What would you do?

[ncneedadvice]

Name changed for this as a regular poster on other topics and don't want to be outing..

My husband and I have been together 4 years. We had such an amazing relationship to begin with, completely fell for each other, soul mates, best friends etc, and then after a couple months we rented a little place together so we could be with each other more. About 6 months in he cheated on me. I found out as I was having some irritation, so went to the doctors and turns out he had given me an STI from this girl. He apparently slept with this one girl once, and had only been speaking to her a few weeks. I asked to see his phone and he showed me all the messages etc, and I was absolutely disgusted but what he said did match up to their messages and the timescale etc. He begged for me to stay, apologised profusely, said it was just a one off thing etc. Anyway, I took him back as I loved him so much, we both got treatment and all was fine. It took me a while to trust him again, but he was very transparent with me, and really put the effort in to prove he was sorry. I also made him promise that if ever I felt paranoid or anything, I was allowed to ask for reassurance, look through his phone if I felt the need etc (this is important later on..) I am all for giving people second chances, so as much as it hurt me and hurt me for a long long time, we stayed together.

Things started to get better, our relationship became amazing again, and I after a while I trusted him again. About 2 years in he proposed and I said yes, we got engaged, bought our first house together and moved out of our rented place. Things couldn't be better, I was so happy and in love, and our relationship was in a really good place.

During lockdown we were both struggling a bit with a few things, stressing about money, both got put on furlough and then both got made redundant within a few weeks of each other etc. 2020 was a very tough year for us and we started to argue. Over bigger stuff like money to begin with, but then the more frequently it happened, the more it was over petty stuff too. I was feeling depressed and having a really bad time with my anxiety, and thats when he started to make comments on my appearance. I have never been overweight, but I have never been skinny skinny either (I average between a size 8-10), but he used to make comments like, am I gonna get on the bike (we had an exercise bike at home I used occasionally) or asking if I was going to try and lose weight for the wedding etc.. I told them they upset me and he seemed to be remorseful. We had a few frank discussions, got everything out in the open and things seemed to get better.

Anyway, our wedding was booked for summer 2021 (was postponed from 2020 due to pandemic), and for the 6 months leading up to the wedding everything was getting back to being perfect. No more hurtful comments from him, we rarely argued, our sex life was great etc. Back to being happy again.

We got married, and it was the most amazing day. The week after we got married we found out we were expecting and were so so over the moon!! I haven't had the easiest pregnancy so far, the tiredness is unreal, feel like I have been hit by a truck most days, so having to take naps and going to bed earlier. My sex drive has hit the floor so its very difficult for me to get turned on or attempt to want to initiate anything sexual with him, been suffering terrible morning sickness all the way through so far, my skin has been awful because of the hormones and obviously I have been gaining a little bit of weight and therefore have felt VERY self conscious about my body and unsexy etc recently... this has led to more arguments, stemming from him. He complains that I don't touch him, I am always tired and sleeping, he is bored etc. I am trying my hardest to pleasure him, even when I am not in the mood myself, trying my hardest to stay awake some nights. But I have tried to explain to him how hard I am finding pregnancy and asking if he can try and sympathise at all, or just try to understand how I am feeling.

(I am 22 weeks pregnancy wise for reference).

Anyway, fast forward to today... I woke up in a good mood, had a full nights sleep for the first time in ages (having problems sleeping recently due to baby moving / needing a wee / getting comfortable etc). He seemed a little moody, but hes not really a morning person so I didn't think much of it. We were both getting ready for work and he goes to the scales to weigh himself. He then says to me 'have you weighed yourself recently?', so I said, yes I am doing it about once a week at the moment, to keep an eye on how much I am gaining during pregnancy. He then said 'come here and get on them, I want to see how much you weigh'. So I said, no I don't want to this morning, you know how self conscious I have felt recently. He then proceeded to be horrible and essentially force me to get on the scales, so I do. He looks at the figure and pulls a face. (Baring in mind, I am over halfway through and have gained about 10 pounds, so not major and completely within the healthy weight gain bracket for pregnancy). He then got really funny about it 'youre only a few pounds lighter than me etc, you need to stop eating shit etc'... so I said, 'babe I am pregnant, this isnt just fat, this is baby etc too'. He then got horrible, saying 'your hips are getting so much bigger etc. I then went to get in the shower as I was still trying to get ready for work and then he comes in the bathroom, points at me while vulnerable and naked in the shower and goes 'i dont like any of this, you know i dont like big girls'. That hurt so bad, so I started to get upset. Ive been feeling so self conscious lately, and he just made me feel 10x worse. So we parted ways for a little while and continued to get ready. Because of how he made me feel, and how unattractive I know he is finding me, I asked for reassurance, like he promised me and I asked if he is messaging anyone else like before - this wasn't just out of the blue that I asked this, he has been acting distant from me for the past few weeks and on his phone more, so my asking him was justified. He then got SUPER defensive and refused to show me, saying I had offended him and that he hasn't got anything to hide etc, and that he promised me all that time ago that he would be completely faithful etc. So all I said to him was that him refusing to show me his phone screams guilty.. which is true. He then blew up completely, got right in my face with gritted teeth, calling me all sorts of names, so I smacked and shoved his arm - not in a retaliation way, but more of a please get away from me way. I am pregnant and felt scared with how nasty and abusive he was being being right up in my face like that. Because I shoved him back, he then proceeded to smack me across the face 3x times, and then spat flem in my face. I was absolutely shocked and scared. He has never laid a finger on me once, and as he and his mum were hit by his father as a child, it was something he said he never wanted to turn into his dad etc etc.

