Did I deserve to be hit ?

[confusedaf29]

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

Forgive you for what? He violently attacked you, why haven't you reported him to the police?

You absolutely did not deserve to be hit. Nobody does. You did nothing wrong.
Please do not go back to him. I stead, report him to the police.

No you don't and he now has control over you through his abuse which is why you're asking him back.

My dad has BPD and I absolutely am not tarring all BPD with the same brush but some can be very dangerous. My dad used to do this sort of stuff to me.

Do you have any friends who could help you report him to the police or report him for you? It needs to be on record in case you need a restraining order.

The answer to your question "did I deserve to be hit" is a resounding no

No ifs, no buts. No hitting, ever.

Sooner you can get out of this relationship the better. Good luck.

YOU DID NOT DESERVE THIS! Please tell someone and leave, if not for you, do it for your kids.

Not ok. At all. You can't deserve to be hit.

No joint counselling. No mediation. He's abusive.

"I left due to his jealousy and control issues."

Which he obviously still has.

Thanks for replies so far.

This is all just too hard.

Why post this? Honestly you know it's not right. Walk away again. The level of violence was very high and next and there will be a next time he might kill you.

OP you could have slept with 100 people and you still would not have deserved this. He's an abusive, dangerous individual and you need to get away from him and stay away from him. Please call the police if you feel able to, but definitely contact Womens Aid and seek advice and maybe even some shelter if you have nowhere else to go. Get you and your children to safety

@confusedaf29 of course it’s hard.

You’ve got the strength to do it. You might not think so, but it’s there - you need to take the first step and then the next, and slowly you’ll realise that you can do it.

OP are you safe right now? You should be somewhere he doesn’t have a key to and ideally he shouldn’t know where you are. The same for your kids. Have you seen a dr since he strangled you? You should be checked over medically. They can also document your injuries. You might want or need proof that this happened to you later. You don’t have to tell your husband or anyone else except the drs. Like everyone else I think you should leave him, but that’s a thought you can kick down the road for a few hours yet.

To answer your question, there is nothing you could possibly have done to have deserved being hit and strangled. Assault is illegal, extra-marital affairs are not illegal. Why do you think that is? You could have slept with a different man every week for the entirety of your relationship with your husband and it would not mean you deserved to be beaten.

Last point. I’m very much team Ross (from friends) on this one. You were on a break! You did nothing wrong.

Once you’ve had medical attention, try to think of one person you could tell today. A sibling? A friend? Your parents? You need people in your corner here. Who could you go to stay with if you needed somewhere safe?

Please contact women’s aid and tell the police about the attack.

I was briefly involved with someone who had bipolar. But when I had to see a therapist afterwards to work through everything, she said it sounded as if it was more BPD. It was hell. I'm very intelligent, perceptive, compassionate, logical.. but while I was engaged with this person, my brain was tied in knots, I didn't know what to think, was in a constant state of questioning, trying to work out what was going on, how to calm things down, kept in a turmoil of emotions so I couldn't get a grip.

Get yourself out. Get yourself safe and let yourself have time to find your own needs and security. Please take care.

@confusedaf29

Thanks for replies so far.

This is all just too hard.

It's hard emotionally, but the decision itself is simple. This bloke treats you like crap and he's violent. Unless you think that being with him is going to set a good example for your kids to follow in their adult relationships, you have to get away from him.

He even treated the other woman like crap, which is evidence for you that this isn't about you; it's just who he is. He just treats people badly.

Why would you think someone beating you was okay 🙄🙄🤔

What would you say to your child if they come to you that scenario?

End it - Report it to the police - he's done it once - he'll do it again.

Do this now....

JFC what have I just read? Op of course it's not ok, there is not a single circumstance (bar self defense) where it is ok to hit another person, never mind bashing your head into a wall and strangling you!!
Please please get out, do not take this man back, you will be showing him it's ok for him to get violent with you again.

You did NOT deserve that.
His mental health issues are NOT an excuse.

He is an ABUSER and DANGEROUS.
The fact that he strangled you puts you at significantly higher risk to be murdered by him if you keep seeing him because men who commit domestic violence are more likely to kill their partner but the chances of that get statistically VERY high if he uses strangulation as a method to abuse her.
And he will do it again. Talking from experience here. Even if you feel you can’t do it for yourself because your self esteem has gotten at such a low point, walk away NOW for your children who deserve to have their mother in their lives for a long time and start working on your self esteem, step by step, without him in your life.

You did not deserve to be hit. He sounds very dangerous, you should stay away from him.

Why are you assuming responsibility for his hurt and the state of your marriage? His jealousy and control issues were the reason you left.

I think you may need some help coming to terms with the end of the relationship. You've spent six months apart with no desire to reconcile until he met someone else and now you are desperate to make things right even after he has behaved so violently towards you. Do you recognise the relationship as abusive? Is it possible your self esteem has been damaged to the extent that you have no idea how to put your needs and safety first?

You need to be away from him, people have affairs while happily married and don’t deserve that.

Why was he so angry, you were apart and he was with someone else?

He sounds like he needs a lot more help and you need to be safely away from him. Why would you even consider staying with someone who has emotionally abused you for years.

He is a violent abuser. No way should you have anything to do with him. Move on with your life without him. He will never change. You deserve so much more than to be with a violent thug.

He hasn't changed at all, has he? He's still violent and controllling.
Of COURSE you didn't deserve to be hit. Nobody does. He sounds like a fucking lunatic.

Answer me this: why was it ok for him to sleep with someone else when you were separated, but not for you to?

He's dangerous. He could kill you next time.

Please please talk to the police. Block him on everything and please do the Freedom Programme so you can spot the signs of an abusive relationship and set better boundaries in your next relationship.