TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

Wtf
Have you got a daughter
What would you say to her ,if she said her dh did this to her .
I would say to my daughter
Report him to the police ,he sexually assaulted you .
Get him removed from the house .
He clearly does not know right from wrong

I do cringe a little bit when you all say he’s an abuser though, I can’t quite get my head around the thought that I’m in an abusive relationship yet, if I ever will.
This is a very normal response.
One of the hardest steps in removing ourselves from abusive relationships is the admission to ourselves of the fact that this is exactly what we are in.
Take your time OP, & revel in your feeling of lightness.
PP was absolutely right - this is how it feels when you are not on tenterhooks waiting for the next piece of unreasonable or coercive behaviour. Enjoy it, & allow yourself to visualise how it would be to live like this always.

tbh I don’t feel like I have anything to even say to him at this moment. I should have lots to say, lots of whys and how could yous but in reality - I don’t want to say anything!
This is your experience & common sense speaking.
You know deep down that whatever you say cannot become a magical formula to persuade him that his attitude & actions are so miserably out of order.
He's got form for not hearing you (even when shouting "no!" at him ffs) - so why would you bother?

So here's a final q. for you & it's challenging, so please feel no obligation to answer or even acknowledge here - but please ask yourself - if you were mugged in the street, would you want to spend time explaining to your mugger how mugging is wrong, it has hurt & scared you, & he must not do it again?
Or would you just want to get the hell away from him, & worry about your stolen possessions later?

No pressure, no expectations from me. Just want you to have a lovely evening, & distract yourself with films, books, hobby, whatever, so you can genuinely relax.
But ... when you are ready to mull it over, think on that imaginary mugger, & how fast you'd be running, & ringing the police.

It doesn't have to be an "abusive relationship". But you are in a relationship with someone who has sexually abused you. There's no reason to think he is going to stop abusing you - and you need to be very clear-minded about this, because this is a crucial time for what happens next.

If you let him home and 'all is forgiven/forgotten' - no matter how he apologies or promises it will all be different - he will take that as licence to abuse you more, assault you again, and escalate the behaviour. Because letting him back is accepting the behaviour, in his eyes. The message he hears is that it's okay. He may be nice for a little while but it won't last and the abuse will get worse.

There is very little chance of you having a happy, loving, safe relationship with a man who has violently sexually assaulted you. But whatever you do, do not let him back in the home until you have a clear plan for how you want to handle this situation. Talk to someone at rape crisis or women's aid and try to get some clarity while you have the space away from him. Don't let him pressure you in to moving faster than you're ready.

I’m going to go against the grain here. Not because I don’t think he’s a twat of the highest order but because your lives are deeply entwined and extricating yourself is hard.

A couple of days apart will be good and I think it’s time for you to write down the ways he treats you that you don’t like. If he can genuinely show he’s sorry and not in a “I’ll treat you like a child because you’re being moody and irrational” then I’d give him a second chance.

If he can genuinely show he’s sorry

How do you show you're genuinely sorry for sexually assaulting your partner? That's the problem. How can she trust him? He held her down and assaulted her. She had to fight him off. That's a crime. How can he show her he's genuinely sorry for that and why should she believe him?

Well, he could turn himself in to the police. Then find a place to stay away from her while he seeks out a program for abusive men and works through it. A genuinely sorry man would do that. He certainly wouldn't turn up with a bunch of flowers and expect to come home after doing what he did.

@Lessthanaballpark

I’m going to go against the grain here. Not because I don’t think he’s a twat of the highest order but because your lives are deeply entwined and extricating yourself is hard.

A couple of days apart will be good and I think it’s time for you to write down the ways he treats you that you don’t like. If he can genuinely show he’s sorry and not in a “I’ll treat you like a child because you’re being moody and irrational” then I’d give him a second chance.

'Genuinely sorry' for sexually assaulting her? For pinning her down and putting his fingers inside her vagina while she said no, clawed at his face and desperately punched T him to try to get him to stop?

Are you fucking kidding?!

@Lessthanaballpark

Are you serious?

can I come round your house, pin you down, assault you, & then say "sorry, but you are over-reacting", & you'll be fine with asking me round again?

No?
You feel that would be outrageous & actually you'd already have called the cops?

How is that different to an assault from a live-in partner?

