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Original poster

Did I deserve to be hit ?

146 replies

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 09:30

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

OP posts:
ohdeariforgot · 27/09/2021 09:32

He is a dangerous individual who you should leave.

No one deserves to be hit and strangled.

He could have killed you.

Seek help ( women's aid / police) and get him out of your life.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/09/2021 09:34

Please stay apart.
He was sleeping with someone else and that was fine (which it was. You were not a couple) but you sleeping with someone was not?

He beat you up. You need to report that to the police not grovel for forgiveness for doing absolutely nothing wrong and nothing he wasn't also doing!

gardeninggirl68 · 27/09/2021 09:34

No it wasn't ok! HOw could it be?

Strangled you? Was this the first time he has ever attacked you? Because for a first attack the strangling is the biggest red flag you could ever have according to women's aid

You don't come back from that. It's done, over. Start thinking about your future away from this man.

Yamaya · 27/09/2021 09:35

YOU. NEVER. DESERVE. THIS.

of course, you did not deserve this, he sounds incredibly dangerous. I would be reporting to the police and getting a restraining order. Please don't get back with this thug. He will end up killing you.

lazyarse123 · 27/09/2021 09:36

Please don't beg him to come back. You have done nothing wrong and even if you had it does not give him the right to assault you.
Don't let him tell you that his BPD is to blame either. He is completely out of order.
Get rid you are worth so much more.

Volterra · 27/09/2021 09:36

I'm only reading the title of your thread, what you have posted is irrelevant. Whatever the situation is the answer is always the same.

No you didn't deserve to be hit.

MrsBungle · 27/09/2021 09:36

Do not get back with him. He’s dangerous. What if he turns his anger on your children?

Accidentgirlfriend · 27/09/2021 09:37

He slept with someone else aswell ?!

If he’s done it once he will do it again . He knows what you will accept now and No you did NOT deserve to be hit , no one deserves that .

Maybe look into women’s aid and the domestic abuse course with them . They are brilliant !

romdowa · 27/09/2021 09:37

No it was not OK, at all!!! Get as far away as you can from this man before he kills you

Burgerqueenbee · 27/09/2021 09:38

Please don't try and get back with that awful man, you could have been having sex on the table in front of him and it still would not be acceptable for him to violently assault you and trash the house.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/09/2021 09:38

Firstly never take him back or share a space with him again. He could have killed you.

Secondly inform the police. He could do this to another woman too. Strangulation is a very serious indicator of murder in domestically abusive situations

Thirdly contact Women’s Aid. You need professional help to educate yourself about trauma bonding, establishing healthy relationships, building your self esteem without a violent man in your life.

His mental health does not excuse almost killing you.

Stay away
Keep away
Never go back

Skysblue · 27/09/2021 09:39

You did not deserve to be attacked. It is NEVER ok to behave the way he did. Everyone has a breaking point but they break in different ways - most cry, or walk away, or learn to control their anger like an adult. Very very few people would behave as he did. He is not in control of himself and is dangerous to you and your children.

You have two children who need you to stay alive. Please call Samaritans or Women’s Aid.

Please also try to get some perspective. You slept with someone else ONCE, while you were separated. He slept with someone else many times and also had her feelings involved. You haven’t done anything wrong.

CorrBlimeyGG · 27/09/2021 09:39

You absolutely did not deserve to be assaulted. That's criminal behaviour and you should report it to the police.

You do need to stop playing games though, your emotional actions are no better than those of your ex partner.

Please take this as a sign to get some help yourself. Your children must see this behaviour and you're both setting terrible examples.

TheFoundations · 27/09/2021 09:39

What makes you think that violence might be ok on this occasion? Surely you know that violence is never ok, so why is this different?

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 27/09/2021 09:39

@Volterra

I'm only reading the title of your thread, what you have posted is irrelevant. Whatever the situation is the answer is always the same.

No you didn't deserve to be hit.

I felt similarly.. the post itself is even worse than you can imagine. They split up, he went off with someone else. She also did. He begged her back. She got back and felt she ought to tell him. He smashed her and the place up - and has managed to make her feel as if it's her fault.

OP - GET OUT. It will not get better and you need to save your life and your children's.

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2021 09:40

No of course it’s not ok
None of it is ok
Don’t take him back

Grumpyrealist77 · 27/09/2021 09:40

He will get worse.
He won’t suddenly STOP being violent.
So if you ask him to come back you expose yourself and your kids to a lifetime of violence.
No blame on you at all. Please stand firm. X

limerencelarry · 27/09/2021 09:42

No no no no NO!!!!

Contact the police and do not allow him access to your DC.

HollowTalk · 27/09/2021 09:43

Just from the title I knew you didn't deserve to be hit. Nobody does.

But you had a one night stand a couple of months after splitting up - he then had a relationship with someone - now he's hitting you????

Why on earth are you begging for forgiveness?

I'd run as far as possible away from him.

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/09/2021 09:43

No don't get back with him. Now he's knocked you about once, it will happen again. Please walk away permanently for your own safety

Ninkanink · 27/09/2021 09:45

Of course it wasn’t okay! You absolutely did not deserve it. Did you beat him up because he slept with someone else? No you didn’t.

Why on earth would you even want this failure of a man? A disgusting individual and a horrible father.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2021 09:47

Of course you didn't deserve it. I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love but you need to. Even if he grovelled and begged he'll never let this go now, he will always use it against you, and you'll always be scared of him.

Miracle29 · 27/09/2021 09:49

You were not together when you slept with someone else and he was with someone else top so you have no need to feel guilty at all! You were being truthful and yes that may have hurt him but what he did was put of control and no doubt he'll have an excuse to get you back but please don't! This is how it all starts and if he's done it once he will do it again
You already said he was controlling and what he has done has crossed that line. Please get yourself and your children away from this man and concentrate on you. Contact the police aswell.

TiredButDancing · 27/09/2021 09:49

Oh my god. Even if you'd slept with someone else while you were supposedly in a happy committed relationship, him BEATING you would not be okay when he found out. There is no way whatsoever this is even a little bit okay and I would advise you to run as far and as fast as you can.

Iooselipssinkships · 27/09/2021 09:49

You did not deserve it. No one deserves to be hit. Please repeat that to yourself! Plus he didn't 'just' hit you - he battered you! If not attempted murder it's serious, serious GBH. Don't beg for him back, don't take him back because he will do it again. He has shown his true colours and what he is capable of.