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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Did I deserve to be hit ?

146 replies

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 09:30

Me and my husband separated 6 months ago. I left due to his jealousy and control issues. He has since been diagnosed with BPD.

Over the last 6 months he’s been really hurt and in bits over the separation. Has tried really hard to get back together with me and I’ve almost been cold towards him. There have been times that we slept together but I just couldn’t see past all the shit and thought we were both better being on our own. A couple of months after we split I slept with someone else. Nothing else just a one night stand with someone I know but who I never see or speak to.

He came to me a few weeks ago and said he was going on a date. I told him great, and thought it would be the best thing for him to be able to move on. It escalated quite quickly and before I knew it they were having a weekend away and sleeping together ( they were seeing each other for just 10 days )

A few days after I began regretting that decision. After some talks we decided to give it another go and to get counselling etc. He told this girl who was really upset he wasn’t ready to walk away from his family.

We’ve had a great few days together, he seems a lot different and think the counselling and meds have really helped him. It felt like how we were a couple years ago and I’ve felt the happiest I have in a long time. However, I couldn’t shake the guilt of moving on with him not knowing I slept with someone else. So I decided it was best to be honest so that moving forward it was all out there and we could have a completely fresh start.

Anyway, he went ballistic he hit me around the face, grabbed my hair, smacked my head against the wall, strangled me, dragged me across the floor , trashed the house and left.

I was left contemplating taking my own life, I took some tablets but couldn’t go through with it we have two children ( who were not here ) one with special needs and I was able to call the Samaritans and gain some clarity.

Since, I’ve been practically begging him to forgive me, to start again and and saying I’ll do whatever it takes to make things right.

I haven’t told anyone he hit me, I feel as though I deserved it to be honest , I’ve hurt him so much and everyone has a breaking point. I just hate myself so much for making such a fucking mess of our marriage and family.

I dunno though, I’ve always been so against physical violence ( although he has probably mentally abused me for a long time ) AIBU thinking it was ok for him to do that? I just don’t know!

It’s all such a mess and I’m such a low place right now.

OP posts:

user1471442488 · 27/09/2021 20:27

Ok, so you had an unhappy childhood and your dad beat your mum.

Now you want this for your own children? You are complicit in them having a shit childhood if you let this monster back into your family. Crying and begging for him back…fucking hell.

Original poster

confusedaf29 · 27/09/2021 20:41

Hi everyone,

I went round to his earlier.

He spent an hour telling me I was scum how I have tortured him these last 7 months and that he is the only one that has ever loved me ( said my friends, family etc don't give a shit about me - he says this a lot )

He said. He is sorry for Saturday but that I drove him to it.

He then said, he could never forgive me for sleeping with someone else and so I just said well there's no fucking point on carrying on the conversation then. I've had years and years of being accused of cheating I never have, in fact it's him who in the past who has had sexual conversations with other women. So I KNOW moving forward this will just be an issue time abs time again and if I argue against it then this or worse will happen again.

You have all given me the clarity I needed, thank you so much. Me and my Children deserve better and that's actually what we're going to get.

OP posts:

VanGoSunflowers · 27/09/2021 21:00

OP, well done you for making what may be the most important decision of your life.

Please keep coming back and updating - the relationship board is a brilliant resource.

This first step is the hardest, stay strong and don’t go back

VanGoSunflowers · 27/09/2021 21:02

@cakecakecheese

Find and watch 'Murdered By My Boyfriend' on iPlayer. It's based on a true story and there's some pretty scary parallels to your situation. Get help.

I’ve just finished watching this. It was very painful to watch. Very painful.

Tulipsandviolets · 27/09/2021 21:14

Omg that's a disgusting vile way to treat you. Definitely get rid of him he will do it again. Your children don't need to live in fear of their mother being beaten up..and neither do you

Duchess379 · 27/09/2021 21:23

Why would you beg to take him back??

LaBellina · 28/09/2021 06:13

Thank you @IM0GEN

October 2th is my ‘freedom anniversary’ and I hope so much that the OP and other women in this kind of horrible situations will have such day to celebrate for themselves in the very near future.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 28/09/2021 06:59

It is never ok to be beaten, strangled or anything else. Not ever,under any circumstances whatsoever.
Do not attempt to give things another go with this man. This is an appalling environment for your DC to grow up in, whether they were actually there at the time or not.
Do the right thing by your DC, put them first, get this man out of your life, permanently

LaBellina · 28/09/2021 07:04

Just read your update.
Well done OP.
I hope you have reported him to the police or will do so in the near future. This may trigger social services to step in but I think in your case that might be a good thing. They can help you build up a file against this man in case you decide you don’t want to coparent with him which I think everyone that knows your story, would fully understand. Also they can help you see the seriousness of the situation.