@Lessthanaballpark

I’m going to go against the grain here. Not because I don’t think he’s a twat of the highest order but because your lives are deeply entwined and extricating yourself is hard.

A couple of days apart will be good and I think it’s time for you to write down the ways he treats you that you don’t like. If he can genuinely show he’s sorry and not in a “I’ll treat you like a child because you’re being moody and irrational” then I’d give him a second chance.

Being genuinely sorry would involve him turning himself in for sexual assault

No of course it’s not acceptable but the OP might not be in a position to finish with him as they have kids together and their finances are probably entangled. That is the reality of women’s lives.

@Lessthanaballpark

No of course it’s not acceptable but the OP might not be in a position to finish with him as they have kids together and their finances are probably entangled. That is the reality of women’s lives.

The reality of women's lives is that they are free to choose, in 2021 Britain, not to live with a sexual predator & coercive controller.

There are resources - scant, but available - to ensure that.

Please stop with the narrative that OP has to put up with this.

@Lessthanaballpark

No of course it’s not acceptable but the OP might not be in a position to finish with him as they have kids together and their finances are probably entangled. That is the reality of women’s lives.

Are you for real?

@Lessthanaballpark

No of course it’s not acceptable but the OP might not be in a position to finish with him as they have kids together and their finances are probably entangled. That is the reality of women’s lives.

You do realise that you're writing posts that perpetuate the idea women should put up with sexual assault, yes?

It is 2021. OP has gotten this man out of the house already for a short term period so she can think clearly about what to do next,

Support her in feeling able to leave someone who has sexually assaulted her. Don't post ridiculous things implying that because some women are horrifically abused and have no way out, she should just put up with it too.

It is by empowering as many women as possible to leave men who sexually assault them that we can help those who are most vulnerable feel able to do so too, to put pressure on the authorities to provide ways out, to feel they aren't over reacting.

If a child was sexually assaulted by someone in the home, would you say to them well this happens a lot, often kids aren't believed and have to stay with the family anyway so best to accept the apology if your abuser says they're sorry and it won't happen again. Of course you fucking wouldn't.

Women are not worth less than anyone else.

Stop perpetuating the narrative that we have to be martyrs to our sex even if we are able to get away from an abuser. Empower women, don't basically tell them that abuse is reality and to get on with it,

@Lessthanaballpark

No of course it’s not acceptable but the OP might not be in a position to finish with him as they have kids together and their finances are probably entangled. That is the reality of women’s lives.

To be clear, having children with someone is not an obligation to remain in a relationship with them.

Having shared finances is not an obligation to remain in a relationship with them either.

This post is a terrifying insight into what some people think women should put up with.

Support her in feeling able to leave someone who has sexually assaulted her. Don't post ridiculous things implying that because some women are horrifically abused and have no way out, she should just put up with it too.

Of course I support OP in getting him out of the house. And if she has the financial means to live by herself and the kids I’d say go for it.

But where are these resources for women to be so independent when they have four children?

As for him, well people work within the parameters of what is socially acceptable until they are challenged on it. Unfortunately what is considered socially acceptable towards wives in some male subcultures can be pretty dire. He’s been challenged on it by OP, and now it will be seen if he takes it on board.

Of course I agree with you all that he is terrible but MN often advises wives to LTB with little thought for the practicalities of it. It’s not as simple as just get up and leave and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t continue posting or that she has let us down if she takes him back.

This post is a terrifying insight into what some people think women should put up with.

Not should but have to.

But where are these resources for women to be so independent when they have four children?

Women's aid
Universal credit
If employed, seek help from employer
GP
Family and friends
Children's school
Police

I'm not saying in all instances these things are possible but based on the fact OP already got him to agree to leave for a night, which you knew when you said if he was 'genuinely sorry' she should consider forgiving him (?!) it's unlikely she is cut off from the world like some women who have been abused and isolated.

Why on earth would you post something that could make her second guess herself?!

It’s not as simple as just get up and leave and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t continue posting or that she has let us down if she takes him back.
You could just have posted that, you didn't.

He’s been challenged on it by OP, and now it will be seen if he takes it on board.

Takes it on board?! Sorry can you read what happened again and then ask yourself if she could or should EVER feel safe with this man again? That he's worth taking a second chance on?

He PINNED HER DOWN and put his fingers inside her while she clawed at him, said no no no and desperately punched him to try and make him stop and he didn't.

