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Original poster

Did I deserve to be hit ?

146 replies

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 09:30

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

OP posts:
Funnylittlefloozie · 27/09/2021 16:31

Will your children still "adore their dad" when he beats their mum to death in front of them? Because he will, you know. Violent scum like him never ever change.

Not ringing the police is your choice, of course. But it means the next poor woman he gets with, who sees a red flag, and does a Claire's Law check, won't be told a thing, and thats how this cycle of horror and abuse and disgusting domestic violence rolls on.

SofiaMichelle · 27/09/2021 16:33

my mum was beaten by my dad, I had a very unhappy childhood so I think I crave it because of that and crave it for my children - they adore their dad

OP, they won't adore their dad when they are older and find out he abused you.

The best thing you can do for them, and you, is to get away from him.

Ninkanink · 27/09/2021 16:37

I know, I'm probably frustrating a lot of you. I know if I was reading this post I'd be wanting to shake the OP but for some reason i just can't seem to want to apologise to him, beg and try again to have the happy family I've always wanted ( my mum was beaten by my dad, I had a very unhappy childhood so I think I crave it because of that and crave it for my children - they adore their dad ).

You’re not frustrating me. I understand the need to hope against hope. But think about your children in this. Really think about them. They need you to be strong now, so that you can make sure they don’t have the same awful experience that you did.

You may not be able to change things for the little girl you were, but you can change things for your children. You can protect them.

Wishing you strength and peace. 🌷

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/09/2021 16:41

for some reason i just can't seem to want to apologise to him, beg and try again to have the happy family I've always wanted ( my mum was beaten by my dad, I had a very unhappy childhood so I think I crave it because of that and crave it for my children - they adore their dad )

But OP that's exactly the childhood you'd be giving your children if you stay with this man. Whether he is 'just' jealous and manipulative and never lays a finger on you again or, more likely, continues to physically abuse you. This is an abusive relationship.

You are confused and don't consider this a dealbreaker precisely because of the family dynamic you experienced in childhood. Staying with him is replicating this model for your children. That means they will likely replicate it again as adults in their own relationships.

You need to put them first and can only do that by leaving a man who has physically assaulted you. You cannot have a healthy relationship with this man. Don't pass on the same legacy to your children that your parents passed to you.

SukiPook · 27/09/2021 16:42

If you don't want to ring the police, an easier step would be to ring women's aid -have a chat on the phone, they also have fantastic free counselling which will help you see things more clearly and strengthen your resolve not to be abused... just think one step at a time, it's ok that you're not strong enough to deal with everything in one go, just set maybe 2 small goals: 1) call women's aid and 2) tell a friend/family member what's happened. Good luck, one step at a time, you can do this.

WitchDancer · 27/09/2021 16:46

Why would you be apologetic for him beating you? In your shoes I would be running as fast as I could away from him.

LIZS · 27/09/2021 16:53

Of course not. But he will never accept it, and if it weren't your ons it would be something else that he continues to pick at and use to abuse you, verbally, emotionally and physically. There is no future together, cut your losses and leave him again. Your dc will appreciate your consistency without him.

BucketOfShit · 27/09/2021 16:55

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

Shock Good grief! You could have told him you slept with the local football team and their wives and not deserved that! You could have done ANYTHING and not deserved that!

Your relationship is absolutely toxic, on both sides. You have both messed each other around, tried to move on with other people and the original issues haven't been addressed.

You should phone the police on him, not beg him for forgiveness!

JSL52 · 27/09/2021 17:06

He'll do it again now he's done it once.
I didn't tell the police and I really regret it.

Heartofglass12345 · 27/09/2021 17:09

No no no you did not deserve it! I knew before I even read your first post.

It was ok for him to see someone else but not you??!

Please do not apologise to him or let him back into your house again.

You have children you need to protect from this behaviour.

SaltySheepdog · 27/09/2021 17:10

You were assaulted. This is a crime and a police issue.

For your child’s sake (and yours) please stop trying to have a relationship with an abuser.

daytriptovulcan · 27/09/2021 17:15

To put it mildly you should LTB, before he kills you.

Twatterati · 27/09/2021 17:17

OMG No!!! No, no, no - no one, male or female, young or old EVER deserves to be hit. Nor is his mental health an excuse. There is never any excuse.

