TW! Partner touched me sexually against my wishes

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Created this account because I love to read here and I definitely don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this but I feel like I need some clarity

Basically earlier today my partner pinned me down in sort of a ‘play fighting’ kind of way which he does regularly and I never particularly enjoy because he’s so much bigger and stronger than me and IMO always just goes a little bit too far, but this time he’d been trying to initiate sex and I didn’t want to but he managed to get me into a position I couldn’t move from and put his fingers inside me and started attempting to masturbate me (I’m so sorry if this is TMI!) despite my protests
I kept telling him to get off and take his fingers out but he wouldn’t, I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand (I could only reach his face)
I honestly don’t know how I feel
He seems to think it was all funny and playful and fine, (I think he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants) and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting
He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry
Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened it was so insignificant to him
And we do have quite a touchy feely relationship, he regularly touches my bum and things all day long so I can almost see why he thinks this was in a similar vein, I just feel a bit … I don’t know, sick tbh!!

Thankyou, I can absolutely see how the boiling frog thing relates here
He didn’t sleep with me last night and is acting completely normally (albeit speaking to me in a very unusually soft tone) this morning as expected
I am attempting to gear myself up to say something, I’m not even sure what to say though, maybe just asking him to go away for a few days to let me breathe, he spent the evening last night following me round asking if I was his friend again yet and I felt so bloody claustrophobic I just wanted him to leave me alone so I could cry by myself 🙈
I don’t feel tearful today, just a bit confused and I feel a sort of pressure now, obviously I have to do something I can’t just pretend nothing happened but such pressure to get it right
Gah!

OP,
The most important thing is that you now clearly realise that this behaviour is very wrong.

He has committed a criminal act, make no mistake about that.

If you reported this to the police he would be removed from your home.

Please understand this.

What he has done is a very serious offence.

He also knows well that what he did is wrong.

Tell him he is committing a crime.
If he denies it, ask him is he happy with you going to the police station and talking to a police officer about what he has done.

Has he marks on his face?

Watch him carefully when you suggest tge police.

If you see fear and panic, it will prove to you that he knows well he is wrong.

You may not want to leave him, that is your choice, but protect any children you have very carefully because I wouldn't trust a perverted man like him around little girls.

He stuck his fingers into YOUR vagina?

That is usually the actions of paedophiles around young little girls.

Protect yourself and protect your children.

My ex used to do exactly the same thing, I could have written your post op. When I tried to talk about it he called me frigid or said I needed to lighten up, it was all playful etc. At the time I believed him, but felt exactly as you describe (sick, uneasy, dirty etc). Took me a while to see it for what it was- sexual assault. I hear what you're saying about it not being a simple stay/leave decision for you, so I think the key now is what your DH does in response to this. It sounds like he is saying that he didn't realise you were saying no and that it was a game he thought you were both playing. You've made it clear for him that you meant "no" and that it wasn't play for you or something you wanted. If he chooses to initiate it again knowing this, then I think that adds weight to him being sinister. I'm sorry this happened to you x

Och it must all be so confusing - asking him to give you space sounds like a good idea. I wonder what you mean, ‘pressure to get it right’? This is your life and ‘getting it right’ is about what you want and what you feel comfortable with. You’ve had lots of advice and opinions here and that’s wonderful but it’s easy for people with no emotional involvement to advise. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? Would you consider calling rape crisis or a service like that to talk it all through, and decide what you want? It would be a shame if efforts here to support you made you feel under pressure - no judgement. It sounds like you need time, as anyone does, after being assaulted, to get their head around a terrible experience and next steps.

When I say get it right I just mean make the right decisions, not reacting too quickly and just thinking it through
We have 4 young DC and I have to think about how anything I do will affect their lives aswell
I really wouldn’t want to talk to anyone in real life about it tbh, and at least not until I know how I feel properly

If you can't leave or don't want to you need to make sure he understands this can never happen again. He shouldn't even be holding you down if you don't like it! Honestly I'm not sure I could get past this but if you can really clear and finite boundaries need to be set!

I think he's an arsehole and he should be made to leave FWIW

I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever touches you in a sexual way again when you've made it clear you dont want him to you will go to the police and that the 'playfighting' ends here and now (as he seems to use it as door to boundary pushing).

