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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I deserve to be hit ?

146 replies

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 09:30

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

OP posts:
Notanotherusernamenow · 27/09/2021 10:45

Deliberate Strangulation (even simulated, if it is done in anger) is the leading indicator that a man will kill his partner in the future. Stay away from this man.

Gorl · 27/09/2021 10:46

For fucks’s sake, end this relationship. You were free from him then he beat you up and you’re begging for forgiveness?

OP you have kids who you are endangering - let alone the threat to your own life.

Protect your fucking children. End this relationship. You don’t deserve to be hit, your children deserve to be safe, your partner is a shit and you must leave him.

You deserve to be safe, free and happy.

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 10:47

I promise you, also from experience, that your future self will be so grateful to you if you walk away now.

Next week is exactly 6 years since I finally left my abusive ex who would also strangle me. As well as hitting, kicking, biting, hair pulling and spitting me in the face. One evening I finally found the courage to leave and I literally shiver at what would have become of me if I hadn’t walked away back then. Like you I was a shadow of my Forbes self and I thought I didn’t deserve a happy life. That living together with a man who didn’t respect me and treated me like dirt whenever he felt like it, was all that life had in store for me. I’m in awe of the version of myself back then who had despite all of it, the courage to say fuck this and left. I am so grateful to her. It really helped me to improve my self esteem and I know now I would never accept this again from anyone. That’s how far I have come and you can do the same thing.

AnotherName456 · 27/09/2021 10:47

This is fucking horrendous, he is a scum bag!
Don't get back with him, you have seen him for what he is now. Report him to the police, he is dangerous.

LaBellina · 27/09/2021 10:48

My former self, not my Forbes self.
I’m not on that list, unfortunately

DorotheaFrazil · 27/09/2021 10:49

I haven't read your post. I don't need to.

The answer is NO. Never.

No-one ever deserves to be hit.

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2021 10:51

You do understand that by your logic any WOMAN that's not a virgin deserves to be beaten and strangled. You can see that's not right surely?

inigomontoyahwillcox · 27/09/2021 10:54

He didn't hit you - he beat the shit out of you!

Please never be in this man's presence alone again.

Heronwatcher · 27/09/2021 10:59

If you’re seriously thinking about bringing this dangerous man into the house then I really hope you have found alternative accommodation for your kids.
You haven’t done anything wrong apart from trying to get back with him- you should have let him go the first time. Hell would freeze over before I begged forgiveness from someone who had assaulted me. He should be in prison.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/09/2021 11:01

jesus christ don't get back with that violent thug

Strawbsaturno · 27/09/2021 11:05

He sounds like a very violent and dangerous individual. He could have killed you.
Go to the Police immediately.

KissedintheDark · 27/09/2021 11:08

Hope you reported him to the police, op.

VanGoSunflowers · 27/09/2021 11:10

OP, even if you’d slept with someone in front of him whilst still married… you STILL would not deserve that kind of abuse.

I don’t know what to say other than that your sense of normality has become skewed and you should not be treated this way. I don’t care if you slept with 1000 men. You did not deserve this.

Please leave.

whynotwhatknot · 27/09/2021 11:10

No its not ok and no you didnt deserve it

why are you begging for figiveness for what the same thing he did while you were seprated?

you logic is skewed because of all the years of abuse do not take him back

butterpuffed · 27/09/2021 11:13

AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

Yes you do . I can never understand people who ask questions like this when they already know the answer.

Fallagain · 27/09/2021 11:15

No one deserves to be hit. He has down way more than hit you, attempting to strangle you is a red flag that he will go on to kill you. Please speak to women aid and the police. You’re in real danger from this man.

Do you have any children?

Lunificent · 27/09/2021 11:16

This is the most horrendous description of violence I’ve ever read on Mumsnet in 15 years here!
You must report this to the police. And no, of course you didn’t deserve to be attacked.

SofiaMichelle · 27/09/2021 11:16

No, OP.

It is NEVER ok for someone - anyone - to hit you.

It's not your fault you were assaulted.

tsmainsqueeze · 27/09/2021 11:17

He did more than hit you !
Why would you even consider a relationship with a monster like this , who's going to take care of your kids when he has killed you .
Also have you thought what may happen to your kids if ss found out you were staying with a violent man , you could have them taken from you into care .
Re read your post would you encourage someone be with this man ?

Icecreamsoda99 · 27/09/2021 11:18

Get out now! That level of violence is only going to spiral, so many women end up dead at the hands of men like your husband. You wouldn't take your life before of your children, don't let this man have the chance to take it either!

politics4me · 27/09/2021 11:25

Perhaps you are not from a UK heritage that leads you to consider and ask that you 'deserve' or should be punished. Perhaps you have been subject to Gaslighting in a big way, by family?
Nobody, but No one should be attacked whatever their upbringing and you can take and must take control of yourself so that you realise this.
Lots of good suggestions in posts already.

Police, Leave.

A phrase I have seen in other posts is Disconnect. Regain yourself.
please keep talking to this thread. everyone is on your side.

VeganCheesePlease · 27/09/2021 11:26

No!!!! No you did not deserve this!!!
Please don't get back with him. He sounds dangerous.

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 27/09/2021 11:31

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. Please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

We've also moved your thread over to our Relationships topic.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

SafferUpNorth · 27/09/2021 11:31

As everyone else here has said,... no one EVER 'deserves' to be assaulted like this. NEVER EVER. Walk away now and don't ever be tempted back. Call Women's Aid for help if you are struggling to.

minniesdragg · 27/09/2021 11:42

Sorry OP but to him you are just an object, an object that belongs to him and he can snuff out if he feels like it. Seek help and never ever let him back into your life, you are in danger.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He is a violent dangerous abuser who is very likely to kill you one day.