Now, I don't know what to do. I am so shocked with how he acted and the physical abuse he laid on his pregnant wife. Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath. I just dont know what to do after what happened this morning... I am in total shock. I am 22 weeks pregnant with his child, and we are married and I thought we had a good relationship - its had its ups and downs but so has everyone.

What would you do? I keep thinking, I need to leave, if hes hurt me physically once he will do it again. But I love him more than anything, and we have a baby on the way and we have only been married a few months. Sorry it is a long post, I probably rambled, but had to get all my thoughts out - my family and friends are very supportive people, but I don't want to talk to them about this as it is so out of character for him.

I don't know what to do. After some advice please

[Queenie6655]

@AThousandEyes

Abuse often worsens after marriage or when the woman becomes pregnant. This can only go one way, and it's a question of when this will escalate, not if. He will not change, he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong. Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy; better to cut your losses and get out now than waste more time on this awful violent man. For the sake of yourself and your baby please, please leave him.

Yes this is key

This is when they have you

They trap you
Bastard
Bastard
Bastard

I'm so sad to read this

[MintMatchmaker]

You are about as far removed from soul mates as it’s possible to be. Stop kidding yourself.

He has cheated on you, verbally abused you and now assaulted you. He is a grade A arsehole. Not a soul mate, not the love of your life, just a vile and abusive piece of shit.

[JoeyMuzzo]

I should say too, I definitely think either way you should go to the police. If you leave, you will still have to co-parent with this person and if you have concerns for yourself or your child you are more likely to be believed if you report it straight away. Down the track you guys will likely split and he will have unsupervised access with your daughter and you might kick yourself or not having any proof. Even if you decide to stay, you should report it because it lets him know that he is going to be accountable and you won't protect him. If you think about it, people that commit domestic violence will have you convinced that they did it because they were stressed and lost control. But being in the workplace is very stressful and they would never assault a work mate. The reason why it happens at home is because they think they can get away with it. So it's very important I think that you are very clear that every single time he assaults you he knows you are going to report it to the police without exemption no matter what he says.

[QueenBee52]

So it's very important I think that you are very clear that every single time he assaults you he knows you are going to report it to the police without exemption no matter what he says.

100% ... you really should Report this 🌸

[junebirthdaygirl]

Even before he hit you he was an absolutely horrible man. How dare he force you to weigh yourself and comment on your size..that is horrible to the woman who is carrying his baby. I was thinking leave this monster. And then he hit you and spat in your face. Sorry there is no going back from this. Please move quickly against him and show him what he deserves. There is not one nice thing about this awful guy.
Please mind yourself and be absolutely sure this is not you but him. Probably since he saw his dad and it has been building up but now you are at your most vulnerable and in he goes.
Please tell your family and the police.

[QueeniesCroft]

At the very least, you MUST tell your midwife. She will help you. It will be hard, but you can get loads of help. The police will help you, your midwife will support you, and there is loads of advice and encouragement on MN.

And I think you should be honest with your family too. By protecting him, you are putting yourself and your baby in danger.

[BanditoShipman]

@QueenBee52

So it's very important I think that you are very clear that every single time he assaults you he knows you are going to report it to the police without exemption no matter what he says.

100% ... you really should Report this 🌸

Agree. You need to document everything with the police else he may get unsupervised access with your baby who cannot defend itself.

Good luck op

[SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk]

I know it's hard, we all do but you need to leave this man. He doesn't love you - he calls you names and hits you, does that sound like love ?

If you can't do it for yourself - leave for your child. Don't fool yourself into thinking he won't do it again or that he will change - he won't and next time you could have your baby in your arms.

He is a violent, cheating arsehole.

[tiredohsotired1]

Fucking run and don't look back. Do not put that man on your baby's birth certificate.