You're not some toy or sex doll to play with and rough house whenever it takes his fancy, and having to claw at someone to get them off you is never okay no matter who it is.

To be clear I don't think you should stay with him but I understand what years of gaslighting does to a person. This is why I think having these behavioral reference points in form of friends and family is so very important.

I think he has a deeply mysogonistic and very unpleasant streak from the behaviour you've described.

Would you consider some counselling to put a few things into perspective?

He has agreed to leave for a few days, just said ok he understands he’s sorry kind of thing
I can’t even begin to think about how I would organise my life without him tbh - but equally the thought of him touching me again makes my stomach turn
I just can’t believe he’s done this - how was it even worth all of this

The kids having to,I’ve with a sex offender will be hugely impacting their lives, even if you think they don’t know anything, I was that kid, sadly.

Deeply mysogonistic (sp? My phone isn’t recognising any spelling of that word!) is a way I would describe him Closetbeanmuncher I have tried to educate and open his mind and correct his behaviour in lots of ways but clearly I haven’t and that is just who he is

*live

So sorry to hear that NowEvenBetter were you aware of things even while you were young??

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

He has agreed to leave for a few days, just said ok he understands he’s sorry kind of thing I can’t even begin to think about how I would organise my life without him tbh - but equally the thought of him touching me again makes my stomach turn I just can’t believe he’s done this - how was it even worth all of this

It was likely a test of your boundaries. If he 'got away with it' ie you stayed quiet afterwards and didn't tell him to leave, it may well have escalated in future and he'd have done the whole 'well you didn't mind when I did xyz before' to keep minimising and confusing you until you don't know what's real anymore, stop trusting yourself and become compliant to whatever he wants.

It is ABSOLUTELY the right thing to get him to leave for a few days - well done.

I would strongly suggest calling womens aid today to talk through what happened even if only to get your thoughts out of your head. Then hopefully you'll feel able to tell someone.

Unfortunately when men like him do something like this, we all too often don't tell loved ones because we know if we do the loved ones will hate that person and want us to leave them (which is usually the right thing to do) but it means we know there's no going back in a sense as Pandora's box is open and the secret is out.

But that's why it can be so helpful to tell someone, it stops this becoming YOUR shame, your secret. You have nothing to be ashamed of and no obligation to keep his secret.

Of course. Cortisol flooding my body when I was still in the womb, being raised in an unsafe house, on edge, trying to protect my mother, then the man started molesting me before I was 3yrs old but no one bothered to see the signs, so I was stuck in that hell house for many years because my mother was ‘scared’. Not as scared as me. I have nothing to do with her now, and have health problems as a result of having to parent my parent and walk on eggshells since infancy.

This is upsetting to read
He is your partner and you need to feel safe with him OP

I don’t know how to handle this but it’s a massive big deal
You are right to be upset
And you might want to move out and make the message very very clear xxx

Yes, you're right - autocorrect 🙈

It's good you have some space to process everything. I really do feel for you chips, this is a monumental headfuck. 😢

Hi op. I'm so sorry that your husband sexually assualted you. There's no blurred lines or grey area there - what he did was 100% sexual assualt. I could cry for you.

I had a very similar assault many years ago (about 4 decades) and I still think about it now - it's left me certain things I can never do again, even in a loving relationship. So no, you aren't being over-sensitive. For you I think it's worse, as your husband is someone who's meant to love you and look out for you, someone you can trust implicitly.

His apology was half-hearted and forced.

You can't trust him not to do this again, or worse. But even if he never did it again I don't think you could forget what he's done, or ever trust him again.

I'm pleased he's moved out for a bit. Please be assured you can cope without him. And your DC - imagine if they grew up and learned that you stayed with someone who sexually abused you for them - that could be really damaging. And they are likely to pick up on tensions anyway, even as children.

Please don't stay for them. Leave for you, and for them. I wish you all the best. I feel so angry at your husband for assualting his wife, the woman who should be able to rely on him to make her feel safe and secure.

Well done
I know it’s not easy.

You’ve done the right thing, it will escalate even further. I know it’s not easy when you have children, but even the “play” fighting. Do you want them thinking that level of aggression in the house is ok and acceptable. I’d stop 5 year olds doing that if one didn’t like it, let alone grown adults

he spent the evening last night following me round asking if I was his friend again yet

This just speak volumes.

