What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[hereforthechat]

This is one of the worst things I have read on here. I am so sorry you are in this position. It's a scary prospect raising a baby alone but unfortunately that is the much better option here. You need to tell this story to the police. They will take it seriously. Even if you don't go ahead with anything at least it would be on record. You need to prevent custody. A man who slaps and spits on his pregnant wife should not be allowed access to a baby

[JoeyMuzzo]

Please do tell us what happens, I feel worried for you

[tocas]

This is the easiest LTB ever. This man is abusive and likely dangerous. Please get help and leave.

[Sassymcsasserson]

Abuse often starts during pregnancy. Please look get yourself and your baby and get away from him. Women's aid and also your midwife can also help.

[RosiePosieDozy]

You need to leave. You need to protect yourself and your child. If you don't leave, you are risking your life.

[neverornow]

Please leave ASAP.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and you must feel horrendous right now but I implore you take the advice from all of the previous posters, especially in regards to reporting this to the Police and getting a paper trail, as this is only the start. It will get worse if you stay.

[Ell17]

I'm so sorry OP!!

What a disgusting excuse of a human he is! This will NOT end well.
I would have left 6 months into the relationship. Keep your standards high and don't let anybody treat you like this.

RUN!

[ChippingSunflowers]

Please leave. Confide in a friend or family member and get refuge. Contact women’s aid they can help !
I’m so sorry your experiencing this especially when pregnant but there are so huge huge red flags of toxic behaviour that will only escalate if you stay !
Take care of you and little one

[me4real]

Leave/call the police. He just hit you, a pregnant woman, several times in the face.

[CallyWW]

He is NOT your soul mate!! You deserve so much better! He is a joke of a husband. Seriously, he's as bad as it gets! Get away from him before things escalate. He has shown you his true colours several times now, time to ditch this loser & take care of yourself & baby.

[timeisnotaline]

Please report this to the police.
Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together
No you are fucking well not soulmates, and no one is meant to be with an abusive person. Honestly a man calling his pregnant wife fat is kick him out territory, yours is both emotionally and physically abusive. If you stayed the physical would escalate. Please please report him to the police. And tell your friends- this is his shame not yours.

[SleepingBunnies21]

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Op

He was great when you were young, not pregnant, and employed.

Now life has got real and he has revealed himself to be utterly and completely wanky

Was he?

He cheated on her (at least once that she knows of) and infected her with an std.

[SleepingBunnies21]

Op, your h is a 24 carat, dyed in the wool, text book abuser, and the likelihood of him changing (and staying that way) is pretty much nil.

Cheating is a form of abuse, esp when you risk your partners health with stds.

Pressuring a (small, thin) woman about her weight, while not pregnant, is abuse.

Monitoring and pressuring a pregnant woman about her weight is abuse and by proxy abuse of her unborn child, whose nutritional.needs should not be dictated or limited by an unqualified non health/nutrition professional).

Pressuring (it sounds like) a pregnant woman to feel.she has to have sex and "pleasure" him, while she's not feelimg like it .. is abuse. Coercive really.
And let's not forget the ever present background thread of cheating again.

Hitting a pregnant woman (or anyone) in the face etc is abuse.

Spitting in someone's face is pure scum bag, nasty bastard territory. Very very aggressive, derogatory and disgusting. It says a lot aboit him, as if all the above is not enough.

There is only one thing you can do in order to have as happy a life for you and your child as possible .... and you know it.

Report his assault, speak to Women's aid or your midwife, get it recorded... you need to for your baby's sake. I would trust him in any way.

Abusers always get women to take their abuse wiry the while soul mates, love bombing thing.... actions are what matters, and his actions are abusive.

Its not you, its him.

[SleepingBunnies21]

Oh and if you feel you have to have sex with him, and he does cheat again/is cheating again, just keep in mind that several stds can damage foetuses.

This "man" needs put in the bin. He's nobody's soul mate, he's fucked up, an abuser, and potentially dangerous.

[SleepingBunnies21]

Also, a total aside but re his "weight" related abuse; many pregnant women gain weight through fluid etc., not even baby weight or fat ..... who the fuck is he to judge what is the makeup of any weight gain? Who the fuck is he to monitor pregnancy weight gain; he is either intensely stupid or abusive or both.

