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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I deserve to be hit ?

146 replies

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 09:30

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

OP posts:

Dontjumptoconclusions · 27/09/2021 11:46

OP this brought a tear to my eye. He sounds terrifying.

layladomino · 27/09/2021 11:53

I am appalled that you even ask.

Imagine your child or a sister or friend had told you this story. Would you think 'well she deserved it'?

For a start NOONE EVER DESERVES TO BE HIT. Not for anything.

Secondly, you had done nothing wrong in the first place. You had split up. You'd both slept with someone else. Why do you think you need punishing for that but he doesn't?

THERE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR HITTING SOMEONE. EVER.

Why did you even beg him to come back to you, bearing in mind why you'd split up?

Why are you apologising now? What are you saying sorry for? Sorry he's beat you up? Sorry you'll forever more be frightend of him? Sorry he thinks he can sleep with other people but you can't?

Can you see how mixed up this is?

Please please please seek some help to work through your feelings. You should never question if someone was in the right to hit you. You should never be begging forgiveness from someone who has beat you up.

You need to stay away from this dangerous, unbalanced, abusive, jealous, controlling man. He is not capable of a decent, normal, loving relationship. He is capable of hurting you and thinking he has a right to.

He will get worse, not better. You deserve better. A good relationship is one of two equals, with mutual respect, support, trust and compromise. If you can't have those things you are much much better off single.

waterSpider · 27/09/2021 11:59

No-one deserves to get hit.

Physical violence is only OK if at all for self-defence or protecting others, and then only to the minimum necessary.

Marjoriedrawers · 27/09/2021 12:05

Ask yourself what you would be saying to your daughter if she had just come to you and told you her partner had just gone ballistic hit her around the face, grabbed her hair, smacked her head against the wall, strangled her, dragged her across the floor , trashed the house and left.

Seriously OP, Get. Some. Perspective.

Snog · 27/09/2021 12:10

Next time he could kill you - and there will definitely be a next time if you keep him in your life.

Laladell · 27/09/2021 12:24

No!! And please believe me when I say this will happen again! No matter how long you have been seeing him etc the truth always comes out.

Please please please go to the police, I'm going through this atm and it was so hard at first, the hardest thing I've EVER done, but honestly I'm so glad I have gone through with it all. I promise you he won't change, people don't.

Contact woman's aid please they will help u with so many things. I really hope your okay, but his behaviour is not ok. I know how you feel and it took me a while to learn that it wasn't my fault.

He's a prick! X

daisyjgrey · 27/09/2021 12:44

I didn't even read your OP.

No, you didn't deserve to be hit. There is literally not one explanation you could have given that would have made it ok or deserved.

Jaguarshoes · 27/09/2021 14:28

That is most definitely not ok, and I speak as someone who as hit by a previous partner. Protect yourself and your child by reporting him and staying away from him.

waybill · 27/09/2021 14:33

No. You did not deserve it. Not you, nor any other person deserves to be on the receiving end of violence from a partner or anyone else.

All I can do is say that you really need to report him to the police. What he did to you is not only illegal but dangerous, and he could have ended up killing you. Please keep as far away from him as you can, because next time he might succeed.

lynntheyresexpeople · 27/09/2021 14:35

You don't think it's ok at all, you know it isn't.
Call the police and keep him away from your children.

FleasInMyKnees · 27/09/2021 14:37

You haven't made a mess of your marriage.
You left him because of his jealousy and control issues.
He beat you, he could have killed you.
You deserve better
Your children deserve better
He needs to control his behaviour
He is not your responsibility
Are you going to report this to the police

EdgeOfTheSky · 27/09/2021 14:48

Oh, OP.

This is a big mess and you need to step away from him and from the relationship.

You did the sensible, strong and clear thing in leaving because of his jealousy and control.

Big mistake to blur the boundaries by continuing to sleep with him.

Big mistake to concern yourself with his new ‘relationship’.

Big mistake to get back with him.

But whatever your mistakes, NOTHING makes it ok for him to attack you like that. Nothing. It was a dangerous criminal assault.

Ask yourself why you have such a need to think you are ‘with’ someone that you will put yourself in such an unhealthy relationship, and in such danger?

The new medication clearly has not changed him. He will do this again. His (unfair) rage that you slept with someone else will now surface again and again and again.

Leave again, and this time leave properly and for good.

And seek counselling because your self esteem and boundaries seem non existent (that is not an accusation, it is sympathetic concern).

Maybe have a look at the Freedom Programme online because you need to fee yourself from someone who is controlling and dangerous.

Good luck OP, you can do it.

