager, but never when my mother was around. She only found out when I and my siblings told her about his infrequent but violent outbursts towards us years later. I know she feels terrible now - not just for that, but because of the bitterness and frustration she took out on us in the form of verbal and emotional abuse. As with all children who are unable to process or understand what is going on - especially being the eldest - I blamed myself for their unhappiness.

Now my siblings and I are all pathologically avoidant and or anxious in romantic relationships, and two of us avoid real emotional connection in relationships completely. We find it hard to trust people, and we have all struggled with anxiety, depression and self loathing. I watched my mother balloon due to comfort eating to cope with her feelings, and the lack of intimacy from my father. I learned how to repress all my anger and sadness, and developed a serious eating disorder that nearly killed me. I still struggle with it now at almost 40.

On the outside you would never know this about me - I hide it well. But I will never get over the pain and sadness I saw in my parents, and felt so deeply as a child.

Get out now.

[Firetimeagain]

I knew how it was to end from the first mention of you feeling itchy ncneedadvice.
You're in no doubt now.
I think you knew what he was up to when you were in the shower on the receiving end of verbal abuse.
Something inside you could feel that he was deflecting blame for his cheating arse, on to you.
He is never Going to change.

You don't have any choice. You know that.

Either leave or report him to the police & get all the locks changed.
Let him fuck off to whoever he is love-bombing at the minute

[Firetimeagain]

Poor Nicole Brown.
How her family and friends must have felt, knowing what was happening & being power to stop it.

The power is in your hands OP

[Firetimeagain]

Powerless, obv

[RosieCockle]

You are NOT soul mates. Soul mates don't slag off their pregnant wives for putting on weight while pregnant or spit in their (or ANYONE's) face.
Wake up and smell the coffee.

[Crikeyalmighty]

I actually feel quite ill having just read this. OP , please call the police ASAP and get an order against him. I’m hoping you have family to lean on- please tell them too straight away . I know it’s so hard - You write very eloquently, you know deep down he’s a cheating arsewipe and clearly a horrible person who has fooled you into thinking he is something he isn’t. You are way way better than this— please take immediate action now , both for you and your unborn baby.

[Garbanzo]

Have you told anyone in real life? That may give you strength to act. You need to leave, report him and expose him for what he is.

[girlmom21]

You're not soul mates. He's a cheating, abusive prick.

[Tellmewhat]

That is very shocking. Sadly you are In denial about how awful it is because you believe he is your soulmate underneath but sorry he’s not.

[HollowTalk]

You simply are not soulmates with this controlling abusive man. The fact you even think you are shows have caught up you are in his insanity.

[spotcheck]

Oh my word.....
Please don't believe anything that comes out of this man's mouth. He will try and lie, gaslight and manipulate.
Gosh, this is disturbing.

[NapoleonOzmolysis]

Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath.

Wake up. He hit his pregnant wife and told her to stop eating. Because he felt like it. What's he going to do when the baby's crying keeps him up all night and you can't face sex? He's no friend of yours.

[alloverthecarpetagain]

Get out now before the baby is born. He won't get any better than this and you will soon have two of you to protect from him. Get help and get out, don't listen to him any more.

[mommybear1]

You can do this OP you have to think of yourself and your baby. If he has hit you once he will do it again. Tell your family now, if this happened to your child in the future wouldn't you want to know and help them? Leave now.

[anonymousanne]

Wow, that was a tough read!
The thing that jumps out at me is you keep describing him as your soul mate, (personally I'm not big on this term) but my sister insist she and her H are soul mates and that he will realise it one day. She has spent over 20 years dealing with his lies, cheating and DV while waiting for the magic to reappear, and sure sometimes she thinks it has... but it never lasts!
He sounds absolutely awful! I think you've been swept up into a dream of what could be, not what is. He cheated on you very early on and made comments to impact your self esteem. DV doesn't happen overnight, it's a gradual thing, pulling you down, making you feel worthless, ugly, undesirable.
Of course now he is going to be sorry, he will probably cry, he will promise never to do it again... and he might not for a few months. But he will do it again.
If there was ever a thing as soul mate, he isn't it. We don't treat the ones we love like this.
If your (understandably) not interested in sex now and it's an issue for him I can assure you it won't necessarily get better when the baby arrives - newborns (and toddlers) are exhausting, add in the mundane running of the house, work, etc and the it's a passion killer.
My husband has barely slept in the same bed as me for 11 months because we can't get the baby out 🤦‍♀️ but he never ever make me feel bad or put the pressure on.
He should be telling you how beautiful you are not pulling you down. This is all the start of a very sad story. Your family are supportive, reach out and ask for help. Don't worry about what people think about being newly married etc. Sometimes things don't work out, and this one is very much on him.

[Flipflopfoodle]

Soul mates do not cheat, abuse or belittle their partners. You have to leave, as someone who had an abusive father it does affect the children even if they never get the abuse. And as someone who went on to be in an abusive relationship, it only ever gets worse.

[BombyliusMajor]

Please get yourself and your baby somewhere safe. He is not your soulmate. He is a cheat and an abuser.

[anonymousanne]

Also, he has hit you now in pregnancy for a reason... he knows you are vulnerable, he knows you will worried about what other people will think, he knows you will not want to split your family up, he knows you will be thinking you want your child to have two parents and come, he knows you will have fears about your ability to do this new, scary thing alone.
But you can do it. Honestly you can. There is no coming back from this

[Blueberry40]

Leave and don’t look back!