What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[AgathaX]

Leaving will be hard but staying will be so very much worse, both for you and for your precious baby.
Have you got someone to come over and help you pack and to see you safely away? If not call the police.

[Stickyblue1987]

Please leave him whilst you can protect your baby. Your relationship, from your description (which is probably only the tip of the ice berg) sounds awful, even prior to recent events.
How is he going to be with a screaming, demanding baby. Do you have somewhere to go?

[JaniceBing]

He has shown you who he is- believe him. You need to leave for yourself but also the safety of your baby. Or kick him out, change the locks etc. Bottom line is it's not safe for you to be with him. He will probably come back remorseful with a sob story about not wanting to be like his dad blah blah- DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Leave him.

[Opentooffers]

Soulmates is a word used by over-romantacized people, who use it as a reason to cling onto what's bad far longer than is healthy. This notion is why you stayed with him.
He may have not have intended to become his dad, but that is where he is at. Being exposed to violence at a young age has normalised it for him - a common outcome, he won't be thinking what he's done is half as bad as the rest of us feel it is.
Same with cheating (did his dad do that too?). In his mind none of it is that bad, and anyway he's convinced himself already that it's your fault for being pregnant - which of course is total BS.
So ditch him along with the 'soulmates' notion - which is actually a cringe word full of unrealism.
It's not enough to be with someone you just get on with most of the time, respect and trust is where it's at, neither of which he has so this is dead in the water. Concentrate on making a better life without him, for you and your baby.

[CoasterCoaster]

First thing you need to do is tell someone who loves you OP, I know it makes it real and feels disloyal to him but you need support, especially as you're pregnant. Abuse thrives on secrecy and it will only benefit him to keep his secret and leave you unsupported and vulnerable to further abuse. Tell someone you know will have your back and trust them when they say you need to leave and report this to the police, again not doing so will only benefit him and will leave you and your baby when he/she arrives vulnerable and unprotected.

He is not who you thought he was and everything you do now has to be about protecting yourself and your baby from him. Reporting now gives you the best chance of preventing (or at least limiting) his access to your baby later down the line and you have no way of knowing whether he will escalate so you need everything on record from the outset.

I know all this is a massive shift in thinking from him being 'DH' yesterday to who he became when he hit you this morning and it's understandable that you're struggling to know what to do but the fact that we're all telling you the same thing is a pretty clear sign it's the right thing to do.

[BrioLover]

He's been slowly drip dripping all this weight stuff for months and months, chipping away at your self-esteem. Now he's hit you and spat in your face.

You're not soulmates OP. Pregnancy is the classic time for abusive men to ramp it up a notch because they think you're trapped. You're not! Get out now, tell your friends and family and leave before the baby is here so your baby can grow up in a healthy happy household, not one where you're sniped and picked at for your appearance (and that's just the tip of the iceberg I expect).

[Wheelerdeeler]

You are not soul mates. He is not your soul mate.

He is an abuser. he does not love you and he does not love your baby.

Do the right thing and get away from him asap.

[premium77]

You have completely been brainwashed to think your relationship is perfect. It’s not. It’s abusive. Please leave for the sake of your child.

[bigbaggyeyes]

Leave this man. He's hit a pregnant woman. Let that sink in.

If you saw on the tv that a man had hit a pregnant woman how would you react to that?

[PinzQueen]

He will do it again. Beating you up, while pregnant is the beginning of the worst.

And he is programming you to think it's your fault. He is wrong.

[Mama1980]

Your husband hit a pregnant woman, you, his wife the person he's supposed to love and cherish above all others. He doesn't love you, this is not love, you are not soulmates, he is an abusive man.
You must leave, call the police, photograph any bruises. Document his abuse. He will do this again. I grew up with a violent father trust me you do not want that for your baby....and I know you will say he would never hurt your child but he already has. You are pregnant and he hit you.

[AThousandEyes]

Abuse often worsens after marriage or when the woman becomes pregnant. This can only go one way, and it's a question of when this will escalate, not if. He will not change, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy; better to cut your losses and get out now than waste more time on this awful violent man. For the sake of yourself and your baby please, please leave him.

[PinzQueen]

@Moooning

Jesus Christ, are you mad?? You are not soul mates or best friends. You should have left him the minute you found out he had given you an STI by cheating on you. What did you learn about relationships and self worth growing up?