Would you honestly want you daughter / niece to ever ever ever share a bed with a man who did that ever again? If so, I don't know what else to say to you...

No of course, you’re all right. If she can leave him she should. I think I have just very low expectations and know how hard divorce is. But you’re right she shouldn’t have to put up with such abuse. If she can, she will be a lot happier by herself.

I'm sorry you have experienced this OP, you have a lot to process, it's a huge burden on you and you have done nothing to deserve this.

A lot of what you have experienced chimes with what I had to tolerate from my abusive ex, not the horrible assault you experienced, but the steps and years leading up to it.

Looking back, you likely have tolerated and let lots and lots of incidents, moments and undermining crap from him go, because life is busy, you can't really believe it and on until the next time.

It is this journey he has taken you on which means you have to get him out of your life. He has led you step by step to this assault of you and if you do not end the relationship, you stay on the path and he will escalate further.

Keep him out of the house for several days so you can process what's happened, but you are not going to change him.

You had to go to great lengths to stop him assaulting you, because he was enjoying it. Your obvious distress was not enough to stop him. Really really think about that OP

@Lessthanaballpark

I’m going to go against the grain here. Not because I don’t think he’s a twat of the highest order but because your lives are deeply entwined and extricating yourself is hard.

A couple of days apart will be good and I think it’s time for you to write down the ways he treats you that you don’t like. If he can genuinely show he’s sorry and not in a “I’ll treat you like a child because you’re being moody and irrational” then I’d give him a second chance.

Brill advice. Give a man a second chance after sexual assault.

Yes, I'm sure a man like that can be trusted to be genuinely sorry, can't he?

@Lessthanaballpark

I can’t quite get my head around the thought that I’m in an abusive relationship yet, if I ever will
I have zero idea what I’m thinking I want long term yet either. Zero

Honestly I think that's a combination of things. The first being the boiling frog syndrome I mentioned up thread, and the second being that in your mind you think that him being an abuser makes you a victim. This doesn't align with the view of yourself in your mind.

Rather than thinking of it that way I would encourage you to consider his behaviour and be honest with yourself about the motives behind it.

This is where I think some talking therapy would be a great help to you. The behaviour you've described even taking the awful recent even off the table is so off.

What was your relationship history before him, im guessing you were young and inexperienced when you got together?

*with your view of yourself.

*event off the table

Fuck sake 😂

@Lessthanaballpark

No of course, you’re all right. If she can leave him she should. I think I have just very low expectations and know how hard divorce is. But you’re right she shouldn’t have to put up with such abuse. If she can, she will be a lot happier by herself.

Maybe you need to spend some time thinking about this yourself. You really thought it would be better for a woman to live with a man who sexually assaults her than to go through the process of claiming universal credit. That is really sad and worrying that you think it's okay, that it's just the reality that women have to put up with. Yes, it's true that in some countries, OP wouldn't stand a chance. But we're in the UK where women have legal rights and entitlement to support. There are resources for women in OP's situation.

I'm sorry for whatever you've been through that makes it seem like living with sexual abuse is just what women have to do. It's not. If that's your situation, there are ways for you to get free

Why at this point in our life would he start to be like this?!

I remember sobbing the same question to my counsellor. In my case it had been going on right from the start but in a subtle way. The unwanted play fighting and tickling, the unwanted touching, the suggestive inappropriate comments. Hugging and kissing me when I obviously didn't want him to. Groping me at every opportunity.

Each one of these things is an assault. And they note carefully what they can get away with.

Do try to confide in a friend or family member. Shockingly every single woman I know has had a similar experience.

@beastlyslumber

If he can genuinely show he’s sorry

How do you show you're genuinely sorry for sexually assaulting your partner? That's the problem. How can she trust him? He held her down and assaulted her. She had to fight him off. That's a crime. How can he show her he's genuinely sorry for that and why should she believe him?

Well, he could turn himself in to the police. Then find a place to stay away from her while he seeks out a program for abusive men and works through it. A genuinely sorry man would do that. He certainly wouldn't turn up with a bunch of flowers and expect to come home after doing what he did.

Absolutely. There is no “sorry” that’s enough when you’ve sexually assaulted someone.

It’s taking OP a little while to realise that this is what’s happened but FFS giving a second chance to someone who has ‘digitally raped’ you is not a requirement when someone says sorry. I feel sad for you that this would be forgivable to you.