You have done NOTHING wrong. Please don't beg him to come back. You and your children are much better off without him.

Do you want them to grow up and think hitting their DP, or being hit by their DP is acceptable? No, of course not, because you love them and care about their well-being.

Please extend some of this love and caring to yourself - you are worth a million times more than this violent man can ever give you.

He's done it once. He'll do it again. He could have killed you, and left you feeling suicidal. Think about that. It is not the actions of a kind and decent man or father.

Get back to the counsellor (or a counsellor) and start unpacking your thoughts and begin the process of healing.

Please, please see what everyone is saying. If your friends and family knew they would say the same.

FleasInMyKnees · 27/09/2021 17:35

OP, what do you mean he has never hit you. He beat you, strangled you, banged your head off the wall, dragged you across the floor and trashed the house. This is not normal behaviour. So what if he is feeling low and has a mental health diagnosis. He knew what he was doing.

NowEvenBetter · 27/09/2021 17:44

jesus fucking christ.
Grim.

BiLuminous · 27/09/2021 17:44

You do know that if social services knew you were keeping someone violent around that theyd question your suitability to take care of them? Not saying that to make you feel bad but to show you what youre doing by making excuses for him.

You are 100% NOT giving them the happy childhood you didnt have, you are steering them towards a reenactment!

I feel guilty for writing this but you really need to see this for what it is

Bella2255 · 27/09/2021 17:56

Aside from the violence, please remember the reasons you decided to separate in the first place are still there. Do not be blind sided by the guilt he is making you feel. People do not change and unfortunately your relationship is broken. It is a natural reaction for you to now "want what you can't have", but trust me going back now is taking 10 steps backwards and you will undo the hard work it took to get where you are.

His reaction and violence towards you js a separate and very serious issue. You CANNOT accept that behaviour, regardless of what he js making you feel guilty for, nobody deserves that. Violence against women can escalate quickly and next time he could kill you, leaving your children without their mother. Do this for them if not for yourself. Your worth so much more than to accept this toxic relationship as your "happy ever after". If he LOVES you, he would NEVER hurt you. Where do you want to be in a years time? You have to make change now to change your future. Do not give him the power to think this is acceptable. You could prosecute and he could go to prison for his actions.

Happy to chat if you want to message. I have been in violent relationships before and can help share some perspective x

Sommernacht89 · 27/09/2021 18:11

I habe been in a relationship with someone with BPD.please,please please get out of this relationship.It will never get better.I still get councelling after 4 years having left this person.People with BPD sadly are mostly untreatable and it is a vicious circle of constant drama,abuse,excuses.IT IS TOXIC! I wish you all the best,my heart goes out for you,because I know what you are going through.

cakecakecheese · 27/09/2021 19:08

Find and watch 'Murdered By My Boyfriend' on iPlayer. It's based on a true story and there's some pretty scary parallels to your situation. Get help.

Whatabambam · 27/09/2021 19:29

If he's been controlling and jealous before then you have already suffered years of abuse even without the beating. He has probably made you feel that you are unloveable and you have internalised this. Get help from Women's Aid to work out the truth from his manipulation of you. And leave. Leave as soon as it is safe to go.

pinkyredrose · 27/09/2021 19:56

You don't want to call the police because he's feeling low?

Thisismysexboardname · 27/09/2021 20:05

Wow - you NEVER deserve to be hit, and you weren't 'hit', you were beaten up! This. Man. Will. Kill. You.

RantyAunty · 27/09/2021 20:16

This man tried to kill you.

You say he's never hit you before .he gave himself permission to try to kill you which means he's a ticking time bomb to do it again.

For you and your children's sake, stay away from him.

Embracelife · 27/09/2021 20:18

Go to the police
Gi to a and e

Thisisworsethananticpated · 27/09/2021 20:27

What ! So he can fuck someone
But you do , and he can beat the shit out if you

Girl he is gaslighting you so badly here
He also seems to have a Madonna whore complex
So his sexual needs are ok and your aren’t ?

But most critically , he is a violent dangerous man
And trust me , he will never forget this and his rage will get worse not better

Please please exit this safely