Where do they hide the normal men?

[Ihaveroyallyscrewedup]

Is there some island they all live on, some secret place only a few know of?
The most recent seemed like a safe bet, known each other for many years, well enough to know a fair amount of detail about each other’s lives. In that time he’s always seemed stable, good job, own house, two children he has three days a week, wise enough to have asked my advice before he has taken action because he has recognised he may be unreasonable and being a dick. For reasons which are irrelevant we have never dated but there has always been chemistry so we found ourselves in a place where we think ok let’s date and suddenly he’s turned in to this unreliable, non communicative man who treats a suggestion of lunch as if you had just proposed marriage, buying a house and having triplets all at the same time!
So time to throw this one back which is a shame as we have been friends a long time.

@DillonPanthersTexas motorbikes,
Ive got a couple of litre street bikes, I’m thinking about chopping one in and getting the a new 800 Monster, that looks awesome, but then so does the new GSX-S1000GT, soooo many choices

I cant get rid of my overgrown overweight toddler!!! He just won't leave. I thought I'd got rid of him this week after much shouting, abuse, threats (from him not me!). But he's just messaged me to let me know he's left his dog at my house and will pick her up tomorrow when we can talk properly FFS!

@JustAnother0ldMan
That’s great and like I said I don’t deny that there are hobby sites where no mention of women is made . However misogyny and attacks on females are very real things in many male dominated sites .

The issue is that the internet is a space where massive amounts of horrible behaviour towards women exists . I’m not talking about men talking about relationships or making legitimate concerns , I’m talking about really nasty stuff and it’s hardly worth people complaining that one part of men has some one sided views that point out bad male behaviour

@Somertime

I cant get rid of my overgrown overweight toddler!!! He just won't leave. I thought I'd got rid of him this week after much shouting, abuse, threats (from him not me!). But he's just messaged me to let me know he's left his dog at my house and will pick her up tomorrow when we can talk properly FFS!

Oh no , is it possible to not be home when he gets there or have someone with you for safety

@user1497207191
‘ My husband is remarkably similar to me. He hates pubbing, clubbing, etc as he says it's always the same stereotypical "lads", usually extroverted and over confident, getting drunk, hitting on girls, being abusive, etc., but it's all in the name of "banter" apparently. If women go out looking for partners in pubs and clubs then it's no surprise that they get the same "type" of bloke. Likewise with dating apps, etc - it's not the "real world" so you're going to get a concentration of a particular type of person.’

Yeah THIS and women should be able to go to the pubs /clubs without putting up with this type of shit banter
Are you saying women who go looking for relationships and go to clubs or online deserve men to behave like this
Why is the onus on women and where they attend or go online and not on men to behave better ?

Are you saying women who go looking for relationships and go to clubs or online deserve men to behave like this

I think she's saying if you're looking for apples you're going to have a hard time finding them in an orangery.

[quote Kittenlittlen]@user1497207191
‘ My husband is remarkably similar to me. He hates pubbing, clubbing, etc as he says it's always the same stereotypical "lads", usually extroverted and over confident, getting drunk, hitting on girls, being abusive, etc., but it's all in the name of "banter" apparently. If women go out looking for partners in pubs and clubs then it's no surprise that they get the same "type" of bloke. Likewise with dating apps, etc - it's not the "real world" so you're going to get a concentration of a particular type of person.’

Yeah THIS and women should be able to go to the pubs /clubs without putting up with this type of shit banter
Are you saying women who go looking for relationships and go to clubs or online deserve men to behave like this
Why is the onus on women and where they attend or go online and not on men to behave better ?[/quote]
You need to concentrate on things within your control. You can control where you go to meet men. You can't control all men everywhere. So don't go looking for men in places where the unsuitable ones congregate.

@Journeyofthedragons

Are you saying women who go looking for relationships and go to clubs or online deserve men to behave like this

I think she's saying if you're looking for apples you're going to have a hard time finding them in an orangery.

Yes :) well I think that is pretty much confirming what a lot of women here are saying . One of the main ways people meet each other now days is through dating apps. Pubs and bars are public spaces too . Whether we like it or not this is where a majority of single women and men go If most of the men on there are ‘oranges’ then I think that is in alignment with what’s being said

This also aligns with the way most men are using sites that denigrate women like porn sites , onlyfans etc

So where ARE all these ‘good men ‘ congregating who don’t use degrading sites or speak crap in pubs and on dating sites
I think we are back to the OPS question

@Kittenlittlen

So where ARE all these ‘good men ‘ congregating who don’t use degrading sites or speak crap in pubs and on dating sites I think we are back to the OPS question

Most aren't looking for women because they're already in stable long term relationships. There'll only be a small number who've either been widowed or whose wife/partner has left them, and the decent ones will get snapped up very quickly!

Most blokes in the 30s and 40s who are out looking for women are probably the ones whose previous wives/girlfriends have run for the hills, i.e. the ones with the neanderthal attitudes!

@user1497207191 in london, a lot of them were focused on their careers i.e. working long hours so had little time for relationships. So are in their 30s but still single.

@user1497207191
‘Most aren't looking for women because they're already in stable long term relationships. There'll only be a small number who've either been widowed or whose wife/partner has left them, and the decent ones will get snapped up very quickly!’