Do your unborn child a favour and leave him. Now. It will be so mush worse once the baby comes along. Babies and children know when their mothers are unhappy and parental relationships are rotten at the core, like yours is. Trust me, I know this as the adult child of married parents who have resented each other my whole life. My dad was violent to my mother before I was born - she swiftly 'put her foot down' about that and it stopped. Only for him to start violently shaking/hitting me as a toddler until I was a teenager, but never when my mother was around. She only found out when I and my siblings told her about his infrequent but violent outbursts towards us years later. I know she feels terrible now - not just for that, but because of the bitterness and frustration she took out on us in the form of verbal and emotional abuse. As with all children who are unable to process or understand what is going on - especially being the eldest - I blamed myself for their unhappiness.

Now my siblings and I are all pathologically avoidant and or anxious in romantic relationships, and two of us avoid real emotional connection in relationships completely. We find it hard to trust people, and we have all struggled with anxiety, depression and self loathing. I watched my mother balloon due to comfort eating to cope with her feelings, and the lack of intimacy from my father. I learned how to repress all my anger and sadness, and developed a serious eating disorder that nearly killed me. I still struggle with it now at almost 40.

On the outside you would never know this about me - I hide it well. But I will never get over the pain and sadness I saw in my parents, and felt so deeply as a child.

Get out now.

I have the same experience with my parents. I have trouble attaching in any personal relationships (friends, colleagues, lovers).

And I tell my mom all the time that it's her fault I had a rubbish dad, she stayed with him.

[PinzQueen]

@anonymousanne

Also, he has hit you now in pregnancy for a reason... he knows you are vulnerable, he knows you will worried about what other people will think, he knows you will not want to split your family up, he knows you will be thinking you want your child to have two parents and come, he knows you will have fears about your ability to do this new, scary thing alone.
But you can do it. Honestly you can. There is no coming back from this

This

[SunshineCake1]

Leave. I don't judge you for staying after he cheated but people will judge if you stay now. . You need to love yourself and your baby more than anything. NOT him.

[Rainbowcake88]

It may be scary, facing a future without him but this is only the beginning. Put your child first !

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

Op

He was great when you were young, not pregnant, and employed.

Now life has got real and he has revealed himself to be utterly and completely wanky

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

Op

You have been through a very tough time

But seriously… you need to woman up, and you need to woman up fast.

Don’t think about yourself if that’s holding you back (memories of better times), do it for your baby.

It’s mumsnet. Many of the posters including myself will have children. You put your children first. Always. Always.

[Reallyimeanreally2022]

@Rainbowcake88

It may be scary, facing a future without him but this is only the beginning. Put your child first !

I’d say the future WITH him is downright terrifying

[Justbecauseofit]

Soup mates don't cheat/call names/smack and spit in your face OP. Someone who loves you does not fat shame you or force you on a pair of scales.

Piece of shit does not deserve you or your child. This man will destroy you if you stay, he will destroy you both. Please consider your options for leaving or kicking him out.

[Cakequeen1988]

My partner grabbed me by the throat Christmas Day evening. Then he cried, blamed a violent childhood, how I’d made him feel rejected by calling my children on Christmas Day (they were at their dads that year. Promised me the world about getting therapy, it would never happen again.

It did 2 months later.

He has shown you what he’s capable of, and it will get worse and you will live in fear and so will your child. He may hurt/shake your child when it’s crying. You cannot let this happen it must be reported to the police.

Pack a bag and walk out the door or change the locks, call friends and family round and call the police. You cannot live like this. If you don’t protect your child from him social
Services will become involved and I don’t say that to scare you. It is the reality.

The use of soulmates and how I made him a better person manipulated me for far longer than it should whilst I loved in abject misery. Learn from everyone on here who is telling you the same thing. He doesn’t love you because it isn’t love to hurt, threaten and belittle someone the way he is with you.

[LaRobeRouge]

This is appalling. He slapped you and spat at you?! He bullies you about your weight. He cheated on you and gave you an STD. You need to wake up OP, and wake up fast. Stop romanticising and idealising this relationship. Your language is all about how perfect everything was, when it objectively was anything but perfect. Six months in he cheated on you and gave you an STD but you dreamily say it all went back to being perfect. Wake up and protect yourself and your baby. He's a lying, cheating, violent bully - get away from him, it will only get worse.

[PearLime]

This man has:

• cheated on you and lied about it

• given you an sti

• insulted your looks, whilst pregnant

• belittled you by making you get on a scale

• shouted at you, scared you, hit you three times, spat on you.

He isn't your best friend. He isn't your soul mate. He is a bad husband. This WILL escalate further.

Leave now and never look back.

[pinkyredrose]

Seems like he's ok as long as life doesn't throw any challenges his way. Abuse often begins in pregnancy, it always carrys on once it's started,
He was being a complete cunt before he assaulted you anyway.

You need to leave him. Please don't become one of those mothers who puts her 'love' for an abusive man over her childs safety.

[pinkyredrose]

Please report him to the police. You need to get a non mol order on him.