Fallagain · 28/09/2021 07:49

Well done OP. But please don’t underestimate that you could still be in danger from this man. This is when abusive men become more dangerous. Please speak to an organisation like women aid for advice.

butterpuffed · 28/09/2021 07:56

I read OP's update but she has changed her mind so much, I'm not sure whether she'll go through with it.

Only this time yesterday she was wondering whether she deserved being hit in the face, strangled, head smashed against the wall.

I'm really hoping she's a troll, otherwise it's an extremely disturbing tale.

LaBellina · 28/09/2021 08:10

Even if the OP turns out to be a troll, then I still think it’s a good thing if this thread stands. I know from my own experience, that many women who are abused by their partner think they deserve what is done to them. Even if the story of the OP is fake there are LOTS of women out there with real stories like this one. And I hope this thread shows up here, or even better, on Google, when they take the step to free themselves from the gaslighting and the guilt and start to look for information that confirms that what is happening to them ISN’T ACCEPTABLE EVER, under NO circumstances! And that this thread where everyone unanimously expressed their concern for the OP and disgust for the male type of scum that did this, helps them realize that escaping their abusive relationship is their only chance to be happy, on a basic level to avoid being murdered at the hands of their own partner.

LaBellina · 28/09/2021 08:11

*and even more, on a basic level

BlueberrySugar · 28/09/2021 08:23

No absolutely not.

You both slept with someone else whilst you were separated. He's done the exact same thing!

AtticusHoysAnus · 28/09/2021 08:39

So it was okay for him to sleep with someone else but not you?

And no you didn't deserve to be hit.

You made the right decision to leave him before.

PrincessPaws · 28/09/2021 08:41

@confusedaf29

Hi everyone,

I went round to his earlier.

He said. He is sorry for Saturday but that I drove him to it.

You have all given me the clarity I needed, thank you so much. Me and my Children deserve better and that's actually what we're going to get.

So you are scum for sleeping with someone after you separated, but him sleeping with someone after you separated was ok? This shows you how fucked up his thinking is, you didn't cheat anymore than he did - neither of you did anything wrong.

What was wrong was his reaction. It doesn't matter how hurt or upset or angry he is, that deserves a call to the police. It certainly doesn't deserve you begging him for forgiveness. You have nothing to be sorry got, he does

Lalliella · 28/09/2021 08:49

You did not deserve to be hit. You have done nothing wrong.

You need to get this person out of your life, he is dangerous. You need to report this to the police.

Please do not consider a future with this man OP. For your sake and your kids’ sake.

FleasInMyKnees · 28/09/2021 09:57

Well done, its difficult sometimes to see clearly. You and your precious children can look forward to a happier life away from this horrible cruel scumbag of a man. You can stay strong. Your friends and family care about you. Have you got somewhere safe to stay.

Original poster

confusedaf29 · 28/09/2021 14:10

Hi again all,

No, sadly I am not a troll. My mind and thoughts are all over the place. He's very good at making me believe everything is my fault and not accepting any responsibility for any of his actions.

I was very hurt, confused and in shock I think yesterday morning. I felt desperate to get him back momentarily because he makes me feel as though I'll never get anyone else, that I have no one else and that I need him. After reaching out in this thread and also speaking to a few close friends luckily, I've been able to see a bit clearer.

I still feel sick and sad at the loss of my family and the man I loved ( sadly, still do love ) and all in honesty I still don't know if I'd be strong enough should he make a u-turn and promise me the world again. I hope I am though.

Our house has gone up for sale today. First step in getting my life in order and for a fresh start.

Thanks all again for your replies. I was in the gutter yesterday morning and was beating myself up very badly. You've helped me see I don't need to do that and that me and my children deserve so much better.

OP posts:

FleasInMyKnees · 28/09/2021 16:17

You can do this, you have friends who will help you, you know deep down he will never change. Just in case he gets difficult about the house it might be a good idea to give your friends your valuables, and essential paperwork to keep safe for you. Things like passports, birth and marriage certificates, medical cards, bank and mortgage details.

FleasInMyKnees · 28/09/2021 16:18

I would also have an overnight bag packed with clothes for you and DC just in case he gets nasty and you need to leave.

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