[gailplattshairbrush]

He's cheated on you. Given you an STI. Expects sex when you don't want it. Calls you fat. Hits you. Spits at you.

One of those things should dealbreaker. Putting them altogether, he is a monster, not your best friend or your soul mate. Even if you could justify the hitting as a moment of rage (still not ok) how do you explain the nasty, confidence crushing comments about your appearance? You are pregnant with his child ffs.

Please get out of this relationship for your sake and your child. I don't often say that on here but this isn't ok.

[DeadButDelicious]

Oh OP he has been testing you from the start, seeing what you will put up with, seeing how far he can go before you push back, all leading up to today when he has you trapped and he can finally let the real him loose. You have to leave and you have to report what's happened. He cannot be allowed to get away with attacking his pregnant wife. His behaviour will only escalate if you stay. He doesn't love you, there is no going back from this. For your safety and that of your child you must leave him.

But you know all this, I know you do and you can do it. You are stronger than you realise.

[Believer99]

You needed to leave when he forced you on the scales! Absolutely barbaric behaviour. Has he apologised?

Please please leave you deserve to be worshiped when carrying a child. This man is a POS

[HalzTangz]

So first he gives you an STI after cheating on you. Whilst hinting you were putting weight on .

You then get married and get pregnant, then he belittles you by forcing you on scales, following by berating your weight, by hitting and spitting at you.

That isn't a perfect relationship.

That isn't love.

That isn't how a soulmate treats someone.

Do you and your baby justice, LTB now

[CloseYourEyesAndSee]

Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together - we are both very stubborn but I know we are each others worlds underneath

No you are not. He's a cheating, abusive, violent, controlling shit.

If you don't leave him he will ruin your life. No exaggeration. You love an imaginary version of him that doesn't exist.

[JaniceBing]

OP, just want to reiterate what some of the others are saying- you need to call the police so this is all documented. Down the line when we wants unsupervised access to this baby, you will NEED A PAPER TRAIL. So please start now. I know it's hard because you still might have some tiny iota of hope. Do it for your baby. I promise you this man will not change. It will be much MUCH harder for you to leave him once the baby arrives. Document everything. Make all the calls- Woman's Aid, police, GP, and make sure you tell someone close to you as well. I am so sorry this has happened to you but I am more worried about what he will do once the baby is here.

[Queenie6655]

What a scummy man

We fall for them so easily
And they make us feel like shit

And we have zero confidence and believe we are lucky to have them

I made it out

You can do it
Please report
Get this bastard done for assault

[LibbyL92]

Very rarely am I left gobsmacked.

What I’ve just red is horrific. You need to leave, no excuses. You now need to protect yourself and your baby.

If I knew you in person I’d have called the police and reported him.

[metalmutha]

OP, please leave, now. Contact family or friends and get yourself and your baby safe. As others have said abuse escalates in pregnancy.
He will continue to hurt you.
He has cheated on you.
He has given you an STI.
He has verbally abused you.
He has physically abused you.
This is what is underneath, the nice guy, soul mate persona is the act.
Please go to the police, photograph and document any further abuse and don't put his name on the birth certificate.
Good luck and be strong for yourself and your baby.

[pinkyredrose]

Hope you're ok OP, well as ok as can be. Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days to get some breathing space?

[oatmilk4breakfast]

There is research on this. He will do it again if you don’t act now, at the very least to let him know how serious this is, by leaving. He needs to know that he cannot hurt you. So much violence that happens towards women starts in pregnancy. He will say sorry a million Times and still do it again. Please, forget the soulmates thing for now. Get some distance between you. If it helps to say it’s just for a while then fine but please get out and get safe. He will do it again.

[oatmilk4breakfast]

And echoing others I agree. Tell the midwife. Call the police. It is that serious. Please believe us.

[samwitwicky]

"Underneath I know we are soul mates and best friends and are meant to be together"

NO.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you, respects you, and makes you feel safe.

Leave this monster.

He WILL do it again.

[Indoctro]

Domestic violence often starts during pregnancy and then continues on there after I'm afraid. This won't be a once off this is the start of your becoming a battered wife

Please leave this man.

[Thelnebriati]

He love bombed you.
He got you hooked.
He tested your boundaries.

He isn't your soul mate, he's your abuser.

[anunseemlylovefordustin]

Leave, PLEASE leave him before this gets any worse. It WILL get worse, and at some point there will be a defenceless baby in the house too. Will you be able to live with yourself when he hurts the baby, too? He was willing to do that today (what if you'd fallen when he hit you?) and having a newborn in the house creates an insane amount of extra stress to add to the mix. Please do the right thing, protect your child and yourself. Get out now.