I read a post on here by a woman whose ex had done similar to ger during pregnancy, he had pressured her about weight gain before and throughout her pregnancy, implied he'd leave if she put any real.weight on or didn't lose any immediately. She went along with it and controlled her intake of food to a high degree during pregnancy, put on nothing other than her baby bump, very possibly deprived her unborn child of full nutrition (o don't remember if she mentioned the baby's birth weight) ... abd he still didn't stop abusing her, avd they still ended up finished.

But what struck me was that that man was actually abusing his child before they were even born. And he'd head fucked the mother so much, she sent along with it. Sad and disturbing.

[SleepingBunnies21]

*went along with it.

[SleepingBunnies21]

A lot of gratitude, consideration abd respect he's showing you for bringing his child into the world, for growing a new human inside your body ..

You're not allowed to slack off in sexual.services, you're not allowed to put on any weight, when you entirely naturally react to his insane weight monitoring and bullying, he hits you in the face and spits in your face.

His behaviour is getting worse and worse.as time and your commitment/investment level increases. He's showing himself for what he is, and by fuck that is ugly.

I know, like anyone, you want to believe this will go away or improve but it's extremely unlikely. He is who he is, and who he is is an abuser.

[SleepingBunnies21]

Also, as others have touched on, if your experience of a newborn, then young baby is anything anything mine (and many many people I know) you are in for months of demands, stress, sleep deprivation, hormonal shifts etc. It can ve really really hard work really stressful, very conducive to tension and arguments. Even couples where the man dies not have history of unreasonable behaviour or abuse can find themselves at each others throats, at breaking point etc.

I would not like to see what the newborn and early years experience would be like with a "man" like this in the mix.

[Maskless]

"Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together "

You need to rid yourself of this deluded nonsense belief or you will tolerate increasing abuse and violence until its your everyday life, witnessed by your child.

[Bogeyes]

You love him but he doesn't love you. Make your plans and leave. It will only get worse. He is abusive and controlling.

[IrishMel]

He is abusive and you are vulnerable and pregnant and he should not be making comments about your weight at all even if you were carrying extra as that is him seeking satisfaction by putting you down which is emotional abuse. Forcing you on the scales is just horrible and it is because you woke in a good mood and he wants to keep you down. Him shouting at you in the bathroom and in your face and commenting on your weight while you are carrying his child is disgusting. Him hitting you is abuse so he is physically and emotionally abusing you. Believe me he will get worse not better. Throw him out or leave and go anywhere and be safe as nothing you will ever do will be good enough. I would have left him after he cheated. Also report this to the police and keep a log of all the abuse. He sounds like an angry man who is been defensive and is probably cheating also. Look after yourself and be strong for you and the baby, easier to leave now before the baby is born. Tell your family and friends. Speak to a refuge or someone who can help you to see the truth of what he is and what he is capable of. He will only tear you down further.

[Itstimetoquit]

How are you op x

[Cakequeen1988]

How are you today OP? I hope you are safe today x

[Crystalvas]

Are you ok OP?

[BarbedButterfly]

You must be reeling and scared right now. I was ready to tell you to leave just from the weighing and comments about your body as I know from experience, this is how it starts. Them making you feel like you have to match up to some idealistic image in their head and he has already started that by cheating early on so you probably always feel pressured to keep him happy and satisfied.

He will hit you again. They are often sorry, promise to change. It is the carrot and the stick approach. He will probably be lovely to you for a few days now to reel you back in. He spat on you, that shows absolute contempt toward you and all of this is probably a distraction in his mind from the fact that he is likely cheating again.

My father is an absolutely lovely man providing no one ever challenges him or does something he doesn't like. He was violent in childhood to my mother and there was constant emotional abuse. He doesn't like big women either and his nickname for me was Whale, I was a size 12 then.

When I got older and started challenging him, he got a lot worse because there is nothing more annoying than a teenager. I heard every argument they had at night though they thought they were quiet. It led me to date two abusive men myself and my brother has never had a successful relationship as we always have one foot out of the door.

It may take a while for you to accept this. But know that this will happen again because now he knows you won't leave. Your child will learn how relationships work from you and they notice far more than you ever realise. Plus as they grow up they may tell someone what they hear or try to intercede as my brother did a few times and my father threw him down the stairs.