That would make sense if the percentage of men who are married using onlyfans , webcams , prostitutes etc . Even if you just look at men who support by use , unethical porn sites you’d be left with a minority who don’t support these sites considering the mainstream sites have been found with illegal stuff .
All there wives THINK a they are good guys too . That is until the day they find out they are not
It’s not just here that we see it day after day , women who thought they were married to these so called ‘ apples ‘ wonderful men but it’s in real life where our friends and daughter and ourselves are being let down by men we believed to be one of the very small percentage who arnt frequently these sites or using sex services
To ask women to believe good men are married when sooooo many men are doing this stuff now is crazy

Their wives and society think they are good guys because they have no idea what they do behind closed doors

[quote onlychildhamster]@user1497207191 in london, a lot of them were focused on their careers i.e. working long hours so had little time for relationships. So are in their 30s but still single.[/quote]
I don't really buy that argument. Presumably these men in their 30s havn't been living like monks? They'll have been going pubbing & clubbing and having relationships (only short term rather than long term). Lots of people with demanding jobs/careers manage to have long term relationships, get married etc. It's not mutually exclusive. Surely they're not going to ditch a girlfriend who is "perfect" just because they have to work long hours - why would someone do that? I think it's more likely they've been using a "demanding job" as an excuse for poor behaviour, i.e. one night stands, etc. Never having serious/long term relationships when you're in your 30's is a big red flag for me. It tends to suggest a very "laddish" and immature nature.

Most blokes in the 30s and 40s who are out looking for women are probably the ones whose previous wives/girlfriends have run for the hills, i.e. the ones with the neanderthal attitudes!

Which is just a fairly useless generalisation along the lines of assuming all 30s and 40s women are 'probably' just crazy cat owning desperate singletons who just must have a load of baggage with them because they have not settled down.

I did not find someone to settle down with till late on because I spent a lot of time in my 20s and 30s working overseas. I had a string of short to mid term relationships that ultimately failed because I was spending 6 months of the year working on a rig or in the arse end of Nigeria somewhere. Great for my career development, travel experiences and the bank account, not so good for the personal life. Once permanently back in the UK I tried OLD, initially met a few weirdos, got better at weeding such people out and eventually started to meet 'normal' people, one of whom I ended up marrying.

I have a raft of 30/40 something male friends who are single or divorced, a few were bad husbands, others were cheated on, the single blokes from what I can tell are decent men, they just dont tick the boxes that many women are looking for. Most of them are not knuckle dragging Neanderthals living with their mums.

@user1497207191 My DH works from 9 am to 8 pm on a lot of days. He met me at university and its a lot easier to maintain an existing relationship (particularly if you live together) if you are time poor. I don't see how he would have time to meet women on his existing schedule. I mean there are only 3 hours everyday from 8 to 11 pm (assuming commute time of an hour and bedtime at 12 midnight). You can do it on the weekends but a lot of high pressure jobs also demand that you logged in over the weekend.

Their wives and society think they are good guys because they have no idea what they do behind closed doors

Exactly!!!!! I thought my dad was one of the good guys, always treat my mum and other women with the upmost respect, has been married to my mum for 30 years, never cheated, never even flirted with anyone else, doesn't go out drinking etc etc. Until he made a Facebook account and started following and liking loads of porn stars, cam girls, only fans pages, insta models etc without realising all his friends could see what he 'liked'. He was even leaving comments under some of the photos of young women, probably 18 to 20 years old saying how sexy they are and he would love to spend a night with them !! Never been able to look at him the same again honestly.

~8 billion people in the world. Adjust that number for relationship suitability, but if you can't find someone you want to be around who also wants to be around you, it's your own fault. Man or woman.

I think part of the issue for is that if you find a someone genuinely attractive, chances are that you're not the only person. When you get to a certain age and level of jadedness, people will be more selective about relationship partners. Chances are low that you are the best option that person has. I think it's even slightly worse for women, because men are content with keeping multiple women happy enough to shag semi-regularly (if they can get away with it).

TBH someone who has been a good friend may decide that they dont want to risk that ,in case a RL doesnt work out. Many men are in stable marriages ,and may not be "exciting" as in more ordinary looking ,earning a more average wage ,not wildly outgoing .Those who have been through the mill may be quite cautious and worried .However as you say surely an honest chat wouldnt be out of order . Maybe see why he is so scared by the lunch suggestion? Often men may baulk at "taking to the next level" or may wish to do the asking .Dont know ,but it would be a shame to lose a possible nice guy .

So where ARE all these ‘good men ‘ congregating who don’t use degrading sites or speak crap in pubs and on dating sites

We are just normal people doing normal things in plain view, going to the shops, walking down the high street, going to the tip, we don’t congregate anywhere (maybe some of us do), but I’m so ordinary that you would walk past me without without even noticing it

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

The normal men are all happily married. Women don't divorce normal men, usually (please don't pile on me and say sometimes women divoce normal men, I did say usually)

This. A woman I know who is divorced said this to me - it is really tough trying to find a nice guy when divorced and dating as if they are divorced there is usually a reason.

when divorced and dating as if they are divorced there is usually a reason.

This is the exactly same for men, most (almost all) of the women I see online are divorced, and there is always a reason,

I will make sure I need to be somewhere after he collects the dog. So many messages of how much he loves me forever. Bit undermined by screaming down the phone that I am a smelly, ugly, fat, goofy cunt this morning 🤷‍♀️

@Somertime

Wrong thread?

@JustAnother0ldMan I am not sure I understood you correctly. I know many divorced women irl and there is usually nothing wrong with them- usually cheating/deadbeat husband. I am ready to bet that there are cheating/deadbeat wives out there, I just haven't encountered any significant number