Oh my God. Where do I start with this??? The way he's phrased that is meant to belittle your feelings. It's meant to make you feel like you're the big bad meanie who's refused his apology, who's the one that's being unreasonable, as if you're in the playground and you're the child who's being all sulky. He is minimising what happened.

What a stupid man. Honestly, the things people think they can get away with when they think they're in charge or have the upperhand. Chilling.

Everything that happened is truly awful and disturbing but the one thing that made my skin crawl when reading it was I actually ended up clawing and pinching his face and refusing to let go until he’d moved his hand

It is not difficult to imagine how far he would have taken that if you hadn't "clawed" his face.

Dh and I play fight, he is 6'3" and built like a Welsh rugby player, I am 5'4" and not built like a rugby player. Dh always loses the fight or we "tie" and we have an end word that signals the fight is over. He is so aware of his size compared to me, he is a gentle giant. It is fun though, not aggressive or abusive. At no time do I fear for my safety.

What your husband did is disgusting, he ignored every physical and verbal sign that you were not enjoying it. As has been said, consent should be enthusiastic consent.

Hi op you describe him as a misogynist. He believes women are lesser than men. He's modelling that behaviour in the way he treats you. He's also modelling it for your children which is disturbing.
I hope you can get real life support to get away from this abusive person

When he says it wasn't his intention to hurt you, it's probably not a lie. But the fact is he didn't care enough to consider that it might, that it was and that it did. Intentionality is not a get out clause for responsibility.

OnTheBenchOfDoom there’s a similar size difference here, I’m not even sure when this play fighting started, he doesn’t even always tickle me it’s more of a pinning down exercise and trying to get me to just not be able to move I suppose, I’ve never enjoyed it and I don’t know why or when it happens, I never win btw!
And as you said EvilPea this is something I would tell my children off for doing

EvilSight this is exactly what I mean my when I said he belittles my feelings, I’m never ever justified in ever being annoyed, I’m always just being moody or dramatic or I get ‘have you finished yet?’ Or the one that pisses me off the most ‘are you in your period?’ I can’t ever just be annoyed at him being a knob
When I describe him as a misogynist it’s not that he thinks women aren’t capable or as clever or anything like that, it’s more he’s always looking at boobs on Instagram or whatever we watch on the he has to find someone to fancy in it kind of thing, more about looks than anything else

Isn’t it strange how all these little things aren’t even sometimes noticeable and now there’s been a big thing I’m questioning absolutely everything

he thinks as we’re a couple he can touch me whenever he wants

If you are feeling & thinking this - it's time to get him gone.

and is basically making me feel like I’m overreacting

This is direct from The Abusers' Handbook.
They all do it. It's part of their depressing & tragic script.

He apologised but said he could see I was being moody so he’s sorry

That's not an apology.
He sexually assaulted you, tried to pretend he didn't by calling you "moody", & is now just mouthing 'sorry' to get you to shut up & join him in pretending he isn't sexually violent.

Tbh I’ve been a bit tearful on and off for the rest of the afternoon which is very unlike me, but I’ve had to be normal around him because it’s like he’s already forgot it happened

You do NOT have to pretend to be normal.
Any more than you have to pretend he did not assault you.
He has manipulated you into shutting down your feelings & squashing down the verbal protest you want to make.
He is conditioning you to normalise his behaviour, so that he can do it again.

Make no mistake, he will do this again.
When you told him, so many times, that you dislike the play-fighting, & want him to stop, what did he do about it?
Yeah that's right. Nothing. He just kept doing what he wanted.

You are being groomed to accept sexual assault as normal, not complain about it, & tolerate being called "moody" for feeling tearful about being sexually assaulted.

Seriously - ditch this man.
He will escalate & you will be in constant fear of the next "play-fight" & the next intrusion.
And please - do not minimise this, make excuses for him, or ever, EVER, blame yourself for it.
You were totally clear that even the play-fighting was unacceptable, you could not have been more clear that his sexual assault was distressing & unwelcome. The fact that he chose to ignore that does not mean that you need to accept his attempt to make you the one who is "moody" or out of line in any way.

Pick up the phone & talk to some people who will absolutely offer you support, kindness, & advice -
rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/not-sure-where-to-start/

I am so sorry he has done this to you OP. Please ditch him.

it’s more of a pinning down exercise and trying to get me to just not be able to move I suppose

Like dogs to assert dominance?