Jux · 27/09/2021 14:54

You say "This is all just too hard."

Is it harder than him killing you?
Is it harder than him beating you to a pulp in front of your children?

Stop apologising to him. He should be abject before you. Horrified at himself. Why isn't he? Because he thinks he has the right to beat you when you displease him, and you're confirming it with every grovel. Stop.

YvanEhtNiojYvanEhtNioj · 27/09/2021 15:01

How would you feel if he lost control and went ballistic and slammed your dcs head against the wall? Would dc deserve that? No, they wouldn’t and neither do you.
Leave him NOW.

Bananalanacake · 27/09/2021 15:40

He deserves to be locked in prison for 10 years without food and water. He hit you, he is worthless.

Original poster

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 15:58

Thanks again all.

I'm not in immediate danger no.he has anger issues but he has never ever hit me - I'm just in shock I think. I've text him today and he apologised and said he is disgusted he lost control whilst also continuing to tell me how hurt he is and making me feel more terrible.

I know none of this is ok, I'm just finding it so hard to process it.he's my go to - I have no family around me and friends are all busy with their own lives I don't like to put on them too much. I just feel lost now and confused and just wish I could turn back the time but I can't and I have to now deal with this. But I have no idea where to even begin.

I will not be phoning the police. He's really low and I do think I've made it worse by being hot and cold but I am also aware there is a level of manipulation that has gone on leading me to sleep with him at times.

I'm just so sad , I've just always wanted a loving happy family , for a time I had it although he is jealous etc he would literally do anything for us , he works so hard and always just dedicated his time and life to me and the kids, I think this is why I feel so confused because day to day he's almost perfect but I left for a reason I know that.

I know, I'm probably frustrating a lot of you. I know if I was reading this post I'd be wanting to shake the OP but for some reason i just can't seem to want to apologise to him, beg and try again to have the happy family I've always wanted ( my mum was beaten by my dad, I had a very unhappy childhood so I think I crave it because of that and crave it for my children - they adore their dad )

OP posts:

altmember · 27/09/2021 16:02

No you didn't deserve it. And you need to keep well away from him, don't even consider reconciling. It'll likely escalate, and your kids could be at risk too.

IM0GEN · 27/09/2021 16:09

@LaBellina

I promise you, also from experience, that your future self will be so grateful to you if you walk away now.

Next week is exactly 6 years since I finally left my abusive ex who would also strangle me. As well as hitting, kicking, biting, hair pulling and spitting me in the face. One evening I finally found the courage to leave and I literally shiver at what would have become of me if I hadn’t walked away back then. Like you I was a shadow of my Forbes self and I thought I didn’t deserve a happy life. That living together with a man who didn’t respect me and treated me like dirt whenever he felt like it, was all that life had in store for me. I’m in awe of the version of myself back then who had despite all of it, the courage to say fuck this and left. I am so grateful to her. It really helped me to improve my self esteem and I know now I would never accept this again from anyone. That’s how far I have come and you can do the same thing.

Great post @LaBellina

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 27/09/2021 16:14

Op I am genuinely worried about your safety. If you won't call the police, please call a family friend and be honest.

It's never, never OK for someone to hit you.

SleepingBunnies21 · 27/09/2021 16:21

No, you didn't.

He wouldn't have had the right to hit abd strangle you even if you'd cheated on him; which you didn't.

He has rhe right to walk away, end of story.

His reaction (Even more so in the context of him also seeing/having sex with other people) goes to prove further why you had the problems with him in the first place. He thinks you are his possession, he thinks he had the right to hurt and potentially damage you.

SleepingBunnies21 · 27/09/2021 16:22

The strangulation could have killed you accidentally or not. Likewise the banging you head off a wall.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/09/2021 16:22

@confusedaf29
Don’t kid yourself that you are
Not in any immediate stander and he doesn’t have anger issues

You are
He does

SleepingBunnies21 · 27/09/2021 16:26

he has anger issues

Bet he doesn't have anger issues around people in power, people who.could hurt him etc.

It's never anger issues, it's a values issue.

His values make him think he has the tight to own you abd chastise you, like a pet. People are nice to their pets too, as long as they do what they're told.

Please read lundy Bancroft "why does he do that", its available free online.

SleepingBunnies21 · 27/09/2021 16:28

You'd really be better reporting this to at least somebody.

He has violently assaulted you. If something happens in future you'll have no official record that happened.
You can perhaps log it with some agency without prosecuting, i don't know. Maybe someone else would.

You're letting him away with it because he's pleading depression. Playing the poor me card.

He's only in the position he's in because of his own behaviour.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/09/2021 16:31

@confusedaf29